THESE HANDS THAT SLAIN
Title: These Hands That Slain
Author: Tiffany Guevara ( rogueslayer747@hotmail.com )
Disclaimers: The characters of Faith and Buffy belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
Rating: R for some violent situations and sexual relations between two female characters who are in love. If that is not your stuff, then why are you on this site in the first place?
Summary: Faith and Buffy having to deal with events similar to that of "Bad Girls" and a tidbit of "Enemies" which were the primary inspirations for this fic.
Author's Notes: This is an Alternate Universe Fic. No magic, no vampires, no demons from hell to end the world, just a spiced-up piece of Buffy and Faith lovin' :)
Additional Notes: // indicates a flashback. And ugh, I might have "borrowed" a line or two from the above-mentioned episodes, however I admit it and take no credit for the said dialogues (I just figured that I could use them for familiarity's sake...peace? Thanks!).
THESE HANDS THAT SLAIN
* * * * * *
It was never her intention. And though she would admit that it had crossed her mind, it was only during those times when the beatings came a little rougher than the usual. And every time the beatings stopped, she would always manage to completely rule out the idea. And the gravity of how she did it on her mind did not even compare to the way she had actually done it. After all, he raised her, gave her what she needed.
She wasn't his child but he was generous enough to send her to school, a private school even. In short, he gave her a chance to have a future.
A future she wasn't sure who ruined. Him? Maybe herself.
* * * * * *
// She could taste the metallic tang on her mouth. Blood. And now she felt it oozing from a numbing wound under her left eye. She tried to figure out what hit her so suddenly. She was just there, sitting in the dining room until she heard something and turned around. Then even before she realized her vision went blurred, and she fell. Within seconds, she was able to open her eyes where she saw the tall frame of her tormentor, his slouched shoulders and unstable stance. Whether he was drunk or stoned or both she hadn't an idea. The only thought in her head being an exasperated, "Here we go again."
"Stand up," Edward Wilkins said in a calm voice. His eyes empty of emotion.
"What? You must be kidding me," the girl replied. Yes, she was capable of a thousand and one emotions, but fear was never one of them. At least not the kind of fear that was brought out by the man who stood before her. Of course, he could beat the hell out of her, and many times he did. But she never flinched, never cried. She didn't see the point in doing in the first place.
He took a chair and dragged it in front of the girl where he later sat. She was half sitting-half lying on the cold kitchen floor. The counter added to the support her back needed as she tried to push herself up with her right elbow. For a minute or two he regarded her.
Amazed and only a little annoyed at the display that she was showing. He knew that he hit her hard, and under normal circumstances, meaning if it was like any other girl, he was pretty sure that she would be knocked out cold by now. Or at the very least, crying her guts out in a plea.
But he also knew that Faith wasn't like any one of those girls. She was strong, and stubborn, and she knew it just as well as he did.
"Come to Daddy," he continued after a moment. Motioning with his hands for Faith to sit up on his lap. //
* * * * * *
With what happened only a few minutes ago still fresh in her mind, the only coherent thought running inside her head now was to escape. And go to a place, the only place she knew would welcome her. A place where she had always felt this serenity flowing on her. And wash her clean with the knowledge that no matter how disgusting she already was, or more disgusting the thing she just did; she'd still be kept safe.
Faith got into her battered Chevy and started to drive. The only thing that I ever got for myself, she thought as she allowed her instincts to lead her into the familiar streets. The car rattled and shook, reminding her of its age. She remembered exactly when she got it, long before she got under his care--no, more like of provision--and though he insisted for her to replace it, she refused. 'I guess I knew since then that I will need this crappy piece of shit with wheels, after all'. And it was true, she always had an intuition that one day she would just leave and flee from his abusive ways.
But it never came to her that what once entered her mind as a way of doing it would actually be the way she would.
* * * * * *
//"Daddy?" She spat out the word as if she was trying to rid something foul off her mouth. "I don't know if it's just me who can remember, but I am pretty sure that there are some papers somewhere saying that..."
He cut her off before she could finish, "Saying what?" His voice calm but meandering, "You fucked up all your life you ended up in juvenile hall?"
Faith stood up and tried to gather herself albeit still nauseous from his attack. "Yeah. Actually yes. I fucked up my whole life and ended up in a place that is downright shitty to most people," she admitted. "But I'm guessing that after they see this place, this hell, they'd say 'I guess juvenile hall is not that bad after all'"
Now it was him who was thinking that maybe, he really should teach her a lesson this time. "I gave you everything you little bitch. All that you needed, and everything that I thought you wanted. In many ways I have been your father, you ingrate! I even gave you a name! My name!"
"A name that disgusts me for carrying because it is yours..."
Faith's words came out in a hushed tone of anger and loathe. And the implications of her words, simple as they were, became the catalyst to the burning flame of anger--more real this time--to rise inside his chest...//
* * * * * *
Within fifteen minutes Faith parked her car in front of an old hardware store before walking a few blocks to 614 Ravello. Her destination for the night. It was a few more hours before midnight that she finally arrived and stepped up in the doorway, she fought hard to stop the images even for just a few moments. She had to stop thinking about what happened, and that she was the one who made it happen. All in all, she had to stop being herself. And return only when she was in the safety of the presence of the girl who was probably, at this time of the night, soundly asleep.
She fumbled with her keys remembering the exact details of the night when it was given to her. It was a night not much different from this one, and after having been subjected to one of Buffy's mom's barrage of questions, once inside her room, Buffy handed her the key to their front door. An act that signified more of Buffy's permission for her to ask no further questions if Faith could, in fact, enter her life. Because right that moment she knew she could. It wasn't much about liberty, but intimacy. To which, Faith couldn't have been more grateful.
A dim light burned inside the receiving area of the Summers' house. And it took quite an effort for Faith to make her way upstairs with minimal noise. And the creaking of the staircases beneath her booted feet weren't at all helping. Finally, after what seemed to have been a fair amount of eternity, she found herself turning the doorknob of Buffy's room and allowed her feet to lead her inside without further delay.
'Astounded.' Faith thought to herself as she finally was finally able to give word to the feeling that clouded her being every time she got within the proximity of the girl sleeping peacefully in front of her. And without waiting another second Faith walked over to the side of Buffy's bed.
And watched.
Buffy's breathing was deep; her chest rose and fell in a perfect cadence of a dance known only to people who have what they want. Her blond hair spread against the pillow that supported her head, creating a halo of gold tresses that brought out the well-defined features of her face.
And again, Faith found herself in a battle. One that did not include fists and blood. What lay before her, inside her, was a battle more difficult than anything else she ever went through. And the mere thought of having no other choice but to do what she thought she should in order to win broke her. She thought of what she had to do and prayed that Buffy would understand and support her. And love her still.
She fought the urge to touch Buffy's face while the blonde slept for Faith didn't want to disturb any dreams that might be forming inside her lover's mind. So she just stayed near her, and basked at the calm, peaceful joy the moment offered. She knew well enough that just like many other nights, this one would end and she would have to go. Before, thoughts of going home never really scared her, even if she knew that Edward would be there. She would just think that going home was needed so that they could have the promise made by tomorrow fulfilled. A promise that they would be together as soon as the break of dawn.
But tomorrow, she wasn't sure if they could still fulfill that promise. And the thought scared her. More than anything.
"Faith..." Buffy whispered out of her dream-state.
And suddenly there was no point in fighting anymore. Not this one, at least. And she took it, the chance of disturbing the blonde's sleep as the brunette allowed her fingers to trace the outline of Buffy's face.
Faith bent her head down until her face were only inches away from Buffy whose eyes started to flicker open soon as she felt Faith's presence inside her room. "I love you, B."
Buffy smiled and took her lover's hand and stared in the dark eyes fixed intently at her, "You came, everything all right?"
The blonde saw the way Faith shudder at the question and instinctively she knew that something was wrong. She supported herself on her elbows and scooted upwards so that her back rested up on the headboard, "Faith, what's wrong?"
She couldn't find the words. She wanted to, but how? How would she explain the horrible thing that happened a few minutes ago to this young woman who faced her with expectant eyes? Eyes that begged to be told that even if there was something wrong indeed, it was nothing out of the ordinary things that they could handle. She tried, but instead of words, a choked sob was what escaped Faith's throat.
The expression the brunette carried suddenly sent a knot into Buffy's gut. For one, she never saw her lover in the verge of tears. Surely something was up, something of the devastating kind. And she wanted to prevent the tears that were forming on Faith's eyes from falling, but she knew she couldn't. Not without Faith telling her what happened first.
"Faith," upon saying her lover's name, she became aware of the bruise that swelled under the brunette's left eye. "He hit you. He hit you again," usually Buffy's voice would be of concern and anger. But her voice echoed only of rage at the moment, "Damn it, Faith. When will you ever listen? I have told you for a thousand times, I have told you that you should tell someone about this."
"I have told you," Faith's voice came in a whisper, and for a second, she couldn't bear to look at the eyes that studied her.
"You know what I mean."
"I do!" She said in a rushed tone. "But you knew the reasons why I couldn't. He, he had power, okay? And he'd do everything to protect that image that he carried. He's the mayor for goodness' sake!"
"Then I suppose you give me no choice." Buffy's impatience grew by the second. And she decided that she have had enough of what was happening to Faith, to both of them, that she came into a decision. "If you can't then I will."
Buffy got up from the bed and headed towards the desk where the phone was. Only to find Faith's strong grip on her arm prevent her from doing so. "You don't have to," Faith said. "I took care of it already..."
Having said those words, Faith averted her gaze from Buffy's searching eyes. Instead, she reached for her back pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes.
"Took care of it?" Buffy asked, confused. "You took care of it how?"
Faith took a long drag of her cigarette and watched as the smoke escaped her lips and mingled in swirled strands with the air around her. She watched the movement of the white-colored air wanting to be distracted from her current thoughts. Or more correctly put, distracted from Buffy's current thoughts.
"I have to leave tonight, B. I'm in deep shit. Deeper than any shit I've been through."
Buffy felt her panic rose with the declaration. For a minute she tried to handle the situation the best she could, which meant having to pull a chair and sit as she waited for Faith to at least make an explanation of why the brunette had to leave. Situations formed in her head, debating whether she should dismiss them or not. She didn't want to push Faith, whom she knew even though wearing that cold exterior was probably more confused, and God forbid, more scared than she was.
Minutes of silence have passed, and neither of them said a thing. Both not wanting to push the other into saying things that they were not ready for. Sure, they knew that what they were doing was futile, because one way or another the truth has to come out.
Finally, Buffy stood up. Their interaction have mainly been based on silence, there was always comfort in it. But this particular time, it was as if the silence was choking them both. So she walked over and gently took Faith's hand once more, "Please don't shut me out here," Buffy told her lover in the most caring voice she could. "Look, sooner or later we're both gonna have to deal."
Faith threw the cigarette out of the window and regarded Buffy for a second before looking deep into her eyes, "Look B, it's not 'we' whose gonna have to deal. It's just me."
Pain was in those eyes, in those words and in the way that Faith held her hand. She needed to know, "Why?"
Faith did not answer, instead she tore her grip away from Buffy's hand however wincing at the lost of contact. But the distance was integral to what she was about to do next which was to tell Buffy, she owe her that for the very least. And she had to do it for she didn't know how she would react to Buffy's possible rejection all the while holding the blonde's hand.
Unsure whether the brunette heard the question, and perplexed about the reason why Faith had to move away from her touch, Buffy decided it best to ask her lover once more, "Why?" only more forceful this second time.
"I killed him," came as Faith's nonchalant reply.
* * * * * *
// Sometimes, you get surprised at the suddenness of how some situations came to be. One minute, everything was under control, only to find it otherwise the next. And that was what Faith had been experiencing now.
His hands were around her neck, choking the air out of her. She knew that this was no longer one of those beatings that she would survive. By the look in Edward Wilkins eyes, she was sure he would kill her this time. Feeling her lungs gasp for needed oxygen, all she wanted was to find a way to escape. Meanwhile her back was pressed up against the refrigerator door while her hands searched for anything that could fit as a weapon, if only to flee herself from the chokehold and take it from there.
Finally her hand found something that was lying in the kitchen counter beside the cold metal door against which her back was pressed. She didn't know what the object was but still she opted to grab it. Her vision was starting to blur and it was pure instinct that told her to just plunge the object into her tormentor's body.//
* * * * * *
'I killed him.' The declaration of Faith's actions remained suspended within the air that surrounded them. Did she hear her right? Because frankly, she hoped she didn't. She hoped that those words were just a scenario that she played inside her head and in no way did they come out from the brunette's mouth. She tried to convince herself that no blood was spilled, especially not on her girlfriend's hands. But she also knew that the reassurance of how wrong the words she heard were could only come from Faith herself.
"What?"
Faith let out a sarcastic snicker, "What B? You gone deaf? I said I killed him, alright? Don't rub it in my face!"
"I-I wasn't trying..." Buffy's voice sounded very small, and as soon as the sound reached Faith's ears the brunette turned around to find Buffy's lips trembling, willing for her not to cry.
Even Faith couldn't take it anymore, so she closed the distance between them. She embraced Buffy with all her strength, "Shhh...it's going to be okay." Faith tried to reassure her, even if she herself wasn't sure if there were truth in those words.
Buffy pulled out of the hug and lifted her face to watch Faith's, "How could you say that?" and there was the anger in the blonde's voice again. "How could things possibly be okay knowing that you killed a man? How?"
The brunette's jaw clenched, "So you despise me now? Because I killed him? You didn't even asked me why or if I even meant to!"
Buffy struggled to remain composed, she knew that there was no point in making Faith angrier and more guilty than the brunette already was,
"No. I'm sure you didn't mean to. But we..." she stopped herself knowing that any implications that they were together on this one was not welcome to Faith, "I mean you have to correct this," Buffy let out another sigh. "You have to call the police..."
"No!" Faith exclaimed then withdrew her hand from around Buffy's waist. "The police would have to find out for themselves. I have a few hours to leave before they find the bod..." Faith stopped herself when she saw Buffy wince, "They will find him soon. He's got a speech by noon tomorrow, and one way or another Allan would have to check on him." Those were the circumstances that either one or both of them would to face.
The blonde took Faith's hand on her own, and motioned for the two of them to sit down on her bed. "I don't approve of you running away from this," she said when Faith finally obliged and sat beside her albeit hesitantly. "There must be something...look, you're 17 and there must be some...I dunno...fucking government program..." She wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of her own suggestion, but she was desperate, and ridiculous or otherwise she knew she had to try.
Faith sensed the panic rising within the blonde as she spoke, and decided to cut her off than see her lose grip on the situation, "Here in Sunnydale, Wilkins is the government, B." The brunette shook her head, "And come on, who are we trying to kid here? I am a screw up. And I am tired of programs, done that all my life. I could only fix this by leaving. And nothing you can say or do is going to make me change my mind."
"Not even if I tell you I love you." It was more of a statement rather than a question.
She longed to hear those words. For the past few months that they have been together, those were the three words that avoided Buffy's mouth. However, it didn't matter to Faith then. For she was happy just by giving Buffy what she needed. And by that, Faith was able to get her fair share as well. Faith knew that Buffy cared about her enough to get involved with her in a romantic relationship, and she knew that one day, Buffy would tell her she loved her. But she wasn't sure if she really wanted Buffy to tell her now.
"I am afraid not." Faith said in a whisper, and decided to steady her gaze upon something that was unmoving instead. Something that was constant enough so that she could feel somewhat grounded. She needed to feel that pull on her being and keep her from flight.
Buffy looked at Faith, and saw the immediate change in the other girl. For one, Faith wouldn't look at her, her brown eyes transfixed at something that was far from where they both sat. Probably the moon that was clearly visible from the open window of Buffy's room. The blonde tried to get something from that stare, a signal, a sign of what the brunette was thinking. Until she realized that upon hearing her words, Faith had built a wall between her and the emotions that usually danced along with the sparkle of those brown eyes so that Buffy wouldn't be able to see how torn she was.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to stay."
And Buffy found herself matched with Faith's own three words. And the realization of what tomorrow could possibly bring her suddenly seemed more real now. Tomorrow, Faith would be gone. And so was a part of her that she unconsciously allowed the brunette to have. And the feeling it left was similar to having herself split into two. A part of her wanted to cry, and blame whichever god was responsible for the events that led them to this situation. While the other part, just wanted to laugh at the sarcasm they were faced with: here they were two lovers, in a situation seeming to have been carved out of a Shakespearean tragedy.
But no, she won't do either one of them. She won't because just as everything changed--her lover, the moment, their love--she found herself changed as well. She was no longer her old self, within the few minutes that have passed between them she has been turned into something that was braver, more daring than she though possible for someone like her. She was now a person whose only desire was to guard a damaged spirit.
And she would, guard Faith the best way she could offer.
"If you can't stay I'll go with you,"
"No you can't, B."
Buffy buried a sigh upon the rejection. She did not understand. She was offering something she was sure was essential for the both of them: stay together. For countless times Faith had been there for her, and she abhorred the fact that the brunette wouldn't allow her to do the same. And she was not going to allow Faith to refuse without at least an explanation.
"Why?"
"Because if you do you become me," a sad smile formed across the brunette's face, understanding where Buffy was coming from. But what she was saying was the truth, and whether Buffy welcomed it or not, she was not to be swayed. "And you're not ready for that, yet."
"You're never going to allow me to keep you, aren't you?"
"I am here now."
"What about tomorrow?"
Yeah, what about tomorrow, Faith thought. Nothing was clear anymore. Neither the past nor the future. All they have was the moment and her mind was getting tired of hearing the voices that played constantly inside her head. Until she decided it best to let tomorrow take cake of itself, however, for the time being, she knew what she needed: Buffy and the silent strength her love offered. So she opted for actions to convey what her heart had been telling her ever since she laid eyes on the creature in front of her. And she closed the remaining distance between herself and the only girl she knew who was stronger than anyone else she'd met, possibly even stronger than Faith herself. Buffy's kiss was gentle and light, and as the blonde pulled her closer she was reminded of how Buffy were her constant, firm ground and how much she wanted to tattoo this particular moment in her mind, in her soul. So that no matter what happens by the coming dawn, she'll have a perfect memory of the love that enveloped all of her.
Seconds passed and the need for the girls to breathe became apparent. Faith pulled her lips away from the blonde who slightly squirmed at the loss of contact. Faith waited for Buffy to once again, open her eyes. And within seconds, the brunette found herself once again in an embrace, however this one different from the usual kind that she had been known to. It was Buffy's eyes that enclosed her now, deep pools of blue that danced with a hundred emotions, all of them willing for her to stay even if they both knew it wasn't possible anymore.
So she lifted her hands and placed one of them at the back of Buffy's neck, pulling her face toward her so that their foreheads touched. She breathed in deep, wished for her voice not to fail in pitch or tone to proclaim the only thing that she knew for sure. She needed her voice to be the sound of truth, because the truth was indeed, "Tomorrow," she paused, swallowing the lump that had formed inside her throat, "I'll wake up loving you."
And that was enough for Buffy to erase any hesitancy that remained within her. She believed in their love now more than she ever did in the past. And though Faith would be leaving a few minutes from now, she knew that one day the girl would come back.
However not knowing when was what agitated the blonde. It was never a part of her character to just sit down and wait. But again her thoughts were silenced as she felt Faith's lips no longer pressed up on her own, "Faith?"
Faith noticed the change from Buffy's breathing from regular to erratic, and because of that, she found more reason why she should put a stop into what they have been doing for the past few minutes, "B, I don't think this is a good idea." Shit, she added on her mind, now even herself has her breathing a little more rasped than normally required.
Buffy held the brunette's gaze, "I need you, Faith. Right now," and hoped that the meaning of her word's weren't lost on the other.
"I can't," came as the choked reply. "Not with these hands, Buffy."
Buffy took Faith's hands, and looked at them before she lifted each and placed feather-light kisses on the knuckles before she brought her gaze back at Faith, from whose eyes tears threatened to fall. "No, not with these hands..." the blonde said as she placed Faith's hands down so that her own hands were free to reach across the girl who was in front of her. The blonde then placed both of her own hands atop Faith's chest, "With this."
Her heart. Faith's heart. Because to Buffy, though those hands might have had slain, it never occurred to her that during the times they made their love known in the most intimate of ways, Faith's hands had nothing to do with everything that she felt. It has always been Faith's heart that offered, and gave her the most pleasurable of sensations. It was the brunette's love that guided those hands that sought and brought her to ecstasy.
And within the brief minutes that followed, it was as if two beings were reduced into one. They were one. In the darkened corners of the room nothing existed but two bodies that worshipped, gave and received. No sounds were heard aside from the ragged breathing of two individuals who cried out in release. The echoes of their cries reverberated through the walls as they laid in the tangled sheets holding each other, and allowed the fire of their love made the only light to which they prayed would be enough to guide a forthcoming journey into which they would have to find each other again.
And there, inside Buffy's room, on Buffy's bed, the lovers faced each other. And tried to memorize the contour of each other's faces, the colours that danced around the air that surrounded them, the scent of sweat and musk and sex that they were bathed in. But most importantly, they tried to memorize the sensations that only within being around each other offered. They wanted the seconds that passed quietly before them to stretch as long as forever could spare. They wanted it to last forever.
"Faith?"
"Hmm?"
"You okay?"
"Five by five."
They allowed those words to be the last spoken between them and decided to allow the exhaustion of the day's events take its toll. At least for Buffy in a way, as the blonde wrapped her arms tighter around Faith and within a few more moments drifted on to sleep.
Faith, on the other hand fought for her eyes to stay open and basked in Buffy's peaceful presence as she slept. The brunette's mind then wandered to faraway places, and even farther moments as she remembered how it felt to be free. A feeling she was afraid would be unfamiliar to her for a long time.
She glanced at the clock at the bedside table, midnight has passed and the dreaded tomorrow had already crept in her and Buffy's lives. She kissed Buffy's forehead and allowed her lips to linger for a while before she untangled herself from the embrace and shivered at the cool air that hit her skin as she was freed for the safety of those arms, completely unaware of the tears that stained her face.
And there, in the quietness of the evening, she pulled on her clothes and whispered something to the blonde's sleeping ear. Faith read somewhere that it was best to speak to people when they're asleep, when they don't know they were listening.
She opted to take the window for her exit. And before her body completely made its way out, she threw one last glance at her lover's prone form, and that was the time when she cursed herself for the things she had done. Buffy may have had forgiven her for the situation that she brought upon them and their love, however she didn't know if she could give the same forgiveness to herself. And all she could do now was have her own faith, that one day, she would. "Buffy," she said before she finally lowered herself from the window to the ground. "For the rest of my tomorrow's...I love you."
And there they were, one asleep, the other on her way to a formidable escape. Everything now was a blur. Uncertain to whatever future lay before them. However, as the light of the dawn increased steadily on the horizon, one thing was for sure. That certain thing that only Faith and Buffy's hearts will ever know.
~~finis~~
so, whaddayasay? sequel?
* * * * * *
For you, who has fought beside me for the past four years...my best friend, my constant, my 'B'.
Title: These Hands That Slain
Author: Tiffany Guevara ( rogueslayer747@hotmail.com )
Disclaimers: The characters of Faith and Buffy belong to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing them for a little while.
Rating: R for some violent situations and sexual relations between two female characters who are in love. If that is not your stuff, then why are you on this site in the first place?
Summary: Faith and Buffy having to deal with events similar to that of "Bad Girls" and a tidbit of "Enemies" which were the primary inspirations for this fic.
Author's Notes: This is an Alternate Universe Fic. No magic, no vampires, no demons from hell to end the world, just a spiced-up piece of Buffy and Faith lovin' :)
Additional Notes: // indicates a flashback. And ugh, I might have "borrowed" a line or two from the above-mentioned episodes, however I admit it and take no credit for the said dialogues (I just figured that I could use them for familiarity's sake...peace? Thanks!).
THESE HANDS THAT SLAIN
* * * * * *
It was never her intention. And though she would admit that it had crossed her mind, it was only during those times when the beatings came a little rougher than the usual. And every time the beatings stopped, she would always manage to completely rule out the idea. And the gravity of how she did it on her mind did not even compare to the way she had actually done it. After all, he raised her, gave her what she needed.
She wasn't his child but he was generous enough to send her to school, a private school even. In short, he gave her a chance to have a future.
A future she wasn't sure who ruined. Him? Maybe herself.
* * * * * *
// She could taste the metallic tang on her mouth. Blood. And now she felt it oozing from a numbing wound under her left eye. She tried to figure out what hit her so suddenly. She was just there, sitting in the dining room until she heard something and turned around. Then even before she realized her vision went blurred, and she fell. Within seconds, she was able to open her eyes where she saw the tall frame of her tormentor, his slouched shoulders and unstable stance. Whether he was drunk or stoned or both she hadn't an idea. The only thought in her head being an exasperated, "Here we go again."
"Stand up," Edward Wilkins said in a calm voice. His eyes empty of emotion.
"What? You must be kidding me," the girl replied. Yes, she was capable of a thousand and one emotions, but fear was never one of them. At least not the kind of fear that was brought out by the man who stood before her. Of course, he could beat the hell out of her, and many times he did. But she never flinched, never cried. She didn't see the point in doing in the first place.
He took a chair and dragged it in front of the girl where he later sat. She was half sitting-half lying on the cold kitchen floor. The counter added to the support her back needed as she tried to push herself up with her right elbow. For a minute or two he regarded her.
Amazed and only a little annoyed at the display that she was showing. He knew that he hit her hard, and under normal circumstances, meaning if it was like any other girl, he was pretty sure that she would be knocked out cold by now. Or at the very least, crying her guts out in a plea.
But he also knew that Faith wasn't like any one of those girls. She was strong, and stubborn, and she knew it just as well as he did.
"Come to Daddy," he continued after a moment. Motioning with his hands for Faith to sit up on his lap. //
* * * * * *
With what happened only a few minutes ago still fresh in her mind, the only coherent thought running inside her head now was to escape. And go to a place, the only place she knew would welcome her. A place where she had always felt this serenity flowing on her. And wash her clean with the knowledge that no matter how disgusting she already was, or more disgusting the thing she just did; she'd still be kept safe.
Faith got into her battered Chevy and started to drive. The only thing that I ever got for myself, she thought as she allowed her instincts to lead her into the familiar streets. The car rattled and shook, reminding her of its age. She remembered exactly when she got it, long before she got under his care--no, more like of provision--and though he insisted for her to replace it, she refused. 'I guess I knew since then that I will need this crappy piece of shit with wheels, after all'. And it was true, she always had an intuition that one day she would just leave and flee from his abusive ways.
But it never came to her that what once entered her mind as a way of doing it would actually be the way she would.
* * * * * *
//"Daddy?" She spat out the word as if she was trying to rid something foul off her mouth. "I don't know if it's just me who can remember, but I am pretty sure that there are some papers somewhere saying that..."
He cut her off before she could finish, "Saying what?" His voice calm but meandering, "You fucked up all your life you ended up in juvenile hall?"
Faith stood up and tried to gather herself albeit still nauseous from his attack. "Yeah. Actually yes. I fucked up my whole life and ended up in a place that is downright shitty to most people," she admitted. "But I'm guessing that after they see this place, this hell, they'd say 'I guess juvenile hall is not that bad after all'"
Now it was him who was thinking that maybe, he really should teach her a lesson this time. "I gave you everything you little bitch. All that you needed, and everything that I thought you wanted. In many ways I have been your father, you ingrate! I even gave you a name! My name!"
"A name that disgusts me for carrying because it is yours..."
Faith's words came out in a hushed tone of anger and loathe. And the implications of her words, simple as they were, became the catalyst to the burning flame of anger--more real this time--to rise inside his chest...//
* * * * * *
Within fifteen minutes Faith parked her car in front of an old hardware store before walking a few blocks to 614 Ravello. Her destination for the night. It was a few more hours before midnight that she finally arrived and stepped up in the doorway, she fought hard to stop the images even for just a few moments. She had to stop thinking about what happened, and that she was the one who made it happen. All in all, she had to stop being herself. And return only when she was in the safety of the presence of the girl who was probably, at this time of the night, soundly asleep.
She fumbled with her keys remembering the exact details of the night when it was given to her. It was a night not much different from this one, and after having been subjected to one of Buffy's mom's barrage of questions, once inside her room, Buffy handed her the key to their front door. An act that signified more of Buffy's permission for her to ask no further questions if Faith could, in fact, enter her life. Because right that moment she knew she could. It wasn't much about liberty, but intimacy. To which, Faith couldn't have been more grateful.
A dim light burned inside the receiving area of the Summers' house. And it took quite an effort for Faith to make her way upstairs with minimal noise. And the creaking of the staircases beneath her booted feet weren't at all helping. Finally, after what seemed to have been a fair amount of eternity, she found herself turning the doorknob of Buffy's room and allowed her feet to lead her inside without further delay.
'Astounded.' Faith thought to herself as she finally was finally able to give word to the feeling that clouded her being every time she got within the proximity of the girl sleeping peacefully in front of her. And without waiting another second Faith walked over to the side of Buffy's bed.
And watched.
Buffy's breathing was deep; her chest rose and fell in a perfect cadence of a dance known only to people who have what they want. Her blond hair spread against the pillow that supported her head, creating a halo of gold tresses that brought out the well-defined features of her face.
And again, Faith found herself in a battle. One that did not include fists and blood. What lay before her, inside her, was a battle more difficult than anything else she ever went through. And the mere thought of having no other choice but to do what she thought she should in order to win broke her. She thought of what she had to do and prayed that Buffy would understand and support her. And love her still.
She fought the urge to touch Buffy's face while the blonde slept for Faith didn't want to disturb any dreams that might be forming inside her lover's mind. So she just stayed near her, and basked at the calm, peaceful joy the moment offered. She knew well enough that just like many other nights, this one would end and she would have to go. Before, thoughts of going home never really scared her, even if she knew that Edward would be there. She would just think that going home was needed so that they could have the promise made by tomorrow fulfilled. A promise that they would be together as soon as the break of dawn.
But tomorrow, she wasn't sure if they could still fulfill that promise. And the thought scared her. More than anything.
"Faith..." Buffy whispered out of her dream-state.
And suddenly there was no point in fighting anymore. Not this one, at least. And she took it, the chance of disturbing the blonde's sleep as the brunette allowed her fingers to trace the outline of Buffy's face.
Faith bent her head down until her face were only inches away from Buffy whose eyes started to flicker open soon as she felt Faith's presence inside her room. "I love you, B."
Buffy smiled and took her lover's hand and stared in the dark eyes fixed intently at her, "You came, everything all right?"
The blonde saw the way Faith shudder at the question and instinctively she knew that something was wrong. She supported herself on her elbows and scooted upwards so that her back rested up on the headboard, "Faith, what's wrong?"
She couldn't find the words. She wanted to, but how? How would she explain the horrible thing that happened a few minutes ago to this young woman who faced her with expectant eyes? Eyes that begged to be told that even if there was something wrong indeed, it was nothing out of the ordinary things that they could handle. She tried, but instead of words, a choked sob was what escaped Faith's throat.
The expression the brunette carried suddenly sent a knot into Buffy's gut. For one, she never saw her lover in the verge of tears. Surely something was up, something of the devastating kind. And she wanted to prevent the tears that were forming on Faith's eyes from falling, but she knew she couldn't. Not without Faith telling her what happened first.
"Faith," upon saying her lover's name, she became aware of the bruise that swelled under the brunette's left eye. "He hit you. He hit you again," usually Buffy's voice would be of concern and anger. But her voice echoed only of rage at the moment, "Damn it, Faith. When will you ever listen? I have told you for a thousand times, I have told you that you should tell someone about this."
"I have told you," Faith's voice came in a whisper, and for a second, she couldn't bear to look at the eyes that studied her.
"You know what I mean."
"I do!" She said in a rushed tone. "But you knew the reasons why I couldn't. He, he had power, okay? And he'd do everything to protect that image that he carried. He's the mayor for goodness' sake!"
"Then I suppose you give me no choice." Buffy's impatience grew by the second. And she decided that she have had enough of what was happening to Faith, to both of them, that she came into a decision. "If you can't then I will."
Buffy got up from the bed and headed towards the desk where the phone was. Only to find Faith's strong grip on her arm prevent her from doing so. "You don't have to," Faith said. "I took care of it already..."
Having said those words, Faith averted her gaze from Buffy's searching eyes. Instead, she reached for her back pocket and took out a pack of cigarettes.
"Took care of it?" Buffy asked, confused. "You took care of it how?"
Faith took a long drag of her cigarette and watched as the smoke escaped her lips and mingled in swirled strands with the air around her. She watched the movement of the white-colored air wanting to be distracted from her current thoughts. Or more correctly put, distracted from Buffy's current thoughts.
"I have to leave tonight, B. I'm in deep shit. Deeper than any shit I've been through."
Buffy felt her panic rose with the declaration. For a minute she tried to handle the situation the best she could, which meant having to pull a chair and sit as she waited for Faith to at least make an explanation of why the brunette had to leave. Situations formed in her head, debating whether she should dismiss them or not. She didn't want to push Faith, whom she knew even though wearing that cold exterior was probably more confused, and God forbid, more scared than she was.
Minutes of silence have passed, and neither of them said a thing. Both not wanting to push the other into saying things that they were not ready for. Sure, they knew that what they were doing was futile, because one way or another the truth has to come out.
Finally, Buffy stood up. Their interaction have mainly been based on silence, there was always comfort in it. But this particular time, it was as if the silence was choking them both. So she walked over and gently took Faith's hand once more, "Please don't shut me out here," Buffy told her lover in the most caring voice she could. "Look, sooner or later we're both gonna have to deal."
Faith threw the cigarette out of the window and regarded Buffy for a second before looking deep into her eyes, "Look B, it's not 'we' whose gonna have to deal. It's just me."
Pain was in those eyes, in those words and in the way that Faith held her hand. She needed to know, "Why?"
Faith did not answer, instead she tore her grip away from Buffy's hand however wincing at the lost of contact. But the distance was integral to what she was about to do next which was to tell Buffy, she owe her that for the very least. And she had to do it for she didn't know how she would react to Buffy's possible rejection all the while holding the blonde's hand.
Unsure whether the brunette heard the question, and perplexed about the reason why Faith had to move away from her touch, Buffy decided it best to ask her lover once more, "Why?" only more forceful this second time.
"I killed him," came as Faith's nonchalant reply.
* * * * * *
// Sometimes, you get surprised at the suddenness of how some situations came to be. One minute, everything was under control, only to find it otherwise the next. And that was what Faith had been experiencing now.
His hands were around her neck, choking the air out of her. She knew that this was no longer one of those beatings that she would survive. By the look in Edward Wilkins eyes, she was sure he would kill her this time. Feeling her lungs gasp for needed oxygen, all she wanted was to find a way to escape. Meanwhile her back was pressed up against the refrigerator door while her hands searched for anything that could fit as a weapon, if only to flee herself from the chokehold and take it from there.
Finally her hand found something that was lying in the kitchen counter beside the cold metal door against which her back was pressed. She didn't know what the object was but still she opted to grab it. Her vision was starting to blur and it was pure instinct that told her to just plunge the object into her tormentor's body.//
* * * * * *
'I killed him.' The declaration of Faith's actions remained suspended within the air that surrounded them. Did she hear her right? Because frankly, she hoped she didn't. She hoped that those words were just a scenario that she played inside her head and in no way did they come out from the brunette's mouth. She tried to convince herself that no blood was spilled, especially not on her girlfriend's hands. But she also knew that the reassurance of how wrong the words she heard were could only come from Faith herself.
"What?"
Faith let out a sarcastic snicker, "What B? You gone deaf? I said I killed him, alright? Don't rub it in my face!"
"I-I wasn't trying..." Buffy's voice sounded very small, and as soon as the sound reached Faith's ears the brunette turned around to find Buffy's lips trembling, willing for her not to cry.
Even Faith couldn't take it anymore, so she closed the distance between them. She embraced Buffy with all her strength, "Shhh...it's going to be okay." Faith tried to reassure her, even if she herself wasn't sure if there were truth in those words.
Buffy pulled out of the hug and lifted her face to watch Faith's, "How could you say that?" and there was the anger in the blonde's voice again. "How could things possibly be okay knowing that you killed a man? How?"
The brunette's jaw clenched, "So you despise me now? Because I killed him? You didn't even asked me why or if I even meant to!"
Buffy struggled to remain composed, she knew that there was no point in making Faith angrier and more guilty than the brunette already was,
"No. I'm sure you didn't mean to. But we..." she stopped herself knowing that any implications that they were together on this one was not welcome to Faith, "I mean you have to correct this," Buffy let out another sigh. "You have to call the police..."
"No!" Faith exclaimed then withdrew her hand from around Buffy's waist. "The police would have to find out for themselves. I have a few hours to leave before they find the bod..." Faith stopped herself when she saw Buffy wince, "They will find him soon. He's got a speech by noon tomorrow, and one way or another Allan would have to check on him." Those were the circumstances that either one or both of them would to face.
The blonde took Faith's hand on her own, and motioned for the two of them to sit down on her bed. "I don't approve of you running away from this," she said when Faith finally obliged and sat beside her albeit hesitantly. "There must be something...look, you're 17 and there must be some...I dunno...fucking government program..." She wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of her own suggestion, but she was desperate, and ridiculous or otherwise she knew she had to try.
Faith sensed the panic rising within the blonde as she spoke, and decided to cut her off than see her lose grip on the situation, "Here in Sunnydale, Wilkins is the government, B." The brunette shook her head, "And come on, who are we trying to kid here? I am a screw up. And I am tired of programs, done that all my life. I could only fix this by leaving. And nothing you can say or do is going to make me change my mind."
"Not even if I tell you I love you." It was more of a statement rather than a question.
She longed to hear those words. For the past few months that they have been together, those were the three words that avoided Buffy's mouth. However, it didn't matter to Faith then. For she was happy just by giving Buffy what she needed. And by that, Faith was able to get her fair share as well. Faith knew that Buffy cared about her enough to get involved with her in a romantic relationship, and she knew that one day, Buffy would tell her she loved her. But she wasn't sure if she really wanted Buffy to tell her now.
"I am afraid not." Faith said in a whisper, and decided to steady her gaze upon something that was unmoving instead. Something that was constant enough so that she could feel somewhat grounded. She needed to feel that pull on her being and keep her from flight.
Buffy looked at Faith, and saw the immediate change in the other girl. For one, Faith wouldn't look at her, her brown eyes transfixed at something that was far from where they both sat. Probably the moon that was clearly visible from the open window of Buffy's room. The blonde tried to get something from that stare, a signal, a sign of what the brunette was thinking. Until she realized that upon hearing her words, Faith had built a wall between her and the emotions that usually danced along with the sparkle of those brown eyes so that Buffy wouldn't be able to see how torn she was.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to stay."
And Buffy found herself matched with Faith's own three words. And the realization of what tomorrow could possibly bring her suddenly seemed more real now. Tomorrow, Faith would be gone. And so was a part of her that she unconsciously allowed the brunette to have. And the feeling it left was similar to having herself split into two. A part of her wanted to cry, and blame whichever god was responsible for the events that led them to this situation. While the other part, just wanted to laugh at the sarcasm they were faced with: here they were two lovers, in a situation seeming to have been carved out of a Shakespearean tragedy.
But no, she won't do either one of them. She won't because just as everything changed--her lover, the moment, their love--she found herself changed as well. She was no longer her old self, within the few minutes that have passed between them she has been turned into something that was braver, more daring than she though possible for someone like her. She was now a person whose only desire was to guard a damaged spirit.
And she would, guard Faith the best way she could offer.
"If you can't stay I'll go with you,"
"No you can't, B."
Buffy buried a sigh upon the rejection. She did not understand. She was offering something she was sure was essential for the both of them: stay together. For countless times Faith had been there for her, and she abhorred the fact that the brunette wouldn't allow her to do the same. And she was not going to allow Faith to refuse without at least an explanation.
"Why?"
"Because if you do you become me," a sad smile formed across the brunette's face, understanding where Buffy was coming from. But what she was saying was the truth, and whether Buffy welcomed it or not, she was not to be swayed. "And you're not ready for that, yet."
"You're never going to allow me to keep you, aren't you?"
"I am here now."
"What about tomorrow?"
Yeah, what about tomorrow, Faith thought. Nothing was clear anymore. Neither the past nor the future. All they have was the moment and her mind was getting tired of hearing the voices that played constantly inside her head. Until she decided it best to let tomorrow take cake of itself, however, for the time being, she knew what she needed: Buffy and the silent strength her love offered. So she opted for actions to convey what her heart had been telling her ever since she laid eyes on the creature in front of her. And she closed the remaining distance between herself and the only girl she knew who was stronger than anyone else she'd met, possibly even stronger than Faith herself. Buffy's kiss was gentle and light, and as the blonde pulled her closer she was reminded of how Buffy were her constant, firm ground and how much she wanted to tattoo this particular moment in her mind, in her soul. So that no matter what happens by the coming dawn, she'll have a perfect memory of the love that enveloped all of her.
Seconds passed and the need for the girls to breathe became apparent. Faith pulled her lips away from the blonde who slightly squirmed at the loss of contact. Faith waited for Buffy to once again, open her eyes. And within seconds, the brunette found herself once again in an embrace, however this one different from the usual kind that she had been known to. It was Buffy's eyes that enclosed her now, deep pools of blue that danced with a hundred emotions, all of them willing for her to stay even if they both knew it wasn't possible anymore.
So she lifted her hands and placed one of them at the back of Buffy's neck, pulling her face toward her so that their foreheads touched. She breathed in deep, wished for her voice not to fail in pitch or tone to proclaim the only thing that she knew for sure. She needed her voice to be the sound of truth, because the truth was indeed, "Tomorrow," she paused, swallowing the lump that had formed inside her throat, "I'll wake up loving you."
And that was enough for Buffy to erase any hesitancy that remained within her. She believed in their love now more than she ever did in the past. And though Faith would be leaving a few minutes from now, she knew that one day the girl would come back.
However not knowing when was what agitated the blonde. It was never a part of her character to just sit down and wait. But again her thoughts were silenced as she felt Faith's lips no longer pressed up on her own, "Faith?"
Faith noticed the change from Buffy's breathing from regular to erratic, and because of that, she found more reason why she should put a stop into what they have been doing for the past few minutes, "B, I don't think this is a good idea." Shit, she added on her mind, now even herself has her breathing a little more rasped than normally required.
Buffy held the brunette's gaze, "I need you, Faith. Right now," and hoped that the meaning of her word's weren't lost on the other.
"I can't," came as the choked reply. "Not with these hands, Buffy."
Buffy took Faith's hands, and looked at them before she lifted each and placed feather-light kisses on the knuckles before she brought her gaze back at Faith, from whose eyes tears threatened to fall. "No, not with these hands..." the blonde said as she placed Faith's hands down so that her own hands were free to reach across the girl who was in front of her. The blonde then placed both of her own hands atop Faith's chest, "With this."
Her heart. Faith's heart. Because to Buffy, though those hands might have had slain, it never occurred to her that during the times they made their love known in the most intimate of ways, Faith's hands had nothing to do with everything that she felt. It has always been Faith's heart that offered, and gave her the most pleasurable of sensations. It was the brunette's love that guided those hands that sought and brought her to ecstasy.
And within the brief minutes that followed, it was as if two beings were reduced into one. They were one. In the darkened corners of the room nothing existed but two bodies that worshipped, gave and received. No sounds were heard aside from the ragged breathing of two individuals who cried out in release. The echoes of their cries reverberated through the walls as they laid in the tangled sheets holding each other, and allowed the fire of their love made the only light to which they prayed would be enough to guide a forthcoming journey into which they would have to find each other again.
And there, inside Buffy's room, on Buffy's bed, the lovers faced each other. And tried to memorize the contour of each other's faces, the colours that danced around the air that surrounded them, the scent of sweat and musk and sex that they were bathed in. But most importantly, they tried to memorize the sensations that only within being around each other offered. They wanted the seconds that passed quietly before them to stretch as long as forever could spare. They wanted it to last forever.
"Faith?"
"Hmm?"
"You okay?"
"Five by five."
They allowed those words to be the last spoken between them and decided to allow the exhaustion of the day's events take its toll. At least for Buffy in a way, as the blonde wrapped her arms tighter around Faith and within a few more moments drifted on to sleep.
Faith, on the other hand fought for her eyes to stay open and basked in Buffy's peaceful presence as she slept. The brunette's mind then wandered to faraway places, and even farther moments as she remembered how it felt to be free. A feeling she was afraid would be unfamiliar to her for a long time.
She glanced at the clock at the bedside table, midnight has passed and the dreaded tomorrow had already crept in her and Buffy's lives. She kissed Buffy's forehead and allowed her lips to linger for a while before she untangled herself from the embrace and shivered at the cool air that hit her skin as she was freed for the safety of those arms, completely unaware of the tears that stained her face.
And there, in the quietness of the evening, she pulled on her clothes and whispered something to the blonde's sleeping ear. Faith read somewhere that it was best to speak to people when they're asleep, when they don't know they were listening.
She opted to take the window for her exit. And before her body completely made its way out, she threw one last glance at her lover's prone form, and that was the time when she cursed herself for the things she had done. Buffy may have had forgiven her for the situation that she brought upon them and their love, however she didn't know if she could give the same forgiveness to herself. And all she could do now was have her own faith, that one day, she would. "Buffy," she said before she finally lowered herself from the window to the ground. "For the rest of my tomorrow's...I love you."
And there they were, one asleep, the other on her way to a formidable escape. Everything now was a blur. Uncertain to whatever future lay before them. However, as the light of the dawn increased steadily on the horizon, one thing was for sure. That certain thing that only Faith and Buffy's hearts will ever know.
~~finis~~
so, whaddayasay? sequel?
* * * * * *
For you, who has fought beside me for the past four years...my best friend, my constant, my 'B'.