Disclaimer: Ranma ½ is the property of Rumiko Takahashi. The original song "Albuquerque" is the property of Weird Al Yankovic.
This is just a humor songfic, so please don't take it seriously. I just sat down one day and thought "Hey, Ranma would fit best in this kind of situation." So I decided to make a songfic about it. Anyway, I hope you like it.
Albuquerque: Ranma's way
Start song
Way back when I was just a growing teenage boy living in a home Dojo of the Tendos that was by the high school half a block down the street from The Cat Café.
You know the place.
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy.
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning,
Akane would make me a big plate of Sashimi for breakfast.
Awww - Big plate of Sashimi!
Every single morning'!
It was making me nauseous.
I said to Akane.
I said "Akane, what's with all the Sashimi?"
And my dear, sweet tomboy
She just looked at me like a Duck looks at an oncoming car
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but Sashimi until I couldn't eat any more of that crap!
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that Dojo and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and there's no one hurting me
And the meals are oh so yummy
Where the teachers and the students play and they get along all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly serve you food for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of new panties in old Happosai's stash
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
A new land to see
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between Shampoo and Cologne the ghoul who bribed me with a cure for my feminine curse
And their futile tries to sway me kept making' me angrier
The flight attendant was really Kodachi and she fought with Shampoo
And then a white Duck flew right past me and through the window
And, oh yeah, Moose got stuck in the engine and died
And the plane started falling and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
'Cause I had my seatbelt buckled
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting
Had my seatbelt buckled
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting
Had my seatbelt buckled
And I was the only one who wasn't fighting
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Freee!
So I crawled from the twisted, burning' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Dragging' along my big leather suitcase and my Duffel bag
And my training equipment and my bag of hot water
And the potion Shampoo had made to bribe me with in my hand
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your food right out of the trash bins if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the shower on hot
And I'm just about to drink that lovely feminine cure in the bottle
That I loved so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"WHO IS IT?"
They're not saying' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big Panda with a sign saying that I should return to the Tendo Dojo right now
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my magic potion
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That potion's been just like a potion to me"
And he's like "No"
And I'm like "Gimme"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I punched his face and he kicked me in the stomach
And I bit on his ear and he chewed on my pig-tails
And I hit him with his own sign and he gave me a good half and a full Nelson
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of the brawl, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Albuquerque
The land of dreams
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my potion
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-Panda man was brought to prison
But first, I needed to get something to eat
So I got in a car and I drove over to the deli shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any hamburgers?"
He said "No, we're outta hamburgers"
I said "Well, you got any rice with ramen?"
He said "No, we're outta rice with ramen"
I said "You got any prime rib with that gooey steak sauce?"
He said "No, we're outta prime rib with that gooey steak sauce"
I said "You got any soda and fries?"
He said "No, we're outta soda and fries"
I said "You got any fruity pastries?"
He said "No, we're outta fruity pastries"
I said "You got any salads?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta salads"
I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box with an angry and starving black pig"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and then P-Chan jumps out
And he immediately latches on my face and start bitin' me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, he was just going nuts
He was tearing' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going' through my head"
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh
Get 'im off me
Get 'im off me
Oh
No, get 'im off, get 'im off
Oh, oh Gods, oh Gods
Oh, get 'im off me
Oh, oh Gods
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with this man-eating Piglet all over my face
Waving' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like when Sasuke was on fire
And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Ukyo
She was a restaurant enthusiast with a big spatula and clothing that resembled men's clothing
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said "Hey, you've got P-Chan on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same Okonomiyaki together
The world was our Dojo
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children – Okono and Miyaki
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Ukyo said to me
She said "Ranma-Honey? Do you wanna eat Okonomiyaki for life?"
I said "Woah, hold on now, Ucchan"
"I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Land of weirdness
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a full-time job at a Dojo
I even made black belt martial artist after I put that bonfire out with my fists
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was getting' a lot of attitude
OK, like one time, when Kuno was visiting us
Trying to remove my own existence with his wooden sword
When I see small Sasuke trying to hit me with his own Bokken next to Kuno by himself
So he, he said to him, he said "Master, want me to help you with this?"
And Kuno, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to sever my arms and legs with your Bokken"
So he did
And then he gets all indignant on him
He's like "Hey dolt, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was he supposed to know that?
He's not a good thinker for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Cripple-Boy
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of a certain time in my female form
Happosai comes and glomps on my chest and says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be vengeful, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yelling' and screaming' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some perverts just had it coming, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kind of lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kind of been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm trying' to make here is
I hate Sashimi
That's all I'm really trying' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to get up
And find yourself in an inescapable life
Full of evil and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful fiancées slow tortures
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy senseless universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Albuquerque
Land of my dreams
no more problems, my paradise
here all the time, it set me free
Albuquerque, wonderful place
living right in, Albuquerque
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I'm so happy, it set me free, from my torment, of fiancées
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Don't you knock it, till' you've tried it, it's the best place, just wait and see
Albuquerque
End song
Well, that's it. I hope you liked it. Please review, or send comments to
Once again, this was all done in humor, and I hope I didn't get anyone angry.