GREETINGS, peoples and non-peoples! I come baring a new story!

…Yes, another one XD

This is going to be more of a crack-fic, as I came inspired by these "Five AM At Freddy's" videos on Youtube (if you guys need more laughs after this, check them out!)

So, let's get this story rollin'!

Disclaimer: FNAF is owned by Scott Cawthon. The author owns himself and any made-up characters.

~55555~

Our story opens outside a popular pizzeria, Freddy Fazbear's (aka, the 'Haunted Chuck E. Cheese Knock-Off' establishment), where the manager was speaking to the company lawyer. Behind them, a couple paramedics were wheeling out a mangled body covered by a sheet, while police were scouting around.

"This is the 15th guard this month!" Mister Manager cried out. "How is it that every time we hire a new guard, they either end up dead, fired, or quitting due to automatonophobia?!"

"Well, there does seem to be a pattern with that last one," the lawyer stated, looking over some files. "At least 3 past-security guards claimed that the animatronics were trying to kill them- one of them was found having shit his pants, claiming the 'Foxy' robot was two inches from gouging out his eyeballs,"

The manager only shook his head. "It's all because we have to let the animatronics roam at night so they don't freeze up during the day- and with the guards having to stay up all night, their nerves probably get to them… especially with all these killer-doll films coming out." He looked back at the ambulance. "Besides, I want to know who is killing the other guards! …you think it's the kid we hired to clean the ball-pit?"

"I'd put my money on the guys at McDonalds…"

The police came walking out. "Well, we found no sign of who did it. All we know is that there was blood on that Purple Freddy bot's hands, a piece of the torn furniture in the Springtrap's teeth…and a severed hand pierced on Foxy's hook," the first police officer replied.

His deputy chuckled. "How sad is it that you know the names of all the robots?" he commented.

The officer gave his partner a glare. "Considering we're called here almost every other week, it's not that surprising!"

"Do you think that the rumors are true?" a third officer asked. "About the animatronics killing the guards…"

"McMurphy, you've been watching too many horror movies! The real culprit is obviously trying to make us THINK the robots are killing people,"

"I'm wondering why we haven't called in a private investigator by now…" the lawyer muttered.

"We tried, but he ended up freaking out about Bonnie coming at him and was sent to the loony-bin," the deputy stated.

"Whatever the reason is, it better get solved soon!" the manager exclaimed, a bit frustrated. "Due to all these assaults, panic-attacks, and deaths, we're under threat of being shut down AGAIN!"

"Quite right," the lawyer stated, looking over another document. "Several families of the past guards are claiming to press charges, a few employees are planning to quit, no one will fill out the application for the job due to all the stories going around, and unless the mystery gets solved- or the next guard can last more than two weeks without going into shock or dying- we'll be forced to close down operation,"

"It's a tough case to crack," the first police officer stated. "We've been on patrol outside day and night, but no one's been caught going in or coming out during the times of the night shift. Whoever is behind these murders is either quite stealthy, or has one hell of a method!"

"Well who the heck can we hire for the night-shift?!" the Manager demanded.

"Maybe someone who can't die," the deputy joked.

"Oh, knock it off, O'Ryan!" the first officer snapped. "Someone who can't die… Who were you thinking of?!"

*descending whistle*

"What in the world…?"The police, the manager, the lawyer, and the paramedics looked up-

*Crash!*

…just as a random 13-year-old came falling and landing on the hood of one of the squad cars! Glass stuck in his face and it appeared his arm was broken… yet he still stood up, smiling. "Hi there! My name's Ezekiel Joshua Zechariah- but you can call me ATF. I'm here for the night-guard position?" he said casually… as his bleeding face began to heal.

Everyone, of course, just stared…

"HOLY SHIT, A DEMON! AAAUUUGGHHH!" the deputy shrieked, diving behind the squad car and having his pistol out. "I knew I should've dipped my bullets in Holy Water for this!"

"Calm down, gentlemen. I'm not a demon. I'm as Christian as the rest of you," ATF said.

"I'm Jewish," one of the paramedics stated.

"I'm Catholic," the third officer replied.

"I'm confused…" the lawyer said, a bit baffled.

ATF rolled his eyes. "Okay, most of you. I heard that you were needing a new security guard- as your current one has called in… er, deceased," he said, looking at the dead body in the ambulance. "…by the way, shouldn't you guys be dropping him off at the morgue?"

"What the heck kind of kid are you?!" the manager demanded. "You just… fell from the sky, landed on a car-"

"…which you'll be paying for…" the first officer muttered, looking at the kid-shaped dent.

"…and yet you're standing around talking as if it never happened!"

ATF shrugged. "Yeah, well, when you can't die, you get used to it. …So, do I get the job or what?"

"Er... n-not so fast! How did you know the job position was open so fast?!"

ATF scoffed. "Are you kidding? Half the people in town make bets on how long the guards last at this place! …That, and I happen to be psychic,"

"Great. We need a new guard and we end up with an immortal Shawn Spencer," the lawyer scoffed.

"Why not give him a shot? He could help us figure out what's going on at this place," the first officer suggested.

"Yeah, by the way… why haven't you guys just looked at the security footage?" the lawyer asked.

"We have… but with the cameras glitching or screens going out, it's hard to tell what's going on!" the deputy said, then rubbed his chin. "…that, and that creepy-looking Marion animatronic keeps blocking the view at times…"

"Alright, fine, you can have the job- whatever keeps us out of a lawsuit! Just don't die and make sure you find whoever's committing these murders and make them suffer!" the manager exclaimed.

ATF grinned a mischievous grin, his eyes shifting towards the Purple Freddy which was placed near the window. "Oh, I plan to…"

"What was that?"

"I said I plan to get started right away, sir!"ATF gave a salute. "Now then, if you need me, I'll be stocking up on soda and candy bars to help me stay awake tonight!" He then opened a portal and dived through it.

Everyone blinked. "That is no normal kid…" the lawyer said.

"No shit!" everyone else shouted.

~55555~

Meanwhile inside the pizzeria, the Purple Freddy animatronic was gazing out the window, walking as ATF walked away. So, a little kid thinks he can handle being a security guard, huh? He thought. Well, then… let's see just how strong he is-

A portal opened in front of him and a pie hit him in the face, killing whatever suspense he was aiming for.

"See you tonight, Purple Man," ATF said with a wink, before closing the portal.

If the animatronic was allowed to move freely during the day… chances are he would scream in rage.

But he couldn't, so he'd have to wait until tonight.

The Pizzeria was in for one heck of a night-shift…

~55555~

A/N: And that's the intro! Don't worry, we'll be getting to some funny stuff soon ;)

Also, just so you know I've never really played the games (I can't handle survival-horror too well- thankfully I have friends who can *shout-out to you, Fanatic97 and Tracker78!*). The setting will be kind of AU, as it will follow the theme of the first three games, but not the fourth. This is mainly because I want to stick to a few basic characters- Freddy, Foxy, Chica, Bonnie, Springtrap, Golden Freddy, and Purple Man, with cameos by Marion and Mangle. The plushies will not be used… but I may give a reference to them as their adorableness cannot be ignored.

Keep in mind, this is pure crack, so if a few things seem stupid, just go along with it and laugh. And keep the reviews coming- no flames though or I will lock you in a Springtrap suit!

Now then… *puts on night-guard cap* Time to get ready for my shift in the next chapter!