Hey. Hi. Fanfiction hates me I swear. This wouldv've been posted yesterday, but it wouldnt let me.
I based this off of Monster by Skillet. It took forever to write. This was supposed to be a dark fic, but I ended up making it a prediction on what I wanted to happen in Drop the World, but it probrably wont.
Disclaimer: I dont own Degrassi. If I did, Eli and Clare would be together forever -hense my penname- and they would be the first to be on Degrassi that was.
Summery:
My secret side I keep hid under lock and key. I keep it caged but I can't control it. 'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down. why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream. Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster.
I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster
Eli stared at the girl in front of him, broken hearted and empty. It finally happened, it finally broke free.
Countless days, countless nights, and an extreme amount of effort was what he went through. He never wanted it to end. He could hold onto her forever, smell her scent, feel her touch, and stare into her deep blue eyes. She was what he needed, and he would give everything for her.
But he was hiding something from her.
He tried to not let her see it, to keep it hidden deep inside of him. That one time in the hallway was just a small portion of what he truly was. His hoarding is what saved him from telling her what really was going on with him.
He couldn't control it; it was the ugliest part of him. The beast that was within him scared him to death, because he couldn't control it.
But he had to give it a shot.
She was what made him think, what made his mind churn. She was the only person who he could really be himselfaround, but he had to hide one certain quality from her. The one he needed to hide, unless he would lose her.
Except, that's exactly what happened.
It slowly was released. He was trying so hard not to pressure her, suffocate her, and harm her in any way. Unfortunately, he couldn't prevent it from rising up from within, no matter how hard he tried. He would hurt her some way.
And he couldn't do anything about it.
He felt like a monster.
Clare backed away from Morty as he sat there, staring. He felt it slowly coming out of him, and into his full personality. Eli couldn't believe he was about to lose the only thing in his life that kept him somewhat tame. Obviously, that didn't turn out so well.
Clare hesitantly looked at him, and Eli felt the change in her intense stare. From what used to be loving and shy, now was frightened and startled. Her bright blue orbs didn't have that adoring look in them anymore, and he hated it.
Eli watched as she hesitantly backed up, and looked at the ground. He felt his fragile heart crumble in him, but she didn't seem to see that. He put his everything in their relationship, tried his hardest to be the best one she could ask for. But maybe that was the problem.
Was what he did too much? Did she not like, possibly love, him anymore?
Thousands of questions ran through his head, and he knew that he probably would never get an answer. Eli knew what he felt wasn't anything like he's ever felt before. Even after all the girls before Julia, and Julia herself, he never felt this way.
"I'm sorry, Eli.." She whispered. Eli looked from his shoes where his eyes previously were, and eyed her. He shook his head, and bit his lip, hiding the feeling he had inside, refusing to let it out.
"It's fine…" he whispered, voice cracking. He couldn't even look her in the eyes, and Clare knew something was running through his head, because he always looked her in they eye. It was what he loved doing most, because her eyes were his weakness. He couldn't go one day without looking in them.
He got up from on top of the hood, ready to leave. He was about to, when he felt a sudden urge. He shifted his eyes back and forth from Morty's door, and back to her and decided that he needed one last thing. He walked up to her and pulled on her jean jacket, gently placing his body against her for a warm embrace.
The familiar feeling felt great to him, but it was hesitant in her part, which killed him. Eli pulled her to him tighter for one last second, taking in her sweet vanilla scent, before releasing her and backing up to the waiting hearse behind him. Eli watched the ground, watching her from the corner of his eye as she started walking away from him, and out of the fence that led out of the abandoned church that they had found together.
Eli got in Morty, sitting in him a moment before letting out an ear screeching scream that made him glad nobody else was around to hear, even Clare.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
Clare walked away from the church silently, forcing her eyes not to release the tears that they so badly wanted to leak. She took out her cell phone, and dialed the number that she knew by heart. Right now, she needed a friend.
She heard the rings in the cell phone as she walked down the road, hearing the cars go by and people going on in their lives, while hers was crashing down beneath her.
Finally, a high pitched voice picked up, and Clare sighed in relief.
"Alli, I..I think I just made a huge mistake." Clare whispered into the phone, hugging herself for warmth. Even though it was a bright spring day, sun shining, bright blue sky without a cloud in sight, Clare still felt cold and empty inside.
"Why? What happened?" Alli's panicky voice filled her ear, and Clare shut her eyes, trying to forget the memory that continued to roll around in her mind.
"I..I told Eli that I need space." Looking around, Clare eyed The Dot that was down the street.
"Wait, so..you broke up with him?" Alli gasped, running quickly, putting on her shoes, and grabbing her purse to meet up with her friend, which she knew needed to happen.
"No, I didn't. I just need time to myself for once." Clare could sense how confused Alli was. "It's a long story…kind of. Can you meet me at The Dot?"
"Already on my way."
Clare smiled half heartedly, and walked into the café, hanging up her phone, then sat down to wait for the one person she needed to talk to.
With a quick shout to her parents and Sav, Alli impatiently made her way to the Dot. She didn't even realize this was going on with her friend. She was too busy with starting her life over that she didn't even notice, and she felt extremely guilty that she wasn't there for her.
Alli was always jealous of Clare and Eli's relationship. They would always look at each other adoringly, go out on little dates, and seem so content with their life. That's all Alli wanted with her relationships with guys, but she never got it. Something always went wrong.
Everyone thought Eli and Clare would be together for a long time, as did Alli and Adam. They just seemed so perfect for each other. What could possibly go wrong?
After what seemed like forever, Alli finally arrived at The Dot and rushed inside. She looked around and saw various teens scattered around. Her eyes landed on a girl in the far corner with her head hung low. She recognized the curly hair and jean jacket. It has to be Clare.
Almost tripping on her feet from rushing, Alli made her way through the tables over to Clare.
A strong aroma filled Clares nostrils. She looked up and noticed her tanned friend.
"Clare, tell me what happened." Alli said in a soft tone.
"Alli…" Clare sighed. Allis eyes widened, noticing Clares make-up smudged and her cheeks wet,
"Oh, Clare." Alli quickly got up and sat down next to Clare, hugging her.
""Alli, I couldn't breathe." Clare choked out.
She looked at Clare, confused, and then Clare explained herself. "He was with me all the time. We always were alone, hardly ever out with friends. He's way too protective." Clare paused, not sure if Alli understood her though her sobs, but Alli nodded to continue. "I love him, Alli. I really do, but I wanted to be with other friends too. I didn't want to spend all my time with him. I want to be with him, but I also want space."
Alli nodded, and smiled sadly.
"..but he looked so heartbroken. Alli, he couldn't even look me in the eye!" Clare buried her head in her hands, and sighed.
"Do you think I did the right thing?" Clare asked. "Do you think I should've just talked to him about it first?"
"I think…that you need to just be without him for a night. Feel what it's like to be without him. If it doesn't feel right, and you still feel like something is missing, then go to him."
Clare nodded, and then wiped her eyes with her hands.
"Now, c'mon." Alli smiled, standing up and helping Clare up as well. "We have to get ready for the dance."
Clare gasped. "The dance…Alli, Eli and I were supposed to go together! We were supposed to cover up the memory of Vegas Night with it! We were going to finally have our dance…"
"Clare, I'm sure there's going to be plenty more dances. Let's just have a…girl's night out. You know, just us. Like old times."
Hesitantly, Clare nodded and Alli smiled before both of them walked to Clare's house to get ready.
.
...
…..
Eli sat on the bench outside The Dot, downing the last bottle of beer before resting his head back, looking at the stars. Shifting around, he eyed everything around him. Everything was so calm and peaceful.
He hated it.
Eli stood up abruptly, and gripped the dance invite in his hands tightly. He so badly wanted to go to it, have his special night with Clare that he wanted to have at Vegas Night.
Vegas night, where he first let part of the demons within him out. It was where all of this started, and if he could go back to that night, he would change it all.
But he can't.
He pounded on Morty, biting back another scream. He knew for sure people would think he was crazy, but at this moment he really didn't care.
He dropped the dance flyer and rounded the car to the driver's side. He knew it was a bad idea, with how much beers he had, but he needed to go for a drive. It was what he always did when he needed to calm down.
Clare stood by the punch, watching her friends and people she has seen around school enjoy themselves.
Since she walked out of the fence at the church, Clare hasn't felt a single happy feeling. Her smile wasn't present, not like it usually is when she hangs out with her friends.
Clare knew that she missed him.
She missed his touch, she missed his annoying smirk, and she even missed his smug remarks. Clare thought what she wanted was space, and maybe she did want a little bit, but what she wanted, maybe needed, was Eli with her every day.
She just wished he wasn't so clingy. It puts too much pressure on her.
A loud laugh erupted Clare's thoughts, and she looked over at Alli who was laughing with Jenna. Clare sighed and closed her eyes. All she wanted to do was leave..
"So, are you having a good time?" A familiar voice chirped in her ear over the loud music.
Clare sighed, and shook her head. "No, I think…I think I'm just going to go. You stay and have fun, okay?"
Alli frowned. "Are you sure? I can go with y-"
"I'm fine, Alli." Clare interrupted her.
"Thinking about Eli?" Alli asked her, walking away from the loud music.
"It's just…I don't know what he would do it I ended it." Clare said vaguely. "..but, I need space."
"Does Eli know that?"
"I'm pretty sure he does…that's why I said we need space. But, I know I need to talk to him. I'm going to go look for him."
Alli nodded turned back to Jenna, and Clare sighed, heading towards the exit of Degrassi.
Eli stared forward blankly, radio blasting. The streets before him were blurred, and he was starting to think that going home may be a good idea. Suddenly, his pocket vibrated and he reached in to get it, but with difficulties.
Walking in the cold night, Clare held her cell phone to her ear, and waited for him to pick up.
"Hey, you've reached Eli…hey No! Adam stop! Can I make a serious voice mail for on—OW! Okay, okay fine! Clare, stop laughing! Okay, maybe it was a little funny…damn this is getting long. Anyways; you know what to do…. BEEP!"
Clare smiled, listening to all three of their laughter fade as the real beep played. Clare sighed, closing her eyes. She missed the old days.
She hung up, and decided to call again. It rang once before silence. Clare removed her phone from her ear to look at the screen, and noticed that the he answered.
"Eli?" She asked, bringing the phone back to her ear.
"Clare?" Eli replied, groggily.
Clare sighed, and Eli wanted to just hang up. He didn't need pity.
"Eli, I think we should talk."
"About what? I think you did enough talking earlier." Eli groaned out, slurring his words.
"Eli….Eli, are you drunk?" Clare gasped.
"That doesn't matter right now. What matters is, you ripped my heart out!" Eli yelled, not being able to control the monster within him.
Clare flinched, and her mouth fell agape. "Eli.."
"You made a promise remember? That you'd never leave me!"
"We're not meant to be together!"
Eli bit his lip, using the little bit of control he had to focus on driving. "We are."
Clare sighed, walking down the sidewalk. "Eli…Eli, I never left you. I just need space once in a while…"
Deep inside, Eli knew that she had a point. The alcohol in his system wouldnt let him do what he wanted to, and he swerved on the road.
"Eli…Eli will you be willing to give me space once in a while? I want to be with you…but…I just need some space."
Eli was silent on the other end. He saw the turn he needed to make to head home…and slowly made his way to it. His breath coming out in short pants.
"Eli? Eli, Answer me!" Clare yelled into the phone.
"Clare…" Eli flipped the turn signal on, and turned the corner. Before he knew it, before he could agree, his life flashed before his eyes.
Clare heard a screech, and then a sound so loud she felt her ears pop. Her reflexes took affect, and she immediately pulled the phone away from her ear. Her eyes wide and mouth agape, she stared at the phone.
Call Ended.
…
…..
Heart thumping, mind racing, Adam made his way down the streets of Toronto. He was so close to the hospital, he could taste it.
His night turned around when Cece called him. His night out with Fiona had to be ended short because when your best friend is in the hospital, its a little bit more important then figuring out which gender you like more.
Pushing the thought of Fiona away, Adam hurriedly ran into the emergency room. A big black figure caught his eye immediately and Adam sighed with relief once he recognized the figure as Bullfrog.
He hurried over to him, and got his attention. "What...happened?" He asked between breaths.
Bullfrog turned around and sighed. "Drunk driver hit him. Morty's breaks didn't work, so he didn't stop in time."
Adam gasped, and stared in shock.
"It also didn't help that Eli was drunk off his ass too" Bullfrog finished.
"The damage?"
"Thankfully, he only got a broken arm and mild concussion. Morty and the other driver got most of the damage."
Adam sighed with relief, and wanted to see him immediately to tell him what an idiot he was. "Where's Clare?" He asked suddenly.
"CeCe called her right after she called you. She went to pick her up and bring her here. They should be here soon. You can go see him now"
Adam nodded and headed in the direction Bullfrog was pointing. Even if he knew he was okay, he still needed to see physically.
"Eli!" Adam gasped, standing at the doorway. He was lying down, head facing the wall, his chest heaving up and down slowly, signaling his small, steady breaths. His head was wrapped in gauze and his arm was in a cast.
To Adam, he looked fully broken.
He walked to the other side of the bed, and that's when Eli finally noticed his presence. Eli widened his eyes.
"Adam?" he choked out.
"Eli…."
An awkward silence filled the room, and Eli felt like disappearing. He knew how worried Adam must have been…how worried Clare might have been. He didn't even know what she thought of him now, but he knew it probably wouldn't be good.
"What...the hell?"
Eli looked over at Adam, surprised at his new appearance. His face was bright red and his fists were clenched.
"What the hell were you thinking, Eli? I mean, why were you driving drunk? Didn't you know Morty was acting up a lot lately? Why were you driving when you and Morty weren't stable? What the hell? Seriously, why cant –"
"Adam!" Eli interrupted. Adam was speaking so fast, Eli could barely make out anything he said. "You're rambling."
Adam sighed and looked at him sternly. "Adam, Clare said she needed space. She wanted space from me. Adam, I was suffocating her, always spending time with her, claiming she was mine and nobody else's. But, the thing is..the thing is, Adam, is I didn't want to share her. I felt if..if she would be with someone else, then she would want to always be with someone else, and not want to spend any time with me. Because, that's what happened with Julia…we drifted apart. We never spent any time together, and that was what scared me. I'm a monster. I was a monster with Julia, and I'm a Monster with Clare. I'll always be one."
Eli bit his lip, trying his hardest to cry. "I lost Julia one year ago, today. I swear, this date is cursed or something."
"Eli…you're not a monster…" Adam said softly. "Everyone is scared the one they love will leave them, or never want to spend time with them. I was with Fiona, and Drew was with Alli. It's normal. You were like that with Julia, too, weren't you?"
Eli lie motionless, eyes not leaving Adams intense stare. "Yeah…but she did leave me, Adam. That night, I got tired of her never spending any time with me, and she wouldn't even crack a smile when she was with me, and I finally cracked."
"What do you mean 'Cracked'?" Adam whispered, sitting in the chair next to the bed.
"I yelled at her. Told her she was selfish. I thought she was cheating on me, and if she didn't want to be apart of the relationship then to not even bother. I said so many bad things to her…I meant nothing of them though."
"Eli, I know you didn't. I'm sure she did too."
Eli closed his eyes, trying not to remember that night. He stopped having nightmares about it a while ago, but once the one year mark neared, they came back. He hated it, because he truly got over her and wanted to have all focus on Clare. But, he put too much focus on her.
"Eli, you're like a brother to me. You accepted me, and helped me out with the Fiona situation. You were there when nobody else was. You're a great person, and you need to stop thinking so poorly of yourself."
Eli couldn't believe the words flowing out of Adam's mouth. He didn't expect this to happen at all, but the complete opposite. He thought he finally lost everyone, including Adam. Slowly, he nodded and closed his eyes, trying to get the image of Julia out of his mind.
"…but if you ever drive drunk again, you won't see the light of day again." Eli opened his eyes quickly, finding Adam smirking a familiar smirk. "Because you will be in my room, playing video games until your eyes fall out. I'll make sure you won't want to drink again by making you so happy drugs and alcohol won't even be on your mind."
Eli chuckled lightly and cracked a smile. "Trust me, Adam. I'm not drinking and driving for a while. I'm pretty sure Morty's totaled." Eli didn't want to make a promise he wasn't sure he could keep, because he was pretty sure that he was going to drink again plenty more times. "I wouldn't mind kicking you're ass again, though."
Adams mouth opened agape, and he sat strait in protest. "Again? What do you mean by again? I'm the one who did the ass kicking last time, remember? Did you lost your short term memory during that crash? Because obviously you remember something different then I do!"
Eli smirked, glad the tension in the room lifted. "Nope, my memory's just perfect."
"Then you're on, Goldsworthy."
Clare thanked CeCe and rushed into the hospital, hair ravished, and heart racing. Bullfrog was still standing in the waiting room, waiting her arrival. When he heard the taps of her flats hitting the tile floor, he turned his attention to her.
She didn't need to speak for him to know what she was looking for.
"Room 214" He spoke softly.
Clare nodded and headed into the doorway that led to the rooms, leaving a still worried CeCe and Bullfrog behind her.
Rushing down the hallway, Clare felt her pulse was about to explode from angst. She reached room 214 and took a deep breath before laying her hand on the doorknob, immediately feeling the cold sensation spread throughout her body.
She opened the door quickly, just wanting to get it over with.
The first thing her eyes fell upon, was the gowned boy lying on the bed, back facing her. Her eyes flickered to the boy in the chair, whom was who he was talking to. Eli made no signal to turn around, which meant he wasn't aware she was here.
Adams eyes found hers and Adam abruptly stood up, not saying a word.
"Adam, where you going?" someone croaked out. Clare looked at Eli's figure and saw he was looking at Adam, who was walking towards the door.
"I'm just going to leave you two alone."
Eli was confused, and watched him walk towards the door. But his eyes left his once he saw her. Teary Blue met Deep Jade, and silence fell upon them.
Clare was the first to speak. "I have a question."
Eli was startled by her sudden outburst. "Okay?"
"Did you try to kill yourself?"
Eli's eyes widened, and he answered quickly. "No, no I didn't. I was hit by a drunk driver, but it didn't help that I was drunk too. I was too drunk to remember Morty's breaks were acting up, and they didn't work."
"You were drunk…Eli, you scare me." Clare backed away. "I..I miss the old Eli. I miss you being with Adam, me being with Alli, and we would think about each other until we saw each other next. I miss…I miss the way you were before the whole Fitz thing happened."
Eli sat up, ashamed. "I miss him too.."
Eli didn't know that he scared her, and that was just another thing to add on to the list of things that he did to her.
Silence filled the room once again, and Eli felt the need to talk to her, because he didn't know when he would get the chance to do it again.
"I think I just…when you said that you would be there for me, I think I just held onto that. I used it to my advantage, because Julia was never there for me. I just felt the need to be with you all the time because I felt you would go away if I wasn't there, because Julia did. I guess the anniversary of her death really took its toll on me."
Clare gasped; she completely forgot Julia's death anniversary was today. She didn't realize how insensitive she was being.
"Oh, Eli…" Clare walked over to where Adam previously was, and sat down.
"I know what I was doing, and I know why. I'm so sorry, Clare." He felt the tears in his eyes that he was holding back all day fall, and he buried his face in the pillow that was next to him.
Clare scooted closer to the bed, and took his hand and held it in hers. "Eli, you don't need to put all your dependency on me. There are other people that care about you too. You can be with Adam, and CeCe and Bullfrog. We can all take turns in helping you with you're room, spending time with you."
Eli's fragile heart almost exploded, and he sat up abruptly. "We?"
Clare smiled slightly, and nodded. She squeezed his hand in hers. "Maybe our relationship won't be as strong as it was right away, but we can defiantly build up to that point. We know what happened, and we know how to solve it. We can start off fresh, forget everything."
Eli smiled, and nodded. "I like the sound of that."
Eli scooted over and patted the bed. Clare got the hint and blushed slightly, but nodded. She lay down next to him, and he put his arm around her. She buried her head In his chest, and smelt his musky scent.
"When do you get out of here?" She whispered.
"Tomorrow, I think. But I have a lot of explaining to do to CeCe and Bullfrog."
Clare nodded, and interlaced their fingers together.
It was silent after that. For the first time in a while, they were both truly content.
They could start over, and forget everything. Vegas night was in the past, and never to be brought up again. Clare, Adam, CeCe, and Bullfrog would help Eli with his room and dependency, giving Clare the right amount of space they both need.
But most of all, the monster that Eli thought was released, never truly existed. It was a figment of his imagination and something that could be fixed. This monster was what made him provoke what he was doing, and he now knew that he could defeat the monster easily.
Now that Clare helped him realized that, he could truly be…happy.
I still think this couldve come out better..a lot better...but you decide on that, because I can be a perfectionst when it comes to writing.
Reviews? Yes? Pleeassseee?
Ta Ta For Nowww! :D