Disclaimer and Salutation: Hello, NPS here. I would like to firmly state that I do not own Kim Possible (though it would be nice if I did, because then the show would not be cancelled ) I am the author of two previous fanfics—one of which was in progress, but no one liked it, and one other rather forgettable one-shot. So one might think I would have learned my lesson. However, after I watched So The Drama, I had the thought that things could have turned out differently…

Aftermath and Again

From the journal of Kim Possible:

I kept a journal before, but this is a new journal. I'm sitting here on my bed holding this big ugly gray comp book the counselor gave me. She said writing down my feelings will help me to 'cope' and maybe 'put things in perspective.' I didn't want to see her, but Global Justice recommended it and everyone seemed to want me to go. So I went. I don't see the point. It won't make any difference. Nothing can change what happened.

Writing in my old journal used to be fun. I'd look back on the past entries and remember adventures and good times. And it used to be a comfort to have a place to get my feelings out. But now, I don't want to put the words on the paper. To do that would make it too real. Here in my room I can pretend it didn't happen. I don't have to see my parents looking at me with that awful concern and pity in their eyes. And I wonder….is there disappointment there too? "No one blames me" they say. "Everything I did, I had to do" they say. "It isn't my fault." Well, whose fault is it then? Being with my parents is worse than being alone and even Jim and Tim are quiet around me, not pests like usual, but quiet. I hate it. Why can't everybody act normal? It's like everyone thinks I'm a bomb about to explode.

I haven't cried at all. I won't cry. I will not let her make me cry. It's just…why did I have to keep that stupid picture in my locker? I went to school this morning and almost the first thing I saw was her face. I slammed the locker shut and for a minute everything started to turn black and then Ron was there, his hands on my shoulders saying "Kim, Kim, are you Ok" Ron has been so wonderful through this. I don't know what I would do without him. He can still make me smile. The one bright light in all this is that we're together. And Drakken didn't take over the world. I guess that's a plus too.

I wonder if they'll let Drakken out of jail for the funeral. Who will make the arrangements? Did Shego have parents? Or will her brothers do it? And will they all hate me now?

Damn it. I have to stop thinking about all this. I will be fine. I won't cry for her. She sure wouldn't cry for me.

But did it hurt when she hit the generator? They say the electric current knocked her out. Did she go out quickly or did she feel all those volts surging through her body causing agonizing pain? I didn't have to kick her into the generator. Could I have done it differently?

When the generator fell, and she fell into that muddy water, I felt pride. The thrill of winning. I felt great! I turned and walked away. I went to Ron. By then, Drakken was cowering, whining about the failure of his plans. I didn't realize that she was still under the water, unconscious, drowning. If I had pulled her out could she have lived? I'll never know.

Tomorrow I have to take that picture out of my locker. Burn it, bury it, crumple it up and throw if away. I want to ask Ron to do it. I don't want to see it again. But I won't ask Ron. Theresponsibility is mine.

It's getting late, but I can't sleep. I'm afraid of the dreams I'll have. Shego, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to kill you.

To be continued...