Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
Author's Note: You can interpret this as slash or just deep friendship; personally, I see these two just being very, very close friends. I have nothing against slash at all, but I just can't envision any between the Marauders. But feel free to look at this story any way you like.
I'll Stay Here Beside You
By: ChoCedric
Remus Lupin sighed as he made his way through Grimmauld Place to his best friend Sirius's room. Today was Halloween, and an Order meeting had just finished. Remus knew that the ghosts of Sirius's past were especially haunting him today, since it was the anniversary of Lily and James's death, something the ex-convict constantly blamed himself for. He had avoided Remus all day, and his temper had been extremely short. Remus had left him alone, but had at least tried to get him to open up. But Sirius, even though he'd spent many years in Azkaban, still held that stubborn spirit, and refused to talk about what was haunting him.
But now that everyone had left the Order meeting, Remus knew that he had to get through to him somehow. It wasn't healthy to leave Sirius stewing like this; it was obvious he was getting himself worked up and would land himself in a deep pit of depression. The werewolf also knew how much Sirius hated Grimmauld Place; the house reminded him of his awful home life he'd had with his family.
Remus quietly knocked on the door to Sirius's room. There was no reply, but nevertheless, Remus opened the door quietly and walked in. What he saw broke his heart. Sirius was sitting on his bed, his haunted, Azkaban gray eyes staring fixedly at the ceiling. The look on his face was one of complete loss and despair. "Sirius?" Remus said gently as he walked over to him.
There was no reply. If Remus hadn't seen his chest rising and falling, he would have thought his best friend was dead. He was sitting so still, and was so silent. Sirius Black was hardly ever silent. In their Marauder days, he'd always been the rambunctious one, the one who always talked about pulling pranks. His face used to always be lit with a mischievous smile, and he seemed not to have a care in the world. Remus suddenly felt a bolt of anger fly through him; Peter had taken his vibrant best friend and turned him into a shell of the man he used to be. It was true that even in their school days, he brooded when he was upset, but it was nothing compared to this. Now he was lonelier than ever, and Remus knew he felt useless; he wasn't able to do much of anything for the Order, and Dumbledore had confined him to the house he despised beyond any other.
"Sirius." Remus laid a gentle hand on Sirius's shoulder. Sirius slowly turned around and gazed at Remus, the haunted expression still prominent in his gray eyes. "What do you want, Remus?" he said in a monotone.
"I want to talk to you," Remus answered. "I'm really worried about you."
Sirius snorted in derision. "Oh, I'm just fine," he said sarcastically. "There's no need to be worried. I can take care of myself."
But it was plain to see that Sirius hadn't been taking care of himself very well. There were dark circles under his eyes, and this was probably due to nightmares. Remus shuddered to think of what dreams tortured his friend every night, and guilt gnawed at him as he pondered over this. If only he'd been thinking clearly all those years, clearly enough to know that there was no possible way his friend could betray James, Lily, and Harry. Self-disgust swelled in him as he thought of the obvious signs Peter had shown: the way he always stuttered at Order meetings, the way he never seemed to make eye contact with any of the Marauders much in that final year when they asked him questions. If Remus had only been thinking straight, he'd have gotten Sirius out of the bowels of that hell. But instead, he'd let him suffer there for twelve agony-filled years. Sirius's condition was all his fault.
"Siri," Remus said gently. "Come on, I know you're upset. You can't bottle all of this up, it's not healthy."
Sirius's temper, which had been so close to breaking all day, finally snapped. He spat at Remus with a ferocious snarl, "Leave me the fuck alone, Lupin. You don't know shit about how I feel, okay? You have no right to be saying this to me!"
Many people would have snapped back or been extremely hurt by Sirius's response, but Remus had known his friend long enough to know that this was the way he acted when something was bothering him. Even though he'd hated his family, the Black heir had been taught that you shouldn't talk about your feelings, you should hide them inside and deal with them on your own. Sirius's eyes grew even more haunted as he threw these venomous words at Remus.
Remus sat on the bed next to Sirius, looking him straight in the eye. "I know you don't want to talk about it," he said quietly, "but I can assure you, you'll feel better if ..."
"Oh yeah?" interrupted Sirius with a vicious sneer. "You think I'll feel better? Hark, look who's talking, the one who lied to us about your lycanthropy until we found out about it!"
"Sirius, you know that was different," Remus said patiently. "Practically the whole world is prejudiced against ..."
"And the whole world thinks I'm a fucking mass murderer who betrayed our best friends to their deaths and then killed another best friend and a bunch of innocent Muggles!" Sirius roared. "So don't talk about feelings to me, Remus!"
Remus sighed softly. He knew it was only a matter of time, though, before Sirius shared what was on his mind. He could be read like an open book; despite his upbringing, he had a rough time keeping his feelings inside once he knew someone had figured them out.
Sure enough, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, Sirius said savagely, "I hate this house. Do you know what it's doing to me, Remus?"
"I know, Sirius. I know you hate it."
"Yeah, you know all, don't you?" said Sirius sarcastically. "You, the caring, understanding fellow who claims to know everything! Well, I'll tell you if you really want to know my feelings. I feel like a pathetic excuse for a wizard! I promised Lily and James I'd take care of Harry, and I've completely fucked up!"
"No, you haven't ..." Remus started.
"Yes, I bloody well have!" Sirius shouted. "You, who is condemned by most of society, are doing more for my godson than I can! And I despise that bastard Albus Dumbledore! He knows how much I loathe this house, and then he goes and locks me up here with my bitch of a mother and that stupid house-elf, Kreacher, and expects me to put up with it!" His shoulders were heaving, and he was wringing his hands together in complete fury.
"You know Dumbledore's only doing what's best," Remus said soothingly. "He doesn't want to see you get caught again."
"I don't care!" the other man spat. "I don't care anymore, Remus! Let the dementors get to me, let them suck out my soul, I don't give a flying shit anymore! I'm no use to anyone, and you, Remus, you'll just go on with your life and pretend that I don't exist, just like thirteen years ago!"
"You know that's not true, Siri," Remus tried. "Not once during those years did I ever forget you."
"Well, if that's the case, then why the hell didn't you get me out of Azkaban?" Sirius roared. "If you cared that much about me then you'd have at least fought for the Ministry to give me a trial! But instead you locked me away, convinced that I'd finally shown my true colors!" He gave a mirthless, bitter laugh. "And I know why you suspected me of betrayal even before it happened, too! It was the werewolf prank, wasn't it? The time I sent Snape to the Whomping Willow, straight to you! You've never forgiven me for that, have you? I thought that damn prank was behind us!"
Remus said nothing; shame and guilt poured over him in waves. He couldn't deny that that was the reason he'd had suspicions about Sirius's loyalties towards the end of the First War, when the Marauders and Lily knew that someone in their tight-knit little group was passing information to Voldemort. Remus's line of thought had been: well, if Sirius could betray Remus's secret like that to Snape, what else was he capable of?
"Oh God, Rem," Sirius cried, his anger suddenly melting away and turning into complete sadness. "Oh Merlin, what've I done? I've ruined everything, Remus! That fucking prank ruined EVERYTHING! Betrayals like that can never be forgotten, even though you did say you forgave me for it! And don't you dare lie to me and say it wasn't because of that, either!"
Remus laid his hand on Sirius's shoulder again, looking into his friend's heartbroken eyes and trying to convey with his own just how sorry he was for doubting Sirius. He should have known that he would never sell out his best friends to Voldemort like that. The werewolf prank had been a huge mistake, and he'd learned from it. He put his arms around his best friend. "Let go, Siri," he said softly. "It's okay to cry, it's okay."
"No," Sirius choked, trying to regain his composure. "Please don't do this to me, Rem. I hate this!"
"I promise you'll feel better if you let it out," Remus coaxed.
But Sirius, stubborn as ever, continued to fight an internal battle within himself. "Oh Gods," he finally said, his face crumpling. "I killed them, Rem. I killed Lily and James, and that, I can never forgive myself for. I condemned Harry to a life of misery." He buried his face in Remus's robes, trying to stifle the sobs that were rising within him.
"Padfoot, you couldn't have known," Remus tried to tell him. "None of us knew it was Peter." He could see the horrible, endless guilt in Sirius's gray eyes.
"Yeah, because I was too busy suspecting you were the spy!" Sirius snarled, self-loathing evident in his voice. "I should've known you were trying to recruit the werewolves to our side! You were being all distant and what did I do? I thought you were betraying us!"
"You know I've already forgiven you for that, Pads," Remus whispered, cradling his friend close. "Please, let go, Siri. I'll stay here beside you; I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
At this, every barrier of control that Sirius had built broke, and he began to sob in Remus's arms. He clung to his friend desperately, and his whole body shook as tears streamed down his hollow, gaunt face. Remus tried to soothe him as best he could, muttering comforting words in his ear as his best friend wept out all the sorrow of the last thirteen years. He'd never seen Sirius cry like this, and it was heartbreaking to watch.
It seemed to go on forever. When Sirius would try to get himself under control, he would only succeed for a few seconds before he would dissolve into tears again. He tried to talk through his howls of grief, repeating over and over again, "Lily and James, oh Gods, I'm sorry! It's all my fault!" But eventually, his racking sobs subsided, but Remus continued to hold him close.
"Sorry," Sirius muttered as he finally lifted his head; his face was red, blotchy, and tearstained. "I-I didn't mean to break down like that. You probably think I'm a fool."
"No, of course I don't," Remus reassured him gently. "You needed to let go. You have nothing to apologize for. Don't you feel so much better now?"
Sirius reluctantly nodded. "Remy, Azkaban was awful," he admitted softly. "Every single memory I wanted to forget came rushing back to me when those dementors came near. Even when I was Padfoot, it was hard to keep them back."
"I know, old friend," Remus said sadly. "And I'm really sorry I couldn't do anything for you. Believe me, had I known you were innocent, I would have had you out of there very quickly."
"I know, and I'm sorry I mentioned the fact that you didn't," Sirius said with a shaky sigh. "Gods, I'm so sorry, Moony."
"Everything's going to be fine now, Siri," Remus comforted. "Don't say you're sorry anymore. And peter will show himself soon enough, and you'll be granted your freedom."
"How can you be sure, though?" Sirius said miserably. "Peter's a sneaky little bastard, he's not going to get caught. I just can't believe we were the ones to teach him how to not get himself in trouble. He's using that lesson against us in the worst way possible now."
"I know," Remus said mournfully, thinking of his old friend. "He's so different from the Peter we used to know."
"And I'm so scared," Sirius confessed, still holding tightly to Remus. "The war. It's all going to start again, and Gods, I don't want to go through losing friends like we did last time. Harry, he's in so much danger. I can't lose him. Merlin, I can't lose you, Rem. I'm already insane enough as it is; without you, I think I'd die. Please promise me that you'll stay safe."
"Siri, you know we're doing everything we can to help Harry; we're not going to let him fight this war alone. As for my safety, you know that can't be guaranteed," Remus said gently. "You know I can't promise that. But I can assure you that I'll try the best I can to stay alive. And if the worst happens, please don't despair or blame yourself. You'll always find me here," he said softly, pointing to his heart.
Sirius sighed and let out a choked laugh. "Oh, here comes the sappy Moony again," he said with a weak smile. "Can't go for a day without making a sentimental comment."
Remus smiled back. "Old habits die hard," he answered.
"I'll try to remember to be strong if something happens, but I'm still terrified," Sirius admitted. "But I hope I never lose you."
"I have to ask you something, Moony," Sirius said somberly after a few minutes of just holding one another. "You're not going to like it, but I need you to understand something. If Harry becomes endangered and I'm still not cleared of the charges against me, you have to let me go to him. You have to let me fight by his side, you have to let me protect him."
"Padfoot ..." Remus started. "You know we'll take care of Harry. None of us want you to get caught ..."
"Moony, please!" Sirius begged, and the desperation came back tenfold into his gray eyes. "You don't understand how much I need to be there for Harry! Lily and James made me promise to protect him always, and I've already failed them. Please, Moony, please just let me do this one thing for them. I can't fail them again, I just can't!"
"Lily and James wouldn't want you to get caught or killed, though," Remus tried to convince his brave friend.
"It doesn't matter. I'd die fighting for Harry or go to Azkaban again for him, and you know it," Sirius said with a look of determination. "You can't stop me from going, Remus. I can't make peace with myself until I've helped Harry."
The two gazed into each other's eyes, and finally, Remus nodded, knowing deep down that he was allowing his friend to walk right to his death or imprisonment if this scenario was to occur, but also knowing that nothing he could say would stop Sirius from achieving this goal. He desperately hoped that it wouldn't come to that, though; the guilt he would feel if something happened to Sirius would be insurmountable. "All right, but can you promise me something in return?" he asked.
"Yeah, what's that?" Sirius asked, preparing himself for whatever Remus was about to say.
"I know how much you hate this house," said Remus gently. "But we all need you here. Unless something happens to Harry and he needs immediate help, I want to be sure that you are completely safe. You're no use back in Azkaban or dead."
"But I'm no use here either," Sirius muttered morosely.
"Please don't say that, Padfoot," Remus urged. "You are a wonderful friend to me; we've just found each other again, and I don't want to lose you. We know not to suspect each other anymore if something goes wrong, and we can get through this war together. Please promise that you'll do this for me, for my sanity's sake at least. I need you, Sirius," he said honestly.
Sirius couldn't look away from the werewolf's amber gaze. His face softened, and he relented. "Fine," he sighed. "I'll stay in the damned house, if it makes you happy. But you'll be out loads of the time, won't you, doing stuff for the Order?" The bitterness in his voice couldn't be disguised.
"I'll be here as much as I can, old friend," Remus promised. "As much as I can. Just have faith, Pads. Things will be better soon."
"Gods, I hope so," Sirius replied. His face then adopted a look which was so vulnerable it tugged at Remus's heartstrings; he looked like a lost little boy. "Can you please stay with me tonight?" he asked in a small voice.
"Of course I can," Remus answered in his gentle, reassuring tone. "You didn't even need to ask, I was planning on it anyway."
Relief surged through Sirius, and he looked at his old friend gratefully. "Thanks," he whispered.
"Not a problem. I'll stay here beside you; that's what friends are for," Remus said, rubbing Sirius's back comfortingly.
So when the two friends went to bed that night, Remus took his childhood friend into his arms and rocked him tenderly, trying to chase all his nightmares and demons away. Once, Sirius did have a nightmare, and he woke up shaking and sobbing. But Remus's soothing presence helped him tremendously, and pretty soon, he was sleeping like a baby again. Remus then went to sleep himself, feeling incredibly blessed that he had Sirius in his life again. He was going to do everything he could to help Sirius recover from Azkaban, and he was going to try to distract him from being in this awful house. He owed his friend a lot after what he'd been through, and whatever it took, he would stay here beside him.