A/N: Decided to go outside my comfort zone and write a fic from Kylo Ren's perspective, and boy, was it a challenge! However, I'm excited with how it is coming out and hope you enjoy! This will be a three part fic taking place after The Last Jedi.
[Image credit: "Learning to Fly" by Jenny Dolfen]
"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth." – African Proverb.
"You're impossible."
A door slammed.
"You're not a walk in the park either sometimes, sweetheart!"
The door reopened and a shuffle of footsteps echoed from down the hall. Ben sat up from his pillow and gingerly placed his X-wing model on his nightstand. The heated exchange of words was not an unusual occurrence in his home, he merely was preparing for the inevitable fallout.
"You're just so…" Ben heard his mother's simmering temper begin to flare beneath the surface of her usual even demeanor. All the right buttons had been pushed and her voice was increasing in pitch. Leia Organa Solo had spent a significant portion of her lifetime debating and sharing hard words with stubborn politicians and enemies of the Republic alike. However, when it came to arguing with her own husband, words failed her and often came in fragmented sentences. "… infuriating!"
"Oh, I'm infuriating?" His father mocked. "You should try living with you some days!"
"Fine – then, just leave!"
Han Solo must have obliged because within minutes after Leia's request, Ben heard the rumble of engines outside and a roaring hum, followed by a distant boom of a ship swiftly exiting the atmosphere. The Millennium Falcon had departed Chandrila.
Ben allowed for a few minutes to pass before climbing quietly from his bed. Barefoot and in his nightwear, he effortlessly maneuvered through the dark hallway from his bedroom to his parents'. Restless nights and a need for comfort due to frightening nightmares had allowed him commit this walk to memory over the eight past years of his young life. The smooth floor felt cool under his exposed feet, the sun had been down for a number of hours now.
Once he reached his destination, Ben idled at the open door. His mother's back was to him as she sat at the edge of the bed, shoulders hunched over, bobbing up and down from ragged breathing. Ben admired her long hair that hung down her back in a loose braid. She had worn her hair in braids for as long as he could remember. Deep brown with the slightest hint of silver, like the first stars that appeared at dusk. He thought she had the most beautiful hair he had ever seen – no – she was the most beautiful woman in the whole wide galaxy.
"Ben. Come here, sweetheart." It had only taken a moment for Leia Organa to sense her young son standing at the doorframe. Being as Force-sensitive as she was, she had a knack for it and it endlessly frustrated Ben when he was caught doing something he shouldn't—such as staying up well past bed-time or attempting to snag a piece of quinberry cake from the kitchen before supper. It was truly like she had eyes in the back of her head. She hastily wiped her tears away in attempts to regain composure as Ben complied by soundlessly hopping onto the bed next to her. Leia reached for him, enveloping him in a tight embrace.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that…" Her voice held a mixture of sadness and a twinge embarrassment. Ben assured her by shrugging indifferently in her arms.
"It's alright, Mom. I promise." Ben was enjoying the feeling of her silk sleep robe pressing against his peach fuzzed cheek and continued on. "But I don't know why you're so sad he left..." He briefly pulled away and was met with a skeptical look from his mother complete with her signature eyebrow raise. He was loyal to his father, but also honest. "You get so angry when he's here sometimes."
"Ah, from the mouth of babes…" Leia lifted a giggling Ben onto her lap as they fell back. He breathed her in, cherishing her familiar smell. She always smelt like the sweetest vanilla and lilac, especially just before bed. It should have made him sad when his father left so abruptly some days but he selfishly enjoyed their alone time together.
"I love your father very much, Ben…" Ben knew that. Leia began, gently tousling his thick hair with her fingers. It grew in soft dark curls that hung loose just below his ears and in his eyes. "I love his fiery spirit, his compassion." Her lips turned into a slight smile as she continued on ever so quietly, as if drifting off into a memory. "I'm convinced we're soul mates, if the Force ever does such a thing. Our paths crossed, our destinies intertwined to do good." Ben didn't appear to be listening and was now preoccupied by the delicate stitching on the hem of Leia's night robe sleeve, fiddling the lace stitches and beading. Leia pushed the top of his hair down and planted a kiss. "We were meant to create something beyond ourselves, something beautiful."
"Gross, Mom."
"Now Ben, one day you'll understand." The heavy sentiment in her voice caused Ben's attention to turn upward. Her gaze held his large brown eyes, almost mirror images of her own. "I wish that for you – to not go through life facing the galaxy and its challenges, alone."
Ben wrinkled in his nose in disgust. He was not impressed. "Not if I become like Uncle Luke!" He protested. "He doesn't need to be with anyone."
Leia's expression tightened for a moment, but so brief that Ben didn't notice. "Well, we'll have to see. But for now…" Leia leaned out towards an old book that sat on the end table next to the bed. Books and stories so often came in the form of data-tapes and flimsiplast, but his mother choice of home goods always had more of a rustic flair. "How about a story before bed?" Ben's wordless answer was to nestle closer to his mother, who took this as an immediate yes.
Opened book in one hand, the pages worn as a testament to many evenings that had come before, and the other hand resting on the shoulder of her young son with the hope that there would be more evenings like these ahead, Leia began to read.
"A long time ago…"
With a hiss and a slam, the Falcon door abruptly closed as it had done so many times in the span of Ren's twenty-nine years.
And once again, like many times before, Ren was left alone.
Despite himself, Ren flinched at the noise. The sound was familiar, the pang of loneliness that followed was about as routine as muscle memory, but this heartache was different. He was so sure of what could have been, he had seen the future so vividly and been so enticed by its promises, yet the Force seemed to have other intentions entirely. Jedi of the past have been wary of falling too deep into these visions of the future, warned that an obsession of these outcomes would lead to fear of loss, unrestrained passion and emotion.
But Ren was no Jedi.
With his sight beginning to blur, Ren's attention shifted to what he held. It glinted in the sun that streamed in from the cracked outpost door, contrasting against the black of his gloved hand. It only took a moment for him to recognize the novelty dice that once belonged to his father - how could he forget? They were an ever-present decoration in the background of his childhood. There was once a time he would use the Falcon's wobbly seats, eagerly grasping for the dice as they hung from the cockpit ceiling. It would not be long until he was tall enough to reach for them on his own, his desire to be a pilot like his father once his ultimate ambition. He longed to make his father proud—maybe, just maybe it would convince his father to stay more than he did. These memories were distant and hazy. Ren did not know that earnest, young man anymore.
Just as quickly as the memories flooded back, the dice disappeared. Faded away, much like the son he once was. Ren gripped his empty hand into a tight fist.
Cheap trick.
Momentarily distracted, he did not notice that Hux had joined him in abandoned outpost control room – uninvited. He cleared his throat as Ren lifted himself from his kneeled position on the floor.
"Supreme Leader." Hux nearly choked while addressing him, his words strained. Ren did not need to reach through the Force to discern that the general was having a great deal of difficulty acknowledging Ren's new title. Resentful as he may be, Hux was also no fool. Though behind closed doors he scoffed at the dated, mystical ways of the late Supreme Leader Snoke and his apprentice, he had also been on the receiving end of a Force choke or two. He would play along as necessary and by some flawed logic, Ren mused, maybe Hux believed he could make it through this while landing on top.
Ren sneered inwardly. Unlikely.
"Shall we go after them?"
"No." Ren ordered evenly without meeting the general's gaze. Hux did not attempt to disguise the disapproval that tugged at his pale features.
"But, Supreme Leader, you had just-"
"Are you questioning my orders, General?"
"No-just" Hux stammered. He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing forcefully downward along with his pride. The general would have preferred to see Ren's original plan of action carried out, but he also would prefer not to be tossed across the room like a rag doll twice in one day. "It just seems rather unwise to let them go, when they have such small numbers. I'm sure we can narrow down their coordinates. We are in an advantageous position. The entire Resistance can be squashed if only-"
"Let them go." Ren said, almost dismissively. Hux's jaw locked closed at the new Supreme Leader's apparent indifference towards their current predicament, but his rage stayed locked away at the recent memory of his face meeting the metal floor. Ren pretended not to notice Hux's slowly building temper and idly tugged at the hem of his sleeve. Hux needed to be reminded of who was in command, despite the shameful spectacle that had occurred only minutes before. "What is said to have happened when a Battle Hydra is beheaded?" He could sense Hux racking his brain for an answer, but came up short on a description of this mystical creature. The Supreme Leader answered for him in a lazy drawl "Two would grow in its place." He at last turned towards the general, his expression cool and composed in comparison to his subordinate's red-faced, sullen one. "There will be no more martyrs to inspire the masses today, General. See to this."
"Yes, Supreme Leader."
Without another word, Ren turned on his heels and exited the outpost's feeble excuse for a control room. The stormtroopers that idled outside the door silently followed him to his ship, leaving a brooding General Hux behind. In the minutes before Hux would rejoin them, Ren exhaled the breath he was holding through the duration of their discussion. He had been convincing enough to temporarily rein in his rabid cur, if only to bide more time to decide how he wished to handle the remaining Resistance.
His mother.
Rey.
"Careful, Ren, that your personal interest does not interfere with orders from Supreme Leader Snoke."
Just as swiftly as the whisper of past threats crossed Ren's mind, they vanished.
He was the Supreme Leader now. His personal interests and orders were one in the same.
No one says anything to Ben, but they don't have to. He knows they all have heard.
The other students of the Temple are careful to avoid him in recreational spaces and the dining hall. The only time his peers acknowledge him are during dueling practice, where he is always last to be selected as a partner. Most meals Ben now spends alone. He never was a very social young man to begin with, but the isolation that this news brings is oppressive.
Darth Vader, the most feared and destructive being in the galaxy's history, is his grandfather.
His mother's father, to be exact. With tensions rising between populists and centrists, the exposure of this dark truth was undoubtedly a move to slander Leia Organa's honor and dedication to the New Republic. Although Ben should wonder how his mother was faring in all this, he didn't have much time to. Despite Uncle Luke's best attempt to shield his young nephew from this news, images of the past Sith lord and his mother are splayed across every HoloNet imaginable, to every corner of the galaxy. Not even his remote Jedi training Temple was safe from the scandal.
Uncle Luke attempts to reach out, but Ben rejects his advances. He knew, just as his parents did, yet Ben discovered this terrible family secret along with the rest of the galaxy. His lineage is being scrutinized by the public – and worse, his peers - and Ben suffocates under the weight. He was deceived by those who were closest to him, there is no one to turn to now.
But the voice comes at night, as it always has done since Ben could remember. Once shadows at the back of his mind in the form of nightmares, the darkness is now a single entity. It soothes his fears, whispers words of encouragement; it assures him that he is far more than worthy of the respect his fellow students fail to give him. He falls asleep to a sweet, sickly lullaby of affirmation. Ben Solo will do great things, it hisses. His parents, his uncle, all just fear his power. They wish to control what they do not understand, but Ben Solo cannot be controlled. He will be the most powerful being the galaxy has ever known.
This voice fuels him by the light of day. Once timid and gangly, Ben now fights with might and aggression. He draws power in anger, not weakness. Most of his peers are afraid but a handful watch on, intrigued. Uncle- no, Master – Luke looks on from a distance. Ben ignores his grim expression, his dark eyebrows drawn in disapproval.
Luke Skywalker is no longer his master. His students will never know true potential, they are being held back by the Jedi way.
The voice now has a name.
Snoke.
And Snoke promises Ben many things.
A/N: Oof! Hope you enjoy! As always, especially since I'm a new writer to this fandom, any feedback is appreciated! If you like what you read, feel free to stop by my profile and read my completed fic "Echoes of the Force" which is also a post TLJ story.
xox Rose