Disclaimer: I do not own The Young Riders; just taking them out to have some fun.
A/N: This is my first story! Thank you to all who read it for me, gave constructive criticism, and provided reassurance to the nth power, you know who you are. I have taken major liberties with events and timelines;it is set during the third season in Rock Creek.
As far as I was concerned, Teaspoon's announcement came as a blessing in disguise. Oh, the boys made faces and gave a collective groan when Teaspoon summoned us to the bunkhouse; they sensed what was coming. And they had good reason: an emergency run, two nights for two guns to Fort Laramie. But I wasn't about to complain; Ike never usually complained much; and Buck - well, of all of us Buck complained the least.
"Any volunteers?" Teaspoon addressed the group with his characteristic Texas drawl. "Lou? Good. Anyone else, or - he plucked several straws from the broom leaning against the wall, " shall we let Fate do the choosing?"
Noah, Jimmy, Kid, and Cody exchanged uneasy glances; they all hated overnighters. Ike glanced quickly at Buck with a raised eyebrow; Buck almost imperceptibly shook his head. Teaspoon had the straws at the ready, tucked into his fist and was saying "Short straw gets the ride, boys" when a quiet voice spoke.
"It's all right, Teaspoon, I'll go."
It was Buck who had spoken and I breathed an inward sigh of relief. Oh, Ike's company would have been fine - what he lacked in a spoken voice, he made up for with a razor-sharp wit and uncanny perception. And unlike most of the others, he knew when enough was enough. But given the way I'd been feeling lately, I was glad to be riding with Buck. I always felt completely safe when I rode with him; he was quiet and usually serious but had a subtle, appealing sense of humour and was the best tracker in the Territory.
I quickly packed my gear, adding an extra blanket and a rain slicker in case the unpredictable weather turned ugly. I headed to the barn and saddled up Lightning. Outside at the hitching rail I was tightening the cinch strap when Rachel joined me. She handed me a most welcome piece of baggage: a canvas satchel packed with sandwiches for supper and muffins for breakfast.
"Thanks, Rachel" I said gratefully. "This'll help shorten our trip since we can ride longer without having to stop and cook our food."
"You're welcome, honey. I thought I'd pack some of Buck's favourites" she said with a smile and a wink. The light breeze ruffled her honey-coloured hair; she tucked a stray lock behind her ear.
"You're not sweet on him now, are you?" I teased.
"I love all of my boys the same - and my girl most of all" she teased back. "But something's weighing heavy on his mind and I hate to see him so sad. It breaks my heart to see him hurting and not be able to help."
"What's wrong?" I asked, leaning against the rail. "Has he told you anything?" I'd been so wrapped up in my own affairs I hadn't noticed much else going on around me, let alone Buck.
"I don't know what's bothering him and he hasn't said anything - not to me anyway. Ike, maybe. I'd love to help him, but I don't want to pry." Rachel looked troubled.
"Lots of hurting going on" I said soberly. "I'm not sorry to get away from here for a couple of days. I need a break from - uhm, this place." I quickly looked away, sharp tears suddenly pricking my eyes, but I'd be damned if I let anyone see me cry, even Rachel.
"This business with the Kid has really been hard on you, hasn't it?" Rachel asked gently.
"Well, yeah." I dug a hole in the dirt with the toe of my boot. "I just need to separate myself from all of it for a bit. It's like I miss him but I don't miss him at the same time." I lowered my eyes. "Pretty silly, ain't it?"
"Not at all" Rachel said with a rueful grin. She bent down and picked up a second package she'd placed on the ground beside her, and handed it to me. "Here - I got this for you some time ago. I wanted to wait until the time was right."
I was all set to rip it open right then and there but she hastily laid a hand over mine. "Promise me you won't open it until you get to Laramie?"
I did something then that I almost never did with anyone: I threw my arms around Rachel and hugged her hard.
"You'd better get a move on, honey. Buck and Spirit are waitin on you."
With that I mounted up, no longer feeling like plain old Lou McLeod who dressed like a boy and sometimes forgot she was even a girl. Buck rode over to us.
"Ready?" he asked with the shadow of a grin.
"Yep" I grinned back. We cantered off to Rachel's call of "Ride safe!"
The afternoon remained cool and we were able to cover more miles than we'd originally hoped. Midafternoon, Buck signalled to me; we'd come upon a fast-flowing creek where we'd be able to water the horses and fill our canteens.
I dismounted and led Lightning over to the creek's bank where Buck had already dismounted from Spirit. I wasn't sorry to take a break from the saddle; my lower back and lower front were both aching to beat the devil. I groaned softly and stretched, arching my back forwards and backwards. Buck looked up at me; he'd been filling his canteen at the creek's edge.
"You all right, Lou?" he asked quietly. "You look kind of pale."
"I'm okay, just didn't get much sleep last night is all." No way was I going to tell him what the real problem was.
"Cody's snoring kept me awake, too" he chuckled. It struck me then that I'd never noticed before just how his eyes lit up and his mouth crinkled at the corners when he laughed. "Here, I'll fill your canteen too."
I handed it to him when I was struck by a cramp as swift and savage as a lightning bolt. I silently doubled over.
Strong hands held my upper arms until finally the pain subsided, leaving me trembling and sweaty. I shakily drew my hand across my mouth. Buck, bless him, made no comment, just handed me my canteen.
"Have a drink - the water's cold and fresh."
It was indeed. I thanked him, then sat down in the shade of an ancient willow. I watched as Buck walked off in the opposite direction, probably to take care of personal things, I thought. It felt good just to rest even briefly. The pain in my back and front had settled to a steady, dull ache; bearable, I thought, for a couple or three more hours of riding. A hot campfire was something to look forward to. I tried to make myself look presentable and made my way over to Lightning. He nickered and nuzzled my shoulder and I scratched his ears, something he loved.
"Just a few more hours today, big fella" I rubbed his head on my arm. Presently Buck joined us.
"Got a few more hours left in you, Lou?" His tone was light, his eyes serious. They seemed to have darkened somehow.
Why was I only noticing these things now, when I'd known Buck for so long already? I pondered this as we mounted our horses and cantered off. I trusted him to keep a sharp watch as we rode, something I knew came as natural as breathing to the Kiowa part of him. I knew in my gut that I could trust Buck with my life.
He was by nature a quiet man, except when he was with Ike. He showed me and Rachel the utmost respect, unlike the others who usually treated me as a sometimes-annoying sister. Not that that was a bad thing; when my secret had been revealed I'd been terrified that the boys would rat me out to Teaspoon. But they hadn't.
Wait just a minute here - I thought of Buck as a man while I thought of the others as boys? Why was that, anyway? All of us had fought like men in some damned desperate situations, we'd fought to the death when we'd had to...we'd die for each other, too, if it came to that. We were all we really had. We were family through and through.
And Buck...I didn't even know how old he was; I'd heard that the Kiowa didn't keep track of birthdays like we did. If I had to guess I'd say Buck was about my age, maybe a year older, as were the others. That didn't make him a man but other things did - he wasn't cocky like Cody or arrogant like Jimmy...or judgemental like Kid...
Damn. Kid was the last person I wanted to be thinking about. I pictured the look of shocked surprise on his face and all of my anger, shame, and hurt boiled up inside of me all over again. I was ready to spit venom, just like an angry snake.
"Lou...LOU!"
"What?" I replied curtly.
"Want to make camp for the night?" Buck indicated a riverbank with a grove of trees for shelter. I nodded to him and we reined our horses in first to a trot, then a walk.
"Looks like as good a spot as any." I dismounted and began to unpack my saddlebags, as did Buck. "I'll take care of the horses if you'll see to the fire" I offered. I felt bad for having been short with him - he had nothing to do with my relationship problems or the pain I was in.
"Thanks, Lou. Sure." Buck gave me a brief smile, the first one in a long time. He had a beautiful smile, real and honest, that started somewhere in his eyes. A smile that made me feel all tingly, made my stomach drop.
Not wanting to be caught staring, I quickly set about buckling my saddlebags closed again.
"What's in the package?" Buck's voice came from somewhere near my elbow and I jumped.
"Ahhh...Just something Rachel sent along. She - uh - wants me to drop it off in Fort Laramie for her."
"Oh." Buck's voice sounded a little doubtful, but then again my answer had sounded pretty feeble. I started to unsaddle the horses; Buck went off to gather firewood. I gave both Lightning and Spirit a good rubdown and soon Buck had a large fire burning.
Finally, we both washed our hands in the creek. I splashed water on my face and neck; the cold water felt so good, helped to revive me a little. Drying my hands on my trouser legs, I walked over to the fire where Buck was opening the satchel of food that Rachel had sent with us. The sandwiches were a little squashed but still tasted wonderful. At length, our stomachs full, we set our bedrolls down on the ground by the fire.
Buck threw on more wood; I watched the sparks rise up to the darkening sky. The first stars were just coming out. I hooked my arms around my bent knees and sighed.
"Long day" Buck said, taking off his hat and shaking out his long hair.
"Yeah...good riding, though. We've made good time so far." I reached for my canteen and took a long swallow. "You want some coffee? I'll make it" I offered.
Buck shook his head. He reached for a cup sitting on a flat rock at the edge of the fire. To my surprise, he handed it to me.
"What's this?" I asked, puzzled.
"It's raspberry leaf and willow bark tea" he replied quietly.
"What's it for?" I held the cup in my hands and inhaled the rising steam; it smelled good, aromatic and fruity.
"It'll help your monthly cramps."
I stole a glance at Buck; the firelight flickered gold on his brown skin. I could barely meet his eyes, I was so embarrassed, but to my surprise he was not - he looked as though he had just stated that the sky was blue.
"It's not a shameful thing, Lou. Nothing natural is shaming."
The burning in my cheeks gradually subsided. I sipped the hot brew.
"It's really good, Buck. Thank you" I said gratefully. It was.
"The Kiowa women believe that one who suffers so will someday bear many children" Buck said with a grin.
"I believe what you're sayin, Buck, but right now havin babies is the last thing I want to be thinkin about" I said dryly.
Buck laughed heartily, a most welcome sound. I didn't know if he was laughing with me or at me but I didn't care. I began to chuckle and soon i was laughing right along with him.
At length our laughter slowed. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and drank down the rest of the herbal tea.
"How're you feeling?" Buck asked, poking the fire up with a stick.
"I really do feel better, Buck. Better than I have in - well, a real long time." My gaze faltered and I looked down at my feet. "I guess you know Kid and I broke up."
"I knew" Buck said somberly, eyes dark in the firelight. "Getting away for a couple of days was a good idea. You can sort things out better if you're away from Rock Creek."
"I don't know what there is to sort out" I said, staring at the flames. "I don't plan on getting back together with Kid again. Ever."
"You don't have to be telling me this" Buck said gently. "Not unless you really want to."
"I do, though. That's just it - you're the only one - "
"The only one what?" he asked, raising a fine dark eyebrow.
"The only one besides Ike who'd really care enough to listen" I whispered. Tears began to track down my cheeks; I swiped at them angrily. "Kid - thinks I'm not - good - enough, for him."
This was met with stunned silence. "Why?" Buck asked finally.
"Because I'm damaged goods, Buck" I said bitterly. "No man is ever going to want me."
"That's horseshit" he snorted. "Why would he turn you away for having been with someone in an act of love - "
"But it wasn't." My voice was harsh and low. I stared into his eyes defiantly. "I was taken against my will. I was raped."
The tears began in earnest; I couldn't wipe them away fast enough. I covered my face with my hands and sobbed in anger and shame.
Buck muttered an oath. He came over and sat down close beside me, then I was held tight in his arms.
"Lou" he whispered and kissed my temple. "Lou, don't cry. I know how much it hurts."
"No you don't" I sobbed. He stroked my hair and held me even closer, if that was possible.
"I do...my mother was raped by a white man. I am the result of that."
His words were so bare, so stark. He had known this all his life, had had to live with it every single day, and the implications were huge.
"God, Buck...what has your life been like?" I whispered, chastened.
"The Kiowa don't trust me...to them I am white. " He spoke bitterly. "To the whites I am just a low-down half-breed. Even Red Bear, my half-brother, would side against me in most things. Until I came to the Pony Express I didn't fit in anywhere. Ike has been my only friend, ever."
"Buck..." I was truly at a loss for words. I had heard, of course, of Buck being referred to as half-breed, but I had never thought of the implications until now. "You are such a fine man...such a good friend...why can't anyone see you, past your skin?" The tears ran down my cheeks...I didn't care. I put my arms tight around him, rested my forehead against his shoulder.
He half-turned to face me...our faces were so close. He tipped up my chin with his hand and touched his lips to mine. I let out a small sigh and managed a smile, for this was so very welcome. He gave me a half-smile and touched my lips with his again, longer this time.
I cupped his face with my hands, stroked his hair. His eyes closed and a small smile played about his lips. He leaned forward. his forehead resting against mine. We sat in a long, comfortable silence, not needing words to express how we felt. What I had said to him was true - I felt better than I had in a really long time.
"Would you do something for me, Buck?" I asked quietly. He nodded.
"Anything, Lou."
"Would - you bring your bedroll over here tonight? I...don't want to be alone."
I felt shy asking him this; I wasn't used to asking favours of anyone, and in this I was being bold for I had realized something. I harboured feelings for Buck, not just the usual brotherly-type I felt for all of the boys. This was different, something deeper and darker somehow...maybe like a woman felt for a man. Maybe...
I shook out my bedroll in case any of the big desert spiders had crawled inside then laid it out on the ground, Buck doing the same. I stretched out on the blanket and then I was joined by my companion. It felt so good to have a man sleep right next to me, his arms wrapped tight around my body. I was able to slide into sleep without trouble or worry.
Let me know what you think! Sorry to all the fans of Kid out there.