Insecurities

Authors Note/Disclaimer: Obviously I do not own Chicago P.D, that credit is due to go to the writers/creators.

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Summary: With a new life approaching soon, Jay finally tells Erin what has been on his mind.

One Shot

38 Weeks.
266 Days.
6384 Hours.
383040 Minutes.
22982400 Seconds.

That was how long Jay had been holding his thoughts inside his mind, letting them invade not only his waking hours but also his sleeping ones. For the past nine months he had attempted to wrap his mind around the idea of having another child. Allowing not only the joy but the anger, sorrow and frustration flow through his body. Every ounce of him wanted to believe that he was prepared for this, to be a father once more but he wasn't convinced. For some unknown reason he found this time more overwhelming, he placed it down to this being his first child with Erin. It was the first time he had been able to watch her bond with the child growing within her stomach and over time he had begun to realise what impact this would have on their family dynamic. This child she was carrying would share her blood, be tied to her in a way his children would never experience.

Not to be mistaken, he could never deny that she loved Audrey and Alexander but they were not her children. They were his. It was why since the pregnancy he found himself constantly reminded of that fact. He didn't just question her devotion to the thirteen year old and three year old, he also questioned his.
This was the first time he had experienced a pregnancy that had been planned with the woman he loved from beginning to end. He had tried to ignore the thoughts that made him question himself, but this child was part of him, part of Erin. It wasn't a child he had never known about, nor a child from a one night stand. God, he thought of Alex's existence and how that had almost been the end of him and Erin.

"Jay."

Jay startled, pushing himself off the door frame to the baby's room where he had been leaning, he placed a faked smile on his face when he saw Erin behind him. The last thing he wanted to do was share his concerns with her. His insecurities were his. "Hey, everything alright?"

Erin raised her eyebrow. "I was just about to ask you that."

"I'm fine." He told her, reaching out to close to the door to the room.

Erin reached out to touch his shoulder. "Hey, talk to me. Jay, you've haven't been yourself for weeks. I thought you would have come to me by now." Most couples fought or at least had arguments, some even kept secrets but that was not them. They were open, honest and they never fought. Jay being closed off made no sense to her. She could feel him stiffening under her hand and she dropped her hold on his shoulder.

He wanted to speak to her about it, to have her understand his concerns but there was a sense of fear that she would not be able to take away his concerns. "I'm okay, Erin."

"Don't lie to me." Erin hissed at him, annoyed by his sudden dishonesty. "Have you done something I should be aware of?"

Jay frowned. "No, of course not."

Erin breathed deeply, trying to arrange her thoughts in her mind. Her hand absentmindly going to her stomach, fingers gently running along her bump. "I thought we were a team."

"We are." Jay had momentarily forgotten how pregnancy had made Erin rather emotional. He turned around and gently placed his hands on her arms. "We are a team, you and I."

"Then tell me the truth."

Jay rubbed his hands over her arms. "It's just my own insecurities; it's nothing I can't deal with." He hoped once he saw the baby that all his fears would melt away.

Erin raised her eyebrow with interest; she had never known Jay to be insecure. Not about anything. "Care to share?"

"We are having a baby." It was all there in the statement, but he saw the confusion cloud Erin's features. What was obvious to him, was not to her. "Let me," He took a deep breath, staring her straight in the eyes, ready to lay it all on the table. "We are having a baby, a child that will be ours. I don't want to doubt you, but we both know that Audrey and Alex…"

"Are mine." Erin interrupted him, taking a step backwards, a brief look of hurt rushing through her eyes. "Audrey and Alex are mine. I am raising them. Granted, we might not share the same DNA but those children are mine." She truly didn't want to be hurt by his accusations but his words did sting. She thought she earned his trust, especially when she accepted Alex especially considering the circumstances.

Jay could see the hurt displayed in her features and it only confirmed his feelings on not wishing to tell her. "It is not just that I am insecure about, Erin. I'm worried about myself too. This child you are carrying is a part of you and me. You are the woman I love, who I imagined having a family with." He closed his eyes. "I never pictured us starting out together, then having a nine year old girl walk into our lives, I never thought I would stray and end up with a child." He paused, he couldn't open his eyes now, if he did he could only imagine the pain he would see as he mentioned Jasmine. "This child will call you mom; they could look like you or have your personality. What happens if I…" He couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence, because he didn't want to admit that he had thought such things.

Erin could see the fear, the anguish sprawled across his face. "Oh Jay." She stepped forward, grabbing his hand. "Hey, look at me." She encouraged, waiting for him to open his eyes. "You are a wonderful father, don't you ever doubt that. This is going to be different; this isn't a child you missed nine year of, nor a baby that brought a lot of pain. But I know you, you are going to father the equally, love them because of whom they are not where they came from. Each will have a special connection to you. You need to believe in yourself."

Jay felt the tears in his eyes, the words the woman he loved spoke touched him. "I'm sorry."

"I wish you had come to me." She admitted to him. "I have helped you raise Alex since he was six months old. I experienced almost every milestone, maybe he doesn't call me mom, but that is purely because we've never hidden Jasmine from him." She spoke the name bitterly. "I know that in my heart I am his mother. As for Audrey, she had Rebecca for nine years, I cannot replace the mother that was taken from her but I do love her as any mother would. They are our children, Jay and I promise I will always love them and be there for them. That will never change."

Jay pulled her into his embrace before she could say another word. "I am so sorry, Erin. I couldn't, I just…"

Erin rubbed his back. "Listen to me, our family was made in an unconventional way but to me it's perfect." She told him.

"Is everything okay?"

Jay and Erin broke apart, turning to see Audrey standing at the end of the hall, a sheepish look across her face for having interrupted a moment between her father and his wife.

"How much of that did you hear?"

Audrey smiled at him. "Uncle Will just brought us home; he's in the living room with Alex. I just came to find you." She had barely finished her sentence before she found herself squished between her father and his wife. "Uh, hello, teenager here. Personal space." She told them, but she couldn't help but grin when she felt her father kiss her head. "Are you sure everything is okay?"

"I love you, Audrey."

"I love you too, Erin." She was finally released from the hug. "You know neither of you have to be scared, or worried. Alex and I know you love us; I also expect things to change. This is a big…"

"You did hear us." Jay exclaimed, concern spreading through his features.

"I did," Audrey admitted, though she did not look ashamed. "And I am glad I did. I heard enough to tell you that you've both been in my life for six years now. Dad, you've lived up to every expectation I have ever had and I doubt that you will ever fail me. Erin, I want you to know that I love my mother and I know that you would never try to replace her but you do make that void ache a little less, you are always here for me, love me more than I thought imaginable." She smiled up at Erin. "I don't call you mom, but I want you to know that I consider you my mother in every way that matters."

Jay stood back and watched the scene between his girls, the way Audrey reached out to touch Erin's baby bump, a knowing smile twitching on her lips and it touched him even more to hear the words leave Erin's mouth.

"You make me prouder with every moment. I don't need a name to tell me what I am, you are my daughter and I've thought that from the moment I met you."

"I do think you need to explain to Alex that you are his mother though, he calls you mommy but he's confused by Jasmine. I think he needs that reassurance." She motioned to the living area. "Come on, Uncle Will is waiting." She turned around and walked away leaving her parents alone.

Jay quickly placed his arms around Erin again, hugging her to his body tightly. "I should have mentioned this sooner. I shouldn't have been afraid."

"Jay, we are a team, from now until the end. Don't keep things from me, I'm here for you."

"I love you." Jay whispered, leaning down to kiss her lips.

"I love you too."

Thoughts?

Much Love. x