How had he ended up here, he thought to himself. How had the level-headed, four-time Olympic gold medalist, with all the discipline and determination in the world, fall to the feet of a seventeen year old girl. How did a 30 year old man, end up laying on a couch, in the gym he ran, with one of the girls he coached.
It didn't start with that kiss. It started the day they first met. Knowing only her out of all the others, and calling her out on it. Always paying more attention to her than any of the others. Putting her gymnastics before his health.
And then, she broke her back. She broke her back and it nearly broke him. He should have realized it there. He should have stopped visiting her, he shouldn't have called the doctor to come and fix her. He shouldn't have created that stupid award, he shouldn't have taken those wretched ballet classes with her. So many should have's. So many regrets.
Then she kissed him. Like nothing else mattered. And for a few milliseconds, nothing else did matter. Because for a few milliseconds, he kissed her back. But in the end, it was like nothing had ever happened, because he pushed her away faster than it had began.
He told her all he wanted was a dedication in her book. That wasn't true. He wanted so much more than she could give him. He wanted a wedding, a family, a cottage in Romania. He wanted a life with her. He didn't want to wait around for her to finish college and he didn't want to have to explain everything to her family. He stood up and started pacing around the gym office, overwhelmed with his thoughts.
"Sasha," Payson asked, recognizing the self-hatred and agony in his eyes. "Do you hate me?"
"Payson," He replied. "You know I love you."
"You do," She paused, and tried to get him to make eye contact. "But it's not enough."
He sighed and looked her in the eyes. "No," He stated, "It's not enough."
He turned his back and walked out. He didn't want to hurt her, he really didn't. But maybe he had to look out for himself. Maybe he couldn't be strong around her. Maybe he wasn't the person she needed him to be. And maybe tearing himself apart for her, wasn't worth it.