What Shall We Do With a Drunken Ranger?
By: Calypso
Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR
Summary: When Merry and Pippin talk Estel and Legolas into joining them for a "few drinks" they didn't count on the king of men passing out and the prince of mirkwood being such a fun loving drunk…
Warning: Not my best piece. Litterally written in the middle of the night on a random whim.
What will we do with the drunken ranger?
What will we do with the drunken ranger?
What will we do with the drunken ranger?
Earlye in the morning?
The table top was littered with empty bottles of elven wine, just as the floor around it held yet unopened ones. Around it, sat two hobbits, an elf, and a loudly snoring human who had passed out from over indulging in a drink he had never realized to be as potent as it was.
"What a'e we ta do with 'em?" Asked one of the hobbits, his speech slightly slurred by the large amounts of wine he'd consumed.
"How'm I sup'osed to know Pippin? Ask the 'elf." Was the only thing the other hobbit could think of to say. Across the table said elf smiled in a tipsy fashion.
"The night is deep, we should have some fun." In a way unbefitting the prince of Mirkwood, Legolas stumbled from his seat to where Aragorn sat. With a grace that his currently inebriated state should have forbade, he lifted Aragorn up and slung the man over his shoulder, ignoring the drool that dripped onto his shirt from Aragorn's open mouth as a result. "Follow me."
Shave his goatee with a rusty razor,
Shave his goatee with a rusty razor,
Shave his goatee with a rusty razor,
Earlye in the morning.
"Now… wouldn't he be perttier if 'e were cleanshaven?" Asked Merry of Legolas as they walked side by side.
"I'd never thought of it. Aragorn has always worn his beard so. I can not imagine him without it." As if the question intrigued him deeply, Legolas sunk into thoughts - either that or he had to focus his entire mind on walking straight forward.
Though he hadn't been asked for an opinion, Pippin couldn't refrain from saying, "He'd look terr'ble withou' 'is beard Merry!"
This elicited an angry - if unintelligible response from the other hobbit. The two argued on for a time in a fashion that left Legolas both confused at being unable to follow and annoyed because they continued to argue. "Perhaps there is a better way to settle this. Merry, go get a shaving razor. Pippin - bring a bowl of water." The three of them separated, Merry and pippin to do their assigned tasks and Legolas to deposit Aragorn in his room.
Legolas had barely set Aragorn down before the hobbits arrived as well, one sloshing shaving water and the other holding a rusty razor at a rather precarious angle.
"Isn't that a bit dangerous?" Asked Legolas when Merry began to shave Aragorn. "Using a blade like that?"
" 'course not! Replied the hobbit, "human males do this everyday." Having never shaved before in his life Legolas looked on with horror, barely keeping himself from covering his eyes. "It'll grow back."
Minutes later, Merry was done - and to his chagrin. Next to him, Pippin laughed gleefully. "Told you, he looks terr'ble!" Behind the two, Legolas moved his head from side to side.
"Maybe we can fix it…"
Pull out the make up and powder him all over,
Pull out the make up and powder him all over,
Pull out the make up and powder him all over,
Earlye in the morning.
Legolas' idea on how to 'fix' Estel was an elven concept often applied by women - powder his face. Thus thinking, he and the two hobbits had smuggled Aragorn into Arwen's room. The elf maiden slept peacefully on her bed, and her visitors tried not to wake her as they went through her vanity looking for powder.
"I got it!" Soon came the triumphant whisper shout from Pippin. Grabbing the powder, he dusted a think layer of it onto Estel's face, causing a good deal of it to land on his own body in the process.
When the air cleared enough for the others to see they looked around and wondered where Aragorn had gone. On the chair before them lay an unattractive looking human woman with greasy white hair.
"Is that him?" Before he was even done asking the question, Legolas had already come up with the next step of the evening's diversions.
Put him in a dress and make him wear it,
Put him in a dress and make him wear it,
Put him in a dress and make him wear it,
Earlye in the morning.
"Amin nowe ron n'kelaya belege!" Legolas blushed a deep hue of Crimson as a sleeping Arwen whispered sultry words into his ear. They're finally gone lustful one! He had been reaching over her to grab the green dressing gown on the other side of her bed when she had wrapped her arms firmly around his neck. Legolas said nothing, put pried her arms loose from around him, unable to help remember that the first time they had met as children she'd said ' Llie n'vanima ar' lle atara lanneina.' You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Finally disentangled from her (and off the bed as well) Legolas threw the dressing gown at Merry and Pippin who quickly did their best to dress Estel in it. When they were done, Aragorn looked like a flat chested, broad shouldered, heavily muscled woman squeezed into a dress two sizes too small.
"Now what do we do?" Legolas asked of no one. In reply the Hobbits yawned. "Very well, I suppose it's time we let him get some rest… but I don't want to carry him all the way back to his rooms." Glancing around, he saw the solution.
Put 'im in bed with Lord Elrond's daughter,
Put 'im in bed with Lord Elrond's daughter,
Put 'im in bed with Lord Elrond's daughter,
Earlye in the morning.
"Lle holma ve' edan" Whispered Legolas towards Arwen as he backed out of the room, glad that after 2000 years he was finally able to repay the insult she had thrown at him when they were both so young. Next to him, the two hobbits leaned heavily on each other as they tried not to fall asleep on their feet. Wearily, the three stumbled to their respective beds, already dealing with their oncoming hangovers
Back in Arwen's room, Aragon lay beside Evenstar snoring ungracefully in a womans dressing gown and makeup - which was exactly how the twins found him the next morning.
That's what we do to a drunken ranger,
That's what we do to a drunken ranger,
That's what we do to a drunken ranger,
Earlye in the morning.
AN: Oh come on, it can't be THAT bad…