Title: The Mile High Club
Authors: sofialindsay () & darkbardzero ()
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: JJ/Emily
Disclaimer- As always, if I owned the characters, we'd be watching instead of reading. And God knows, we'd all love to be watching this!!
Rating: NC17 just to be safe.
Summary: Emily's a tad bit high, and JJ's paying the price.
A/N – Okay, this is a completely random spoof fic about Emily on crack. The writers responsible for this are still bickering over the semantics over exactly spurred this on! However…sofialindsays part was the product of her being on a huge sugar high, and being threatened by coworkers to be tied to a chair, which gave her the idea of writing a 'crackfic'. This is where the lines are blurred of who was the most bad influence for this: Darkbardzero then supplied her experience of having a Police Sergeant getting her high on A class drug fumes whilst on work experience with the Police, and how she then blabbed extremely inappropriate things to a room full of Constables for an hour until she came down and puked! This is the result of their insane experiences!
AN2: No characters were harmed in the writing of this fic...although ego's and manhood's were slightly bruised. We mean no offense to anyone...we're just having fun with a high Emily.
" Wow, now that's a side of Emily you don't see everyday."
JJ had to hand it to the younger agent, Reid was only pointing out the obvious: never before had anyone seen Emily Prentiss so carefree and open.
"Tell me about it. Make sure she stays there while I get her some coffee?"
Reid just laughed. "I wouldn't stand a chance against her when she isn't high, never mind when she is. But I'll try."
"Thanks Spence."
--
" JJ, how long is she supposed to be like this?" Hotch asked, walking up next to JJ at the coffeepot.
JJ shrugged. "Hard to say, they just said keep an eye on her until after she comes down."
"You think you could do that?"
"Sure." The blonde replied, trying hard not to smirk.
Somewhere in the background, they heard Emily calling loudly. "MORGAN! C'mere gorgeous!"
"Wow." A frown appeared on the team leader's face.
"Yeah…That can't be good..."
--
"Hey Prentiss. How you feeling?"
Morgan took a seat across from Emily, who was staring at him like he had grown a second head.
"Great! Are you gay?"
Morgan's shock was apparent. "Excuse me?!"
Emily rolled her eyes. "Are you gay? You know, do you like a little guy-on-guy lovin'?"
"No!"
"Now don't get all defensive on me, I'm just askin'." Emily punched Morgan's shoulder like they were buddies watching a football game on Sunday afternoon.
"Why?"
"Well you have this beautiful woman after you and you never do anything about it."
"So ergo I'm gay?" Morgan knew Emily was high, but this was bordering on ridiculous.
"It'd explain a LOT…" Emily replied, blissfully unaware of the rest of the team's attention on their conversation.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hey, there's nothin' wrong with being gay. I mean, look at me…"
JJ's head shot up from the coffeepot as she heard Emily effectively out herself, without a care in the world.
"WHAT?!" Came the collective reply from the rest of the team.
"What? " Emily asked innocently, and more than a little confused.
"Prentiss, maybe you should try and get some sleep? You don't want to tell us all of your secrets tonight and not have anything to tell us tomorrow, do you?" Hotch reasoned, trying desperately to end this madness.
"Me Sir? I'm fine, honestly. How're you?"
Hotch sighed. "Oh Lord. JJ, how's that coffee coming? "
"On it's way." Unless I can find a way to jump out of the plane and survive first.
"Hurry it up, if you can." Hotch sighed in relief as he saw JJ approach with the coffee for Emily.
"I am totally tapping that."
JJ gasped. "Emily! Shut up!"
"Too late, WHAT?!" Morgan asked disbelievingly.
"Oh yeah, we're totally hitting it together. Wow, you're stupid!" Emily boasted.
JJ hid her face in her hands as she felt her face grow hot. "Oh my god…"
"I don't understand…" Came Reid's usual reply to anything of the sexual nature.
"Don't listen to her, she's high." JJ pleaded.
"You're so not getting laid tonight for that!"
"Damnit…no wait, I mean.."
The blonde's jaw dropped as she tried to retract her statement, after all, Emily had all this extra energy and there were a few things she had wanted to try with her lover, but didn't quite know how to tell her. What better time to suggest it when the brunette was high?
"SEE! Told ya!" Emily proudly proclaimed.
"Oh my god!" The normally talkative Morgan was seeing his two coworkers in a whole new light…a light that would probably get him killed by the brunette come morning.
"She's good too…"
"EMILY!"
"What? You are!"
"They so don't need to know that." JJ scolded, once again reminding herself this was one of the reasons she would never have kids; they didn't know when to stay out of things, when to stay quiet and why should she have a child, when she had Emily?
"Oh don't be such a prude; we're all friends here!" Emily began, before turning back to the group. "She does this one thing somehow where she manages to get out of the handcuffs and have her way with me every single time I put the damn things on her! Watch!"
Emily moved towards JJ, seemingly pulling her handcuffs out from nowhere, with a devilish smirk on her face. Moving in for a kiss, she was stunned to find her lover was not receptive to her idea of foreplay.
"Emily, baby, please shut up and get off me! "
"I'll be taking those…" Hotch snatched the item out of Emily's hand just before it was fastened around a thin wrist.
"But it's true. " Emily pouted. "You always have me screaming and…."
Once again Hotch came to JJ's rescue, "Here Emily, have some more coffee and a donut."
"Oooh! Okay!"
The blonde shook her head. "Thank God. Finally there's silence. "
"Oooh, Hotch…"
JJ sank back in the seat, defeated. "Too good to be true."
"Why'd you look so damn serious all the time? I mean, geez, crack a smile once in a while would ya? You're too cute to frown for your whole damn life…"
Hotch frowned. "Prentiss I think that's…"
"You know, if I wasn't with JJ, I'd so totally go for you!"
Suddenly interested, Hotch leaned forward. "Really?"
"HEY!" JJ slapped the brunette across the stomach playfully and glared at Hotch.
"Ow, what? I would! Unless he's gay…hey Morgan…"
"NO!" JJ, Morgan and Hotch replied collectively.
"Whoa…okay then!" Emily held up her hands
"Prentiss, there's a lot of 'gay' things on this plane, are you fixated or something?" Rossi asked, finally breaking his silence.
"Oh, crap…I forgot you were a damn Catholic…" Emily's rant was cut short by JJ's hand placed over her mouth.
"Em, let's not start bitching about people's religions okay?"
JJ sent an apologetic look Rossi's way, but he seemed to be finding this side of Emily as amusing as everyone else. Thinking it was safe, she took her hand away and instead rested it on Emily's arm.
"Why can't I bitch about them? They bitch about me. And about you. And about what I like to do to you…"
The hand found it's way to the brunette's mouth again, and JJ rolled her eyes as she felt Emily's tongue tracing her palm.
"Move on! And stop licking me! You're not a dog!"
"But that's not what you say every other time I do it," Emily started, then stopped when she saw JJ's look.
"Fine… ''
She grumbled, although still looking Rossi's way as her glare subsided to a wide-eyed look as she suddenly thought of something else.
''ME fixated? Oh no, Sir. What about you and those pens, anyway? You take anal retentive to the extreme. Did someone have potty issues, cause ya know what Freud said…!''
The last part came out in a rather sickly sweet patronizing way, followed up by a little sing song tone that made JJ instantly cringe as she saw Rossi's jaw clench tightly.
''Oh dear god Emily, just start talking about sex again!''
The blonde begged, sinking further down and into her seat, wishing it would just swallow her up right here and now. She started as Emily jumped around in her seat again, facing forward and pointing at the young man in front of her animatedly.
''Oooh, that reminds me. Are you a virgin Reid?''
The smacked out Agent demanded chirpily, a maniacal expression covering her features. Reid gaped at her, flustered and deeply reddened by the extremely personal question.
''WHAT?''
Emily wagged a hand at him through the air, frowning ever so slightly as though she were slightly perturbed that he had not understood the question she had posed.
''Simple question grasshopper. But I mean…you went on a date with JJ and you're still a virgin? Our first date, we barely made it out of my car and into my house before she was all over me.''
Sticking her thumb JJ's way to point at her, which was quickly shoved back down to her knee by the woman in subject, Emily whispered loudly as though she were conspiring with Reid. Only everyone heard her!
''I am NOT a virgin!''
The young wonder boy insisted, completely ignoring her last remark and feeling the need to defend himself and his manhood instead. Emily whirled around, turning onto the highly embarrassed blonde beside her now, who was still sank low in her seat and looked up at her with an almost fearful look of what could possibly else be said.
''So you DID sleep with him?''
Emily accused with an evil, huffy glare. JJ just right on glared back at her, going somewhat green around the gills at the thought of sleeping with Spencer Reid.
''HELL NO!''
Emily dipped her head, frowning in confusion.
''Really? You?! The one that got us thrown out the movie theater within a half hour 'cause you were on your knees with your head between my legs?''
Before JJ could ask if there was a parachute she could use to bail on this whole situation given that her dignity had just sailed on out the window, the four male members of their team spluttered collectively on their coffees, sending splatters of it all over.
''INCOMING!!''
All too quickly, the deranged brunette yanked JJ from her seat and onto the floor of the plane, landing on top of her heftily in order to 'save' her from the flying coffee. Immediately though, Emily used it as an excuse to cop a good feel.
''Hey! Look who's talking grabby hands!''
JJ admonished, clearly unimpressed. She pushed Emily off of her, and slid back onto her chair silently in hopes that nothing else would happen. Her eyes closed as she rested her head between her fingers, hearing Emily grunt happily as she sat back down beside her again.
''Can we move on, please? I'm actually scared.''
Morgan pleaded, not knowing what the hell to do with this particularly delightful and colourful experience from a very high Emily Prentiss. There was such a thing as too much information, even when it related to hot women.
''Back to the handcuffs and stuff. JJ, how is that even possible with two women?''
Reid frowned slightly, the inner cogs of his mind obviously trying to conjure up this image so that he could understand. JJ felt herself drop another shade of red.
''Reid…I…we…she…ask Morgan!''
The blonde squeaked, flustered and uneasy at the thought of describing what lesbian sex was like to Reid. He was like her baby brother, for crying out loud. It was also not her idea of fun to have her sex life aired in front of her team, nor to be questioned about it or her abilities.
''I don't even think I know how that's possible…''
Morgan scoffed, raising his eyebrows. This earned a happy squeak from Emily, who grinned like the Cheshire cat!
''Told ya she's good! And the way she does this thing with her tongue when she kisses….''
Keen on having this demonstrated, Emily turned to her lover and started to lean in, only to have JJ's hand clamped on her face in order to keep her at arms length. She blinked through the gaps in the blondes fingers, not affronted in the least bit.
''I think I need some tips. And a cold shower.''
JJ looked at Morgan, shaking her head immediately.
''We're not giving you tips Morgan!''
''You can't have her, she's mine!''
Emily swiftly followed up, sulking at him as she leaned in closer to JJ. Morgan raised his hands to simmer the offended women.
''Okay! I don't want her, Emily! No offense JJ.''
JJ just shrugged, clearly not giving a crap whether Morgan wanted her or not. She was just glad he wasn't going to press her for sex tips. Squealing, Emily threw her hand up in the air, gaining everyone's attention once again. This couldn't be good.
''There's other stuff, besides the sex stuff. She makes pancakes and puts a smiley face on them with strawberries and whipped cream…ooooh and occasionally, she likes licking the whipped cream off my…
''Let's not go there!''
JJ cringed, holding up her hand to hopefully stop Emily from blabbing exactly what it was she liked to do with whipped cream. The brunette simply scoffed, looking at the bewildered and stunned men.
''God for a bunch of profilers I can't believe you didn't notice! Don't you know love when you see it?''
She demanded, with a 'duh' tone running through her voice.
''Love? I thought we were talking about sex?''
Morgan asked, completely perplexed at how much Emily was jumping around. Reid cleared his throat as he shuffled in his seat, and from the intake of breath, everyone knew it was going to say something pompous and long winded.
''Psychology depicts love as a cognitive and social phenomenon. Psychologist Robert Sternberg formulated a triangular theory of love and argued that love has three different components: intimacy, commitment, and passion. Intimacy is a form by which two people….''
Seeing that this could go on for a very long time, Reid was given three sets of glares from Morgan, Emily and JJ.
''Shut up Reid!''
They barked as one. Emily rolled her eyes at him, scoffing as she shook her head.
''Yeah it's an emotion doofus.''
She simplified, before swinging her gaze back onto Morgan.
''Maybe you'd feel it if you didn't cat around so much and stick your…''
JJ widened her eyes, alarmed at what she knew was coming.
''Baby lets not finish that sentence!''
She insisted loudly, so very beyond interested in where Morgan stuck his decidedly manly parts where. The thought of it alone made her almost gag.
''Awww...I like it when you call me that. I like it even better when you scream it though…''
Emily drawled sweetly, evidently touched by her pet name and cooing JJ's way, pawing at her hair. The blonde just rolled her eyes.
''I know you do.''
Emily's face turned from sweet to sour quickly, as her dopey brown eyes looked uncertain as she put a hand on her stomach. Was she on a plane, or a boat?
''JJ?''
She asked quietly, almost needy. It made JJ looked at her properly, anyway.
''Yeah?''
Emily looked up at her again, grimacing as her face paled.
''I think I'm gunna throw up…''
JJ wondered if it was wrong to actually prefer helping Emily to throw up than sit here and go through this public humiliation. Either way, she stood up and held her hand out to her sickly looking lover. Seemingly enough, the high was over.
''Oakie dokie, here we go, come on.''
Emily followed JJ obediently, letting herself be lead by the hand and out of the main body of the plane to the little cabin toilet. Immediately, there were three sighs of relief and one groan of frustration.
''Really…just how is that possible?!''
By the time the jet landed back at Quantico, Emily was dead to the world. From the moment she inhaled the cocaine dust to the moment she threw her guts up into the toilet, she had taken on what could only be described as a giddy, childlike honesty where every thought that entered her head came out completely unfiltered. Along the way of course, she had completely embarrassed everyone, especially one particular blonde.
Rossi had practically run from the jet, followed swiftly by Reid. Hotch and Morgan had waited with a sleeping Emily inside as JJ collected her car, bringing it close enough on the tarmac so that Morgan could carry her out and get her inside. No one had looked one another in the eye, and then they had parted ways. JJ had only just been able to manage floppy Emily into her house.
Morning rolled around quickly, and Emily had barely stirred through the night, completely dead to the world. Now though, as JJ sat sideways on her side of the bed, cross-legged and holding a cup of coffee and staring at the brunette, she could see signs of her waking up.
''Oh god…''
Frowning, or cringing, Emily wondered just why her head felt like a woodpecker had attacked it violently, and why her mouth felt as dry as sawdust.
''Hey, how you feeling?''
Cracking open an eye, Emily looked up at her curious girlfriend, suddenly realizing that she was in JJ's bedroom. But, hadn't they been in Texas? She was definitely confused.
''Like I got hit in the head by a line backer. What the hell happened?''
She squeaked a little breathlessly, rubbing her forehead, as she just remained still, her body unwilling to move out of its position.
''You got high!''
JJ replied with a cross between a scoff and a chuckle. Emily looked at her again sharply.
''I what?''
''You breathed in some sort of crack dust, a LOT of it.''
JJ shrugged, flipping her hand in the air as to graze over the exact details of how Emily had come to inhale so much of the drug dust. It was slightly amusing to see the brunette blanch in panic.
''Crack? As in cocaine? Oh my god…''
Rolling her eyes, the blonde held up her hand and smirked softly.
''Relax; you're going to be fine.''
Emily sighed, relaxing like JJ told her to, trusting her at her word. She frowned slightly, trying to fill in the gap between Texas and now. She came up blank!
'''Kay. Wow. Did I do anything stupid?''
At that, JJ did scoff, raising her eyebrows high.
''You mean besides out us to the whole team and giving them a blow-by-blow description of our sex life? No!''
She deadpanned, flailing a finger in the air to punctuate her answer. Emily gaped at her, frowning in disbelief and horror. That so was not her. She wouldn't do that; she never did anything like that. Secrets were her thing. She wouldn't be so reckless.
''I did not!''
She denied huffily, pulling the covers up higher and clinging onto them like it made any kind of difference. But JJ fixed her with that gaze, and she knew that she had.
''Yes, yes you did.''
''Why didn't you shut me up?''
JJ chuckled through gritted teeth, looking off into the distance as she nodded, grimacing through the smile. If Emily hadn't have been so damn fragile, she would've hit her. What kind of question was that, anyway? Like she'd just let her prattle on about something like that!
''Oh I tried, believe me. I don't think I can look anyone in the eye for a good long while anymore, considering they know exactly what some of your favourite things we do in bed now. And how much you like my body, the way I kiss you, how I sound in 'euphoria' and my little predilections for cuffs, whipped cream and fruit.''
She informed, looking at Emily again who looked downright horrified at herself. That's when she felt herself take pity on the other woman. She supposed she couldn't actually be outright angry with her. After all, she was high. Never in a million years would it have happened anyway.
''I really said all that?''
Emily replied impishly. JJ nodded, smirking properly this time, figuring that she had to at least take some amusement out of it. Like Reid's face.
''And so much more! Reid's head almost exploded.''
''I am so, so sorry!''
Emily looked up at her with those puppy dog eyes, and for once, JJ didn't break down to them. She was the one that had to remember what happened on that plane. It was her that Emily had happily babbled on about, and her that would be avoiding the four men as much as she could around work for a good long while. Plus they had to eventually deal with the fallout. She was hoping that perhaps Emily had embarrassed everyone enough for them not to mention anything about it ever again, continuing like they were clueless to their relationship. Still, she wasn't about to let Emily off the hook for it. And she had a feeling that she was going to enjoy the payback.
''Oh no, there's no way you get out of it that easily. You are in my debt, big-time!''