A/N: This story was written for my new friend southrnbygrace and was actually her idea. As writing is not so much her thing, she asked if I would take her song-inspired fic idea and run with it, which I did! The song in question was I Should Go by Levi Kreis, and after listening to it at least a dozen times during the writing process, I kinda love it now. So, here we have a good old angsty E/P piece, which both myself and southrnbygrace hope you enjoy ;-)
Disclaimer: All recognisable characters belong to John Rogers, Chris Downey, Dean Devlin, TNT, and other important people that aren't me.
I Should Go
It wasn't the first time he thought about leaving. Three drinks in, it always seemed like a good idea. More than once, Eliot Spencer had come his far, packed his bag and started planning how to say goodbye, but by the harsh light of day he always knew better, realised there was no way he could just up and leave like that. This time maybe it was different, because with his hold-all to the left and a half-empty whiskey bottle to the right, he still felt pretty serious about heading out the door and never turning back, no matter how many memories hit him right between the eyes and tried to make him change his mind.
When Nathan Ford's team had first been put together, it turned into a multi-million pay-out with his name on it waiting in Chicago, and Eliot had gone willingly into a the job. It ought to have been a one time only deal, a walk away, and yet they had come back. First the regroup in the windy city itself, then another in LA, and finally in Boston. Every time the group of thieves turned their backs on each other it never did prove to be the last, and every reunion pulled the family tighter together.
These days, there was no way to deny they were definitely a family. Eliot knew that Hardison would always be his brother, and despite the age gap not technically being wide enough, Sophie and Nate were as good a Momma and a Daddy as he could have, given the person he had become. That left just one person to make up the family unit, but forcing her into the role of little sister just hadn't worked quite as easy as it should've. Sure, they bickered and fought like siblings might, it ought to have worked out, but there were times when they looked at each other, and it wasn't a baby sister Eliot saw.
There were not words to describe Parker. Sometimes he thought maybe a whole new dictionary might have to be written just for her, she was so different to anyone else he ever knew. Maybe that was the appeal, maybe that was why they connected, because he was different too. Perhaps not as obviously as Parker, but they were both 'wrong' in their own ways, both broken and lost. Both clinging to this family because it was all they had, despite the fact they made a fuss about not needing anyone but themselves.
Eliot was sure he had to be as crazy as he often told Parker she was herself, but the more time he spent with her, the more he knew he needed to get out, and the less he felt able to do so.
She was the one amongst the team he never expected to get along with, and yet at this point he counted her as the one amongst four he liked best to be paired with on jobs, or to talk to when there was time to just chill. She said some real creepy stuff sometimes, no denying that, but other times she proved how smart she was, and hell, at least she was honest about things - Eliot was all for that.
For the longest time, he'd figured she and Hardison would hook up, and at first he almost wanted them too. It would have got them both out of his hair a while and they might've made each other happy, but time wore on and the hacker never actually made his move. If he had, chances were good Parker would've been oblivious anyway, or so Eliot had thought until more recently.
As his own feelings changed, he started to wonder if Parker's had too. Eliot told himself he was being a fool on both counts. Falling for a woman like her, falling for any woman right now would end so badly, and expecting her to feel the same was pointless and dangerous. The problem was, there were times when they were talking, or out on a job waiting to be needed as back-up or something, and they'd just look at each other. There was this gleam in her eyes that was impossible for Eliot to ignore, though he told himself either he was imagining it or it wasn't meant for him. When she smiled that perfect smile, she wasn't thinking of him, she didn't mean for Eliot to believe it was just especially for his pleasure, so he told himself, whether it was right or not.
Of course, he could think of all manner of reasons to believe otherwise, to think he wasn't the only one feeling what he was feeling. Staring at the dregs left in his glass, Eliot thought on pouring another but soon changed his mind. Sober was better for thinking, and it was all he seemed to be doing tonight. With such serious decisions to be made in his life, now wasn't the time to be drunk off his ass, though it appealed when he let his mind wander too far into this kind of territory. Eliot leant back into the couch cushions and pushed his hair back off his face. He'd shared this space with Parker a hundred times one way or another, the only one who had been in his apartment so often. More than once she'd fallen asleep here watching a movie on the TV only she knew he possessed, simply because he'd lied to the team about it. With his eyes closed he could almost imagine she was there right now.
Parker wasn't one for touching and Sophie made a big deal out of the fact human contact scared the little thief so much. Nights alone with a bottle of booze led to Eliot thinking on that a lot, thinking how he hadn't noticed her fear of contact because she had never been that way with him. One of their earliest jobs, she had leapt into his arms from a first floor window, just trusting him to be there to catch her. After her stint at the rehab place, it had been his arms she ran into on her reunion with the team. He never once saw her flinch when he tapped her on the shoulder, or grabbed her by the arm. She had to trust him, given that every other man he'd seen get close to her was fork-stabbed or similar.
The first night she showed up at his house proved it once and for all. Eliot smiled as he recalled wandering into the living room and thinking it was strange the window was so wide open. He nearly had a heart-attack right there and then when he turned around from closing it and found Parker stood behind him. Something was bothering her and he knew it. Though she wasn't crying, it was clear she had been and it could only be that her mind was still stuck on what that evil psychic had said about her brother. Eliot never asked her for an explanation on that, just how she'd found out where he lived and why she'd felt the need to come to him above everybody else. Neither question got a reasonable and sane answer, but then that was Parker, and he really hadn't expected her to say anything that wasn't crazy anyway.
That was the first of their movie nights that had since become a semi-regular occurrence that nobody but them knew about. Eliot remembered it so clearly, how she curled up at the opposite end of the couch like a cat, smiling and frowning alternately at the TV as the plot unravelled before her eyes. She was the sweetest person sometimes, when she wasn't pushing people off buildings or laughing at their pain. Eliot chuckled to himself at that, at the contradiction of this woman and how he had come to love every strange facet of her character and personality. He recalled every detail of her, of their strange lives that had become intertwined and the laughter in his throat became strained at the memories.
Picture after picture, frame after frame, spun through his mind, making a liar of the other voice in his head who would tell him to let this go, to not allow himself to feel these things because she didn't care, she couldn't, and he shouldn't. There was no way Parker was wasting her time sat alone, wondering on what he was doing, how he was feeling. She was too good for him, a little crazy but always a good person. She didn't hurt people, not like he did, like he always had. This was why he had to leave, before he did something dumb like tell her how he felt, like allow himself to make some kind of move. She wouldn't understand and she'd probably hate him for screwing up this odd little friendship that had evolved between them, but as time wore on and the situation got more complex, the more it hurt the hitter to keep his distance.
It had gotten worse, and honestly, Eliot wasn't sure why. Maybe he was just running out of ways to hold onto his resolve. Maybe this thing, this massive ball of feelings he'd been pushing deep down inside too long was finally too big to be supressed anymore. Every job, every meeting, every time he was within ten feet of Parker, he seemed to notice one more thing about her he could love. A catalogue of her best features laid out in his mind, taunting and torturing him, because he knew that this odd friendship that existed between them was all he should ever want, all he could ever hope to have.
Guys like him weren't built for relationships, not real ones that ended with marriage, and kids, and happily ever afters. Nobody's life was a fairytale, but his was just about as far removed from one as it was possible to get. Parker still had a chance, a slim one, maybe, but she might yet find her Prince Charming, a man that could deserve her and treat her right. Give her all the things she'd been missing out on for too long. Eliot couldn't see himself being that guy, though a large part of him ached to try.
This wasn't new territory in one sense. Eliot had been in love before, just once but that was all it took. He and Aimee, they were so close, could've been so happy and perfect for each other, at least that was what everybody said. The idea of being tied down, in spite of how much he loved her, it had made him bolt, and by the time he thought maybe he could go back and make things right, it was all too late.
That time, running seemed like a mistake, and yet looking back now he knew he'd done the right thing. If he's stayed, they would've ended up resenting each other, maybe hating each other. Knowing she was out there still caring about him in some way was less painful somehow, however selfish that might seem. Besides, if Eliot hadn't left Aimee when he had, he wouldn't be here now, wouldn't have met Parker... but then that might just have simpled a few things up too.
None of this was helping with the here and now, and memories fogging up Eliot's head that was recalling things too easily soon had him reaching for the Jack on the coffee table. Damn the glass by now, he just put the bottle to his lips and drank. The alcohol burnt his throat, red hot and angry, but had little to no effect on the thoughts in his head and the itch in his muscles. He still wanted to go, he thought it was right and better for everybody, but actually doing it was a very different thing to knowing he should.
If he left, he wondered, would it really be for her benefit or just for his own? Would Parker miss him if he walked out the door, leaving no clue behind as to where he had gone? Picturing her in his minds eyes, she appeared there with tear tracks on her face and a sadness in her eyes that tore Eliot apart from the inside. He hated when she cried, hated it more than anything else in the world, even more than he hated Sterling! It didn't happen often, thank God, but when it did, he just wanted to be the one to make it better, to fix everything, to hold her until the tears went away and she found her smile again.
It never happened. Sophie was the comforter, the one to make everything okay. Eliot didn't do touchy-feely. When he extended a hand to anyone it was curled in a fist and meant to wound. Comfort came from a hundred others sources but never from him, mostly because he wouldn't know where to began, what to do or say, even though he'd love to try. Risking making a fool of himself in front of the team was never quite worth it, but then when Parker needed someone and the two of them were alone, it was then he found ways to help her, and it nearly killed him too.
Turning up on his doorstep, or rather on his window sill, he never expected that. The first time was a suprise, but when she kept on coming back that was perhaps the bigger shock. They really didn't talk about what might've upset her or caused her to feel the need to not be alone on any given night. Eliot would cook if she was hungry, which she always was, and then sit in comfortable silence watching a movie or reading. Sometimes they even talked about old cons, reminisced on ones they'd pulled with the team or told each other about jobs that had gone before, years back when a team they could both belong to seemed ludicrous.
The things that made her laugh, Eliot rarely saw it coming. She seemed to find the oddest things amusing, to the point where it started to seem more weird if she laughed at normal funny moments. She had a beautiful laugh, caught somewhere between an innocent kid and a slightly psychotic crazy person, which was the oddest mix, Eliot realised when he thought on it, but then that was Parker, perfect just because she wasn't.
Of course there was no denying she was built perfectly on the outside, even if she was mixed up within. It wasn't like any man could miss the fact she was beautiful, or that an entirely hot womanly figure lived beneath the clothes she had no problems stripping off at a moments notice if required. In the middle of a con, outfit changes came up semi-regularly, and there was just no sense of propriety where Parker was concerned. The guys, not just Eliot but all of them, were gentlemen enough to turn away when it happened, but it wasn't easy. Besides, her figure was obvious enough whether she was in black ops or some sexy litle number for a grift, and it made Eliot wonder too much on what else Parker was capable of when he watched her executing perfect flips and dives, squeezing herself into the twists and turns of air-vents... but letting his mind head in that direction just made him feel dirty somehow.
Parker was an innocent. Sure, she was a thief and a damn good one, but most of the time it was almost as if she didn't know what she did was wrong. Like a child doesn't realise the error of their ways until a parent teaches them, she had never learnt and therefore held onto a kind of purity the rest of them could never hope to find.
Eliot's own innocence was lost long ago, another reason he could never be deserving of a woman like her, he told himself bitterly, as he drank down a little more whiskey and cursed the fact the bottle was close to running dry. There was another somewhere, he was sure of it, but getting up to go and look seemed like too much effort. His eyes were falling closed, perhaps because sleep was coming, more likely because his brain was just over-loading with the pressure of thinking harder and longer than he had in a good long while on a pointless merry-go-round that he never did find a safe route off.
So many times he'd fallen asleep on this couch, more than once in the past few weeks and months with Parker close by. Just this past week she had appeared at the window, and once again they had ended up sat here together watching a movie. Of all things she liked to watch, her favourites was heist movies, not for ideas because she had plenty of her own, but to pick apart the actors plans and laugh at their rookie mistakes. Eliot just listened, making vague noises of agreement as she pointed and giggled at every flaw in the so-called thieves dastardly schemes that were often ludicrous and not at all how any decent con would ever go down.
This particular day, barely a week ago, had been one of the times when Parker had brought one of these movies with her, and yet thirty minutes in had not remarked on or laughed at one single mistake, despite the fact Eliot had spotted a dozen without even trying. Glancing across at her, he asked if she was okay, sure she wasn't since she seemed to be gazing unseeing through the TV screen. No verbal answer came, she just shook her head in such a way that it wasn't clear if she meant yes or no, then suddenly she was right next to him, her head on his shoulder, and Eliot had nowhere for his arm to go but around her body, holding her close.
For a minute, he actually thought she was trying to make a kind of move on him, as her own arm lay across his chest and she curled into his side, but he soon knew he was wrong. There was no kissing, no touching that could be misconstrued as sexual. She was after comfort, the evidence backed up by a soft murmur of words that made Eliot wince.
'I'm always safe here' she had said, not knowing how much it hurt the man she seemed to have dubbed her security blanket and nothing more.
With her face towards the TV and her head on his shoulder, Parker had no idea that Eliot's eyes were closed as he breathed through the pain she never meant to cause, that in some ways was worse than any physical injury he'd ever received. This was all she ever wanted from him, just someone to hold her when she got scared, a big brother figure she could turn to in a crisis. There was no other idea in her mind when she came here, Eliot was sure of it in that moment, and resigned himself to that fact.
'Always safe with me, darlin'' he had promised her faithfully, in a whisper of a voice that he hardly recognised as his own.
There was no way in hell he could push his luck with her now, no way he could ever be anything but exactly what she needed. Her happiness meant a whole lot more than his own right now, and if she wanted a brother then he'd have to do his best to behave that way towards her, no matter how difficult that got. Eliot made that decision and tried his best to stick with it.
Seven days later and he was thinking of running again, and yet he could still say he was trying to keep that promise he made just a week ago. If he stayed he was in very great danger of losing control, of telling her the truth and ruining everything. He wanted her to believe he was her safety net and a good person. At least if he left she might forgive him, much like Aimee had. If he stayed, he could see only hate replacing what they had right now, and that was something he simply could not bear.
Putting the almost empty bottle of whiskey down on the table, Eliot pushed both hands back through his hair and told himself this was for the best. He had to go before this situation got worse, no changing his mind this time, it ended here and now. Parker would be fine, Sophie and Nate and Hardison would see to that. She'd get over the fact he had to go, hopefully forgive him, and maybe one day when he'd found a way to deal with what he felt he could come back... maybe.
Standing up with determination and very little evidence of all the alcohol he'd consumed, Eliot took one last look around the place he'd called home too long, then turned to reach for his bag where it sat on the end of the couch. He reacted with some surprise when he realised the window he had a habit of leaving partially open now had a person stood in front of it. It was her own personal door, he would usually expect for her make use of it, but in his present state of mind she had caught him in one of those rare moments when he wasn't so much on guard.
"Parker" he said, peering at her across the darkness.
"Geez, why is it so dark in here" she complained, going straight for the light switch, "Seriously, it's not like you can't afford the electricity bill" she rolled her eyes, oblivious to the fact Eliot was still stood in the same spot, staring at her like he didn't know what else to do - the truth was he really didn't, "You okay?" she asked, with a slight frown when she turned back and caught him gazing.
"Yeah" he said, a vague muttering she barely heard as he made a grab for the empty Jack bottle and turned towards the kitchen, "You hungry?" he asked as he passed by her, barely glancing her way.
"Always" she said grinning, and he knew it without looking at all, "I got that bank-heist-gone-wrong movie we talked about" she continued after he was gone from her sight, "Gotta bet it's gonna be hilarious!" she chuckled as she moved around and sat herself down in front of the DVD player, opening the box of her movie.
Parker had no idea that though Eliot was hearing her, he wasn't entirely listening. Braced against the counter top, staring into the sink, he wondered how he'd come to this point, if fate was conspiring against him or was just trying to show him his choice had been the wrong one. He could ask Parker to go, he could tell her the truth about his leaving town tonight, but it seemed unlikely he would somehow...
"Eliot?" she called then, "What's with the bag?" she asked, now sat on the couch beside the hold-all she spoke of.
In a second the hitter was there behind her, swinging the bag up out of her grasp before she had a chance to be too nosey.
"Laundry" he lied, not the only one he ever told her, though he hated every single one, "Back in a sec" he said with a fake smile that he hoped she wouldn't analyse as he took the bag away and dumped it in his bedroom.
Within ten minutes he was sat on the couch with Parker curled up close, just a bowl of popcorn separating them. Before the night was out, Eliot knew she'd have her head on his shoulder and most likely fall asleep that way, leaving him in a position of sweet torture one more time.
Yes, he should go, be the better person here and all, leave Parker to live her life without him, but it was never going to happen. That wouldn't stop Eliot starting this fight with himself all over again in the not too distant future, but that was his cross to bear, not hers.
The End