Disclaimer: For the first time in my life, I don't have a witty disclaimer—oh, wait, yes I do! :P
A/N: Because the Stabbington Brothers are insanely hot and Flynn Rider is an annoying little twit -.- (no offense to all of you rabid fangirls…and boys… o.O)
A/N.2: Oh, and this was written for fun. Don't take it too seriously. Really. Don't.
Sexy Beasts Don't Die
A Tangled ONESHOT
If there's one thing Mama Stabbington taught her boys before she snuffed it, it was to never go down without a fight, never let anyone walk all over them, and if push came to shove, her boys better be the ones shoving. She believed the best way to build a life for yourself was to take all matters into your own two hands. If Flynn-frikkin-Rider expected the two of them to come quietly, he was an idiot, because they were going to do anything but.
He was sitting there now, Flynn was, with that stupid smirk on his face as he watched the two brothers being led by the guards to the gallows they'd soon be swinging from. He was dressed like a royal and pompous prat, and was flashing anyone who looked at him with a dazzling ten hundred watt smile that was effectively frying out the eyes of the adoring court ladies. The brother with the eye patch felt a sneer of his own form on his face as he glanced at his twin, who nodded once in silent reply.
The executioner waited impatiently at the ready as one of the royals read off the long list of crimes the brothers had committed against Corona, listing all sorts of despicable thievery they had been involved with. The funny thing about it all was that Rider had done half of those things with them, and yet he was being treated like a king.
"In repercussion for the crimes in which these two men have committed against the Royal Family they shall be hanged until death claims them."
Their shackles clanking, the two brothers were lead up onto the platform, and the nooses were fitted around their thick and muscular necks. One brother looked at the other, who in turn smirked again at Flynn, who now watched the proceedings with unabashed anticipation.
(Now, this is the part where normally a big fat 'THE END' would probably appear, to spare small children the horror of watching the dark stuff, or the disgustingly cheesy monologue would start up about how the good guy gets the girl and they live 'happily ever after', BLARTY, BLARTY, BLARTY, BLAR.
But why just toss away two ridiculously sexy villains? Just so Flynn Rider can get his cliché and completely predictable happy ending? I THINK NOT!)
It happened before anyone had the chance to blink. The lever was pulled and the floor fell out from beneath the two brothers, but instead of hearing the pleasantly loud snap of two necks breaking, and instead of watching two bodies merrily swing about doing the twisted and vomit-inducing gallows jig, two flashes of silver streaked through the air above the restless crowd, slicing cleanly through the suspended ropes. The twins fell to the ground safely, their hands still bound, and the guards began to move just as Logan (first name to pop into my mind—the twin with the sideburns!) jumped towards the wooden beams of the gallows, where the two daggers still lay imbedded, quivering from their violent impact. Since his hands were useless at the moment, he ripped the knife out of the beam by the handle with his teeth, and beckoned Viktor (twin number two—EYE PATCH DUDE!) over to him with a sharp jerk of his head.
"Quickly!" Viktor hissed as Logan struggled to cut through his bonds with the knife still held dangerously in his teeth.
"I'm hurrying!" he hissed back, though it came out sort of like, "Em bermying", and trying to talk with a lethal weapon in his mouth caused it to slip and he accidentally stabbed his brother's hand, which in turn caused Viktor to curse quite rudely.
"Stop them!" Rider was yelling to the guards, as if they weren't already charging at the twins with their swords in hand.
"Got it!" Logan said as the knife cut through his brother's ropes. Viktor took the dagger from his brother and quickly drew back his arm. "No, no—we need that!" Logan roared as his brother expertly threw the knife at an oncoming guard and struck him in the side of the neck with a satisfying thwack!
"No," Viktor corrected, stealing the guard's sword, "we need this!" And with that excellent display of badassery over and done with, the one-eyed twin proceeded to the act of confronting a team of six guards singlehandedly.
"Dramatic douche," Logan hissed, his hands still bound as he backed away from the fight that Viktor appeared to be easily winning. He looked around for something sharp he could hopefully use to free himself, but instead found himself being charged by the bloodthirsty executioner, who was now wielding a bloodstained battle axe. "Whoa!" Logan ducked just in time, and felt the axe pass right overhead. "I thought you only hung people!"
"This—is—my—plan—B!" the executioner roared, swiping at Logan's head with each word. It was a very effective way of getting his point across. As the sharp blade came streaking down towards him again, Logan spun on the spot and brought his bound hands up, quickly calculating the exact positions of his hands and the axe. It sliced cleanly through the ropes, and now that his hands were free, Logan drew back his fist and decked the executioner.
"Where did you get an axe?" Viktor yelled as Logan joined the fight between him and the guards.
"Who the hell cares? What's the plan?"
"It involves not dying—I know that much!"
"I like that plan!"
A would-be charming laugh suddenly reached their ears, momentarily distracting the two brothers from their fight (but luckily they were now down to only one guard, who—when he saw that Flynn was there to 'save the day'—dropped his sword and scampered off across the courtyard to safety).
"What are you laughing at, arsehead?" Viktor snarled, glaring at Flynn who took his sweet time to walk across the courtyard toward them, swinging his sword in his hand all nonchalantly.
"You think you can escape? You won't make it past the front gate before more guards stop you," Flynn said with that stupidly consoling grin of his. "Come on now, I'll offer you both a deal—cause, heh, I can do that. Since, you know, I'm a prince now and all."
"The only prince you are is prince of the stupids!" Logan snapped. He would have thrown something at the little twit, but he decided that was pushing it, since his comment had been embarrassingly juvenile, if not correct.
"Alright, I understand the two of you are upset," said Flynn, laughing again as if they were all just grand pals that were having some sort of pointless quarrel over what kind of chips to serve at a social gathering, "what with me stealing the crown from you and then scoring the girl, and then chucking you in jail, and then trying to hang you and all…but can't we just start…anew? Because I'm a prince now! Did I mention I partially own this castle? I've always wanted my own castle…" he trailed off dreamily.
"I say we just kill him," Logan whispered to Viktor as Flynn reminisced for a conveniently long time. "I'll disarm him, and you impale him!"
"No, we'd be doing a kindness to the world if we killed him," Viktor pointed out. "And we don't do kindness, remember?"
"Yeah, but we do revenge," Logan reminded him.
"True, very true…"
Flynn suddenly started as if he had remembered they were there. "Anyway," he said with another Flynn-ish grin, "how about we negotiate, eh, boys? Now, I can either keep you in a jail for a little bit longer—say, about ten more years? Is that fair?—or I can charge you a small fee—maybe two, maybe three…"
"Hundred? Thousand? What?" Logan demanded.
"Maybe five," Flynn said, nodding to himself thoughtfully.
"Oh, for Ed's sake!" Viktor groaned, lifting his sword. "Let's just kill him, then!"
"Whoa, now you just hold on there!" said Flynn, throwing up a condescending hand all regally like. "Fine, no jail, no money. How about I pay you to leave peacefully? Heh, can't have you messing up this face, now can I? Wouldn't look good on a king, heh, now would it? Not that you could hurt this face—I'm a skilled swordsman, after all. The best, in fact, if I do so say myself—"
For the second time in as many minutes, Logan drew back his fist and decked Flynn, too, just like he did with the executioner.
"Why didn't we just do that from the beginning?" Viktor asked his brother incredulously.
"To hell if I know," Logan growled irritably, kicking Flynn's unconscious body out of the way. "Here," he said, bending down to rip off the helmet of a decommissioned guard. He tossed it to Viktor, who caught it and jammed it onto his head. "Let's get out of here."
E/N: Again, no offense to any Flynn-lovers out there. I just find him immensely annoying now. And I swear, if any of you are thinking twincest, for the love of all that is good and pure and innocent, PLEASE STOP.
KTHXBAI
;P