How can I tell him?
How can I even begin to tell him that I know? I know what he did a year ago, back before I knew him. I remember him, standing there in the shadows, speaking to me, asking me what year it was. I remember the boyish face, the suit he was wearing, the trench coat. And now that I understand about regeneration, I realize that it was him, the Doctor, my Doctor, standing there in the snow watching me and mum.
But why?
Why did he come to me that night? To see me before he met me? To make sure I was alright? Curiosity about what I was doing before we met? If we are together now, why was he alone that night? Where was I?
I'm glad he finally explained regeneration to me because I was shocked the moment he changed and I saw the man in the alley standing there in his place wearing the Doctor's clothes. I thought I was hallucinating but then he spoke to me and I knew for certain it was the same man. I couldn't believe the man from the alley had been transmatted into the ship in the Doctor's place and I was stunned and terrified at first which was why I kept my distance. But then he came to me and spoke to me and took my hand and I lost my fear of him.
And then the moment I saw his new outfit, I had to grin because I knew without a doubt he was the man from the alley. The Doctor smiled back but I don't think he realized the reason why I had such a huge grin on my face. I even remember what I said to him. See ya. How weird is that. Perhaps unconsciously, I knew this man, this odd looking drunken man, was going to be the one to give me the great year he predicted.
Oh, my Doctor, I wish you would have said more that night. I wish you would have stepped out of the shadows and chatted with me. Told me who you were and what things were in store for me and why you were there all alone, spying on me. But after the reapers, I know why you kept your identity a mystery. But I wonder what you were thinking as you stood there. Did you long to go up and hug me, put your arms around me and hold me close like your previous self did? Did you think about all the good times we had or will have? Or did things land up badly and you kicked me out of the TARDIS and that's why you were all alone. But then again, if that's the case, why bother coming to see me? I think I know why you were there that night, Doctor. You are in love with me, as I am in love with you. You don't say it, of course, but I know you love me. I see that love in every glance, every hug, every smile and come to think of it, looking back on that night I saw that love reflected in your eyes so it couldn't have been that you got rid of me. Oh, it kills me not knowing why you were there. But I understand enough of time travel now that since this life just came into being, that was a future version of yourself so even if I ask, you won't know what I'm talking about which is why I'm going to keep this secret to myself.
Oh, Doctor, whatever the reasons for you being alone that night, I hope that you were okay and was only there to check on me. Perhaps I was even asleep in the TARDIS while you went out to see me. I hope so because after all I've seen and done with you, I don't think I could bear to be separated from you now and whatever comes our way, I hope you and I have many great years.