I have taken a longer than needed break from writing and i simply needed to start again because for some reason reading fics makes me want to write them... anyway, this is kind of a random fic i conjured up like five miniutes before i wrote it and just about everything was thought up on the spot so i do have a general idea/plot for it but none of the details are set yet.. This is my first shot at a fic in this POV, so sorry if i mix up the 'tenses' in a couple of spots.. also i apologize if i got off track while writing and if something isnt clear because of that.. (dont have a beta reader as of now, that would explain the errors)

I do plan on making this a fairly long term fic so yes, updates will happen. Also, i LOVE reviews so any reviews are encouraged, and knowing people like it makes me update faster.. This will eventually be a RoyEd fic, (yes its yoai) and will most likely contain much fluff. soo, i think im done rambling for now, hope you enjoy.

(also, i dont own FMA, if thats a surprise to anyone)

My eyes sleeplessly sprang open for the third time in what seemed like five minutes, my mind still trying to persuade my body that it was still tired but deep down I knew it was a lie. A poor excuse conjured up in my mind in the hopes of not having to deal with life, or what little of a life it was. I rolled over glancing at the clock. It was half past noon and I was expected to be at work at eight, but I didn't give a damn. I don't even see why they have me come in almost every morning. My real reason for joining the military was already done and dealt with almost a year ago. I just stick around because I need the money even though I would much prefer a hard working job to sitting on my ass any day. A job like that would at least occupy my thoughts so there would be less time for my memories to come flooding back to me, but then again I guess I shouldn't really complain about getting paid for nothing.

I hadn't gone to work in about a week, and despite the calls, I simply didn't care. I honesty don't care about anything anymore. I couldn't deny that I was slipping into a depression. As much as I denied it to everyone else, I couldn't pretend that I didn't notice. The loneliness was creeping in on me and I couldn't say I was powerless to stop it, but I had no idea how. The lack of human contact was driving me insane. I hadn't seen any one in days and only talked to people occasionally at work, but only when necessary. I was trying to salvage any sanity left in me, but that was quite a task when I had nothing to return to but an empty apartment and my own company. It sickened me that I had to resort to lingering at the markets longer than needed just to be around people, and passing off forced small talk between the vendors as 'socializing'.

I pulled myself out of bed, slipping on my black pants and red coat as I trudged to the bathroom. My fingers weaved through my long blonde hair braiding it with ease. Some part of my mind decided for me that I was going to work today, although most of the day would be spent in the library anyway. I grabbed my crisp white gloves off of the bed side table, pulling out an old, worn journal from the dresser.

I walked down the empty sidewalk, my eyes gazing at the yellow and orange leaves of fall still clinging to the trees. It wasn't a terribly long walk, but an enjoyable one as long as I am able to limit my thoughts, keeping them far from my past. The one place I never like to venture. The town seemed almost empty as I walked up the large white stairs of the building. Not one person stopped to talk as I walked through the hallways, the most I got was a wave and a "good morning" from most of the employees. But then again, I guess that's what I get for not opening up to people. The reason I can't name a single friend of mine.

I figured it was about lunch time, so I decided to stop by a certain office I was rather fond of, in the hopes that the Colonel was still out. It wasn't that surprising that the man often kept a small silver flask in the bottom drawer of his desk for 'those days', and on quite a few occasions I had also indulged in his methods of coping with life. One swig of hard liquor is enough to get me through the day, and I have to admit that it isn't all that bad going about your day with a buzz. Although I have never been driven to get completely drunk, I would be old enough to supply myself in less than two weeks, which is much better than stealing sips from your boss when he's not looking.

I grabbed the silver knob, turning it slowly and pushing open the door without any form of indication that I was entering. I couldn't help the small smirk that inched across my face as I walked in the room. Sure enough the Colonel was back from his lunch break and sitting at his desk, flask in hand. I figured I could test my luck and talk him into giving me just a sip, especially since I had just walked in on him taking one for himself. Apparently it was "one of those days".

It took him a second to acknowledge my presence but a moment later he glanced up at me, his dark eyes holding a sort of compassion as they met mine.

"Im glad you decided to show up for work today Fullmetal." He finally spoke up, his voice free of the heavy sarcasm that flooded from his lips every time his words concerned me.

I gave a slight nod in response, not really knowing what to say and not wanting to waste my time thinking of something either. I think at that moment he realized his silver container was still sitting proudly upon his desk for all eyes to see as he tried to subtly pull it into his lap.

"Is your job really that bad that you have to resort to drinking at work Colonel?" Such a hypocritical comment to make when I' m about to ask him to pass it over.

"Its not like I'm getting myself drunk, I've just had a lot on my mind lately.. You wouldn't understand." He rambled, trying to find a way to explain it to me when I knew his reasons perfectly well.

"No, I understand completely, and I was curious if you would give me a quick sip before I head over to the library…" The moment of truth, I don't know why I craved it so badly. I'm far from an alcoholic but the warm feeling of hard whisky fuzzing my thoughts sounded delicious.

A slightly confused look crossed his face as he took in my question. "I didn't know you drank Fullmetal. it's a really bad habit, one you probably shouldn't indulge yourself in.." He replied smoothly.

"Well like you said, I don't do it to get drunk, Its just nice when I have a lot of things on my mind. Besides, I caught you in the act yourself." probably not the response he was looking for, but quite a good one.

"Maybe ill take you out drinking for your birthday, but for now your underage, so sorry." He replied.

I hint of warmth filled my stomach as he spoke. Stupid. It was simply stupid that I was feeling a bit of happiness flutter through my body when I realized he remembered my birthday. Even though my birthdays don't mean much to me anymore, it definitely meant something in the respect that he was the only person who cared enough to remember… the only one. I noticed the compassion in him show for me once things became shitty, and I knew he found out about what happened. The only person that mattered in my life up and walked out on me. After I had done and given up so much for him, he had the balls to leave. My own fucking brother that I loved and cared for more than my own life. I honestly don't even remember the stupid thing we were fighting about, but it doesn't even matter anymore because in the end he moved in with Winry, left me here with mygnawing regret and my aching sorrow. As hard as it is to get passed what happened, I know that I can blame no one else but myself for it. For whatever reason, it was my fault. I simply wasn't good enough, and I know now that if I couldn't have been good enough for him, then I can never be good enough for anyone.

As my mind raced with thoughts, I slowly realized that I was glaring daggers at the carpet, becoming aware for the first time that tears were rolling down my cheeks. This is exactly why I never wanted to remember or even think about the past, because it turns me into a sniveling idiot. Besides, dwelling on the past doesn't do shit, so I never want to allow myself the opportunity.

Tears continued to glide down my face as I hesitated to meet my gaze with the man I knew was sitting in front of me. I'm a little surprised how one comment made me feel so happy, and that my emotions had to rip it away from me.

I heard the quite patter of footsteps on carpet but I did nothing to stop them. I felt a soft hand brush against my cheek, sending me in awe. After having no physical contact with another person for what was probably months, I couldn't deny that it was the best feeling to run through my body. I couldn't help but lean into that hand just a little, wanting to treasure the sensation of warm skin against me.

"hey, are you okay?" the soft velvet voice asked softly.

I stood silent as a few more tears fell from my dulled eyes. I couldn't describe how badly I wanted the warmth of human contact to surround me. I had to force myself still when I wanted to fall into his warm embrace so badly. It was like an addiction pulling me for more. After feeling a natural human encounter, I knew that that is what I so desperately needed in my life.

I claimed that I needed no one, that everyone around me held no more significance than the dirt beneath my feet, but that was only partially true. No one had mattered except him. I respected him, looked up to him and I loved knowing that he held some sort of compassion for me within him. For that I was grateful because I knew he was the one person who still held faith in me when the world had stomped me into the ground. I never expected any sort of relationship between us, even a simple friendship is a high expectation for me.

My mind reminds me of my surroundings once again as a familiar and cherished voice calls out to me once again.

"What's wrong?" he asked gently, wiping the tears from my face with his warm hand still caressing my cheek leaving a burning warmth on my skin from his contact.

"Its nothing.." I finally choked out as I looked up at him with teary eyes.

"You don't have to pretend there isn't something bothering you, it would take a fool not to notice you have been really secluded lately. Does it have something to do with Al?" He whispered, treading carefully with his words.

Damn it, damn it, damn it, why the hell did he have to bring it up again. Well its already too late now because once I start crying I simply cant hold my emotions back like usual. It wont stop until I let it out like I have been so desperately trying to keep it dormant.

Your not stupid, of course its about Al, and you knew that without even having to ask. Its useless now. Everything I have pushed back is surging forward, and it sickens me to be weak in front of people. I cant help but cringe as I hear my sobs mindlessly flowing.

All at once I feel the most wonderful sensation coarse through my body as strong, warm arms wrap around my body, bringing me closer to him. My head rests against his shoulder and I cant help but pull myself closer to him with my hands tightly grasping the back of his uniform. I wanted to relish in the moment forever even though my sobs could still be heard pouring through the room in a never ending release of sorrow.

please review, im curious as to what people think of my random fics.. also, if anyone has ideas as to why Al left.. dont hesitate to offer ideas (havent thought that far into details yet lol) thanks.