There was a time I didn't know how to love him. There was a time when I didn't realise that I did love him. And there was a time when loving him scared me to death.
He was my friend. My best mate. That's all he was ever supposed to be. We had laughed together, played football together and talked about girls together. We had talked about OUR girlfriends.
So when he told me that he was in love with me I really didn't know how to react. But when he told me that he would leave and I need never see him again I knew that was the one thing I didn't want.
For a while we even managed to pretend that nothing had changed. Until that night. Until that kiss. I swore to everyone that would listen that he kissed me. I think I even convinced myself for a while. Why would I kiss him? I wasn't gay… I wasn't.
So much has changed since that first kiss. I've changed. I spent so long pushing him away that I ended up pushing him to someone else… and that was when I really knew that I wanted him.
Making love to him for the first time terrified me. I was afraid of just how much I wanted it… how much I wanted him. But that didn't make me gay.
When I promised him that we'd be together I meant it… but I couldn't keep my promise. I couldn't end things with her to be with him. No matter what I felt for him I wasn't brave enough to admit it to the world.
Of course no secrets last forever and because I hadn't been honest I ended up hurting more people that I could have imagined. Now everyone thinks I'm gay.
And now I have to leave. I could have had everything. I could have had him, had his love and been happy but I hadn't been able to take the chance… I hadn't been able to say I was gay… and I've lost it all.
There was a time I didn't know how to love him… now I don't know how to stop.