Chapter1 The Chasm

It had been almost two weeks since we had escaped the clutches of Rahl and we hadn't slowed our pace but kept pushing forward with brisk intent on reuniting with the Resistance. Word had reached us shortly after we had started out after the storm that the Resistance had returned to Hartland. They had gathered other recruits along the way and even the armies of Aydindril had joined in the fight hearing of how the Mother Confessor had been rescued from the clutches of D'Hara. Hartland was only two days ride from Drun, the town which we were stopped in for the night. The Drun river ran alongside the small, quaint town and we had made a small camp at the riverside, staying far from any prying eyes of potential spies.

Grenden, Chase and Lucan had gone into town for supplies and Zedd had left just the day before for Agaden Reach to pay a visit to Shota. Zedd never explained himself when he was determined to visit the witch, knowing of how I disregarded any of her wisdom and my wariness towards prophesy.

Kahlan had withdrawn into herself the night after we had spoken in the wayward pine. She wouldn't speak much more than a "yes" or "no" and she constantly avoided close contact with us even going so far as to move her sleeping blankets far out of reach of any of us. We were alone tonight and I was determined to get her to talk to me. A feeling of dread that would not go away had been my constant companion since the night Kahlan had been raped. I would forever blame myself, no matter how much she had convinced me that night that it wasn't my fault. A shudder of grief ran through me as I watched her trying to light the fire.

"Do you want me to try?" I said coming next to her. She looked up with her hollow, empty gaze and nodded handing me the flint. She quickly stood to get away from me and grabbed her pack and slung it over her shoulder.

"I'm going to the river to wash." She said and turned to leave. I lit the fire as my gaze followed her through the trees. After she disappeared from sight I followed, making sure to not let her see me. There was no way I could let her go anywhere alone, but I couldn't let her know that I was there.

The first night she had begun the ritual of scrubbing herself to a bleeding mess I had dropped my pack, plunging into the frigid waters after her.

"Kahlan! Stop! What are you doing? You're going to rub your skin off like that!"

She had stiffened at the sound of my voice and the water as I plunged quickly through. "Go away, Richard!" She hissed.

I hadn't listened but grabbed the cloth from her hands and flung it up on the riverbank. "What are you doing?" I demanded, grabbing her arms so she would see the blood streaks from her raw skin. "You're hurting yourself!"

She stared at me, shaking with terror "Don't touch me!" she wailed, pulling herself from my grip. "Don't touch me! Please…Richard….don't" she begged, tears streaming down her face. "He won't come off…..I…I…feel him everywhere! And I can't stop him!" She had pushed past me then and I moved to follow her but she whirled around on me, glaring fiercely in anger "Turn around. I don't want you looking at me."

It felt as if she had stabbed me through the heart, but I turned because she had asked me to and so she wouldn't see my tears. I had listened for her movements and waited until I heard her began to walk away. That was the last time she had really spoken to me and I couldn't help but allow my sorrow to overtake me again as I stood at the edge of the river and watched as she scrubbed her skin raw. I felt so helpless every night as I watched her in her silent torment just like the night I had watched Rahl push himself inside of her as I was shackled against her back. I clenched my jaw in animosity and promised myself again and again that he would pay for what he had done to her.

I sat down and leaned my back against a large oak tree and let my emotions run its course as I watched the woman I loved hurt herself. I didn't know what I was going to say to her, but I had to try something. I missed her fiercely but I knew there was nothing I could do. Even so….I would never give up trying.

A long time passed which meant she had had an extra hard time with her pain today. Some nights she would spend more time on abusing herself and this was one of those. When she turned and began to walk up the river bank, my heart clutched in sorrow as I saw where she had made herself bleed. The place between her legs was dripping bloodied water and it made me want to weep forever. Even if I found a way to love her, she would never let me, not after what had happened. I lowered my gaze in shame at my own surging desire at her beauty. No matter how battered and bruised she was, I had still never beheld a woman so beautiful in my whole life.

I quickly got up and hurried to find something to catch for dinner. I easily found two rabbits and a raspberry bush. Gathering the items I made my way back to camp and found Kahlan seated by the fire drying her hair. She glanced up when I came through and scooted back away from the fire when I came close to ready our supper. She watched in silence entranced by the flickering flames. I noticed she had set out some dried bread and potatoes by the pot and I added them to the almost boiling water.

"Rabbit stew…my favorite." I said, forcing a smile in her direction but she seemed not to have heard me and kept her gaze locked on the flames as if I hadn't uttered a word. I continued to talk about nothing in particular, begging the spirits she would speak to me this night. At least no one else was around, I thought. Zedd, Lucan, Grenden and Chase were worried about her state of mind but I had promised Kahlan my silence as to what had happened in D'Hara.

"When I was a boy, my father used to make this for Michael and me. He taught us how to make it just the way our mother used to when she was alive." I continued on with the stories from my childhood hoping to bring Kahlan out of her catatonic like state. I studied her face which was void of emotion but I caught sight of the tears pooled in her eyes.

"Kahlan?" She lifted her eyes to me and the damn broke as tears began to fall down her ivory skin. I wanted so much to take her in my arms but was afraid she would pull away from me. "Please talk to me, Kahlan." I whispered as I dropped the spoon back in the pot.

Her gaze was fixed, tears streaming down her face and then she reached into her boot and pulled out a dagger, holding it to her chest. "Let me die!" she wailed. " I can't do this anymore…..I can't…..no matter what I do….he's still inside of me…and your tears are on my neck, sobbing…and I…I'm so ashamed at how you've seen me…..I wanted to give you what he took…but I never can….not now…not ever….its gone. I'm ruined forever….and I can't stand to look at you knowing that I can never give you what you want…and I…"

"Dear spirits Kahlan, don't do that." I said grasping her wrist with force, causing her to cry out in pain but she was strong and managed to cut herself across the exposed part of her breast before I could wretch the blade from her hand. I tossed her dagger far from reach and clutched her wrists in my hands as she continued to sob. "Why are you doing this?" I pleaded.

Her lower lip quivered with sorrow as she spoke "Because I love you….more than anything…and I just…I want to be yours so badly….but he…he….fucked me, Richard! You were there and you saw him….and I can't stand the way you look at me now…as though I mean nothing to you anymore…"

"What are talking about? Kahlan! You mean everything to me! How can you even begin to think…."

"He destroyed me! And he took you away from me…..now you can never love me without thinking of him! Everything we had…he stole from us….don't you get that, Richard? I have nothing to give you that he hasn't already taken…you might still love me….but how can you ever want me after what he did….after what I've done?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, Kahlan. Rahl did this to you….and I promise you….he will pay for it with more than just his life. You know I don't blame you….I told you that. And I mean it. And whatever I need to do to help you through this….I'm here, and I won't leave you, not for anything in this world. And when I love you…in every way, and I will, I won't be able to think of anything but you and how much I love you."

"You shouldn't…" she said shacking her head to emphasize her thoughts "You shouldn't want me. It would destroy your soul….in more ways than one and I could never do that to you."

"You wouldn't destroy me, Kahlan. I love you too much for that to happen."

"What are talking about?"

"I would be with you now…but I know you can't, not when all you can think of is the night that he…." I couldn't stop my voice from cracking and I cried like I did that night when he stole what was most precious to me.

She shoved me away from her and stood, walking with her back to me with slumped shoulders. I jumped up and followed after her, our dinner forgotten and turned her to face me. I saw terror written on her face and the dagger on the ground could have stabbed me then but I wouldn't have felt it. Her pain was mine as if we were already one in body and soul and I wanted so much to help her but I didn't know what to do for her.

"Richard, please….you can't say things like that to me. I love you….I always will…but you can't stay by my side. I'm so afraid of hurting you…and I know I already have because of what I am….what I can't give you….I just…I…"

I stilled her words with a kiss to her forehead and gathered her into my arms pulling her into me until I could feel her beating heart against my chest and held her while she cried.

"You know I love you, for everything you are and I wouldn't trade any part of you. My soul already belongs to you and everything I am is yours….this….having you in my life means everything to me. Don't you ever send me away….that's the one thing in this world that would destroy me. I'd rather be your slave than be without you."

She clutched my shirt in her fists and pressed her face against my neck as though she were trying to drown into me. "I…I…can't do this anymore…that night won't let me go…and the one thing I wanted the most is gone…."

"What? What's gone, Kahlan." I asked as I held her tight.

She looked down in shame as she stepped back but she still clutched my shirt in her balled up fists. "I'm even afraid of you…touching me. I never thought I'd be afraid of you….but I am" her lip quivered and she still wouldn't look at me "and I'm sorry."

"Shhh….it's all right…I would never….you know that don't you?" my heart clenched and I thought I would collapse with grief. Now it made sense, her not letting me close to her, her screaming when I tried to touch her in the river that night….how could I be so stupid?

She gave a slight nod that anyone else would have missed unless you were really watching. And that was enough for me…to know she at least trusted that I would never hurt her like Rahl had. "Richard…will you sleep with me tonight….and hold me…I….I need you here….with me. The nightmares don't stop….and I'm so afraid….of….losing you because of this…its not that I don't love you anymore…I know I've pushed you away and I…I'm sorry…its not you. I just…" she looked at me then "I miss you…the way things used to be between us before….before you knew what I was…and before Rahl…."

"I'm right here….and I'm not going anywhere…even if you ask me to leave. I promise you…." She collapsed against me again holding to me like a lifeline in the darkness.

That night she let me hold her and when the nightmares came I was with her living them as if they were my horrors too….because they were.