HI THERE PEOPLES!
A little note, for all my old readers who may be wondering why this has popped up as a new fic again, its conscipuous absence for the past few months and, of course, anyone new who may be wondering what madness they are about to enter into *waves and gives welcoming smiles* …
So… I have a lot of explaining to do.
It is a very long story, which I shall do my best to summarise, and it begins with me being a total idiot and accidentally deleting the entirety of my Series Four of Merlin Amusing Reviews from my account, which had been entirely complete up to episode eleven. Luckily, I had backed up copies for the reviews of every episode other than (entirely irritatingly) episode ten.
Then I went and spilt tea on my laptop and moved into a new house, so I've been laptop-less for weeks and internet-less for even longer. However, now my laptop is recovered, my files restored and the internet returned to me, and so I present to you once again for your reading pleasure and (hopefully) amusement:
THE (RESTORED) MERLIN: SERIES FOUR AMUSING REVIEWS, episodes 1 – 9 and 11.
(newly combed through to remove all typos and add a couple more references and jokes, just to spice things up, because I'm nice like that).
All original author's notes are present and correct, because I couldn't be bothered to edit them out, so all of those are referring to events from almost a year ago that are completely out of date…
And yes, The Avengers is my new fandom and Loki is my new villainous love, for all those who are wondering ;) I may well Amusing Review Thor one of these days, and Avengers Assemble when it comes out on DVD.
Apologies for the absence of Episode Ten and all the jokes about the Waters of Mars (DOOOOOOM) that it brought. Unfortunately, that episode has somehow gone missing from all my backup copies, because weird. Also apologies for still no episodes 12 or 13 either, as BBC iPlayer still hasn't repeated them. Whether they shall ever be written remains to be seen (University, work and all that jazz) but I promise that my eyes are peeled for them.
In the meantime, I hope you enjoy! DFTBA :D
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Oh yes. I'm back.
So, I watched the first episode of Merlin, Series 4 yesterday and spent the majority of it making as many snarky comments as it is possible to make. And I thought to myself (what a wonderful world) "Hey, maybe I should review this." So here I am, reviewing this. And I am going to try to do the same for every episode this series because, hey, series 1 took so long and I haven't started on series 2 or 3 and I thought I owed it to you guys (and look how this madness turned out…)
These reviews probably won't be in as much detail as the older ones. They'll be shorter and a bit crackier, mostly because these are my initial thoughts rather than fully planned reviews after I've watched the episodes two or three times. However, I shall warn you that there will be spoilers abound so if you haven't watched the episodes and don't want to know what happened, go watch first. I'll wait.
...
See, I waited :)
Oh, and Doctor Who finale (The Wedding of River Song)? Was awesome. (And I may put something a little spoilery for that in this review too, so again, tread carefully or some skulls shall eat you).
Now, without further ado, I present...
MERLIN SERIES FOUR: THE AMUSING REVIEWS
Episode One – The Darkest Hour
And my immediate reaction is- "that sounds more like a series finale title than a series opener", but hey, maybe Doctor Who has got me stuck in finale mode.
THE GREAT JOHN HURT In a land of myth and a time of magic the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man-
ME ... Hang on a m-
GSD -his name... Merlin.
ME LE SQUEEEEE!*(etc)*
I - (hello Roman numerals. How I has missed you)
We open to a mysterious cloaked figure dragging a cart through a foggy valley full of mist and fog and mist. The cloak is black and flappy, so obviously it's Morgana, looking a little worse for wear after the events of last series. She's being followed by Sir Leon (the badass), Sir Elyan (the thank-god-for-cast-listings-or-I'd-never-be-able-to-spell-it) and some other redshirts of Camelot.
SIR LEON Oi! You! Mysterious hooded lady whose voice is suspiciously like Morgana's! Where are you headed and what's in the cart?
MORGANA None of your business *turns round *
SIR LEON Oh snap
MORGANA *telekinetically blasts some redshirts* I'm Sylar now, bitches!
Morgana then goes to check on Morgause, who is lying in the cart and has caught the terrible disease of prosthetics on one side of her face.
Last bets on how many times Morgana is going to evilly smirk this episode? Anyone?
Cue:
OPENING CREDITS. THEY'VE CHANGED THE PICTURES! FINALLY! HALLELUJAH! ONLY TOOK YOU FOUR BLOODY SERIES!
II. Time for some mood whiplash in Camelot
Where there is whimsical music, Merlin runs about crashing into people and the knights of Camelot play fishing in the kitchens (where Arthur also seems to keep his shirts... for some reason). It is rather amusing.
Merlin then gets some wine spilled on Arthur's shirt and removes it via teh magics whilst Lancelot makes subtle comments and suggestive eyebrows about it. Because he is Lancelot (and likes to dance a lot) and is awesome.
Arthur also fails at writing speeches and he and Merlin exchange some banter, as they do. I (and many other fangirls) melt into squeeing piles of happiness and sparkles.
Meanwhile in the land of the fog and mist, Morgana and Morgause and Morgause's prosthetic of doom have reached the Isle of the Blessed.
SOME GUY WITH BOAT *needs paying*
Erm? Who the heck is he?
SOME GUY WITH BOAT *takes Morgana and Morgause and the prosthetic of doom to Isle in boat*
No, seriously. Who the heck is he? Where was he in series one when Gaius and Merlin went to that Island multiple times? Ah, maybe he's a temp.
III. Uther appears to be suffering from PTSD and Guinevere has significantly longer hair
It has also been a year since the last series finale, which at least explains the rebuilt great hall. This, however, makes me sad for Uther. Gaius turns up and they worry for a bit as Morgana and Morgause and that guy who has no explanation and Morgause's prosthetic (are those things contagious?) continue to boat their way to the Isle of the Blessed. The Isle looks a little bit run down and wyvern infested. Probably fell into disrepair after Nimueh got exploded by lightning.
Sir Leon and Sir Elyan ride back into Camelot. They are alone, because the redshirts are dead. Why is it that the redshirts in this show are only named after they are dead?
Also, one of them was called Montague. Which is a cool name.
SIR LEON So, we found Morgana and Morgause and she sort of killed some knights but not us because we're important and everything...
NATHANIEL PARKER Where was Morgana headed?
Am I going to get any explanation as to what Nathaniel Parker is doing here? Anyone?
SIR LEON *mumble*isle of the blessed *mumble*
NATHANIEL PARKER I'll send out patrols at first light
No, seriously. Who the heck is this guy? Okay so his name is Agravaine but that doesn't tell us anything.
ARTHUR Well, this really put a dampener on my day.
WHO IS THIS GUY?
AGRAVAINE I know, right?
WHY THE HECK IS HE IN CAMELOT?
ARTHUR I don't know I'd have got through these last few months without you
WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN!
ARTHUR Thank you, uncle
Oh, so he's evil then.
IV. Back on the Isle of the Mist (maybe mist just follows Morgana around)/feast at Camelot (They're both sort of going on at the same time…)
Also, I have no idea what Arthur is going on about but it seems to be important so I'll just call it the Dark Ages equivalent of Halloween. What? It's October.
Morgana is unsure about whatever is going to happen next, so I'm going to guess it involves Morgause dying.
MORGAUSE It is the only way to get me conveniently written out of the show seeing as Emilia Fox has other things to do like have a baby and be posh in gin adverts. Also, it's gonna help defeat Camelot or something. Don't be scared.
MORGANA Yeah, because the whole 'defeat Camelot' thing worked so well the last thirteen times.
I also notice that other than the prosthetic disease and the whole slowly dying thing Morgause is doing surprisingly well for having been thrown against a wall and looking very dead at the end of the last finale. What the heck happened to these two in the last year?
So, at midnight exactly Morgana chants a spell and kills Morgause and it makes an evil tornado of doom appear, along with hellish screaming and some woman who was apparently in Harry Potter but to my eternal shame I do not know who she played.
And everything goes slow for Merlin and he faints, but not until the woman says "Emrys" at him several times like it means something.
The woman has also appeared to Morgana to scold her or something and give exposition about the hellish screaming. She's pretty calm about it, to be honest.
WOMAN Emrys is your destiny and your doom
MORGANA Well that sounds suckish
Hm, this woman must be the anti-Great Dragon. Maybe there's an anti-Destiny society too.
NIMUEH, MORGAUSE, MADAME KOVORIAN AND OTHER VILLAINS Hell yeah! *clink coffee cups* Evil destiny!
Also, when Merlin faints, Arthur is all "OMG is he alright?" which is adorable.
V. Merlin and Gaius then have a conversation about the woman and what she said and what the heck has happened
Also, the music reminds me rather a lot of the music in The Lion King. Seriously, go listen to some music from The Lion King. You'll see what I mean.
VI. The next morning...
Fourteen minutes in and we have shirtless Bradley James. I am a happy person right now :)
Unfortunately, a girl called Dreya (not Freya) has turned up because her village has been attacked, so the knights of the round table (who dance whene'er they're able) go to investigate!
DREYA I could hear people screaming and then... Silence
The Silence? WHAAAAA-?
Also, can I-don't-know-who-the-fridge-he-is-Nathaniel-Parker stop acting like we should all know what the heck he's doing in Camelot? Seriously.
Then Arthur uses the word "clotpole"
POUTY!MERLIN That's my word
ME *more melting*
In the village that was attacked...
SET PEOPLE This totally isn't the same set for the village that Merlin comes from at all *shifty eyes*
The knights find animals programmed to provide jump scares and people that have been frozen to death. As you do. I also love the way the knights of Camelot seem to pair up. Gwaine and Jeff (yeah, I know its Percival but ever since I found out it was the same actor I just have to call him Sir Jeff), Leon and Elyan, Lancelot and Merlin (or Merlin and Arthur).
Gwaine also continues to be Gwaine, and therefore epic, by eating a random apple loudly. If you've read my Star Trek review, you'll know about my theory on apples and egos. I think that applies here (though with Gwaine it's more epic-snarkiness than ego).
There is more hellish screaming (which is actually terrifying, thank you) and then we get a good look at our monster, which is a loud of mist with a skull face. Deadly skulls seems to be a theme of the evening's television. They also seem to generate anti-magic fields because Merlin is powerless against them. Luckily Lancelot is there to scare the thing off with a torch. Like a boss.
Poor Merlin is rather shaken by the whole thing, which makes me want to hug him lots.
VII. Camelot is under attack. My goodness, that was quick.
There are already bodies in the hall. I do feel sorry for Camelot. Wonder what the life expectancy is?
Merlin angsts to Gaius about not being able to use his magic. I still want to hug him because he looks so scared, poor thing.
The next morning, Gaius does his job- telling Uther (or at least his Nathaniel Parker stand in) and Arthur what monster of the week they are fighting.
AGRAVAINE But who would do such a thing?
GAIUS (AND EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN PAYING ATTENTION) Morgana.
Unfortunately, Gaius does not know how to defeat the creatures and their hellish screaming of doom.
That night, Merlin is paranoid about things and Arthur taunts him for it. In a bantering kind of way.
MERLIN I do not find you funny right now
ARTHUR Just trying to keep our spirits up
I think Merlin's "it's not a joke" line is the most bitter I've heard him speak. Which makes me sad. MERLIN DAMN YOU, YOU NEED HUGS AND ITS ONLY 24 BLOODY MINUTES INTO THE FIRST BLOODY EPISODE!
Meanwhile, I'm all "Don't go into the shadows! They will eat you!" and Bradley James pulls the best expressions.
Then the hellish screaming comes along to ruin the mood and Arthur is all "I'm really, really scared, you know" and I'm all DAMMIT ARTHUR NOW YOU NEED HUGS TOO!
VIII. Then some candles are blown out in Gaius' room. Nothing comes of it, but it's scary
I love that the knights of Camelot all wonder around on patrol in a great big bunch, because they are BFFs. At least until Sir Jeff hears some children crying and has to save them because he's awesome like that with his chainmail vest of manliness. Then Sir Elyan has to save him from a hellish skull of freezing doom, like a boss.
THEY ARE ALL BFFS AND ITS ADORABLE! I bet they all go to Camelot Nandos and have drinking competitions and meet the Avengers for shwarma and OMG CRACK FIC IDEAS! *flails*
IX. Because things can never be simple, a blood sacrifice is required to seal the tear between worlds and prevent any more hellish ice deaths.
They're playing the Lion King music again.
ARTHUR I'll go sacrifice myself for the good of Camelot then. Bye y'all.
At which point, Agravaine rides off into the forest to a little hut in the woods.
AGRAVAINE My lady
MORGANA My lord
Yup, he's evil.
Also, I'm going to assume that Agravaine is Igraine's brother, owing to similar names and earlier dialogue, so that means he and Morgana aren't blood related. I'm not sure if that makes the way they are talking to each other less creepy or extra creepy. But maybe I'm just reading into things.
I'm also going to throw out my series predictions here and say Agravaine will try to usurp Morgana in some way at which point she'll pull a Morgause/Cenred and kill him. The sexual tension between Morgause and Cenred last series was utterly hilarious in its unsubtle-ty, by the way. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
Morgana is really sarcastic. She also looks like she's taken clothing advice from Bellatrix Lestrange. However, Morgana is also feeling rather paranoid about Emrys and her doom.
I have a question. What (in Agravaine's mind at least) makes Morgana the rightful heir to Camelot over Arthur? Is she older? Or is it just because she has more breasts?
Why am I even trying to apply logic to this show?
X. Arthur has a post going-out-to-sacrifice-himself-for-the-good-of-Camelot talk with his father
Or rather at his father. Uther is surprisingly responsive.
UTHER Don't leave me... Please
DAMMIT! UTHER NEEDS HUGS TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT!
GWEN Seconded.
Arthur and Gwen then have a heartfelt talk about their first kiss.
ME *vomits*
And so, off they go to ride away.
LANCELOT Hey Gwen!
GWEN Hey! Look after Arthur for me plzthnkyou?
LANCELOT ...
NOT LANCELOT TOO! GAH! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE HUGS ALL ROUND!
OBLIVIOUS!GWEN He's so nice :)
LANCELOT Damn these fringed heroes stealing mah chicks all the time.
He regains enough snark on the journey however to scold Merlin for coming along without any power against the hellish hellskulls.
LANCELOT I don't want to see you hurt. You is mah BFF
MERLIN But... Destiny...
GAIUS, THE GREAT DRAGON AND HUNITH Destiny!
MERLIN Did you hear that?
LANCELOT Noooooo...
XII. Oh dear, Morgana's bad dreams have come back with a vengeance
MORGANA No... Bodies... Excalibur... Crow… Bluescreen effects! NOOOOOO!
OLD!MERLIN Is this really what you wanted Morgana?
POV SHOT OF MERLIN WITH MORGANA'S HAND *IS. AWESOME.*
MORGANA GAH! Emrys!
The knights of Camelot continue to ride on to some weird castle place past a load of frozen bodies. Good lord this show has a huge body count.
I love that Arthur actually tells the knights to pair off to collect firewood. And they split into their previously allotted pairs. I squee some more.
Then later on when they have made the fire there is manly laughter. Of manliness.
Also, Gwaine doesn't use doors. He jumps through windows. Like a boss.
There's also a small instance where Colin Morgan's accent suddenly leaps out without warning, which is nice ;)
Of course, because it is the law, Merlin and Arthur end up on their own and under attack by hellish faces and must run off into the darkness. The knights hear the hellish screaming and go off after them. They're even like "someone needs to go after them and we've only got one torch" and slowly file off after each other like "screw that, I'm not going to be the one who stays behind. BFFS TOGETHER!"
Arthur then confides to Merlin about how scared he feels. DAMMIT CAN'T YOU TWO HUG EACH OTHER BECAUSE I CAN'T REACH INTO THE SCREEN AND HUG BOTH OF YOU! The music swells and they laugh and-
SOUNDTRACK SCARE CHORD!
ME *leaps out of my freaking seat*
Congratulations, writers of Merlin. You have successfully terrified me more than the same night's episode of Doctor freaking Who. I'm going to have nightmares full of hellish screaming all week, darn it.
HELLISH HELLSKULL *appears the hell out of nowhere and attacks*
MERLIN Oh no you don't! *jumps at it- pushing Arthur out of the way so he can't stop him, might I add- and is flung against the nearest wall*
KNIGHTS *turn up with torch* WTF just happened?
MERLIN *is frozen*
ME ... o_O
CUT *to cliffhanger*
ME *shakes fist* BARROWMAAAAAN!
Oh well, at least this time I've got a whole series ahead of me instead of a bloody end-of-series cliffhanger. I'm looking at you Moffat. *grumble* damnswimmingpool *grumble*damnbloodyrooftop *grumble*
And that was the first episode of series four. Hope to see you next week for (what I presume will be) The Darkest Hour Part Two!
:D