Babou took the disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters and shredded it. This is just madness from my mind. References the fics Operation Chaos Theory and Operation Piece of Cake. A lot of crazy thoughts in my head because there was nothing good on TV. So what happens when I get these crazy thoughts? You get…
Bring Your Ocelot To Work Day
"Come on Archer are you gonna do it or not?" Pam snapped.
"Don't rush me Pam this is a big decision!" Archer snapped back. "Why don't you cut me some slack?"
"Why don't you grow a pair?" Pam snapped. "Seriously you're starting to get as smooth as a Ken doll. Or Cyril."
"Hey!" Cyril snapped. "That's not fair!"
"Yeah Cyril has more of a pair in this instance than you do," Cheryl quipped. "By the looks of things he has a lot more than a pair."
"Will you stop bitching and let Archer make up his mind already?" Ray snapped.
"Remember Archer you have to consider everything in your choice," Krieger added his two cents.
"Since when does Archer consider things?" Pam snorted. "Make up your mind already!"
"Okay fine! I've made up my mind!" Archer barked. "I'm going to buy North Carolina Avenue and put a hotel there."
The gang was sitting around a desk in the bullpen playing Monopoly. Archer, Pam, Cyril, Krieger, Ray and Cheryl were taking turns and debating how to play.
"You can't put a hotel on North Carolina Avenue!" Cyril snapped. "You don't own either of the other two properties on the block!"
"Which is a moot point because you can't afford North Carolina Avenue," Ray pointed out.
"So I'll get a loan from the bank! Come on Cyril give it to me!" Archer reached out for the fake money on the side. Pam hit him. "OW!"
"Don't be such a greedy ass!" Pam snapped.
"Well how am I supposed to get money if Cyril won't give it to me?" Archer snapped.
"How about a trade?" Pam asked. "I'll give you money if you give me one of your properties."
"What properties?" Cheryl laughed. "He's only got three!"
"Yeah but one of them is Park Place so suck it!" Archer snapped.
"You suck at this game period," Cheryl snorted. "Plus trading is against the rules."
"No, it's not," Cyril said. "As long as it's his turn Archer can make a trade. That's one way to get money. Or he can mortgage one of his properties."
"Who are you? Henry George?" Cheryl barked. "That can't be right!"
"It's in the rules!" Cyril snapped. "And it clearly says that properties can also be mortgaged, although all developments on a monopoly must be sold before any property of that color can be mortgaged or traded. The player receives money from the bank for each mortgaged property (half of the purchase price), which must be repaid with 10% interest to unmortgage."
"Huh?" Archer blinked. The rest of the gang seemed to be stunned as well.
Cyril went on. "Houses and hotels can be sold back to the bank for half their purchase price. Players cannot collect rent on mortgaged properties and may not give improved property away to others; however, trading mortgaged properties is allowed. The player receiving the mortgaged property must immediately unmortgage it for the mortgage price plus 10%, or pay the bank just the 10% amount and keep the property mortgaged; if the player chooses the latter, they must still pay the 10% again if the property is later unmortgaged."
"Geeze la Rue," Pam whistled. "I've actually filled out real agreements for loans that weren't this detailed!"
"This game is way more complicated than I thought," Archer frowned. "And they expect kids to play this? Seriously?"
"Well it is for ages seven and up so…" Cyril shrugged.
"Seven? That young?" Archer was stunned.
"My father started teaching me this game when I was six," Cyril admitted. "He was always on an education kick being a school superintendent and all."
"Which explains why you know the rules by heart," Ray put it together.
"It does teach them about money, banking and property values," Krieger added.
"It also taught me that my father was an insane greedy bastard when it comes to money," Cyril grumbled. "He hated it when I started winning."
"Which is pretty much what happens in real life," Pam added.
Archer thought for a moment. "Hmm, this game is educational. I don't know why my mother never let me play board games much as a kid. She said they would rot my brain."
"As opposed to the tons of alcohol you've drank over the years which has rotted both your brain and your liver?" Lana asked as she walked up to them. "What are you all doing?"
"Performing brain surgery! What does it look like?" Ray quipped.
"I thought we were playing Monopoly?" Cheryl blinked.
"Ray was being sarcastic," Cyril explained.
"I thought Ray was gay," Cheryl remarked.
"How are you winning this game if you have no clue what you're doing?" Archer asked Cheryl.
"I honestly have no idea," Cheryl blinked.
"She's got a ton of money, half the board and all the railroads and she has no idea how she's winning," Ray groaned.
"Wow this game really is like real life," Archer remarked.
"Does anyone in this office do any work anymore?" Lana asked.
"Obviously not," Ray quipped.
"It was rather a stupid question," Pam remarked.
"So basically you all spent the entire morning playing Monopoly?" Lana groaned.
"Well we were playing poker but some people are sore losers!" Krieger glared at Pam and Cheryl.
"I will still hate crime your asses into next week," Cheryl glared.
"So we thought we'd play a board game," Archer explained. "Krieger has a whole bunch of them in his lab."
"I use them to test and engage the mental growth of my test subjects," Krieger explained. "Although considering the way Piggly Two ate my Sorry game and wasn't sorry…I still have a ways to go judging emotional maturity."
"Hold on… Sterling Archer Super Spy is playing a board game?" Lana gave him a look.
"I know but I was really bored," Archer said. "Hey I made a pun. Playing a board game because I was bored. Get it?"
"Yeah I got it," Lana sighed. "And if your mother catches you all goofing off you'll get it."
"Says the woman who just walked in two minutes ago," Archer gave her a look.
"Knowing full well Ms. Archer was going to be gone all morning for one of her crazy schemes," Ray added.
"I had to take Abbiejean to a doctor's appointment," Lana protested.
"Yeah right," Cheryl scoffed.
"I did!" Lana snapped. "She needed to get her shots."
"What a shock," Cheryl grumbled. "I knew that baby had rabies."
"Not those kinds of shots! Immunization shots!" Lana barked.
"Yeah immunization from the rabies she gives to other people!" Cheryl snapped at her.
"Who is giving rabies to what?" Mallory asked as she walked over. "Don't tell me another one of Krieger's god forsaken menaces has escaped the lab again? Oh wait…" She looked at Ray.
"You know…?" Ray glared at her.
"Nothing got out of my lab that wasn't supposed to!" Krieger told her.
"Supposed to?" Cyril gave him a look.
"We were talking about how Lana skipped work this morning to give her gross germ baby rabies shots that will infect us all!" Cheryl said.
"Stop calling my daughter a gross germ baby!" Lana barked.
"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl screamed.
"Well someone should be," Pam remarked.
"But we were all here on time waiting for you while Lana skipped out," Cheryl said cheerfully.
"I didn't skip out! I told Mallory I'd be late today!" Lana barked.
"That's right!" Mallory huffed. "Lana was doing her duty as a good mother. Immunizations are important for not only protecting the baby against diseases but for the health and well-being of the general public!"
"I didn't know you were so pro-immunization," Lana looked at Mallory.
"Well of course I am," Mallory told her. "All mothers should do what they can to protect their children from horrible diseases. It's part of the job."
"Was I ever immunized?" Archer asked.
"Oh who remembers?" Mallory waved. "The point I am making is that Lana was doing something productive unlike the rest of you! I'm paying you to be agents in an intelligence agency! Although now that I think about this might not be the best fit considering your lack of intelligence!"
"What work?" Pam spoke up. "I have nothing to do on the HR side. No harassment complaints, no hiring or firing, no safety violations to write up…"
"Those were thrown out the window the day Krieger let his exploding mice out of the office," Ray quipped.
"I didn't let them out! They escaped!" Krieger protested.
"But you did say something else got out?" Cyril asked. "A few minutes ago? Remember?"
"And nobody called," Cheryl added. "At least if they did they didn't wake me up from my nap."
"No CIA calling, no missions!" Archer added. "Therefore no work!"
"Have you all completely forgotten there are other aspects of a spy agency other than screwing up and screwing around?" Mallory shouted. "Such as gathering information?"
"Oh we got that," Pam said. "This morning supermodel Koko La Kombra officially split from her husband Dick Timble the Canadian curling player after being married for only…"
"NOT THAT KIND OF INFORMATION YOU OVERSIZED SHE HULK!" Mallory yelled. "Actual intelligence information! And things you get online or on the news doesn't count!"
"Yeah two things about that…" Ray gave her a look. "Number One. Remember when the office shut down last year to run an illegal drug cartel for the CIA?"
"Just say drug cartel," Archer corrected. "Obviously it's illegal."
"And all the other employees and agents and drones were out of a job?" Ray asked. "Including the guys that ran our mission control center and our Intelligence Department. You know the ones who deciphered codes and were able to encrypt messages intercepted from other agencies?"
"The ones who left and won't come back because half of them went to work at ODIN and the rest went to other agencies?" Krieger added. "Well the ones that didn't die."
"Yeah like seven of them had heart attacks when the agency closed," Pam added. "But that was more of a cholesterol thing."
"So basically they're not coming back," Ray added. "Ever."
"And not for our lack of trying," Lana folded her arms. "Remember all the calls we made?"
"And all the people that hung up on us?" Ray added.
"Okay fine. So we have a few less eggheads working at the machines?" Mallory waved. "There are other ways of getting information you know? Like our network of contacts and informants we've accumulated over the years!"
"That's Number Two," Ray added.
"Phrasing!" Pam called out. "What? It counts!"
"We're still doing that?" Archer spoke up. "Seriously I'm asking."
"As I was saying you know all those people we had as contacts and informants?" Ray rolled his eyes. "Guess what happened to the ones that didn't die or get thrown into jail?"
"Oooh! Oooh! I know this!" Cheryl raised her hand. "Pick me! Pick me!"
"Okay take it away Cheryl," Ray quipped.
"When they all realized they wouldn't get paid they all jumped ship and went over to ODIN or the CIA or some other agency," Cheryl said cheerfully.
"Very good Cheryl," Ray said.
"Of course most of them would have left anyway," Cheryl went on. "Once word got around of that shoot out with the Yakuza that scared a lot of them off. Bunch of pussies."
"What the…?" Mallory did a double take. "How did that happen?"
Everyone else looked at Pam. "You want to take it from here Pam?" Ray asked casually.
"What?" Pam protested. "I only told a few people. And put some of the details up on my blog. And my Space Book page. And I may have written a few limericks about it in some bathroom stalls in a few places."
"Remember when I said a few minutes ago there was a lack of intelligence in this agency?" Mallory growled. "I was wrong. There isn't any whatsoever!"
In a fit of fury Mallory threw the game board into the air, scattering pieces and paper money.
"HEY! Son of a…I was winning! MOTHER!" The staff protested.
"Everyone into my office now!" Mallory ordered. "We're having a meeting." She stormed off to her office.
"Oh yay just what we need," Archer said sarcastically as he reluctantly got up. "Another meeting where Mother yells at us for no reason!"
"Wow she really hates board games doesn't she?" Cheryl spoke up as the staff entered the office.
"Just like Piggly Two," Krieger remarked.
"All right idiots! This Meeting of the Mindless is now in session!" Mallory snapped as she picked up a paper list from her desk.
"Oh great. She has a list," Archer rolled his eyes.
"Yes! There are a great many things we need to discuss!" Mallory snapped as she looked at the list. "Item One is to get some competent people for this agency!"
"You're still trying to hire people back?" Lana asked.
"Or get some new blood around here," Mallory shrugged. "If only to sell some of it at a blood bank."
"You are aware that you would have to pay these people a salary right?" Archer spoke up. "Speaking of which…"
"Shut up Sterling," Mallory snapped. "What? Why is that such a bad idea?"
"Do you want our honest answer or what you want to hear?" Ray asked.
"Because seriously Mallory, you haven't exactly been batting a thousand hiring new people," Lana added.
"Well obviously since I hired all of you!" Mallory snapped.
"Burn," Ray admitted.
"But other than you gaggle of giggling idiots I haven't…" Mallory began.
"HA!" Lana interrupted. "How soon we forget Rodney Whosits!"
"Douche," Archer grumbled.
"I hired Whosits to keep an eye on our armory which you lot kept stealing from like it was your own personal cookie jar!" Mallory snapped.
"And he in turn stole all our weapons to go into business for himself as an arms dealer," Lana remarked.
"A rather successful arms dealer," Ray added.
"I am aware of the irony," Mallory snapped. "All right so one bad…"
Lana interrupted. "Then there was Conway Stern who turned into some weird triple agent."
"I know pick a side already and stick with it," Cheryl agreed.
"Technically he did when he stuck Archer with a knife," Pam spoke up.
"That asshole literally stabbed me in the back then shot me in the back!" Archer added.
"Who hasn't shot you at least once?" Mallory snapped. "Seriously everyone in this room who has shot Sterling raise your hand." She raised her own.
Reluctantly Lana, Cyril, Ray, Krieger, Pam and Cheryl held their hands up. "Okay I know you, Lana and Cyril shot me," Archer frowned. "And I remember Ray winged me during that shootout in Montreal."
"After you yelled out to everyone in the lobby you were a spy," Ray gave him a look. "I was trying to shoot the Russian agents trying to kill us!"
"And I also remember the paintball incident," Archer added.
FLASHBACK!
"HA HA HA HA HA!" Krieger and Pam laughed as they ran around in camouflage gear shooting paintballs from some large paintball guns. "HA HA HA HA!"
"WHOO! These paintball guns are kick ass!" Pam whooped. "We are gonna kill 'em at the paintball wars!"
"I'm going to kill you!" Archer shouted. The entire bullpen was covered in paintball splatter. So was Archer, Cyril, Ray, Lana and Cheryl.
"Uh oh! Smoke bomb!" Krieger made a fake smoke bomb.
"Wait for me!" Pam ran off after him.
"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" Archer shouted as he, Lana and Ray chased them.
"YOU RUINED MY MOHAIR SUIT!" Ray shouted.
"AND MY BOOTS!" Lana shouted. "YOU ARE SO PAYING FOR MY DRY CLEANING!"
"Speaking of which all the payment slips are covered in paint!" Cyril yelled. "Thanks a lot!"
"This is why we can't have nice things!" Mallory shouted as she looked at the scene from her office.
FLASHFORWARD!
"So that explains Krieger and Pam but I don't remember you shooting me Carol," Archer blinked, once again forgetting Cheryl's name.
"Oh that's because you were unconscious at the time," Cheryl explained. "You took me back to your place and passed out before you could have sex with me. So I took your gun and shot you in the butt."
"That was you? I thought it was the hooker I stiffed!" Archer shouted. "Damn it. I burned down that pimp's house for nothing."
"And got us into a lovely little beef with the Russian Mob in this city," Mallory groaned.
"Albanian actually," Archer corrected.
"Oh right," Mallory remembered. "The Russian Mob was another thing."
"Speaking of enemies we've made over the years," Lana remarked. "Have you forgotten the complete and total debacle that was Roscoe Rimmer?"
"Roscoe Rim Job? I hated that guy!" Archer shouted.
"That's because he shot you twice," Pam snorted.
"Only once. First one only grazed me but it ruined my suit!" Archer corrected.
"He was a good agent," Mallory protested.
"Yeah, for ODIN!" Lana barked. "Remember? They sent him undercover to spy on us!"
"Oh right…" Mallory winced.
"By the time we figured it out he sabotaged nine missions, copied half of our Intel and gave up dozens of our agents' identities to ODIN!" Ray added. "And he stole fifty thousand dollars from his expense account."
"And he's now a regional director for ODIN in Europe," Pam added. "Spain I think."
"Immediately after Rimmer got away you hired Jack Barnes," Lana folded her arms. "Who was also a secret agent for ODIN!"
"He wrecked three missions and got the other half of our Intel," Ray admitted.
"Not only that but he stole thirty thousand dollars and lured away three agents from us to ODIN!" Cyril added.
"And then the day after we discovered his identity and escaped," Lana went on. "Literally the day after he got away you hired David Dane who… Wait for it…Was also a secret agent for ODIN!"
"The Not So Great Dane Cook of Spies!" Archer quipped. "Him we actually killed right?"
"Yeah Cyril accidentally shot him when he gave him his gun for some reason," Lana said.
"He wanted to show me his new gun! I said it was cool and he let me take a look and…" Cyril whined.
"Cyril. That time we didn't mind your ineptitude with weapons!" Mallory snapped. "Especially since we found his ODIN ID in his pocket."
"So basically within one year we had three ODIN double agents stealing secrets from us!" Lana said in an exasperated tone.
"We also had Lucas Troy who defected," Pam spoke up. "Over a dozen other agents who defected. And Scatterbrain Jane who basically was defective."
"Said the defective pot to the defective kettle," Mallory gave Pam a look.
"Don't forget Krenshaw who was a mole for the KGB," Cyril spoke up.
"Oh my God I totally forgot about that douchebag!" Archer remembered. "I really enjoyed killing him!"
"Yes, I remember your erection," Lana gave him a look.
"Is there actually a point to this stroll down Memory Lane?" Mallory asked.
"Yes! Nobody from our agency is coming back!" Lana barked. "And if they do, odds are they're probably working for someone else."
"I hate to say this but Lana does have a point," Archer agreed. "And again you'd have to pay these people and since you barely pay us…"
"I'll have to make do with what I have," Mallory frowned. "Fine! Let's move on to Item Two!"
"Please tell me that it has nothing to do with us bringing in our own paper towels and toilet paper," Cyril groaned.
"No. That's Item Three. But since you've brought it up," Mallory began.
To this the office erupted into several loud shouts and protests. Mallory made a loud whistle to silence them. "Shut up! As you all know so very well this office is going through a severe cash crisis! The CIA only pays us for successful missions which there are barely any!"
"What about those freelance missions you sent us on?" Ray asked. "The ones we aren't supposed to speak of upon pain of death?"
"Two out of three secret freelance missions which obviously aren't a secret around here were successful," Mallory admitted. "And they did bring in some money. No thanks to you Sterling, Pam and Cheryl!"
"Ha! Archer failed his mission again! Big shock!" Lana scoffed.
"Even Cyril was more successful than you!" Ray snorted.
"Not exactly feeling that great about it…"Cyril moaned. "I think it will be a long time before I eat cake again."
"Oh like you never killed anyone before in your life!" Mallory rolled her eyes.
"Mostly by accident!" Cyril shouted.
"Now let's skip back to Item Two," Mallory snapped. "Before we have another accidental death!"
"Wait we didn't finish Item Three," Cheryl spoke up. "Or are we going back to it after Item Two?"
"Item Three is now Item Two and it's about the paper towels and toilet paper," Mallory explained. "And Item Two is now Item Three…So Item Three…"
"Wait are we still on the toilet paper?" Pam asked.
"That is rather confusing," Archer admitted.
"Bottom line, bring in your own toilet paper and paper towels!" Mallory shouted. "Now to the next item…"
"No! Wait! Hold on!" Everyone shouted.
Lana protested. "Mallory you can't expect us to bring in our own paper towels and toilet paper. Again."
"Look! We need to make cuts so it's either paper towels or alcohol! Which is it?" Mallory shouted at her staff.
The staff started to murmur to themselves. "Well when you put it like that…" Cyril admitted.
"Maybe bringing some things from home couldn't hurt?" Ray added.
"I like the four ply I have at home better," Archer agreed.
"Hey wait a second! Cheryl you got tons of stuff you get from your hotels! Can't you just you know?" Pam suggested. "Take some of your supplies to work?"
"Uh no," Cheryl gave her a look. "Those stupid guests cut into my profits enough as it is!"
"Well what if Mother gives you a small discount on those monthly protection payments?" Archer spoke up.
"What? No!" Mallory barked.
"Mother we need paper towels and toilet paper," Archer told her. "And honestly do you really want to rely on items gotten from this group?"
"You have a point," Mallory grumbled as she poured herself a drink. "I suppose we can work something out. But the rest of you should still bring in supplies just to be safe."
"That's…somewhat reasonable," Cyril sighed.
"What exactly is your definition of reasonable?" Lana gave him a look.
"Now to…The next item," Mallory caught herself. "For some reason our water bill is especially high! Does anyone have any idea why?"
"Uh…" The staff looked at each other.
FLASHBACK!
"WHOOO HOO! CANNONBALL!" Pam did a nude cannonball into the secret Japanese bath house behind the Janitor's Closet.
SPLASH!
"Pam this is a Japanese bath house! Not a pool!" Krieger snapped as he was soaked with water. He was inside the bath as well.
Something with a huge eyeball poked out of the water. "That goes for you too Blinky!" Krieger said.
FLASHBACK!
"Man these showers in the Men's locker are tight!" Pam smiled as she soaped up in a stall. "Love these new showerheads Krieger installed! I'm going to take all my showers in here! Every day!"
FLASHBACK!
"Man I do like taking an afternoon shower at work," Archer whistled as he entered the Men's showers wearing nothing but a white towel around his waist. "Really breaks up the day."
"Doesn't it?" Pam called out.
"PAM!" Archer shouted. "How many times have I told you to use the women's locker room?"
"Like I'm gonna listen to that?" Pam laughed. "Hey you wanna get soapy in the shower? I'll do your back if you do mine?"
"Eh…"Archer shrugged in agreement.
FLASHBACK!
"Do, do, do, do, do, de do de do dooo…" Krieger whistled as he filled up a rather large aquarium with a hose. Something with a tentacle popped out.
"That should do it for this tank," Krieger said. "One down, nine more to go!"
FLASHBACK!
"Water goes on. Water goes off," Cheryl was playing with the faucets in the women's bathroom. "Water goes on. Water goes off. Water goes on. Water goes off."
FLASHBACK!
"Ahh…I know I shouldn't shower so much at work but seriously this is the only time I can get a good one," Lana sighed as she got out of the shower wearing a towel. "What with the baby and all…"
"Yeah. Plus it's really refreshing to get an afternoon shower," Cheryl called out from her stall where she was soaping up. "It really breaks up the day."
"It does, doesn't it?" Lana realized.
FLASHBACK!
Ray was about to enter the men's room. Pam came out. "You might want to wait a minute Ray," She warned him. "I left a quadruple decker in at least two of the stalls."
"Two?" Ray was incredulous.
"Well let's just say one toilet wasn't enough for this job," Pam said as she left. "Last time I have the triple enchilada plate combo at Baja's."
"Ewww…" Ray winced as he opened the men's door and the odor hit his nose. "Forget this. I'll use the ones in the men's locker. Huh. Might as well take an afternoon shower while I'm at it. It would break up the day."
FLASHBACK!
"Boy pig intestines are really hard to flush down a toilet," Krieger grumbled as he flushed something down a toilet. "I may need to use more than one for this job."
He took a sniff. Then he sniffed his lab coat. "And I'm definitely going to have to take another shower today."
FLASHBACK!
"Water goes on, water goes off…" Cheryl played with the faucets some more. "I love the faucet game!"
FLASHBACK!
"I can't believe we never thought of this before," Cyril said as he folded his laundry in the laundromat that used to be a front for the agency.
"Yeah using our old agency's laundromat as an actual laundromat," Lana admitted. "Krieger you're a genius!"
"Oh it was nothing," Krieger waved. He was sitting in a chair wearing nothing but his underwear. "I really needed a place to wash the old blood stained lab coats. So I just hooked up a few pipes and hoses and bada-bing!"
"It's really convenient," Ray admitted as he folded his clothes. "At least I'm accomplishing something at work."
"And saving some money," Cyril added.
"Yeah getting our laundry done here for free rather than paying for it at a real laundromat does help with the expenses," Ray agreed.
"By the way does anyone know how to get pig intestine stains out of a lab coat?" Krieger asked.
"Ewww…" Cyril, Lana and Ray winced.
FLASHBACK!
"WATER BALOON FIGHTS!" Archer whooped as he ran around the showers holding some water balloons. He was wearing an insane grin and nothing else.
He then turned on all the showers at high steam. "Yeah! Nothing like some steam to cover my tracks!" Archer whooped.
He was then splashed with a water balloon from behind. "PAM!"
"HA HA HA HA!" A nude Pam ran through the steam holding water balloons.
"I'M GONNA GET YOU!" Archer shouted as he chased after her with his own water balloons.
FLASHBACK!
"Do, do, do, do…" Krieger filled up a bottle of tap water. Then he slapped a label on it. "There we go! Krieger Springs! I'm gonna make a fortune selling this to the sewer people! And anyone else I can sell it to."
He looked at several crates filled with several gallons of bottled water he had just bottled. "Yeah Daddy's gonna get himself a good gene slicer!"
FLASHBACK!
"LOCKER ROOM WATERSLIDE! YAHOOOO!" Archer whooped as he slid face down and nude on a long yellow plastic slip covered in water. "WHOA!
CRASH!
"Ugh…Maybe this wasn't one of my better ideas?" Archer groaned in pain since he had crashed into a set of lockers. "Ow…"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Uh…." Archer looked at the others. "I have no idea. Does anyone have any idea?"
"Not a clue," Lana said innocently.
"No idea," Krieger said. "Nope, nope, nope."
"Maybe the water company's raising their rates again?" Ray suggested.
"They do that a lot," Cyril agreed.
"Greedy bastards," Pam added.
"Water comes out of faucets right?" Cheryl asked.
"Never mind," Mallory groaned. "Should have known you idiots wouldn't be any help. Probably is the water company trying to gouge us again. Just try to keep the water usage to a minimum!"
"And now on to Item Four," Mallory went on.
"Just how many items are there?" Archer asked.
"Why is there somewhere else you need to be?" Mallory asked sarcastically. "Some trollop you need to do?"
"Probably," Archer shrugged.
"Item Four," Mallory took a deep breath as she looked at her list. "Lana apparently there's a petition going around about your breastfeeding."
"What? I don't breastfeed at the office!" Lana was stunned.
"I know. This petition is about you starting to," Mallory groaned. "Very vocally it calls for you to…and I am only quoting this vulgar little phrase…Whip them out whenever you want. No shame. Signed by Sterling, Cyril, Pam, Krieger…and for some reason Milton. In Sterling's handwriting."
"Oh for the love of…" Ray looked at Archer.
"What? Milton cares about infant health," Archer said sincerely.
"I'm not even going to bother to comment on this disgusting display of perversion which is a new low for you lot," Mallory growled.
"And yet you just did," Pam pointed out.
"Ugh. Just when I think you people can't be even more disgusting!" Lana barked.
"Hey Cheryl and I didn't sign the petition," Ray pointed out. "For obvious reasons."
"Yeah we've like seen your enormous gazongas like a dozen times already!" Cheryl snapped. "We get it! They're huge! Like your Trucka-saurus hands!"
"Keep it up Cheryl and I'll show you what my Trucka-saurus hands can do!" Lana barked.
"Ooh! Is that a promise you tease?" Cheryl purred.
"Moving on to Item Five," Mallory groaned. "You need to start bringing in your own pens and pencils as well. And if you can get some paper and bring it in that would be a good thing too."
"So now we have to bring in our own office supplies?" Cyril shouted.
"Well it's not like you have that much work to do anymore is it?" Mallory shouted. "Times are difficult. This office is barely functioning as it is! That money you lot earned from our missions that are both on and off the books is already almost gone!"
"How could you lose all that money already?" Ray asked.
"Oh I don't know Ramona," Mallory glared at him. "Little things like paying for electricity, heat, the ever increasing water bill…Not to mention I still had to finish paying for fixing and cleaning that damned elevator after you lot broke and defiled it!"
"Oh yeah that was our bad," Pam apologized.
"I'm still pissed about that whole…mosquito incident," Lana chose her words carefully.
"You're still angry about that?" Mallory snapped. "Why?"
"Well this place sure could use a good spraying," Archer remarked.
"You lied to us!" Ray snapped.
"Like that never happened before?" Mallory rolled her eyes. "What are you bitching about? At least you two got paid! Most of my money was in company stock! 'InGen's stock prices will only go up' John said! 'Guaranteed sure thing' he said! 'You'll be set for life' he said!"
"Is that the exterminator guy?" Archer asked.
Mallory ignored him. "Set for life my ass! If I ever see Hammond again I'll set him on fire! The shares his company crashed harder than a drunk oil tanker captain!"
"It sounds like the whole Betamax fiasco all over again," Cyril blinked.
"This makes that look like a weekend at the track!" Mallory snapped. "And as for the other mission I only got half the money I was promised. Apparently one of the two main targets survived!"
"What? How did that happen?" Krieger was stunned. "My bomb cake worked perfectly!"
"Bomb cake?" Archer blinked.
"Don't ask…" Cyril moaned.
"The failure wasn't on your end Krieger…" Mallory sighed. "For once. It was just a matter of timing."
FLASHBACK!
"I can't believe how late we are!" A well-dressed Italian mobster with well-groomed dark hair grumbled as he drove his Lexus. "This is all your fault Michele!"
"You know how important it is for me to look good Anthony!" A well-dressed Italian American woman with large curly dark hair in a bright red dress snapped.
"Six hours getting dressed? You don't need to look that good!" Anthony snapped. "Do you have any idea how much trouble I am going to be with the boss for being late? How disrespectful this is gonna look?"
"Oh please! Your boss has been married for thirty years! Something tells me he'll understand!" Michele waved.
"He'd better or else I'm in huge trouble," Anthony grumbled. "We are already late! I'm telling you Michele you and me are gonna have a talk about punctuality and damn boundaries after this party! You ever hear the phase 'Time is Money'?"
"You ever hear the phrase 'Happy Wife, Happy Life'?" Michele snapped.
"You gonna hear a few more phrases if I get in trouble!" Anthony snapped.
"Oh please! So we're a few minutes late! What's the worst that can happen?" Michele snapped as Antony pulled in the parking lot in the front.
KAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The two stared in shock as the entire building went up in flames. And body parts started to litter the ground.
"You are never gonna let me forget this are you?" Anthony groaned.
"What do you think?" Michele snapped. "Happy Wife…"
"Happy Life…" Anthony sighed as he looked at the burning building. "Literally…"
FLASHFORWARD!
"Long story short we may have inadvertently started a tiny mob war," Mallory waved. "So you lot may want to avoid Italian restaurants for a while. Just to be safe."
"Oh for crying…" Lana began. "Wait, how do you know what happened?"
"Someone had to cover up our tracks!" Mallory snapped. "I may have slipped the word who was technically responsible through a friend of a friend. That's all I'm going to say."
"And what if this 'friend' or the guy who hired us blabs about what happened?" Cyril shouted.
"I said I covered our tracks didn't I?" Mallory snapped.
FLASHBACK!
A black limo was by the side of the road in front of an Italian restaurant.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
And it went up in flames.
FLASHFORWARD!
"So in other words you blew up the guy who hired us and put the blame on the surviving mobster?" Archer groaned.
"Yes but on the up side no one knows of our involvement," Mallory said. "Down side…I literally blew up another bridge and contact we had. So there's no more money coming in from that golden goose!"
"And again the mob war we started," Lana groaned.
"On top of that I now have to pay taxes on this building because someone at the CIA blabbed!" Mallory bristled.
"Probably Slater," Archer spoke up. "You know that guy has it out for us!"
"Like he's the only one," Pam snorted.
"Item Six…" Mallory sighed as she looked at her paper. "Oh. This is some Intel I got the other night from one of my dwindling remaining contacts. It appears Roscoe Rimmer is dead. So that's one problem that took care of itself."
"How did this one die?" Ray asked with a sigh.
"Apparently he personally went on a job to bring down Rodney Whosits and he recognized him from the files he stole from us," Mallory explained. "Long story short...Rimmer's alligator chow."
"I thought Whosits stole guns and weapons?" Pam asked.
"He did. But he also thought it was a good idea to take a copy of our files," Mallory groaned. "In particular the list of everyone who either worked here or came across our agency. So he would know if anyone would try to infiltrate his deals."
"Smart plan," Lana blinked.
"Apparently he's also made a few connections and sales with some of our enemies from that list," Mallory groaned. "Which leads to Item Seven. Rodney Whosits is Public Enemy Number One! So if you all happen to see him or find out where the bastard is, kill him!"
"Duly noted," Archer nodded.
"No problems there for me," Lana folded her arms. "He was a douche."
"Good. Now to Item Eight…" Mallory looked at her list.
"Seriously, how many items do you have?" Archer spoke up.
"Shut up!" Mallory snapped. "Item Eight…I have been hearing some weird noises from the walls. It sounds like water running near the Janitor's closet."
"Really? I've never heard a thing," Pam said innocently.
"It's probably your imagination," Cyril said skillfully.
"Or a mild leak in the plumbing," Krieger added. "You know how sounds reverberate and stuff?"
"Maybe that's why the water bill is so high?" Cyril suggested. "Krieger can check that out."
"Yes. I can check it out but it's probably nothing," Krieger lied skillfully.
"Maybe she's hearing…?" Cheryl began.
"Nothing!" Pam quickly elbowed her. "She's hearing nothing!"
"OW! Your elbows are way sharper than the rest of your body!" Cheryl rubbed her side. "That hurts. Thank you…"
"Fine. Krieger check out the plumbing. On to Item Nine…" Mallory sighed. "This one is for you Pam. Cut down on the roughage. Your bowel movements are starting to put a strain on the toilets. Not to mention the smell…"
"What the hell did you eat yesterday anyway?" Cyril asked.
"For lunch I had two large shrimp curry salads with corn chips, two donuts, some leftover General Tso's chicken, a medium sized beer milkshake, and an apple," Pam told him.
"Eating light I see?" Mallory quipped.
"That was a mistake because a few hours later I was hungry again despite drinking a few cups of iced coffee…" Pam went on.
"After the beer milkshake?" Ray did a double take.
"Yeah that's when things started to literally and figuratively move," Pam admitted.
"I almost moved to another state when that smell leaked out of the bathroom!" Lana barked.
"I am starting to realize that also might be a factor in our water usage problem," Mallory groaned. "Now on to Item Ten…Pam I was going to tell you to stop spray painting the stalls of the men's toilets but considering how the smell of paint lessens the smell of your bowel movements…Let's just move on to Item Eleven."
"Seriously how many items do you have?" Archer spoke up.
"I have Shut Your Pie Hole Items!" Mallory snapped. "Item Eleven. Doctor Krieger I'm officially commissioning you to look into alternative energy sources for this building. Because the way things are going they might shut our power off by the end of next year!"
"Ooh! I have so many ideas for this!" Krieger spoke up cheerfully.
"And before you get too excited I am nixing nuclear power so no homemade reactors!" Mallory snapped.
"Aw man…" Krieger pouted.
"I already have enough problems with the EPA nosing around thanks to whatever god awful radioactive experiments!" Mallory shouted. "Which leads me to Item Twelve! No more experiments with radioactivity!"
"You say that every year," Krieger waved.
"And every year I mean it!" Mallory snapped. "And I also mean this…The subject of Item Thirteen. What the hell is Krieger Springs and why did I get a cease and desist order for it this morning?"
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Krieger blinked. He looked away shiftily. "I have no idea."
"Damn it Krieger if this is another one of your weird…drug addled scams," Mallory snarled.
"Hey! There are no drugs put into Krieger Springs water!" Krieger shouted. "Any drugs found it in were already there at the source! Uh…"
"You know what?" Mallory groaned. "I'm not even going to ask. Just stop it! Whatever it is, stop it before I find another stupid lawyer on my doorstep!"
"Aw man…" Krieger grumbled.
"And now onto Item Fourteen," Mallory grumbled. "Somebody do something to fix that stupid toaster machine! It's rolling around the office leaving toast all over the place! Do something about it or else I will fix the problem with a crowbar! Understand?"
"Yes…" Everyone groaned.
"Now we go to Item Fifteen with a question," Mallory said. "Whose idea was it for today to be Bring Your Ocelot To Work Day?"
Archer pointed to Cheryl. Cheryl pointed to Archer. Everyone else pointed at both Archer and Cheryl.
"Mr. Archer said Babou needs a change of scenery so…" Cheryl began.
"I should have known…" Mallory groaned.
"How did you know?" Archer asked. "We left Babou locked up in the break room!"
"Yes. I am aware of that," Mallory snarled. "The damn thing tried to kill me when I went in there to get a coffee!"
She then took her purse out from behind the desk and showed it to them. It had several scratch marks on it. And a few bite sized holes.
Cheryl laughed at the sight. "He, he, he, he…"
"It's not funny Cheryl!" Mallory snapped. "This was one of my favorite Coach handbags! They don't even make this style anymore! It's a collectable!"
"And now it's ocelot chow," Cheryl quipped.
Archer laughed. "Well now Babou finally found something he likes to play with."
"You think this is funny?" Mallory growled. "Well how's this for a laugh. I'm charging Cheryl extra money for this. And I'm taking a cut out of your paycheck Sterling!"
"What?" Archer barked.
"In fact everyone is getting a pay cut," Mallory said. "That's Item Sixteen. Fifteen percent for Sterling and ten percent for everyone else."
The staff then protested. "You can't do that! Give me a break! We need that money! I need that money! Oh man! Of all the selfish…"
"Why am I getting a fifteen percent pay cut and they're only getting ten?" Archer shouted as he pointed at the others.
"Uh maybe because your mommy isn't paying our bills?" Pam snapped. "Or setting us up in a sweet penthouse?"
"Not to mention you're probably a complete disappointment to her," Cyril remarked. "And she's trying to teach you a lesson."
"He's not wrong there," Mallory agreed. "Actually Cyril you're pretty much on the nose with that one!"
"MOTHER!" Archer gasped.
"Stop complaining! You lot are lucky to have jobs period!" Mallory shouted. "Money is tight around here and we need to cut corners!"
"And what sacrifices are you making?" Lana folded her arms. "No, wait…Let me guess. You're cutting back on your furrier."
"For your information Missy I haven't bought a new fur in almost two years!" Mallory huffed. "Ever since our cartel/coup/country music fiasco began. I haven't had any new furs for almost two seasons!"
"Didn't you like steal at least three fur coats from San Marcos?" Cheryl asked.
"Yes but they are several seasons old!" Mallory bristled. "Almost completely out of style!"
"Oh how you've suffered," Ray quipped.
"That's not the only sacrifice I've made, Raya De Man Whore!" Mallory snapped. "I've had to give up my membership at one of my women's clubs!"
"Was this before or after you were caught making a pass at the Vice President's husband during your open marriage phase?" Ray asked.
"And I have cut down on going out to eat at restaurants and lunches!" Mallory added. "You see me at work all the time! I barely go out anymore!"
"I know. It's harder to take a nap and goof off when you're here," Cheryl groaned.
"I've given up going to 21 altogether," Mallory added. "Their prices are just too high!"
"Was this before or after you and Ron got into that big fight and you threw that Spring Pea Risotto Surprise at him?" Pam asked. "And the risotto flew everywhere and one pea somehow got stuck in that guy's ear?"
"I don't take any cruises anymore," Mallory went on.
"You hate cruises!" Lana barked. "No big loss!"
"I've had to cut my maid service to once a week!" Mallory protested. "I've even had to do some of my own dusting!"
"It must be such a hardship for you," Cyril said sarcastically.
"I couldn't afford to buy a new mahogany office desk to replace this piece of crap I have right now!" Mallory snapped. "I can't replace the Turkish rug that needs replacing in my hallway! I've wanted to redecorate for months but I can't afford it!"
"I'm lucky to afford things like heat, water and other luxuries…" Ray growled.
"I've cut down on my tipping immensely," Mallory went on.
"What the price of potatoes went up again?" Archer asked.
"Not every servant or service person is Irish! Ass!" Mallory snapped. "In fact there are a lot fewer of them than there used to be."
"Still you're not exactly known for your generous tipping in the first place," Archer pointed out. "You gave a dime to your doorman for a Christmas Bonus!"
"Those dimes add up!" Mallory snapped.
"Yeah one dime a year for like five years," Archer rolled his eyes. "He earned fifty whole cents before he quit his job and became a garbage man."
"How much does that job pay?" Cyril asked.
"Ron made me cut down my limo driver expenses to their lowest pricing plan," Mallory sniffed. "I can barely hold my head up in high society!"
"I can barely afford gas for my car!" Ray gave her a look.
"And mine! My El Camino is a real gas guzzler," Archer admitted.
"I know! I'm the one who pays for your gas money as well as your car insurance!" Mallory snapped.
"Cars have insurance?" Archer blinked. "Since when?"
Mallory went on. "As you can imagine I have other expenses I have to deal with! And don't get me started on the high price of 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets for my bed!"
"Don't get me started on how I have to sneak into hotels and steal sheets for my bed," Pam gave her a look.
"Wait you said you had to do that for a scavenger hunt?" Cheryl asked her.
"It was. A scavenger hunt for me to get new sheets," Pam said honestly.
"And you were looking for them in the laundry room of the Tuntmore Hotel?" Cheryl asked.
"Exactly," Pam nodded.
"Couldn't you have at least taken the clean sheets instead of the dirty ones?" Cheryl asked.
"EWWWWW!" Everyone else winced.
"I washed them before I put them on my bed! Jesus!" Pam snorted.
"Moving on…I never go to the Opera anymore," Mallory added clearly trying to steer the conversation away from Pam as much as possible.
"Well since you and Ron got kicked out at least twice…" Ray remarked.
"Twice? I know about the cracker incident the first time. When was the second?" Archer asked.
"They got into one of their discussions a while back during the first act," Krieger explained.
"How do you know this?" Archer looked at Krieger.
"Guess what they were discussing?" Ray remarked.
FLASHBACK!
In the opera theatre the first act was going on. And in one of the balconies…
"Jazz hands!" Krieger made jazz hands as he watched. He was wearing a tuxedo.
"Krieger for the last time there are no jazz hands in opera!" Mallory hissed. She was wearing a fancy black dress.
"Why did you bring him here?" Ron asked. He was wearing a white tuxedo. "This is supposed to be our date night!"
"Because I was stupid enough to put in his contract a mandatory evening out at least three nights a year," Mallory hissed. "Mostly it was to teach Sterling a lesson."
"A lesson about what?" Ron snapped.
"Oh who remembers?" Mallory shrugged.
"Jazz hands!" Krieger made jazz hands again.
"I knew it was a mistake to take him to see the Wiz," Mallory groaned.
"The movie or the play?" Ron asked.
"Both," Mallory grumbled. "What do you care? You always complain how you have no one to talk to at these things and now you do!"
"I'd rather have my crackers. I'm hungry," Ron grumbled.
"And I told you I wasn't going to have a repeat of the last time! So shut it!" Mallory snapped. "Not one more word out of you!"
"SQUEEEEEEE!"
"Ron!" Mallory snapped.
"That wasn't me!" Ron shouted. "Hey is there something glowing running down the aisle down there? Is that part of the show?"
"Oh dear Christ no…" Mallory recognized what was happening.
"Piggly! Quiet down! I want to see the jazz hands!" Krieger shouted. "And I told you to wait in the van!"
"SQUEEEEEE!"
"AAAAAAHHH!"
"And I especially told you to not rush the actors on stage or bite people!" Krieger shouted. "Bad radioactive pig! Bad radioactive pig!"
"This is the Secret Agent Awards Dinner all over again…"Mallory groaned.
"I'm not allowed to bring crackers but he can bring that?" Ron shouted.
"Keep it up Ron next time I bring my divorce attorney!" Mallory shouted.
"BRING ON THE JAZZ HANDS!" Krieger shouted.
"And here come the ushers…" Mallory groaned as people ran in panic. "And all the idiots with their cellphones that just have to take a picture!"
"This wouldn't have happened if you let me bring my crackers," Ron gave her a look.
"Oh blow it out your ass Ron!" Mallory shouted.
FLASHFORWARD!
"How long are you banned from the opera?" Archer asked.
"I don't want to talk about it," Mallory grumbled as she took a drink. "I never want to talk about it."
"Just like the Secret Agent Awards Dinner huh?" Ray asked.
"Pretty much, yes," Mallory groaned. "Only slightly less blood and nobody died."
"And still no Jazz hands," Krieger sighed.
"The point is I don't go out much and it counts! And I hardly go shopping anymore for clothes and jewelry!" Mallory protested. "I mean look at these pearls! It feels like I've worn them forever!"
"Oh boo freaking hoo!" Pam snapped. "I'm considering letting the power company cut off my electricity and just go camping in my own apartment in order to save money!"
"I've been to your apartment," Archer said. "Lack of light can only help."
"I'm thinking of making a compost heap in a used toilet on the fire escape," Pam added.
"Again I've seen your apartment," Archer quipped. "The whole place is practically a compost heap!"
"I've had to cut my own personal spending at least fifty percent!" Mallory protested.
"That's because you get by on Ron's money!" Archer snapped. "You leech off him like…some kind of leech. Thing."
"Really?" Mallory raised an eyebrow. "You're going to make that argument?"
"Paging Irony. Doctor Irony on Line One!" Ray quipped.
"You're not exactly the best person to put forth that particular statement," Cyril agreed.
"It would be more believable for me to get diet advice from Pam!" Mallory argued.
"Simple! Develop a cocaine addiction and watch the pounds fall right off!" Pam spoke up.
Mallory pointed at Pam. "See?"
"As long as we're making up items and insane demands I have one of my own!" Archer snapped. "You aren't allowed to have sex with Ron in your office on Mother's Day!"
"Oh for God's sake Sterling grow up!" Mallory snapped.
"I don't think I want to know about this one…" Cyril groaned.
"And if you do have to have sex in your office make sure it's not early in the morning on Mother's Day when I won't have to see you!" Archer snapped. "I thought I'd pop in before I left for home to put the flowers and candy on your desk so I could surprise you! But I was the one who got the surprise!"
FLASHBACK!
"Mother is going to love this when she sees this in the morning," Archer smirked as he walked into the office carrying a dozen red roses and a huge heart shaped box of chocolates. "I'll put them on her desk so she'll get a surprise."
The real surprise was when Archer opened the door.
Ron was standing there wearing only a sleeveless white T-shirt and a pair of boxer shorts. Mallory was wearing her pearls, some strategically placed whipped cream and nothing else.
"Here comes the cherry…" Mallory purred as she began to feed it to Ron from the glass she was holding. "And you know where that's been!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed at the top of his lungs. He covered his eyes with his sleeve.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Mallory and Ron shouted.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer screamed some more.
"Sterling Mallory Archer what the hell are you doing here?" Mallory shouted with all the dignity she could muster. Considering the whipped cream was starting to drip that was quite a feat.
"I came here to leave off a surprise for Mother's Day tomorrow!" Archer shouted. "Technically it's today but I was going to put this on your desk so you would see it! But instead I'm seeing this!"
"It's Mother's Day already? I thought that was next week?" Mallory blinked.
"Sorry Sterling. We were just trying to spice up our marriage and…" Ron remarked. Archer then noticed he was holding a can of whipped cream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Archer screamed as he threw down the flowers and candy box and ran out of the room.
"Oh give a rest Sterling!" Mallory snapped. "It's not like you haven't walked on me with another man before!"
"Boy that's a mood killer," Ron groaned. "Wait. How many times has this happened and with who?"
"Technically I believe it's with whom," Mallory corrected.
"Mallory…" Ron growled. "Answer the question…"
"Uhh…." Mallory tried to stall.
"No! Wait! You don't deserve candy!" Archer ran in, picked up the box and ran out screaming. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
"And I thought Gillette was a drama queen," Mallory grumbled.
FLASHFORWARD!
"He tells us about it anyway and I know about it," Cyril groaned.
"Is that why the candy box you gave me was dented?" Lana asked Archer. "That also explains the whimpering."
"Once again my mother scars me for life! Thank you very much for my new round of nightmares!" Archer snapped at his mother.
"And thank you for being a buzzkill on my love life," Mallory growled back.
"Wow she really loves the whipped cream doesn't she?" Cyril whispered to the others.
Archer heard this and whacked Cyril hard on the head. "OW!" Cyril cried out.
"Hey it's not Cyril's fault your mom is such a freak!" Pam snapped.
"This from the Queen of the Freaks?" Mallory barked. "Oh wait…" She looked at Ray.
"You know…?" Ray snarled.
"HA!" Pam snorted.
"What are you laughing at? He took your title!" Cheryl looked at Pam.
"How about I take your front teeth?" Pam threatened Cheryl.
"YAY!" Cheryl giggled as she tackled Pam.
Pam accidentally elbowed Archer in the head. Archer then started to curse and fight Pam and then accidentally hit Ray and Cyril. Then Cyril and Ray got in on the act. Somehow then Krieger and Lana got into the fight and before you could say 'CIA Spy Agency' the entire staff was fighting.
"It never fails…" Mallory groaned. "At least once a month…"
She then blew a loud whistle.
The whistle stopped them. "OW! EARBALLS!" Cheryl put her hands on her ears.
"BREAK IT UP YOU IDIOTS!" Mallory shouted.
"Archer started it," Pam grumbled as they all untangled themselves.
"Did not!" Archer barked.
"Item Seventeen!" Mallory shouted. "The teamwork in this office, or should I say lack of it!"
"We haven't finished discussing Item Sixteen yet!" Lana protested.
"Obviously we have," Mallory snapped. "And it's just as obvious you morons can't do anything right! Something needs to be done."
"Not another team building exercise," Cyril groaned.
"God no! I learned that is about as effective as a Do Not Be Stupid sign around Cheryl!" Mallory snapped.
"Wait. Where exactly is this sign? Because I haven't seen it," Cheryl spoke up.
"Do you want me to set up the electroshock therapy again?" Krieger asked.
"NO!" Everyone shouted.
"Did I not just say we need to cut down around here?" Mallory shouted. "The last time we tried that route not only did it nearly kill us I got a huge electric bill!"
"So what are you proposing exactly?" Lana folded her arms.
"Well since drastic measures short of a microchips in the brain are in order…" Mallory sighed. "Mostly because I'm not sure most of you have brains…A corporate retreat on team working with professional team working experts might be the solution."
This earned several groans and complaints. "Pass!" Archer called out.
"Mallory you do remember what happened the last time we all went on a corporate retreat?" Lana sighed.
FLASHBACK!
A quiet little chalet somewhere in the mountains of Montana…
KAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Turned into a white hot ball of flame, splinters and ashes.
FLASHFORWARD!
"How was I supposed to know that retreat was a trap set up by the KGB?" Mallory shouted.
"Not that one!" Lana corrected. "That one was the one before the last one! Remember?"
"Oh right," Mallory thought. "The last one was in Maine. Not Montana…"
FLASHBACK…
A quiet little cabin in the middle of the Maine woods.
KAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Also turned into a white hot ball of flame, splinters and ashes.
FLASHFORWARD!
"To be fair the ends of both trips were rather similar," Ray pointed out.
"Yeah but that last one was my bad," Krieger admitted. "But the one we went to Martha's Vineyard wasn't!"
"How many times do I have to apologize for the fire?" Archer barked.
"Once would be nice!" Cyril snapped.
"Not gonna happen," Archer admitted.
"The closest thing we ever had to a successful retreat was San Marcos," Lana said. "And do I really need to remind you how that ended?"
"No, you don't…" Mallory sighed.
"And do you remember how much in damages you had to pay for each time we went on a corporate retreat?" Ray added.
"Oh dear God…I do now!" Mallory went white. "If we go on one more retreat like Maine I may end up going bankrupt! Okay! Forget Item Seventeen for now! Item Eighteen!"
"How many items are there? Seriously?" Archer barked. "Give me a number here!"
"Here's a number! Item Eighteen! We're running out of coffee and other supplies in the breakroom," Mallory went on. "Sterling you need to get some."
"Why do I have to do it?" Archer snapped.
"Besides the fact that I said so?" Mallory snapped. "Process of elimination. Lana and Ray would just bring in that fair trade crap they like. Pam would just bring in crap period! Cyril would bring in that wussy decaf coffee that's barely more than glorified tap water. Cheryl wouldn't bring in anything."
"She's right. I wouldn't," Cheryl spoke up.
"And Krieger…God knows what he'd bring in so…" Mallory sighed. "It's your job Sterling. Just refill the damn coffee and whatever else we need."
"Who do I look like? Woodhouse?" Archer shouted. "By the way has anyone seen Woodhouse? Anyone at all? I'm seriously asking."
"Onto Item Nineteen…" Mallory looked at her list.
"Ugh! How many stupid ass things are on your stupid ass list?" Cheryl snapped.
"Only a few more!" Mallory snapped. "Then you can go back to destroying the only brain cell you have left! Item Nineteen…"
"Speaking of lists…" Pam spoke up. "I'm still doing the company newsletter. I'd like to know what your favorite sexual positions are so if you could all just jot them down and send them to me via e-mail…"
"Why do you need to know that?" Ray barked.
"Curiosity mostly," Pam shrugged. "And to compare notes."
"Item Nineteen!" Mallory shouted. "Krieger what sick twisted party did you have in your lab last night?"
"It wasn't a party," Pam spoke up. "We were practicing for the Pumpkin Chunkin'."
"Oh dear God don't tell me you're going to do that again?" Ray shouted.
"What's a Pumpkin Chunkin'?" Lana asked.
"It's that thing where they use machines to see how far you can throw a pumpkin," Archer explained. "How do you not know that?"
"How do you know that?" Lana asked.
"I helped film their test runs," Archer explained.
FLASHBACK!
In Krieger's lab…
"All right Pam! Fire when ready!" Krieger called out.
On Pam's shoulder was a huge silver bazooka like object. The end of it had a face that looked eerily like Pam's. Its open mouth had a huge pumpkin in it. "Hasta La Vista Pumpkin!" Pam whooped as she aimed at a large target on the wall.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
SPLORSH!
"WHOOOOO!" Pam whooped at the mess on the wall. "That is one plastered pumpkin!"
"Now do you want to join me in getting plastered Pumpkin?" Krieger quipped in his Groucho Marx imitation.
"Man that is…Wait, I had something for this," Archer frowned as he held the camera. "Uh…"
"That squash is squashed!" Pam whooped.
"Damn it Pam!" Archer protested. "Wait I had something else…"
"Bring on PumpkIndependence Day!" Krieger shouted. "WHOOO!"
"Damn it Krieger!" Archer barked.
"I got your 2nd Amendment right here!" Pam whooped.
"Pam!" Archer barked. "God damn it!"
"You mean Gourd damn it!" Pam snickered.
"Wow you're really getting all the gourd ones," Krieger said.
"Damn it!" Archer groaned. "But seriously that thing can do some damage!"
"It's not just the Poovey Pumpkin Plaster 300," Pam explained as she patted the device on her shoulder. "You need to have the right pumpkin too."
"It's just a matter of finding the perfect ration of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter," Krieger explained. "Which is easy as Pumpkin Pi!"
"Okay now it's my turn!" Archer put down the camera and went to grab the pumpkin launcher. "Give it to me!"
"No way! You can't handle this much Pam Power!" Pam pushed him away.
"Yes I can! Give it! Give it!" Archer tried to grab it.
"Okay you big baby," Pam shrugged. She then handed it to Archer.
He nearly fell to the floor with its weight. "Damn it! What kind of metal is in this?" Archer shouted as he struggled to hold it. "That stuff Thor's hammer is made out of?"
"Let me load that for ya," Pam hefted a huge pumpkin.
"Uh wait a second…" Archer was starting to suspect that this wasn't one of his better ideas. "Pam, wait! Hold on! Pam!"
Pam ignored him and shoved the pumpkin into her likeness' mouth. "Lock and load!"
Archer could barely stand before the pumpkin was loaded. "AAAAAAAHHH!" He fell backwards.
KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
SPLORSH!
"Wow…That baby has some serious recoil…" Archer moaned as he lay on the floor. "Owww…"
"Archer you're supposed to aim at the target," Krieger reminded him.
"Owwwww…." Archer moaned where he lay.
"Told ya you couldn't handle it," Pam scoffed. "You pumpkin pussy!"
"Wow, we are really going to get ants now," Krieger remarked as pieces of pumpkin dripped from the ceiling.
FLASHFORWARD!
"That explains all the orange stains and pumpkin seeds in your lab," Ray admitted.
"Uh not all of the orange stains were made from pumpkins," Krieger admitted. "Just the majority of them."
"Which appropriately leads me to Item Twenty…" Mallory sighed as she took a piece of paper out from her desk. "This is an injunction officially barring the both of you from this year's competition!"
"Aw man," Krieger pouted.
"Yes another little surprise waiting for me when I got out of my apartment this morning," Mallory grumbled. "There were more process servers at my place than at Gordon Gekko's house!"
"What did you do?" Cyril asked with a sigh.
"Uh…." Pam began. "We got a little bit carried away."
FLASHBACK!
"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Pam cackled as she fired from her Poovey Pumpkin Plaster 3000. Which took out several contestants.
"CHARGE!" Krieger laughed as his van with a metal pumpkin cannon on top drove wildly around a huge field. The cannon shot out several pumpkins which destroyed several catapults.
KA-SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Four score and seven seasons ago!" Krieger called out as he wreaked havoc on the other competitors and their weapons. "Our fore-farmers brought forth upon this continent a new pumpkin weapon…conceived in my lab and dedicated to kick ass!"
KA-SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"I love the smell of pumpkin guts in the morning!" Pam laughed as she continued her attack.
This was to the shock of several spectators. One in particular who had been both literally and figuratively dragged along to watch.
"I gave up Sunday Brunch at the Snug for this?" Ray groaned as he watched from his wheelchair at the top of a hill.
FLASHFORWARD!
"Well at least nobody died," Krieger said. "That time."
"Moving on to Item Twenty One…" Mallory sighed. "And yes this is the last item!"
"Hooray!" Archer said sarcastically.
"The CIA wants us all to complete some forms this afternoon," Mallory sighed. "Mostly evaluation crap and…" She looked around. "Where are the forms? They were on my desk."
"Oh is that what those were?" Cheryl asked.
"What did you do with them?" Mallory glared at her.
"I put them down in the break room for Babou," Cheryl said.
"WHAT?" Mallory yelled.
"Well it's not like there's a litterbox or anything in there!" Cheryl explained.
"And judging by the smell of ocelot piss that was in the break room I'm guessing those forms are already ruined!" Mallory groaned.
"Yeah Babou does like to spray stuff," Archer snorted with laughter. "And he kind of tore some of those papers up already so…"
"Great! I get to tell Hawley that an ocelot ate our homework!" Mallory said sarcastically.
"And took a dump on it," Pam added.
"Just when I think you idiots can't annoy me over the limit of annoyance that you have pushed me…" Mallory squeezed the bridge of her nose with her fingers. "YOU TOP YOURSELVES!"
"Told you it was a bad idea to bring Babou," Ray said to Cheryl.
"Not really. We got out of doing forms," Archer shrugged.
"Yes instead you get to clean up after that stupid cat!" Mallory shouted. "New Item Twenty Two! Sterling and Cheryl clean up the breakroom and get that stupid ocelot out of here! This is a god damn spy agency! Not a zoo! Animals don't belong in this building!"
"We crossed that line when we let Archer in here!" Pam laughed.
"I thought it was when we let Pam in the office!" Cheryl snickered.
"Oh no wait, it was when we let you in the office!" Pam glared at Cheryl.
"Or Lana with those huge monstrous Trucka-saurus hands!" Cheryl added.
"Trucka-saurus is a machine! Not an animal!" Ray snapped.
"You would know," Archer quipped.
"Really? You're going there?" Ray gave Archer a look.
"I know right?" Cyril asked.
"What does that supposed to mean?" Archer snapped.
"You slept with a freaking cyborg with a god damn vibrating vagina!" Lana added.
"It vibrates?" Cyril did a double take.
"Oh yeah," Krieger nodded. "I've got the test runs on video in my lab. I gotta show them to you."
"Cool!" Cyril said.
"No!" Archer snapped at the same time.
"What do you care? You're not doing her anymore!" Pam snapped. "Although a vibrating vagina does sound pretty interesting…"
"You said you had those tapes in your lab?" Cyril asked.
To this Archer responded by hitting Cyril. Then got up and hit Krieger. Then Pam jumped on Archer and started to hit him. Cheryl squealed and tackled Cyril. Ray went to help Cyril and Lana went to try and separate Pam and Archer.
Before anyone could say 'vibrating vagina' they were all fighting for the second time that day in Mallory's office.
By this time Mallory had had it.
"I was wrong," Mallory stormed out of her office. "This is a zoo and they're all animals!"