Gift for TheLilyoftheValley, as well as the RaC community (but mostly Lily). :)
Anyway, I kinda felt like "A Day At the Imperial Fight Festival" wasn't as great as it could have been. Yes, it had some great laughs (and I'm not taking it down if that's what you're thinking), but I feel like it had more comedic potential. This is the result. I still think it could be better, but I think I did a decent job.
Please enjoy!
. . .
It was an ordinary day for Lawrence. At least, it started out that way. He walked into the laundry room with an empty basket and opened the dryer. Ironically the first thing he pulled out was a pair of Nefarious' underwear. The butler sighed tiredly and tossed the undergarment in the basket. He reached into the dryer to pull out a T-shirt when the evil doctor himself violently kicked open the door, carrying a small luggage in his clawed hands.
Lawrence winced, as that door had just been replaced last week. "Is there something you need, sir?"
"Yes, Lawrence!" Nefarious replied, throwing the luggage towards the butler, who barely managed to catch it. "I need you to pack your things! We're going to the Imperial Fight Festival!"
I shouldn't have asked, Lawrence thought. "Are you certain that's wise, sir? Captain Qwark became the new host after that last one died of eating raw Drophyd. Those things are like puffer fish-"
"That's why there's this thing called a 'disguise,' you moron," Nefarious growled in annoyance. "And I don't give a Markazian's tail about puffer fish."
Lawrence raised an eyebrow at Nefarious' latest statement. "I see, sir. When do we leave?"
"Now, obviously. Oh, and don't you dare forget my wallet! The last thing we need is to get to the Festival and not have bolts to pay ticket fees! And I also wanna blow money at the gift shop." Nefarious waltzed out of the room before Lawrence could even respond.
The butler stood there for a moment, then muttered, "I'm surprised he didn't consider how expensive staying in a hotel at the Imperial Fight Festival can be."
Soon they were all packed and ready to leave. Well, Lawrence was, anyway. He wearing the outfit he normally wore for band practice, wig and all, and already had his and Nefarious' luggages stowed away in the ship.
The reason they weren't exactly ready to go was because Nefarious couldn't decide what he wanted to wear for his disguise. And Lawrence, who was waiting outside his boss's room, was growing impatient. "Sir, if we don't leave soon, we'll be stuck in stellar traffic for hours."
"Just give me a minute!" Nefarious called through the door.
"Sir, you've gone through ten outfits so far- the Cowboy Doctor, the Gangster Doctor..."
"Shut up, Lawrence and help me out here! Should I wear the Bat Doctor or the-"
"If you want my opinion, perhaps we can wear matching outfits?" Lawrence asked. "You could be the drummer."
"Fine, I'm going with the Casual Doctor!" Nefarious came out after a moment wearing a light blue hoodie with a picture of a hoverboard, a pair of jeans, and green sneakers. "Satisfied?!"
"Yes, although one of my wigs would most certainly improve the colour scheme," Lawrence replied.
"I'm not putting on one of your stupid wigs. Now let's go before I change my mind!"
. . .
Planet Mukow, Imperial Fight Festival
Nefarious hopped out eagerly and stretched his limbs (a squishy habit he failed to break, though he would never admit it). Lawrence stepped of the ship as well, sighing tiredly. Nefarious turned to his butler. "You have my wallet, right? You didn't forget it?"
Lawrence nodded. "Yes, I have it, sir."
"Alright!" Nefarious shouted, jumping up and down with glee. That drew some curious spectators, who were trying to figure out why he looked familiar. "Let's go blow some bolts and then see squishies get beheaded! Hahahahaha!"
The doctor ran off to the nearest gift shop, leaving his bored butler to wonder if this had really been a good idea. "Oh dear," Lawrence murmured. "At this rate, I had better keep him away from the grog stands."
When he entered the gift shop his boss had raced in moments before, Lawrence was relieved to see the place wasn't in shambles.
Nefarious did however buy practically everything in the gift shop, from astronaut toilet paper to Captain Qwark sticker sheets. Lawrence stood idly by, watching his boss jump up and down on the sticker sheets in glee. The other customers, seeing this, quietly left, disturbed by the odd scene.
"IN YOUR FACE, QWARK!" Nefarious shrieked.
"Is he... you know?" the Cazar cashier pointed at her head and made a twirling gesture with her finger.
"Oh, yes, it's a family trait... on his mother's side, I believe," Lawrence replied.
"What?" Nefarious asked, oblivious as to who or what they were talking about. He kicked aside the last sticker sheet. "What's a family trait on who's mother's side?"
"Sir," Lawrence spoke, completely ignoring Nefarious' question, "the next fight is starting in ten minutes. If you're done... 'shopping,' I suggest we be moving on."
"Yes! Let's see those squishies get vaporised!"
"Squishies?" the cashier asked in confusion.
"You don't want to know," Lawrence told her. "Really. You don't."
Nefarious was even more giddy by the time they got to their seats. "Oooh! I can't wait! Aren't you excited, Lawrence?"
Lawrence sighed in boredom. "Yes, sir. I am very excited indeed."
No, he wasn't excited in the slightest. Lawrence would have rather been at band practice or dusting the living room or even playing cards with Lord Vorselon than this.
Nefarious immediately frowned, squinting down at the arena. "Wait... is that Ratchet... wearing a mustache and glasses? Or is that a Cazar with a weird outfit?"
Lawrence replied," It is indeed Ratchet. And Clank."
"ANNIHILATE THEM! ANNIHILATE THEM BOTH!" Nefarious shrieked loudly as the first few enemies entered the arena. Some of the spectators turned around and glared at him, thoroughly annoyed. He looked back at them in puzzlement. "What?"
"Perhaps you should contain your excitement a little, sir," Lawrence told him.
"Oh, please, they're squishies!" Nefarious replied before going back to cheering on the enemies. "Come on! Kill them! Kill them both!"
A certain Plumber sitting in front looked back at them. "Do you mind? I'm trying to watch this!"
"Get used to it," Nefarious retorted. "I don't get bossed around by stupid organic lifeforms like you."
The Plumber looked at him more closely, as though he was trying to figure out something. "Right... well, see you in about three years." He looked back down at the arena, no longer paying any mind to Nefarious.
Nefarious leaned over to Lawrence and whispered, "That is one weird squishy..."
"I agree," Lawrence commented. Which is a first.
. . .
Later...
Lawrence frowned as he felt his pockets while they exited the Festival. "Sir..."
"Yes, Lawrence?" a grumpy Nefarious replied. While he did get to see plenty of "squishy guts" from all those Drophyd bodies in the arena, he didn't get to see Ratchet and Clank get ripped to shreds like he hoped. Needless to say, he was very much disappointed.
"I believe I lost your wallet, sir."
Nefarious stopped, slowly turned around, and stared at Lawrence, his eye twitching with warning of what was to come. "What did you say?"
"I lost our wallet," Lawrence repeated, knowing that the explosion was going to come any second now.
Nefarious clenched his fists, barely containing the rage that was boiling up in his circuitry. Finally the robotic doctor broke and screeched as loud as his vocal processors would allow, "LAAAAAAAAWRRR-" And the usual happened.
"Oh, Janice! Say you'll never leave me for that jerk Englebert!"
"I won't, Lance, I promise!"
Lawrence promptly shoved Nefarious into the ship, still letting the broadcast play. "I am dreadfully sorry, sir, but I'm afraid that we can't retrieve the wallet. The Imperial Fight Festival is extremely large, and last I checked, wallets are very... well... small."
Meanwhile, Qwark was busy cleaning up his desk at the concession stand when a certain Cazar cashier approached him, holding a wallet. "Mister-"
"You mean Captain," Qwark interrupted rather rudely. "I didn't stop a dam from breaking with just my finger to be called 'Mister.'"
The cashier regarded him a moment, somewhat bewildered by the statement. Then she said, "Captain Qwark, sir, one of my customers dropped this on the way out of the gift shop. I found it on the floor a few minutes ago when I was closing up for the night." She handed it to him.
"Why, thank you, madam!" Qwark replied, smiling. "You've done a great service to the community! Your vigilance is both admirable and quadrilateral!"
The cashier just shook her head before walking away. "Another day, another weirdo."
Qwark snatched the microphone at his desk, looked at the ID in the wallet, and called, "Will a 'Dr. Nefarious' please report to the concession stand; we recovered your wallet!" Qwark's smile quickly turned into a frown as he looked back at the ID. Nefarious' picture was as clear as day. "Oh... dear... Orvus..."
THE END