New Hope
Remus Lupin could not remember ever having been so tired in his whole life. He had been wondering around London for three days, thinking, talking things over in his mind. He had two options, neither of which was very appealing to him. He would have most preferred to go along with Harry, Ron, and Hermione, to accompany and protect them on their quest, but, no, that privilege had already been denied him.
His first option was simply to go home. He could beg Tonks to take him back, hope that her father and mother wouldn't murder him, and continue to hope that maybe, possibly, their child would not turn out like him. But, this option made his stomach turn. He would be endangering Tonks and her family if he returned, he continuously reminded himself. He would be forcing his presence on people who clearly didn't want him around. He could hurt them, in more ways than one.
His second option was even less appealing. He could simply go on the run. Others had already done so, hiding in other countries or in forests or mountains. But, he had no tent, no supplies, no clothes, no means of protecting himself, other than his wand. Then again, he wondered what difference it would really make if he did die?
The full moon the previous evening had been a hard one. He'd had nowhere to go, no one to make a wolfsbane potion for him, and no people to bite. He had incased himself in an alleyway, trying to hide from others, hoping that he magical barriers he had put up would keep him unable to attack any of the innocent, untainted people on the nearby streets. A wound which he had inflicted upon himself in his weren form bled freely from his leg. It was painful, but he had sustained much worse before, and, overall, he counted himself lucky.
His decision to return home, to the Tonks family home, he had to admit was made mostly because of the miserable state he was in. He hadn't eaten or slept since leaving for Grimmauld Place, and the wound on his leg hadn't been getting any better. He had never been good at mending wounds, try as he might.
He knocked at the front door, and, a moment later, he could hear Ted's urgent voice.
"Who is it? Declare yourself!"
"It is I, Remus," he replied. "I'm the husband of Nymphadora and the father of her child."
The door was flung open immediately. Ted Tonks stood, glaring at him, his wand pointed directly at Remus' face.
"What else do you want me to say to prove my identity?" Remus asked, annoyed.
"Oh, I believe it's you, all right. I just haven't decided if I'm going to let scum like you into my home or not," Ted snarled. Remus sighed, completely misinterpreting his father-in-law's comment. It was not because he was a werewolf that Ted detested him; it was because he had walked out on Ted's daughter.
"Please," Remus implored, "just let me talk to Dora. I don't have anywhere else to go." Ted stood aside, still glaring.
"She's in the kitchen with Andromeda," he snapped, turning and walking towards the other end of the house.
Remus walked to the kitchen. Andromeda was at the stove, stirring a large cauldron, which could easily have been either potion or stew. You never could tell in Andromeda's household.
Tonks was seated at the kitchen table, her elbow propped up on its surface, her head resting in the palm of her hand; she stared silently out the window. She had clearly spent a great deal of time crying over the last few days, as her face was swollen and puffy and her hair hung limp and mouse-brown.
Remus cleared his throat softly. Andromeda turned around, her eyes widening as she caught sight of him. They narrowed in dislike a moment later, and Remus was suddenly startled by her resemblance to her sisters.
"It seems you have a visitor, Dora," the older woman said, her voice cold. She turned and left the room, sweeping regally past her son-in-law, who could not bring himself to look her in the eye.
Tonks looked around blearily, her eyes unfocused. When she caught sight of Remus, she gasped, standing so quickly that she sent her chair flying over backwards. It flew directly through the bay window behind her, and Tonks turned back around to see the damage with another gasp and a string of muttered curse words.
"Damn it, I'm so clumsy!" she bemoaned herself, reaching into her back pocket for her wand.
Remus was faster, waving his wand. He levitated the chair back into the house and restored the glass to the window panes.
"Thank you," Tonks muttered. "W-what are you doing here?" Before he could answer, Ted and Andromeda ran into the room, wands drawn.
"Is everything okay?" Andromeda asked, her face fearful.
"We heard a crash; what's happened?" Ted demanded.
"I knocked me chair over," Tonks replied, blushing a bit. "It's all right, though."
Andromeda let out a sigh of relief, walking out of the room again. Ted remained, glaring at Remus.
"Isn't it about time for you to leave?" he asked threateningly.
Remus sighed, deciding that it had been a very bad idea to come here. He nodded curtly to Ted and started to turn around, walking towards the door.
"Wait!" Tonks' shout startled him into stopping. "Remus, please," she said, tears shining in her eyes as she caught up with him, tugging at his arm.
He turned with another heavy sigh. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "It was a mistake to come back here. I shouldn't have bothered you."
"Where did you go last night?" Tonks asked. Her eyes pleaded with him, begging him to tell the truth; she would have done anything to convince him to stay.
"I was fine. I didn't hurt anyone," Remus answered shortly, finally pulling his arm free from her gentle grasp and starting toward the door again.
"No, but are you hurt?" Tonks persisted, grabbing his arm again. She looked down at his leg. He had been limping; she had noticed.
"It's fine-" Remus started to say, but Tonks cut across him.
"At least let me treat that for you," she said, pulling out her wand and leaning down so that she had a better shot at fixing his leg. She quickly mended the wound.
"Thank you," Remus said, again trying to head for the door.
"Would you at least tell me what I did wrong?" Tonks shouted at him. This was enough to truly stop Remus in his tracks. He turned to her, his eyes blazing, and grabbed each of her shoulders.
"Do not ever, ever let anyone tell you that you did anything wrong. You are perfect, Nymphadora. You're... you did nothing wrong," he said very firmly.
"Oh yeah? Why'd you leave me, then? What can you say about that? Why did you leave your child? I must have done something that really upset you," Tonks said, half angry and half remorseful.
Remus ran a hand tiredly through his sandy, graying hair.
"I don't deserve a family, Nymph. I don't deserve you," he said, tired of this same old argument, tired of hearing her same answers over and over again.
"No, Remus, you don't deserve it!" she shouted, catching him off guard. "You don't deserve us because you walked out on us. But, this isn't about what you deserve. It's about your family, it's about your child, and it's about me. What do we deserve, Remus? What do I deserve?" There were tears in her eyes, now, and, though her tone was soft, almost whispered, Remus had caught on to the fact that she was still very angry with him. "Don't I deserve whatever I want? And, even if the person I want has made himself unworthy of me, by being a bloody prick, no less, I still deserve to have him if I still want him. So, it's not your decision anymore, is it? You told me that I'm perfect, and I'm going to use that against you. I deserve whoever I want." She glared at him for a moment. "You'll just have to stay here until I decide if I still want you," she said simply.
Tonks started to walk toward the kitchen, calling over her shoulder, "You're sleeping on the couch tonight!"
Remus stood in the front hall for several long minutes, trying desperately to figure out what had just occurred. He knew, being a fairly learned man, that his logic was sound, foolproof even. How, then, had she managed to turn it against him? Where had he messed up in his argument? Lupin sighed heavily, conceding defeat. It was her choice. Now, the only thing that he could do was to wait for her to make it.
Over the next week, Remus continued to wonder how Tonks had managed to turn the tables on him so. He had been the one to leave, the one to take control of where the relationship was heading. The ball had always been in his court, with Tonks begging him to admit his love for her. Suddenly, Remus found himself the one waiting. Tonks held power over him in a way that he had not ever foreseen.
Andromeda and Ted were even less forgiving than their daughter. They treated Remus as though he were the scum that he believed himself to be. At family dinners, he was ignored as though he were not even present. When he walked into a room, all conversation ceased, and he was merely glared at until he left the room again.
He spent most of his time in the library, reading some of the classic muggle titles like The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Oliver Twist, and Treasure Island. This was where Tonks found her husband on the eighth night of his stay. Remus was sitting in a armchair, a blanket covering his legs, a copy of The Pilgrim's Progress open on his chest as it rose and fell in the steady pattern of slumber. There was no fire in the hearth, and Tonks felt a distinct chill as she entered the room.
Tonks couldn't help but smile as she watched her husband sleep. His early gray hair was mussed, sticking up at a comical angle. His lined face was peaceful as she hadn't seen it in ages. He looked so relaxed that she almost hesitated to wake him, but there were things that they needed to discuss, sooner rather than later.
"Remus?" she called him softly, gently reaching out to shake his shoulder. The former professor stirred but did not wake. He closed his eyes tightly, reluctant to leave his serene sleep. "C'mon, Rem," Tonks tried again, an affectionate smile pulling at her lips. His eyes opened, blinked twice, then focused on his wife's face.
"Sorry," he mumbled, sitting up in his chair. "Must have dozed off."
"That's understandable. Pretty boring book, you're reading," said Tonks. Remus looked down at the volume.
"Oh," he mumbled. "Well, it's actually fairly interesting." Tonks wrinkled her nose. She had never been fond of reading. "What time is it?" Remus asked, glancing around.
"It's almost midnight," Tonks replied. Remus groaned softly, rubbing his eyes with his fist.
"Thank you for waking me," he mumbled. Dora nodded slowly.
"Come to bed with me," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. The shock on his face was palpable. She couldn't help but smile, gently taking his hand. "I've decided to forgive you," she said. "You see, I have this funny thing. I don't want our baby to grow up without his father. And I also happen to love you." She grinned now, her eyes tearing. "I can't live without you."
"Dora," he said weakly. "Are you sure? Do you know what you're saying?" The thought that she wanted him still made his stomach turn.
"Yes, Remus! How many times do I have to tell you that I don't care?" There was a trace of anger in her eyes, but she quashed it. "Let me help you, Rem. Let me show you what a wonderful person you are. Let me teach you to love yourself."
Before he had realized what was happening, her lips were on his, kissing him zealously. He closed his eyes, unable to resist her, giving in to the kiss. When they broke apart, Tonks took his hand, placing it across her stomach where their child slept.
"Say hello to your baby, Rem," she directed him She moved her hand from his, letting him do this on his own. Remus gently moved his thumb, caressing her skin through the thin fabric of her nightgown.
"Hello," he said softly. "I'm your father." His voice broke as he spoke, tears pouring from his eyes. Tonks placed her hand back over his, squeezing it gently, her eyes closed. She knew how hard this was for him. She knew how tortured he was, even as he tried to hide it from her and everyone else. He didn't think himself worthy of anything, not even life. She had no idea how to heal him, no clue how to make him love himself, but she knew that she had to try for all three of their sakes.
Remus and Nymphadora lay in their bed that night, holding each other tightly. Remus couldn't stop touching her stomach, stroking her skin. He had a long way to go, he knew, before he would be a whole human being again. The damage he had inflicted upon himself over the years was finally catching up with him, preventing him from having the normal life that he didn't believe he deserved.
But, he had a young, beautiful wife who was carrying his child. Their child. This baby was his hope for the future.
A/N: Hi and thanks for reading! This is just my take on the RLNT awesomness in DH. Please give me a review!
Love from
Lyny Angell