God, but she was infuriating!
It was the same as always, those onyx eyes glimmering with smug delight as white, slim fingers played over Kenshin's thin arm, gaze never leaving her own even as the rurouni she held captive squirmed, blushed, protested...
Dinner always went like this when Megumi-san came. It was even worse when Sanosuke came, and of course, he had tonight. It wasn't that she minded him being there. In fact, it was almost better when he visited, because she liked him a lot, and besides, Kenshin seemed so much happier when he was around. More relaxed, more likely to laugh with his eyes as well as his voice. But Yahiko always insisted on teasing both men about liking Megumi-san, and then Sanosuke got offended and loud, and Kenshin got pale and silent, and Megumi-san took advantage of the situation and flirted with them both.
It only made sense that she would take offense at Megumi-san trying to get under Kenshin's skin. Kenshin was... well... she was... Kaoru almost blushed, looking down at the dinner the gentle man had so painstakingly made for them.
But it bothered her almost as much when... when Yahiko would tease Sanosuke about having the hots for the older woman. And... it wasn't only Yahiko. Even when she was talking to Tae-san one day, the waitress had spoken of a future where Himura Kaoru, Sagara Megumi, and Myojin Tsubame would all live in peace and happiness...
Sagara Megumi... that didn't sound right. She didn't like it.
came a familiar husky whisper.
Kaoru looked up from scowling at her congeling dinnner, noticing belatedly that she and Kenshin were the only ones left in the room. she asked intelligently.
Kenshin's face crinkled into a smile, but it seemed strangely forced. I have to go out tonight de gozaru yo, he informed gently. I may not be back until morning.
Kaoru blinked at him dumbly. Kenshin usually asked if he could go out... not as if she would deny him permission, but as a courtesy. For him to come out and just tell her, no ifs, ands, or buts, it had to be something important. A battle? Oh, God, not another fight, not so soon after his horrific injuries from Kyoto had finally healed! It just wouldn't be fair! But it would be just like him to not tell her, so that she wouldn't worry. Well, dammit, she was gonna worry anyway!
That's fine, she returned graciously. Just be careful, Kenshin. Think about consequences before you do anything.
A brief pallor passed his features, and Kaoru fought back a triumphant grin. It had been almost a year now... she know just what to say to get to him. It was only fair, considering he was going to give her a head full of grey hairs before she was twenty.
Thank you for your concern, Kaoru-dono, Kenshin returned dryly, turning to go. Shikashi... I'm far beyond thinking about consequences de gozaru yo.
Kaoru screeched after him, heart springing to pounding life in alarm. When she was met with nothing but silence, she scrambled up as fast as she could, and tore out into the courtyard, only to find the area frustratingly empty of a Kenshin to beat some sense into.
She stood helpless in front of her dojo, barefoot in the dirt, watching the slowly setting sun paint the walls in shades too achingly beautiful to ever reproduce, choking on her own despair. Kenshin was already gone...
In some sense, Kenshin had always been gone...
He's of a world you can never imagine, Kaoru-chan, came a soft, musing tone.
You think I don't know that?! Kaoru snapped, spinning about, calloused heel digging roughly into the cool ground. Besides, it's none of your business!
There might have been surprise on the doctor's pale, beautiful face, but Kaoru refused to look for it, pounding up the wooden steps and fleeing down the hallway for her room before she lost control in front of the other woman. She wouldn't do it, she just wouldn't... it was bad enough that Megumi-san thought she was a clumsy little girl with no grace, she didn't need to prove her right!
Kaoru flung herself onto the futon that Kenshin had so painstakingly folded up for her, tears already stinging her eyes with salty wetness and blurring the room around her. He was gone again... and it just wasn't fair! It didn't even matter if he was going off to fight or not... He was gone. He had always been gone. He had never been hers and he never would be...
Megumi-san was right. He lived in a different world... and besides, why would he even think of wanting her? He had been nice to her... so much nicer than anyone had ever been , since tou-san died... He had been there to protect her and keep her company so she wouldn't be lonely anymore... And it had almost seemed that sometimes... when he had seen her with the shinai in her hand, in her gi, practicing with Yahiko, he would smile, with that strange look in his eyes... as though... he was happy too, happy as she was, happy that she was...
That she was...
Kaoru held her pillow to her chest, her practically flat chest, impossible to accentuate even in the best of light in the loosest of kimono, and stared through wet eyes at her bare, dirty feet. They weren't ladylike feet, and never had been. They were calloused from running barefoot in the street with the girls. They had little scars from where she had cut herself on rocks. They had bruises from where she had been stepped on by students in practice.
God, she hated her feet.
Kaoru wept, rocking back and forth on her futon, the pillow damp with her tears. Her kimono hung in the corner, her shinai resting on the floor beside it, other clothing strewn about the room from her impromptu training at midnight last night... It had been fun, tossing yukata into the air and pretending they were enemies she could defeat. She'd gotten all sweaty and out of breath, and taken a bath, then slept again, content, so happy, so sure in herself, with no one around...
And then those milky-white fingers, stroking Kenshin's arm, black eyes gazing smugly out of a face set atop the perfect body, the very figure of feminine wiles, everything she wasn't, everything she tried so hard to be, everything she knew she never would be... She wasn't pretty enough, she wasn't sultry enough, she wasn't enough of a woman to ever have a man want her. But... But...
Holding the shinai in her hand, smacking the boys around, having them make fun of her cooking, it... it made her happy... in some sick, twisted way, it made her happy to be everything she was never supposed to be. Her mother would never have approved... but those days she'd spent with tou-san, learning the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, they had been some of the mose wonderful times of her life...
Swordmanship was something she could do. Swordsmanship was something she liked to do! And it was fun, something she could never say for mincing about in tight sandals and trying to keep her kimono from dragging on the ground. She'd never liked dressing up and flirting with men and trying to land one to marry her. If a man didn't like her for who she was, then why should she like them?
But it still remained that no man would want her the way she was. And... she'd thought, Kenshin... he seemed to like her, just a little, the way he smiled when she was being... well, herself... and seemed almost unhappy to see her acting like a woman should...
And she'd never really found any other man attractive. Kenshin... Kenshin, with his soft, long hair, and big eyes... Delicate hands, gentle smile... and how he could cook, and clean, all with a smile, never seeming to mind it at all. And those were things she hated. Hated with a passion. She wasn't good at any of it. Cooking, cleaning, sewing...
Kenshin had even fixed a gi she'd ripped by accident! He had all the skills she didn't have, and something about that was fascinating.
But Kenshin was a man, and Kenshin, as a man, was never going to want a girl like her. No man would. And thus... she was going to die an old maid and watch Sanosuke and Kenshin and Megumi and Yahiko and Tsubame and Misao and Aoshi get married and never be loved and be depressed and lonely forever. And all their children would call her and things like that. It just wasn't fair, not fair at all, and all because she liked swordsmanship instead of men.
Kaoru felt the thought pass through her mind, and blinked at the floor, her heart sticking uncomfortably in her throat. She liked men... men just didn't like her. That was all. And she was bitter. It made perfect sense.
She... she did like men... of course she did! She was a girl, and girls liked...
It was better not to think about it, this late, when her head hurt, and she'd been crying... It was better just to sleep... just to sleep it off, and worry over this in the morning when Kenshin was back... when he was back, and he could reassure her...
Just... in the morning...