Winter's Kiss: A FranFic

Authors Note: Okay listen. I haven't written anything like this since secondary school. Not that I wrote anything like this in school… anyway the point is I'm not a writer so if you're a flamer you can FUCK OFF.

Chapter 1

It was a cold, icy morning in Dublin city. The sky was blue, yet the moon could be seen in the distance. The birds outside fought over the last remaining berries on the trees, whilst people threw boiling water on their windscreens to remove the frost. It was…. Very cold indeed. But not for our hero, Fran. On this morning Fran was having a coffee and a pastry with his dear friend Declan. It was a wonderful morning for Fran, that is until Declan made a shocking revelation.

"So the son says he wants one of them Barbie dolls for Christmas. Ah sure listen, what can ya do they're only toys" said Declan.

"What!? A Barbie!? Are you serious?" replied Fran.

"Haha yeah. But sure look, next year it'll be something else. You know how they are."

"No. N - O. This is a disgrace. When I was a child, do you know what I played with? Action Man"

"Me too Fran, but times have changed you know. Kids play with all sorts of toys now. It's actually quite nice"

"Heh, times have changed alright. These young lads need a proper role model like Action Man. None of this One Direction, or James Corden shite. Should we really be teaching the lads to grow up to be like that? No. They need someone strong, powerful, athletic... "

Fran suddenly became short of breath as he began sweating.

"Fran are you alright?"

"Yeah… yeah Deco I'm fine. Listen, can I call back over this evening? I have something I need to do."

"Yeah of course, are you sure you're okay though?"

"I'm fine" said Fran as he left the house.

Chapter 2 (The Final Chapter)

The wind howled and crackled as Fran trudged towards the city centre. "It's fucking baltic" Fran muttered. Suddenly he seen a light. Is it? Could it be? Yes, it was! Smyth's Toy Store. Fran began running towards the shop, so excited he forgot to watch where he was going and slipped on the ice. THUMP! He hit the ground so hard he was sure he had broken his tailbone. But no, our hero did not give up. He rose back to his feet as a group of kids filmed him and threw snowballs at him. "Fucking little shits. This is what we get for letting them watch James Corden". Fran REALLY hated James Corden. Nobody quite knew why, but there you go.

As he entered the shop he was instantly reminded of his childhood. He remembered coming here with his parents every November and showing them all the toys Santa was going to bring him. Those were…. Simpler times. Simpler times indeed. As he remembered the entire isle of Action Men dolls that used to be on aisle 7, he snapped back into focus and was reminded of the mission at hand. Fran ran down the past the isles, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...7. He froze. "What the fuck" Fran gasped. He looked up towards the directory sign above the entrance to the isle. Gender Neutral Isle. "Gender neutral. What the fuck are they teaching the kids". A single tear fell down Frans cheek. This isle had once read Action Man. Now it read something more sinister. More pathetic. As he walked down the aisle he saw Barbie, Ben 10, Monster High, My Little Pony, Shrek, but where was he? Where was the greatest hero of them all? Fran grabbed a young sales assistant by the shoulders as she walked by.

"WHERE IS HE!?" he shouted.

"Ahhhh! Gerroff me yeh creep!" the girl screamed.

"WHERE IS THE ACTION MAN!?" "I NEED HIM FOR-" before Fran could finish his sentence he was tackled to the ground by the shop security guard.

"It's alright Shannon, I know this bloke. Go on, get yourself a cup of tea love, I'll sort this" said the security guard, who just so happened to look remarkably like James Corden. Fran began to sweat and tremble. He fainted as the man restrained him.

When Fran awoke he found himself sitting on a chair outside what looked to be the shops office. "I didn't do anything" He grumbled. "I just wanted to buy a doll". Oh we know Fran "Said a mysterious voice from behind the office door. "Show yourself yeh coward!" Fran shouted. As the man emerged from the office Fran realized it was the security guard. "Fucking James Corden…" Fran muttered. "Call me that again and I'll call the guards this time Franny" the guard threatened. "What do you mean this-" Fran gasped as he saw his picture on the wall. Multiple pictures. Security camera screenshots of him in isle 7 to be precise. "Have I, have I…" "Yes Fran, you've been here before" the guard replied.

"I just wanted and Action Man for my friend…" said Fran as he began crying.

"It's okay Fran, relax. Here have a herbal tea".

"Mhmmm I love lemon ginger tea in the winter" Said Fran. "The only thing that would make it better is a drop of - "

"Honey?" the guard smiled as he handed Fran a bottle of honey.

Fran chuckled. "You know what? You're alright pal".

"You're alright yourself Fran, just a bit fucked in the head".

As the two laughed there was a knock on the door. The guard went to answer it.

"Alright man, yeah he's in here. Haha yeah aisle 7".

"Well Fran" said Declan "You're lucky that young one has a strong head on her shoulders. You can't be coming in here every week and acting like this".

"Every week? I didn't… I didn't realise".

"He doesn't remember Deco, he has them how you say 'blackouts'" the guard explained.

"I know, I know. I guess it's just he does this every week and it's getting to me".

"Yeah. Well look. I think I have the solution to all our problems" said the guard as he walked into his office. As he emerged he had a present in his hands.

"Go on then Franny boy. An early christmas pressie for ya".

Fran was utterly confused but nevertheless he tore the present open. Fran was not one to turn down something free which was offered to him. But that's another story for another day. Fran shrieked with ecstasy as he removed the wrapping paper to reveal the beach patrol version of Action Man.

"It's…"

"Man in his purest form?" asked the guard.

"Yes. Yes exactly! Replied Fran.

"Deco, you need to give this to your son. He needs a real role model, not Barbie or he'll end up like... James Corden"

Fran looked to the security guard and then back to his Action Man. "You know what Deco. I'm starting to think that may not be such a bad thing" Fran smiled. The three men laughed.

And so our hero Fran learnt that gender neutrality is not something to be outraged by, and that he was surrounded by people who were loving and caring. He also discovered that perhaps his obsession with Action Man was connected with some deeply rooted sexual identification issues he'd been having all his life.

Just kidding. Fran forgot all of this had ever happened by the end of the week. Fran truly was fucked in the head.

The End.