I can't laugh too hard, I'm on a diet
I'm trying to lose myself
You ought to try it
Just starve for six days straight
Oh, it's a riot
Every Sunday night
I laugh as Carly cracks another joke, but not to hard. Maybe, if I become the Sam they knew, instead of the Sam they know, this will be easier on them. Starting with this damn laugh of mine.
Freddie looks at me, when the joke's effect has worn off, with curious eyes. Probably wondering why mine are surrounded by dark circles. I haven't slept in 3 weeks. I haven't done anything in 3 weeks. I've barely eaten. I never liked to eat anyways. I only eat at Carly's house because there's no food at mine. But as soon as I get "home", I throw it back up, so I don't see the use in it anymore. Mother wants a perfect girl. I could never disappoint.
My sucky life started when I was around 7. Maybe eight or nine. Who knows? Me, Carly and Mel were best friends. We did everything together. I faintly remember endless nights of dress-up, Barbie dolls, and my favorite back then, Karaoke nights. Me and Mel got our voices from our mom. She sang like an angel. She would sing us to sleep, Carly too some nights, as if she were her own biological daughter. Then, dad died.
That's when everything changed.
Melanie put all her effort into school, never focusing on anything else. She was a wreck. She'd be up to 4 in the morning, studying, finishing homework that wasn't due for another month, making extra-credit projects that the teacher hadn't even assigned. I hated seeing her like that. She'd come home tired and disheveled, her fingers numb, 10 books in her hands and twice as much in her back-pack. I didn't understand why she did this at first. How could books and stupid school replace dad? Then, when she got that letter at 5th grade graduation, it hit me. She was leaving us. She'd been planning it the whole time. Study until she'd nearly lost her mind, do good deeds, suck up to every teacher, then get a scholarship and ditch us. Of course she denied it. Saying she just got lucky, no conspiracy involved. But when I eavesdropped on her thanking God for the escape, I walked away, silently praying he'd do it for me too.
Mom…just wasn't mom anymore. Suddenly she became, Steve, and Joe, Maury, Bobby, Lance, Terrence, Bufus, and all the other muffled names that exploded from her room. She became the smell of alcohol on my clothes, in the air, in my hair. She became my excuses for being late to school almost everyday, the reason I was so thin. Most of all, she became abusive. I never pictured her laying a hand on me unless it was a hug or a gentle hand pushing my wild curls behind my ear. But then again, I never expected her to become a Steve.
?
I binge, and I barf, 'cause I carry the
Scars of an eight-year-old
Whose mother applied the same rules
To her kid's body
As her own
She would wait by the door for me to come home. A bottle in one hand, an iron rod in the other. After Carly's, I'd walk the long way home, stopping everywhere possible. A store, an old friend's house, a police station (just to look around of course). I'd stand on my porch for about 10 minutes, breathing heavily, slipping my back-pack in one hand, just in case. I'd place my hand on the knob and shiver. When I crack the door, she's sitting on my dad's old chair. She's slowly rocking with her eyes trained on me. I fight back a smile when I only see she's holding a bottle some nights. I fight back tears when I see it's both.
She tells me I'm not beautiful anymore. That I let myself go after dad died. She says I'm ugly, worthless, and stupid. I know none of this is true, but coming from my mom, it hurts. It hurts worse than when she hits me. I don't understand how it got this way, how it got so bad. I think that maybe if I make her happy, like my dad did, she'd get better. So I do my best to fix what she sees wrong with me in her eyes. I study harder, I try to be nicer, and lastly, I wither away. I lose pound and pound until the insults come less often. I'm barely there anymore. There's just one problem.
Freddie. Gonzalez. Benson.
That stupid nub. Always asking me "What's wrong Sam?", "Why are you so quiet Sam?", "Where'd you get that bruise from Sam?". If I didn't know any better, I'd say he cared.
?
I think you'll leave me soon
Though I've no proof of it
But I'll make it easier for you
By being a little bitch
And this is just a theory
But I think the reason
Why I'm scared you'll croak is
The only male influence I've had
After daddy up and left
Were my mother's weekend lovers
And their alcoholic breaths
"Why are you pushing me away Sam?" he whispers in my ear when we are forced to slow dance together. We're at Spencer's wedding, and Carly practically threatened us into dancing with each other.
"I don't know what you're talking about Benson. Just shut up and this'll be over soon"
"Just stop it Sam!" he says a little to loudly. Carly glares at us while people glance. I glare right back and we continue dancing. I'm about to reply to the dork when he talks.
"I know you're keeping something from me, something big. I can't believe you don't think you can tell me whatever it is. You know you can trust me with anything. Look at me Sam!" he yells again, pulling my face towards his. I think I'm angrier now than I've ever been. How dare he tell me I can trust him, when I can barely trust myself? The nerve of this kid! I push him away from me and run out into the rain. Wow, it's really coming down in sheets. You can barely see a thing out here. I run faster and faster as I hear someone call my name.
"Sam! Sam, stop! Sam, look out!" I stop at the last one. I look around and see I'm in the middle of a street, with an eighteen wheeler headed straight for me. A million thoughts rush through my head. Maybe this would be for the best? Maybe she'd love me if I were dead. I look at Freddie running faster than before, not fast enough. Stupid nub couldn't even save my life. One last glance at the truck and it's about 5 seconds away now.
I take a step and close my eyes.
It misses me by an inch. Shouldn't have taken a bigger step.
When it passes completely, I see Freddie across the street, on his knees, face in his hands, probably thinking I'm dead. I could have some real fun with this. It's still raining hard so he doesn't hear me coming. I place a hand on his shoulders and try to deepen my voice.
"Sorry son, looks like your little lady friend is on her way to a better place" I pretend to be a police officer, but I know I failed so I just laugh my head off.
Freddie doesn't look so amused.
"Are you out of your mind? On what planet is letting the boy who loves you think your dead funny? You could have been seriously hurt! Do you realize blah blah blah?" I tune everything out after he said he loved me. I look at my shoes and ball my hands into fists. Did he think it was funny to play with my emotions? First the fake caring, now this?
"And another thing-!"
"Shut up Freddie! I'm sick of hearing you talk. Of you and your lies." He tries to interrupt me but I continue.
"Why can't you just leave me be Freddie? What have I ever done to you? So what if I go and kill myself?" I scream flinging my hands in the air. As I wait for a response, I see he has his eyes downcast. Right where I want him.
"Don't you lie and say you love me. Don't you dare go that far to prevent me from killing myself."
?
I'll tell you what caused it
If you'll handle the effects (the effects, the effects)
Yes, I'll tell you what caused it
If you'll handle the effects (the effects, the effects)
I'll tell you what caused it
If you'll handle the effects (the effects, the effects)
Yes, I'll tell you what caused it
If you'll handle the effects (whoa!)
"I didn't say it because you almost killed yourself." He says, eyes still downcast. If it wasn't raining so hard, I'd say he was crying.
"Then why?" I demand.
"I said it" he looks up at me "Because it was true." he finishes and I can barely contain my laughter. He cocks a brow and I'm in fits now.
"Oh, good job Freddie. You even almost had me believing it! You almost had me believing that someone gave two shits about me." my voice turns bitter and he tries again.
"Sam-"
"Oh! And this is the best part. For a second, you had me believing that everything would be okay! That my mom, will get better. That she'll love me again." my voice was horse and I was choking back tears, but I kept going.
"That Melanie, will come back. That my dad would come back. And we'd fall in love, and we'd be happy. You really had me convinced Benson. Just do me a favor and leave me out of your sick games" When I was done I could no longer contain my tears and punched a wall. Ow.
"Sam, stop it" he says rushing over to me and grabbing my bloody fists into his hands. He wipes the bits of pebbles from the wound and wraps me in a hug.
"I'm sorry Sam. I am so sorry. I didn't know that stuff. You don't deserve any of it." he says whispering in my ear while stroking my hair. I don't have much fight or flight left in me, so I just collapse in his arms and cry. We stand like that for at least 10 minutes before the rain lets up and he talks again.
"We should get out of here. We might get sick…Sam?" he asks when I don't respond. I'm to tired to say anything let alone move. I wrap my arms around his neck and he takes the hint. We walk back to the wedding with him carrying me bridal style. He lightly taps on the door with his foot to get someone's attention. We see Carly's head pop up from a corner in fast motion and I can't help but laugh. She looked like the little squirrel type thing from Timon and Pumba. She quickly runs over to us and nearly busts down the door.
"What happened? Where have you guys been? Oh my God, Sam, are you ok?" I get lost in her haze of questions, so I tell Freddie to put me down.
"I'm cool Shay" I say wrapping her in a hug. At first she feels a little stiff and I can tell she's confused, but when I whisper in her ear that I'll explain later, she returns the hug. I release her and tell her to go back inside and that I'll be there in a few. When she walks away, I look down at my now muddy shoes, not wanting to look at Freddie, cause it'd be weird, you know?
"Sam, I just want you to know that I really truly meant what I said back there. I love you, whether you like it or not, and I'm not going anywhere. Ok?" he says whispering huskily into my ear, placing his hands on my freezing shoulders. I turn around and place my hands on his.
"Yeah…yeah, I know" I say, placing my head on his chest. I try to smile a little, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that.
"C'mon, let's go inside before Carly has a conniption." he chuckles. I nod my head and enter the doors.
One day I'll tell him I love him back.
One day.
I can't laugh too hard, I'm on a diet
I'm trying to lose myself
You ought to try it
Just starve for six days straight
Oh, it's a riot
Every Sunday night