Old Wounds

by Mishra

Rebuilding the realm after the war is a tediously slow process. A letter from Crassus reminds Tavi that some old wounds refuse to heal.

Tavi glared in frustration at the offending letter sitting innocuously on his desk. He had read it a dozen times already, but repeated exposure did not lessen the rage it kindled in him. He was just about to complain once more to Kitai about how unfair the situation was, when there was a knock on the door of their private quarters. Kitai opened the door before Tavi had the chance to get up.

"Ah, Maximus," she said. "I am glad you are here. Maybe you can talk some sense into him. He is being particularly stubborn and stupid this evening."

"What is it?" asked Max, looking rather alarmed. He stepped into the room, giving Desi, who was cradled in Kitai's arms, a small pat on the head. "Are the Vord stirring again?"

"Not the Vord," said Tavi. "Your crow-begotten brother has turned down my invitation to winter's end!"

"What?" asked Max. "But all the high-lords are coming and he is father's heir. He should be there."

"Read it," said Tavi through clenched teeth and tossed Max the letter. His friend scanned it quickly, his face becoming even more perplexed with every sentence.

"That does not give any explicit reason at all, besides being busy," said the Antillan. "What kind of reason is that? And it seems that father has decided to stay at home as well. Tavi, this is going to cause quite the ruckus."

"Yes, exactly," hissed Tavi. "Great furies, it seems that everybody has already forgotten that I won the Vord war! Everybody wanted to be my friend during the first few months after the war ended, but it has been a year and everyone is back to scrabbling for his own advantage! Antillus is a loyal subject to the crown and his absence will be noted. What on earth is Crassus thinking? Is this his way of punishing me for lying to him?"

"Tavi, you need to calm down," said Max. He sat down on the chair opposite of Tavi's desk. "Do you have any wine? I have a feeling that we are going to need it."

Tavi was about to deny him, but Kitai had already gotten a flask and placed it and two glasses on the table.

"Drink," she snapped to Tavi. "If he thinks it will help, you ought to listen to him."

"Kitai, getting drunk is not going to help," argued Tavi.

"Nor will moping around and complaining, but you keep doing these anyway," she huffed. "Maybe you should try something new."

Tavi glowered at her, but reached for the flask. He poured Max and himself a cup and took a small sip. It was a good vintage, but he could not enjoy it right now.

"Good. I will take a walk in the garden and see if I can get Desi to settle down. He should be asleep already, but all this excitement keeps him up."

"Take Araris with you," said Tavi. "I don't want you to take a walk in the dark while unprotected."

He could feel Kitai's exasperation with his protectiveness, but she just smiled at him and nodded. A few moments later, she and Desi were gone, leaving Tavi and Max alone.

"That's an excellent wine," said Max, who had drained his glass already and reached for the flask to refill it. "Being the First Lord does have its perks."

Tavi made a noncommittal voice. In truth, he had very little time to enjoy wine. Most days, he worked from dawn until shortly before midnight, before falling in exhausted sleep. Kitai told him that he was a fool and sometimes Tavi thought she had a point.

"You can have a few bottles if you want," he said. "I am not even sure where they come from, but I guess more will show up in time. Anyway, what advice other than getting drunk do you have for dealing with your idiot half-brother?"

"Calming down is probably next on the list," said Max, smiling slightly. Tavi glared at him and the smile slipped from his friend's face. "Alright, not in the mood for jokes, I get it. I haven't talk to Crassus in a while. After the war, he was quite eager to get back to Antillar, for some weird reason I don't understand. I certainly don't want to get back to this place. From what little contact we had, I know that he is still not fully healed and probably never will be."

"Look, if there was anything I could have done to stop the Vord queen from hurting him like this, I would have," said Tavi defensively. "I underestimated her and we all paid the price."

"Calderon at some point in life you should stop blaming yourself for everything that ever went wrong in the world," said Max. "Without you the whole realm would have been overrun by the Vord and Crassus would be dead instead of... damaged. There was no way you could have known that the Vord queen was going to attack our camp like this. You were almost killed yourself. Crassus was just unlucky. We were at war, people have the tendency to get hurt in those."

"I know," said Tavi quietly. "But that doesn't change how I feel about it. I failed to get him out of the war in one piece and I didn't tell him about Dorotea. I guess that's his way of paying me back for my failings."

Max scowled at him.

"My brother does not think in these terms. He is hurting and he is upset that you did not tell him that his mother was still alive, but he is not going to try to punish you for it. Knowing him, he is probably just afraid of facing you again and confronting you about this. When we were younger, he always liked to avoid conflict."

"Do you think I was wrong about not telling him?" asked Tavi. "I only did what she asked of me. I know that she was a traitor to the realm and a murderer, but I figured getting turned into a slave was enough punishment. I didn't want to add to her suffering."

"She deserved it," said Max coldly. "Maybe the collar burned the evilness out of her, but I remember how she was before she got it. I will never forgive her and I still think that you should put her on trial for treason."

"We have enough on our plate without ripping open this old wound, Max. The years before the Vord war were filled with all kinds of treachery. It seems pointless to investigate it now, given that almost all of the people involved are dead."

"She isn't," said Max simply. "But I think you didn't tell Crassus that she was alive because she asked you not to. Or at least that was not the only reason. I think you kept quiet because you wanted to protect him."

That got Tavi's attention. He tried to remember what exactly had driven him all those years ago. It had been a chaotic time, especially because he had suddenly become the princeps of the realm rather than just a cursor playing at being a commander. Even though his memory was not as clear as he would like it to be, he had feeling that Max had a point.

It had crossed his mind that it was better for Crassus to consider his mother dead rather than confronting him with the twisted facsimile she had become. It probably had not been fair of him to make this decision, but he could still see why he had done it.

"You are probably right about that," he admitted. "Was I wrong trying to keep that disappointment from him?"

"Maybe," said Max. "But I might be the wrong person to judge this. I was very happy with her disappearance after all. Crassus, however, actually likes her. As far as I could tell, he missed her and had actually hoped that she would come back. It is completely unreasonable of course. He knew that she was a traitor to the realm and at least suspected what she was capable of. If he had an ounce of sense, he would have been happy that she was gone."

"Family ties are not always reasonable," mumbled Tavi. "She went back to Antillar with him, didn't she?"

"As far as I know," said Max. "I get along fine with Crassus these days, but we tend to avoid talking about her. As I said, I haven't been in touch with my brother. I was busy with other things."

"Like bedding as many girls as you can?"

"If you must know I spend most of my time with just a single girl these days," said Max haughtily. "Of course, most of the young women in the city are distraught about that."

"Indeed?" said Tavi, raising an eyebrow. "And who is the lucky girl?"

"Veradis," said Max with a smug grin on his face. "I bumped into her about a month ago when you sent me down to Ceres to coordinate with the local troops."

"You mean the mission to make sure that a safe corridor exists between Riva and Ceres?"

"Exactly," said Maximus. "Some of the men get hurt during a Vord attack and she saw to them. When I went checking up on the injured, she and I got talking. At first, she wasn't too friendly, but things became warmer quite quickly. I think it helped that I was in uniform. She seemed to like the look of that."

Tavi rolled his eyes.

"I can't believe you managed to get her into your bed as well. Is there any girl who can resist your advances?"

"Well, Kitai never seemed to be too interested," said Max with a grin. "But that's probably for the best. She is a bit too wild for me and her husband is supposed to be quite mean."

Despite all of the anger and hurt swirling around in him, Tavi managed to crack a smile at that.

"Yeah, I have heard the same thing," he said. "He is supposed to be quite jealous, too."

"I better keep my distance then," said Max with a quick grin.

"But seriously Max, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Tavi. "How can I fix this?"

"I don't think you can," said Max directly. "I know that's not what you want to hear. You are not the one holding a grudge: Crassus is. As long as he is not ready to forgive you, nothing you do will change his mind. Stubbornness allegedly runs in the family."

"But I haven't given him any reason to forgive me yet," said Tavi. "Sure, I have apologized to him, but he was hurt back then and it was all a mess anyway. Maybe I should just talk to him and make sure that he knows that I never meant to hurt him."

"Don't you think he knows that already?" asked Max. "He has known you for years, Tavi, and while you have the tendency to come up with absolutely insane ideas, you are not that difficult to figure out as a person. You have never caused Crassus any harm. You even protected him in various circumstances! If my half-brother hasn't lost his wits, he knows that this is all a big misunderstanding."

"I am not so sure about that," said Tavi. "And I did cause him harm once: I beat him up pretty badly back when we were undercover in the First Aleran. He was trying to get the bloodstone back for his mother, remember?"

"That was in self-defense and you protected him from the consequences," said Max. "Crassus might be an idiot at times, but in general he is quite sharp. He knows. All that is keeping him from forgiving you is his pain and his anger. They will fade with time."

"How can you be so sure about that?"

"It is the way of the world," said Max, shrugging. "I have broken quite a few hearts over the years and as far as I know all of these ladies have gotten over it. So why shouldn't Crassus? Granted, the situation is a little different, but you know what I mean."

Tavi snorted.

"A little different is quite the understatement, but I get what you are trying to say. Though I never broke Crassus's heart."

"You didn't?" asked Max faking a surprised look. "And here I thought Crassus was so upset with you because you chose Kitai over him."

Tavi pulled a face at the thought.

"You are gross, Max. And not particularly helpful."

"Just trying to lighten the mood," said Max. "Anyway, I am not sure there is anything you can do at this point in time. Crassus needs some time to come to terms with everything. I am sure that once he has had ample time to calm down, he will forgive you."

"It has been a year since the end of the war, Max," protested Tavi. "How much longer is this going to take?"

"Crassus can be quite dense and quite stubborn if it suits his purpose," said Max. "You need to have patience, Tavi."

"I was never good at being patient."

"I know, but fortunately, you have a lot of other things to keep yourself occupied in the meantime," said Max. "You are the First Lord after all. How many hours do you work each day?"

"At least twelve," said Tavi. "Nothing on the weekends, though. I tried to work on them as well, but Kitai wouldn't have it. She can be quite distracting if she puts her mind to it."

"You are hopeless," said Max, shaking his head. "Don't you have a host of advisors and attendants? Let them do the work instead."

"Of course, I have them," said Tavi. "But just because I have help, doesn't mean that I can relax and spend my days in bed with Kitai. The realm is still in shambles and I need to do my part to put it back together. I owe that much to the people."

Max scoffed at him.

"What has the realm even done for you? Or the people for that matter? You have done more than your share. You have to slow down, Calderon, or you are going to work yourself into an early grave. Just look at how upset you are about my brother's stupid letter. You are strung way too tight. And you haven't even finished your first glass of wine!"

Tavi looked down at the glass in his hand and noticed that is was indeed still more than half full. He had no desire to drink, but Max glared at him with such intensity that he obediently drained it. He had barely put it back down on the table before Max refilled his glass.

"There you go," said Max. "I will give you my patented solution to moments of doubt and other personal crises:

First, you need to get drunk. Not too drunk, though. The idea is to blunt the edge of whatever is troubling you, not to fall unconscious. The next step is to find a beautiful woman and to fuck her until you have forgotten what you were sad about in the first place. If that isn't enough, you just have to find another woman."

"That's a wonderful insight, thanks Max," said Tavi dryly and rolled his eyes. "I am not like you. Something like that isn't going to relax me and I doubt that I could even do it. I have never been exactly successful with woman after all."

Max burst out laughing at that, much to Tavi's surprise.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"It is hilarious how dim-witted you can be at times," said Max, wiping a tear of mirth from this eye. "The only reason you have not been with more women is because you are slightly mad and always busy with something else. Otherwise, you could have been with a lot of girls by now. Well, not at the Academy, probably, but things changed drastically once you became the commander of the First Aleran. Girls like men in uniforms, especially if they also have power! And you were growing quite a lot at the time. Tall, dark and handsome, what's not to like?"

"You are completely ridiculous," said Tavi.

"On the contrary," said Max, grinning broadly. "You know I am right. I have always wondered: Is Kitai really the only Marat you have ever been, ah, close to? Because I remember your frequent rides with her and the rest of the horse clan back when we are encamped at the Elinarch. Some of the Marat girls had to be interested in you, especially because you were such a novelty."

Tavi blushed suddenly, remembering how Ana had surprised him and Kitai once during an intimate moment and her comments afterwards. Back then, he had just been embarrassed and had been sure that she was only winding him up. However, Max's words put a new angle on that memory. Had she really been interested in him? Maybe that's why Kitai had reacted as sharply as she had back then.

"Aha!" said Max, who had watched him closely. "I knew it. Come on Calderon, spill the beans. What was it? Kitai and another Marat girl maybe? I can see the appeal of that even though I am not too fond of strong girls. I like them soft and sweet if you know what I mean."

"Great furies, Max," said Tavi, now even more embarrassed than before. "Nothing happened, alright? We were just caught in an, ah, rather indecent situation by Ana. You know her. She was part of the horse clan troops supporting us."

"Oh, I know her alright," said Max, whistling. "Fierce girl, but very pretty. And how did she react to you and Kitai romping in the fields?"

"We were not..., never mind," said Tavi, rolling his eyes. He knew that Max was deliberately winding him up, but that knowledge didn't prevent it from working. "She was rather interested in me. She wanted to find out what Kitai saw in me and appreciated the chance of seeing me half-naked."

"And let me guess: You somehow managed not to invite her to join you with Kitai, even though it was the perfect opportunity?"

"My priority in that moment was not to die from embarrassment," said Tavi darkly. "In contrast to you, I don't have a knack to turn harmless situations into revels. The thought didn't even cross my mind. And Kitai would never have accepted it."

"Ah, bless your innocent mind," said Max. "And why are you so sure that Kitai wouldn't have gone along with it?"

"Well, she quite pointedly told Ana that all she could do was to look," said Tavi. "That doesn't exactly sound inviting, does it?"

"No, not at all," said Max with a pensive expression on his face. "I wonder why she reacted that way. Somehow I never pictured her as the jealous type. You know, given how nonchalant she is about everything. Maybe she felt threatened by Ana. Who do you think is prettier? Kitai or Ana?"

"What does that have to with anything?"

"Oh, Calderon," said Max. "How can you be married and a father while still knowing so little about women? Well, in my generosity, I will share my wisdom with you: How well women get along very much depends on how they look. If one of them is prettier than the other, the uglier one will often resent her. So, if Kitai felt intimidated by Ana's beauty, I see why she would keep her away from you. But, to be honest, I don't think she should be overly worried."

"You are making less and less sense with every sentence," grumbled Tavi. "Maybe she just isn't the sharing type. And this is all ancient history anyway. I haven't seen Ana in years."

"You are right, of course," said Max. "So, let's focus on the present. You know that you can have any girl you want, right?"

Tavi, who had been in the process of taking another sip of win, was caught off-guard by this statement.

"What?" he spluttered, barely able to avoid making a mess. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Are you being dense on purpose?" asked Max, rolling his eyes. "I have told you only a few minutes ago that you were already quite attractive to women back when you were just a captain. Now, you are the First Lord of Alera. The most powerful man on the whole continent. Do you think any woman is going to say no to you if you show her that you are interested?"

"Well, obviously," said Tavi. "Many women are married after all."

Max laughed.

"As if being married means anything," he said. "There are a lot of loveless marriages especially in the nobility. As long as you keep it discrete, you will be surprised how many women are more than fine with having an affair. Granted, you always run the risk of having to deal with an upset husband, but I highly doubt that anyone in the realm would have enough courage to call you to the Juris Macto. Besides, the risk makes it more fun."

"I don't know what to say to that," said Tavi. "This is all very interesting, Max, but I don't want any other woman than Kitai. I have my hands full with her already and even I don't have unlimited energy."

"Perfect, then follow my advice and have some fun with her once she gets back," said Max. "I always find my mind clearest after I have exhausted myself with the help of a pretty girl. Maybe it works on you too. Then you are bound to come up with a good idea on how to deal with my brother."

"I hate you, Max," said Tavi, but there was not bite behind his words. "You are the most useless advisor I have."

"I aim to please," said Max. "But seriously, Tavi: You cannot force this issue. Pushing too hard will only make it worse. Trust me on this. Crassus is as stubborn as I am and he is not going to appreciate any attempts you make to resolve this conflict."

"Yes, yes, I know," said Tavi, rubbing his eyes in frustration. "But I can't just sit back and do nothing. There must be something which I can do! Bloody furies, I have broken into the Grey Tower twice, deflected a Canim attack with an untrained legion, brokered a deal with the same Canim afterwards and helped win the Vord war! I should be able to fix this single mistake!"

"Not everything can be fixed," said Max, sounding uncharacteristically somber at the moment. "And despite the fact that you feel responsible for everything that is wrong in the world, you cannot solve all of them. It is about time that you accept that, Tavi. You are going to drive yourself mad otherwise."

"You sound like Kitai," said Tavi, sighing. "She also always nags about how I am working too much, driving myself too hard and that I need to let go of things. Maybe you are right, I will think about it. However, even if I just accept the fact that Crassus is still angry with me, I have to think about the political consequences. His absence will be noted and will be interpreted as a sign of discord between Antillus and me. It will give the impression that I am losing my former allies which is something I absolutely want to avoid. It will bolster all the idiots who think my reforms are too radical. I don't want the realm to disintegrate into years of covert fighting between rebellious high lords. It is what made us such easy targets for the Vord in the first place."

"You are being too paranoid about this," said Max. "It is well-known that Crassus was severely injured in the war. Just say that he is not feeling up for the journey and be done with it. Besides: I don't doubt for a second that Crassus will come to your aide if he feels that you need it. He might be holding a grudge, but he will do his duty and he has no desire to undermine your work. Besides, the grumbling in the nobility has gotten quieter since the Canim have gone south. Not surprising: Our canine friends can make you quite uncomfortable if you are not used to their quirks."

"True enough," said Tavi. "Though I miss Varg already."

Max snorted at that.

"You miss a giant monster, who always likes to stress that despite our current alliance, we are still enemies and that he will not hesitate to kill you once he considers it necessary? You are crazier than I thought."

"At least I know where I stand with him," said Tavi, showing Max his teeth. "Besides, I am his honored enemy and he still owes me for saving his family. He will not kill me or move against me before balancing the scales between us in some way."

"Oh, of course, that totally changes things," said Max, rolling his eyes. "Don't get me wrong, I have grown used to the mutts as well and I think that they are decent people in their own insane way, but you shouldn't forget that they will happily kill us if it is in their best interest. We have been at war for centuries for a reason."

"Yes, I know," said Tavi. "Despite what you might have heard in the senate, I am not completely delusional and consumed by some irrational love for the Canim, the Iceman or the Marat. Well, except for one Marat in particular. In the long term, there will probably by further fighting between the Canim and us. The Icemen are an uncertainty as well, but I am quite confident in our alliance with the Marat. I think we have the most in common with them. But as long as the Vord serve as a common enemy, they will prevent any serious incidents. Everyone still is way too terrified of them to risk the alliance."

"Who would have thought that these horrors could be so useful?" said Max. "But I cannot fault people for being afraid of them. We were at the brink of extinction during the Vord war and there still are a lot of them over in Canea. If these decide to pay us a visit, we better be ready."

"Yes," said Tavi. "Though I doubt that they will try it in our lifetime. At least that's what I hope. Another big attack would finish us. We need time to rebuild our strength. Which is why I try to bring everyone closer together by increasing the number of things we have in common. If Marat, Alerans and Canim learn together in the new academy, maybe some form of long time cooperation can grow."

Max snorted at that.

"Yeah, right, as if that will ever happen," he said. "There is still a lot of bad blood between Marat and Alerans and we have been allied for years. Things are much worse with the Canim: Most Alerans either fear them, want to kill them or both. And the Canim are not much better. I am not sure that this plan of yours is wise, Tavi. Aleran parents are not going to be thrilled at the thought of sending their children to learn with Canim, Icemen and Marat. But I have to admit that I can see the appeal of studying with young Marat girls at least."

"They don't have to be thrilled about it," said Tavi. "They just have to accept that this is the new normal. We are going to have to work together with Marat, Canim and Icemen if we want to stand a chance against the next Vord attack. I want the new academy to build bridges between our races so that the new generation can get along a bit better than our current one."

"Canim generations about a hundred years apart," pointed Max out. "That's going to take a while."

Tavi growled at this.

"You know what I mean, Max," he bristled. "And you know I am right."

"Yes, I actually think you are," said Max. "I agree that we need to get along better, so that we can form a lasting peace and a permanent alliance against the Vord. But what you don't see is that most people will need a lot of time to accept this fact. Now, the Vord are still fresh on everybody's mind as well as the fact that the Canim, Icemen and Marat helped us. But with each day this memory is going to fade a little bit more in the background and more mundane worries will take over. People need food, housing, work and they want their children to be save. They want to get back to their old lives. They feel that after that much hardship, they deserve a bit of break. And now you come along and tell them that we need to change our society to be ready for the next big thing and that all their traditional ideas about the other races are wrong and need to get changed. Some people might see your reasoning and agree with you, but still be uncomfortable about the speed of the change. Others will not see your motives at all and will think that you lost your mind. Which is ridiculous of course, as you were crazy from the very start."

Tavi mulled this over for a while. He didn't like what Max was saying, but his friend had a point. It was the same advice Magnus gave him every other week and which he had pointedly ignored so far. Maybe he was indeed moving too fast for most of the population. But there just wasn't any time! They needed to regain their strength and they needed to be quick about it if they wanted to stand a chance in another fight with the Vord.

"So, what are you saying?" he asked Max. "That I should just stop with my efforts to build bridges between our races?"

"Crows, no," said Max. "I have fought the Canim often enough to want to stay on their good side. All I am saying is that you need to slow down and stop trying to change everything at once. Some changes take time and forcing the issue is only going to make things harder. People need time to adapt to the new reality. Things have happened so fast during the war: Gaius died, the capital fell, we stood on the brink of extinction; it was just too much for most people. Once they have realized that things have changed for good, they will be more open for fresh ideas."

Tavi pulled a face.

"I hate waiting," he said. "I just don't see why we should waste time on purpose if we already know what we have to do."

"Don't think of it as wasting time, think of it as building the foundation," said Max. "You don't have many weaknesses, Calderon, but your utter lack of patience is one. More patience would also help you to fix things with Crassus by the way."

"How so?"

"As I said: By pushing the issue, you are only going to pick at the wound and dredge up the pain again. If you give him some more time, he will get over it by himself," said Max, sounding surprisingly confident.

"How much time?"

"There is no way to know, but I think a few more years."

"I can't wait that long!" said Tavi immediately.

"I knew that you were going to say this," sighed Max. "Alright, Calderon, we do it your way, then. If you think it is best, then I will travel to Antillar and see if I can talk some sense in him."

"Thank you, Max," said Tavi, immensely relieved. Max would surely find a way to fix this. "That means a lot to me."

"Don't thank me," said Max. "Thank the wine. I am just drunk enough to make such stupid decisions."

He didn't sound drunk, but Tavi kept his mouth shut about it.

"Well, I should best get going then," said Max. "If I want to go north, I should leave early tomorrow. Do me a favor and at least try to get a good night's sleep. You look absolutely exhausted."

"Alright, I will try."

"Good, and when I get back, we will see if there is any sense in picking at old wounds," said Max.

He bade goodbye to Tavi and strode out of the door. Tavi leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt better than he had all evening. There might be some hope to fix things with Crassus yet. He fell asleep almost instantly.