I've been writing this off and on in between other stories and I finally finished it. Although, I'm not sure if I like how it came out. :/

Takes place right after Always.

Another dirty look as he passed by. Not that Ryan wasn't used to it by now. He was a traitor. He was the Judas.

He doesn't call anymore. Not that they cared of course. Esposito was the first person he had to tried to call, but he was ignored. His own partner wanted nothing to do with him so why would anyone else?

Life was Hell in the Prescient, but Ryan didn't let it bug him. He had been tripped so many times that bruises decorated his knees. Coffee gets spilt on his reports and sometimes himself. He's called Judas and whispered about behind his back.

But none of that bothers him. The only thing that bothers Kevin Ryan is the lonely days at work and the beer in his fridge that usually would have been gone. But most of all, hearing his partner call him a Judas kills him.

He wasn't a Judas. Well, that's what he thought in the beginning, but after a few days when almost everyone referred to him as, Judas, it's hard to think it's a lie.

"Hey, Judas!"

"Judas, we beed you to track something done."

"Judas, get your ass over here."

"Judas."

Judas.

Judas.

They never stopped and one day Kevin found himself being fine with being called Judas because it was the day that his partner held a gun to his face and called him that name directly to his face.

If his partner thinks that he's that kind of man then it must be true because no one knows him better than his partner.

Everywhere I turn, I hurt someone

But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done

Of all the things I hid from you, I cannot hide the shame

And I pray someone, something will come to take away the pain

Cold hands grip his throat. He feels the air leaving his lungs and he knows this is the end.

He is surrounded by darkness created by evil; sprawled across the concrete alleyway.

Kicks are being delivered and they just increase in pain by the second. Chanting hurts his ears, "Kill the Judas!"

"No." He can barley breath between kicks. Tears fall down his cheeks.

There's too many of them to stop, though. They won't listen and he's doomed to death. Until he sees his partner.

Kevin can feel his heart swell with hope as his partner pushed the officers that were kicking him away. "Javi," He panted. "Help me."

Javier leaned down to his side and laughed before whispering in his ear. "Help yourself, Judas." He spit down on his partners face and laughed.

"You should've done this yourself and saved us the hassle." He smirked pulling his gun from behind his back.

"No!" Kevin screamed. "Javi, please! I'm not a Judas! Please! Javi!"

Bang!

Kevin shot up in bed panting. He quickly felt his face and chest and sighed in relief when there was no actual bullet hole in his chest. Just another nightmare.

He'd been having those every night since the day he became Judas.

Sometimes Beckett fell, sometimes Javi fell too, but mostly it was Javi hating him, killing him, never forgiving him.

He walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. He didn't want to do this anymore. He wanted to go back to being Javi's brother. Not his betrayer.

But, it wasn't that simple because he done exactly what they told him not to do. He betrayed his friends when he should have stuck by their side.

He used to tell himself that he had done the right thing. He had saved both Beckett's and Javi's lives, but that had drowned in his Judas accusations a long time ago.

Because he was nothing more than a Judas.

There's no way out of this dark place

No hope, no future

I know I can't be free and

I can't see another way

I can't face another day

Lanie was about to leave the morgue for the night when she heard two officers chatting as they waited for results outside the office.

"I've got 45 points, you've only got 25 for the day so I win."

"How'd you get 45 points? That's ridiculous." The other rolled his eyes.

"Tripped him down a flight of stairs when we were chasing after a suspect. He limped all the way back to the car and then to the Prescient." He laughed.

Who were they talking about? They were picking on somebody, but who?

"That doesn't beat the fact that he's got no change of clothes in his locker right now." The other retorted.

"So?"

"Judas is taking a shower right now and all his clothes are in the trash."

Judas.

"That would have worked if he didn't have the combo to Esposito's locker." He rolled his eyes.

"Well, hopefully Judas is too dumb to remember that." He crossed his arms.

"Ah ha ha," The other smiled, "You would've won if you kept the clothes, but I guess you'll settle for a tie."

Lanie rolled her eyes and grabbed her coat and water bottle before she confronted the two. "You're a disgrace. Keeping track of humiliating a man that has done nothing to you."

"Woah," One of them waved his hands, "are you siding with Judas?"

Lanie scoffed and dumped the water from her bottle on their heads. "You two are worthless pigs."

She stormed out of the morgue and into the elevator all the way to the homicide floor. She tossed her coat on Beckett's desk and quickly went to the men's locker room.

She pushed open the doors that clearly said 'Men Only' and called Ryan's name. "Ryan?" She checked the stalls and didn't see him.

She turned around a row of lockers and saw him bent over a trash can pulling out his once clean clothes. There was a bruised patch of skin on his side, probably from the trip down a flight of fucking steps. She sighed when he tried to clean the unknown liquid that had soaked them.

"Ryan." She said more softly this time.

He jumped at the voice and blushed as he dropped his clothes to hold his towel closer.

"I didn't mean to startle you." She said and walked closer to pick up his ruined clothes.

"No, you didn't." He smiled sadly, "I'm just not used to being called that." He admitted.

Lanie sighed, "Why do you let them treat you like shit?" She pulled a wet napkin off his boxer shorts.

"I deserve it." He said in a way that scared Lanie because he actually believed he deserved all of this.

"No you don't, Kevin." She whispered when he took his clothes from her hands and slipped his boxers on underneath the towel.

"Give me one reason why." He shrugged into his now stained white t-shirt.

"You're not Judas." She said sternly.

"Yeah I am." He pulled on his sweats which thankfully weren't wet or stained.

"Kevin," She winced at him. "Use Javi's clothes." She gestured to his locker.

His eyes widened. "No, he wouldn't want me to do that. I'm fine with mine." He shook his head.

"He's your partner, why else would he share his combo with you?!"

"I'm just Judas now." He frowned before walking around her and out to the bullpen.

Whatever Javi did to him to make Kevin feel this unwanted, Lanie would make sure he fixed everything.

Tell me where, did I go wrong

Everyone I loved, they're all gone

I'd do everything so differently

but I can't turn back the time

There's no shelter from the storm inside of me

Kevin slammed his apartment door shut and sighed in relief. Although the other detectives harassed him non-stop at work, his apartment was the one place he was safe at.

Well, he was safe at least until he went to sleep, so he solved that by staying awake until he passed out with no energy to have a nightmare. Which was about two days with no sleep, so every two days he was awarded with 3 hours of sleep.

But that's okay because he'd do anything to keep that dream away. Once he was actually graced with a dream that Javi had forgave him. They were playing Madden and joking, like they usually do.

But then he'd waken up.

And he went to work and the cycle of teasing began again because he guesses it's fun for a bunch of grown men to act like toddlers.

Ryan stumbled to his bedroom and pulled his gross t-shirt off and his bottoms and replaced it with a fresh pair of boxers. He was too lazy to put anything else on so he stumbled into the kitchen to find something to snack on to keep him up.

Not a full meal, he hadn't eaten an actual meal in a week or so. Just a piece of bread and a chocolate chip cookie with beer every now and then. Staying awake so nightmares didn't plague his mind required some source of energy.

He plopped down on the couch and flipped through channels not finding anything particularly interesting so he shut off the television and picked up the book he had taken out of his drawer the other day, but kept putting off actaully reading it.

He sighed and opened the Book to start reading because he knew who Judas was, but maybe there was something about his story that could tell him what woud happen to hiM.

He skimmed through, but didn't find anything he didn't know already. But one thing stumped him. Judas betrayed Jesus and since he was Judas, that made Javi Jesus. Jesus was never angry at Judas though, he forgave him; Jesus always forgives. If he was Javi's Judas then why couldn't Javier forgive him?

There's no way out of this dark place

No hope, no future I know I can't be free

and I can't see another way

I can't face another day

Ryan stumbled in to work the day at 6 am on the dot. He hadn't slept in 2 and a half days and it was starting to take a toll on him, but he had to keep working. He wouldn't give the others something else to yell at him for.

He had been going through the day slowly, but awake. Well until he took a minute rest on the couch, but accidently fell asleep.

XxX

"Yo," Esposito said answering his phone when he saw Lanie's ID scroll across his screen.

"Javier Esposito, what have you done?!" She practically screamed into the phone.

"Woah! Chica, what's wrong?" He said trying to remember anything he might of done wrong.

"Don't play stupid, you know how you've been treating Kevin."

Esposito groaned, "Not you too, I mean come on! He betrayed us!"

Lanie scoffed, "He saved your life, damnit. And he's your partner, but you've been treating him like a piece shit."

"He deserves everything I'm giving him." Esposito rolled his eyes.

"You're blind aren't you? Oh wait, you don't see him anymore because all you do is ignore Ryan so you wouldn't see how much you've broken him."

"Wha-What do you mean?" How did he break Kevin?

"Oh just the usual, he doesn't sleep, or eat, but when he does sleep he has nightmares. Nobody has called him Ryan since you dubbed him Judas because that's his new name. There's a new game going around the prescient I'm sure you'd love, it's called 'Who Can Humiliate Ryan the Most?' with bonus points for physical injuries. But my favorite part is that he lets everyone push him around because his partner does and why would his partner ever do anything to intentionally hurt him." She took in a deep breath after that mouthful.

"He can't believe it's true."

"Well, yeah he does, so whenever your little hissy fit is over and you decide to stick up for your partner; get your sorry ass to him and save him before it's too late."

Javier didn't need to be told twice, he was already halfway out the door by the time she hung up because nobody hurt his partner and lived.

He made it to the 12th at about 9:45, 15 minutes after Lanie had called him. He stormed into the bullpen looking around frantically for his partner.

"It's about time you came," Karpowski rolled her eyes as she walked past. "He's in the breakroom." She jabbed her thumb at the back of the bullpen.

He nodded and looked over at the door. A small crowd (maybe two or three) of officers were blocking his view of the inside, but they were laughing obnoxiously at something...

"There's a new game going around the prescient I'm sure you'd love, it's called 'Who Can Humiliate Ryan the Most?' with bonus points for physical injuries."

There was no way in Hell he was going to let them bully his partner if he could help it; he was already suspended so what would a week or two more do? After all, it would be self defense because he had his partner's back.

xXx

"Castle!"

Ryan heard Beckett screaming as he raced up the stairs. His legs weren't moving as fast as he wanted them to. She would fall if he didn't hurry up.

"I'm coming, Beckett!" He screamed through tears he didn't even know were pouring down his face. The staircase seemed to be endless as he climbed floor after floor until finally he reached the top.

He threw open the metal door and ran to the edge of the roof where Beckett was dangling. He bent to his knees and offered a hand to help pull her up, but he lost balance. No one was behind him to hold him as he grabbed Beckett, where did his back up go?

Now he was tumbling through the air almost about to hit the ground, but now Beckett was gone as well and he was falling through endless darkness. But the falling sensation was soon over and now he was lying helpless on the ground and voices swirled around his head. Then the kicks followed.

"Get up, Judas."

Kick.

"You've got work."

Kick.

That kick woke him up though, his eyes shot open and there he was on the floor by the breakroom couch (because one of the officers had pushed him off) and words and kicks were being showered upon him as if he was their punching bag.

If Javi was here, it would be exactly like his nightmare. He would prefer it stayed like this because he didn't want to see his partner abandon him in real life as well.

But a new voice crushed his hopes. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Javier.

"Hey, Esposito," One smirked, "we've been keeping Judas in line while you were gone." He clapped the Latino's shoulder.

Esposito looked down at his exhausted partner who's blood shot eyes looked anywhere else in the room other than at Javi.

"Would you like the honors?" He said gesturing to Kevin who tried to sit up, but was held down by one.

Esposito growled at the man, but Kevin thinking the growl was meant for him, whimpered quietly and shut his eyes. The man that still had a hand on his chest laughed, "Shut up, Judas."

That was the last straw for Esposito; he grabbed the man's arm roughly pulling him away from his partner and shoved him to the wall, "Keep your hands off my partner or I will knock your ass into next week."

"But, I thought, I mean, he's Judas!" The captured man stuttered.

Esposito pushed his head harder into the wall, "Call him Judas again and there will be another murder for us in a matter of seconds."

The frightened man gulped, "Got it, I'm sorry."

Esposito pulled him away and made him face Kevin, "Apologize to my partner, not me, dickwad."

"I'm sorry, Ryan, it'll never happen again..." He nodded his head along with one of the others before Esposito threw him out the door.

The last was about to leave, but Esposito grabbed his arm pulling him back. The man turned around, "What-" but Esposito's fist to his face interrupted his sentence.

"If I see you lay a hand on him again, whether it's a push off a couch or a kick, or a trip or even a high five; I will end you." He promised.

The injured officer kept a hand to his jaw with narrowed eyes before stomping out towards Gate's office.

Esposito sighed before slowly turning to face his partner that was pulling himself to the couch. "Bro, I'm sorry how they've been treating you."

Ryan watched him with weary eyes, "Why'd you stop them?"

Esposito blinked, was Kevin being spiteful or did he really think that he would just let them push him around? "I'm your partner."

"I thought I was Judas." He stated more than asked.

"I was mad and-"

"I'd be mad too, traitors deserved to be punished."

"Kev, you're not a traitor." He sat down next to his partner.

"I'm not?" Kevin seemed truly surprised.

"No," Javi shook his head trying to look into his partner's broken blue eyes and not cry. "You're my partner and I love you, bro."

Ryan stiffened until his smile grew and he relaxed pulling him in for a hug. "You don't know how long I've waited to hear that, bro."

Javi closed his eyes and hugged Kevin, "I'm sorry I took so long."

Kevin laughed into Espo's shoulder before pulling back, "I know how you can make it up to me."

"Madden Night?" Espo smiled.

"My place at 7?"

"Deal."

"Get ready to get your ass handed to you, Javi." Ryan laughed.

"Not likely." He stood up with his partner as they walked out into the breakroom in sync with their usual bantering; the Ryan and Esposito duo was back.

I can't believe the words I hear

It's like an answer to a prayer

When I look around I see

This place, this time, this friend of mine

I know it's hard but you found somehow

To look into your heart and to forgive me now

You've given me the strength to see just where my journey ends

You've given me the strength to carry on

Ryan smiled at his partner and thanked God for miracles because this time last night he was trying to stay awake to avoid nightmares, but tonight he's sharing beer with his best friend. It was interesting how much an apology can do.

"Thanks, Javi." Ryan smiled taking another sip from his beer.

"For what, bro?"

"Forgiving me," He smiled shyly causing Esposito's heart to stutter. "I know how hard it must have been."

"Bro, it was only hard because I was being a jerk. You mean more to me than stupid pride."

Ryan seemed to be having a little too much to drink, but Javi didn't mind. "You mean the world to me too." His eyes started to droop, but he wanted to stay awake. "I hope the nightmares are over because I don't think I can handle them anymore." He went to take another sip, but Javi pushed his hand down.

Javi knew that he'd get information from his partner because he was a little tipsy, taking advantage, "What, um, were your nightmares about, Kev?" He regretted his decision of looking in his partner's eyes when he stared back sadly.

"You don't forgive me." He said bluntly before shifting his eyes back and forth. "Everyone hates the Judas and I'm Judas. I thought they were going to kill me, but then you came," He paused and whispered the last part, "and did it for them."

Javi's eyes widened and he reached out to grab his partner's shoulders, "Kev, are you crazy? Why would I? You're my partner and oh my God, Kevin." He felt tears burning his eyes as he pulled Kevin into a tight hug. "Kevin, please don't ever think that again. Whatever I may say do, please know that I would never want that."

Javier felt Kevin's hands curl into fists around the back of his shirt. "I never thought you would; the others may have thought it was a game, but I know you were truly hurting and we're brothers." He nestled his head into Javi's neck and admitted, "I was just afraid that you'd never forgive me."

"We're brothers, of course I would." Javi went to let go, but he felt Kevin still holding on.

"I know, bro." He hiccuped and pulled back. "I'm glad we made up because there's no-one I'd rather have watch my back than you."

Javi laughed with a slight nod. He was glad they made up as well because he knew neither could survive without each other. They were partners until the wheels fell off.

A half hour later, Kevin was passed out on the couch and Javi was left in silence. He looked around his friend's apartment and realized how much he would lose if he let Ryan go.

These late nights, the beer and take-out, the friendship...

He sighed and leaned back on Ryan's roadkill coach. How could he be so stupid? He shut his eyes and rubbed at them trying to get the painful memories of that day from his head. Watching as that officer pushed his partner off the couch and joined the others with kicking and he realized it was his fault. The reason they were treating Kevin like crap was because Javi showed anger towards his partner and the others thought that if it was okay for Javi to treat Kevin like he was nothing then why couldn't they?

Javier tried to rest and tell himself that all of that was in the past. Kevin forgave him (but that was expected because Javier knew that he partner was begging for forgiveness).

"Javi, I'm sorry."

Javier slowly peeked his eyes open trying to decide whether or not what he heard was from his partner or his head.

"I'm not Judas." That was definitley his partner mumbling.

Javier faced his partner who was restlessly moaning and twisting in his sleep. He was having the nightmare. The nightmare where his best friend killed him. Where he killed him.

Kevin's arm stretched out unconsciously and Javier grabbed it pulling him up into his hold. "Kevin wake up," He shook his shoulder, but that only made him try and get out of his grip.

"Kevin," He was shaking him with more force trying to awake him, but the more he seemed to shake him the more upset Kevin became.

Javier stopped suddenly when he remembered his days back during service and one of his buddies started having nightmares after his first kill. He told Javier that if he ever woke him up with nightmares not to try and shake him awake, but to soothe him.

Countless nights of sitting by his friend's cot during his nightmares and trying his best to convince him that it was his fault he killed that soldier and that he wasn't a murderer, was hard to forget.

Javier took a shuddering breath grabbing Kevin's flailing hand. "Kev, please calm down. I don't blame you one bit and you're not a Judas." Javi knew he had explained all of this to his partner earlier and Kev had seemed to have been healed, but deep in his conscience he still blamed himself.

"Kevin, please, I'm your partner. I will protect you. You just have to trust me because I love you." He whispered in his ear wiping a tear off his cheek.

Kevin seemed to be almost back in a peaceful sleep, but he knew he had to say one thing in order for Kevin to completely understand that Javier never blamed him. "Kevin, you saved mine and Beckett's life that day. If it weren't for you; Beckett would be dead. I'd be dead. Thank you for having my back. And please know I will always have yours because your my partner. Until the wheels fall off."

Javier wasn't sure exactly when his partner calmed down, but when we he finished and lifted his head that had fallen to Kevin's chest, Kevin was finally sleeping with no problem.

Javier smiled in relief before squeezing his partner's hand and laying by his side.

And when Kevin woke in the middle of the night to find Javier so close that he felt his warm breath on his neck between every quiet snore. It was then that he knew that Javier really was going to be there with him until the end.

I see the path from this dark place,

I see my future

Your forgiveness has set me free

Oh and I can see another way

I can face another day!