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Neon Genesis Evangelion: Conversation with my 14 year old self
Asuka Langely Soryu pilot of the giant synthetic robot Evangelion Unit-02, sat in her robot's pilot seat. She was suited up in her blood red plug suit, LCL fluid surrounding her in the entry plug. All systems were active and working, the robot having been repaired after the recent injuries dealt to it by Evangelion Unit-01. Unit-02 had been taken over by one of the enemies known as Angels just a little while before when Asuka had been incapacitated by an earlier attack.
Asuka was seated in the entry plug at the controls, but that wasn't because she was healed. The Japanese Government was being subverted by the group SEELE and tricked into attacking the NERV command center. With an attack a sure thing, the safest place for Asuka was inside of a giant fighting robot, so her Guardian, Misato Katsuragi had placed her there.
The pilot sat at her controls, huddled up into the fetal position. She had only just come out of a coma caused by mental trauma. While physically she was fine, if slightly emancipated due to lack of care and nutrition, inside she was still in turmoil.
"Mama…" muttered Asuka, her face buried in her knees and her long red hair blocking any part of her face that might be visible. "I don't want to go. Don't kill me Mama…"
All of the comms and feeds were cut, blinding Asuka to the outside world. Not that she cared about any of that at the moment. She hadn't tried the controls yet, but she knew already that Unit-02 wouldn't listen to her any more.
My whole life has been about piloting Eva, she thought to herself. I can't pilot anymore. I'm useless. Why am I still alive?
But Asuka knew the answer to that question already. She was too afraid. She didn't want to die. Conversely, she didn't know what to do with herself now. Stuck between having lost her only purpose for living and dying, Asuka knew she was too much of a coward to end the suffering. She was too weak to continue and try to find a new purpose. Stuck in a rut she couldn't get out of even though she secretly wanted to leave it.
Since her mother had killed herself years ago Asuka had been alone. She didn't rely on anyone. She couldn't rely on anyone. She had already lost her most important person, why risk losing another? Kaji had been the closest to filling the spot, but he just could never see her as anything but a kid. And if he had taken the place, what then? Would he have followed Kyoko Soryu's example and killed himself? Trying to take Asuka with him, but being so far gone in dementia that he took a doll with him to death instead? Asuka hadn't seen Kaji for a while though, he had just disappeared, leaving her alone. She had no one.
When she thought that though, images filled her head. Her guardian and superior commander Misato Katsuragi appeared. Directing her in battles against the Angels. Drinking beer sloppily while relaxing back at the apartment they shared. Taking her out for meals after a job well done.
Misato hadn't been there for her after Asuka's mind had been violated by the 15th angel though. She had abandoned her to concentrate on other matters. Falling deeper into depression, Asuka tried to block memories of her other housemate. Pilot of Evangelion Unit-01, Shinji Ikari was the most useless male on the planet in Asuka's opinion. He always ran away from his problems, shutting himself from the world. He was so wishy-washy and had awful reasons for piloting Eva. Everyone pitied him and he always managed to outshine her. When her mind had been assaulted he had also left her alone. Abandoned her.
The comms crackled to life and a voice started to speak, informing Asuka of something. Asuka just ignored it, pulling her legs in tighter. The voice had nothing to do with her. Nothing did anymore. It was all irrelevant. Asuka decided she'd just sit in Unit-02 until she died. The last place she felt safe and useful in.
Suddenly a pink flash lit up the entry plug of the Evangelion. Asuka moved to shield her eyes with her arms, looking away while she did so. When the glow died down, she looked back and was shocked by what she saw.
"Mama…" she whispered.
In front of her was a specter from the past. Kyoko Zeppelin Soryu, dead for the last several years was floating in the LCL fluid in front of Asuka. Last Asuka had seen her she had been demented and showed it, unable to tell her own daughter from a doll.
The woman in front of her now looked to be roughly in her late twenties. She was dressed in a plug suit similar to Asuka's except for the torso part being orange and red instead of only red. She had long red hair and the same piercing blue eyes as Asuka. There was an air of sadness about her, tough experiences etched into her face. At the same time she looked like someone who laughed easily and often. The woman looked directly at Asuka and gave a sad smile.
"Get out of here!" yelled Asuka, groping around for something to throw, but finding nothing. Panic infused her voice. "You abandoned me! You tried to kill me! I don't need you here! I don't need anyone here! Everyone left so they can stay gone!"
The woman moved towards her and Asuka reacted by flailing her arms in an attempt to keep her away. She was surprised when her fist hit flesh and bone. Despite the broken nose the woman now had, she continued towards Asuka, fighting through the flailing limbs.
The next thing Asuka knew she was being embraced by the woman. She didn't know when last she had been held like this, but something about the gesture just comforted her.
"It's going to be alright," whispered the woman in her ear. Asuka knew the voice and she knew it wasn't her mother. The discovery almost disappointed her, but she was too shocked by the revelation to dwell on it. "You are loved. Even if you think no one else loves you, know that I will always love you."
Asuka stopped fighting the embrace and instead moved to return it, tears falling freely down her face. She felt a third presence appear behind her. Asuka could feel it as the presence moved and joined in the embrace, wrapping its arms around the two women in plug suits. Asuka never saw her, but she knew who it was, and this time with a sigh of relief and happiness she whispered.
"Mama…"
"I love you Asuka," said Kyoko from behind Asuka. "I'm sorry for the pain I've caused you, but from now on I won't leave you to face things alone."
Asuka felt as Kyoko faded away from behind her, but only as a physical presence. She could feel her mother all around her. She was in Unit-02, watching and waiting for the moment her daughter would need her.
The woman in front of Asuka also eventually let go, looking down at her with a smile.
"I have to go now," she said while starting to fade from Asuka's sight. "The enemy's coming, but I know that you can handle it. Go get them."
The woman in the plug suit disappeared, leaving Asuka alone, but feeling more surrounded than ever before. Asuka slowly moved to grab the controls of her Eva. When she did, Unit-02 lit up, coming to life at her touch.
"Let's do this Mama," she said, resolve filling her voice.
Unit-02 snapped into action, leaping out of the lake it had been hiding in. Tanks, planes and foot soldiers all looked up as she slammed into the ground. They had their orders, kill the pilots and their Evangelions. Ignoring everything else, they opened fire.
Asuka stuck her hands out and activated her Eva's AT field, an orange hexagonal field popping into place and protecting her. She then switched into offense, projecting the field outwards and slicing through the enemy like a hot knife through butter. In only a few brief moments the barrage at her slacked off and stopped entirely, the few surviving units fleeing.
Asuka heard a noise and looked up. Nine planes could be seen flying towards her. They discharged their cargo and fled. Nine monstrous giants landed on the ground with a crash, cratering the ground. Each monster was bone white with elongated eyeless heads, an expression of constant sick amusement forever plastered on their faces. They each pulled large double sided blades off holsters on their backs and brandished them at the surrounded Unit-02. She didn't know what they were, and she didn't care. The things practically oozed hostile intent and Asuka didn't plan on going down anytime soon.
Before any of the combatants could move though, another loud crash rang though out the area. Asuka looked at saw as a giant purple and green figure leaped through the air, a large red lance flying into its hands. Evagelion Unit-01 landed right next to one of the white figures. It looked up at the thing with menace in its posture and struck, its lance slicing the thing in half. Blood fountained from the fallen monster, coating Unit-01. Some might have been scared at the sight, but instead Asuka was relieved.
"Shinji," she muttered to herself. Shinji Ikari had arrived to give her back up, and Asuka was feeling like she could do anything.
Sadly, the eight remaining monsters were also some of the few that weren't scared by Shinji's appearance and instead charged at the Evangelions. Four went towards each robot, trying to separate them. Unit-01 kicked up the fallen monster's blade and launched it at one of the monsters going towards Asuka. The blade embedded itself straight into the thing's back, knocking it forward into a waiting Asuka's attack. She brought her hands down, forcing the monsters elongated face into her knee, crushing it. She then ripped out the blade from the monsters back, making sure to rip the fallen enemy in half, just to be sure. As the chunks fell to the ground, Asuka caught a glimpse of a shattered red orb inside the thing, the light flickering and dying in the pieces.
Unit-02 threw the weapon again, this time at one of Shinji's enemies. The blade pierced straight through the things chest, causing the whole thing to explode in blood and gore, and finally stopped when it embedded into a mountain. Asuka picked up the blade of the one at her feet and brought it around to bear on her remaining three enemies. She twirled the weapon, dancing straight into the enemy as she did so. She kicked and chopped at the three enemies. They couldn't get close enough to her to land a blow. One of the monsters tried to get behind her and strike, but Asuka had anticipated it and her blade was waiting to pierce and eviscerate her foe.
Within a few moments, Asuka had made it to her goal. Unit-02 and Unit-01 stood back to back facing the four remaining enemies. While making their way together, Shinji had dispatched one, chopping it into tiny chunks and taken off the arm of another. An observer might say the two were surrounded, but the pilots knew they were the ones with a superior position.
The two Evangelions each moved, their blood red weapons flashing forward. The white monsters they were striking at raised their own weapons to block. The pilots were already working around that though. Their arms linked, Shinji dug his lance into the ground and flung Asuka around him. The red Eva created a blur as it sliced through one of the unsuspecting monsters.
Before the enemies could react to their new positions, the two pilots brought their weapons down through two of the three remaining enemies. The last monster didn't even have a chance as Shinji swung his lance down at the same moment Asuka swung horizontally. The monster was simultaneously cut in half two ways and the chunks fell to the ground.
The pilots stood there catching their breath for a moment. A voice crackled over the comm declaring that the army had surrendered. NERV was safe, the battle had been won. Asuka would learn it was not without casualties though. Some of the soldiers had made it into the headquarters and killed everyone they encountered. Misato had been one of the casualties, giving her life to get Shinji to Unit-01. When Asuka had walked over and offered her condolences to Shinji, she had found herself really meaning what she said. The loss didn't bring her to tears, but it hurt none the less.
The two teens were moved from their old apartment to rooms inside NERV while things were being sorted out and left with very little information. All they knew was that several personnel were still unaccounted for, including Rei Ayanami, pilot of Unit-00 and Commander Ikari, head of NERV and Shinji's father. Asuka might have cared about being kept in the dark a while before, but now she was just glad for a chance to rest and sort out her thoughts.
Shinji and Asuka's rooms were placed next to each other and one day she came out of the shower wearing fresh clothes to find Shinji knocking on her door. She let him inside without hesitation, something she never would have done just weeks before. The only place to sit was the bed, so they both sat down on it next to each other.
Asuka could feel her face turning red at the proximity to him, and a quick glanced revealed that he seemed to be just as embarrassed. Neither teen seemed to know why they had gotten so close. Asuka just knew that's she couldn't keep running. She might have accused Shinji of always fleeing trouble, but she realized she had been guilty of it also. No one had gotten close to her because she hadn't allowed it. Standing up on a pedestal, just challenging someone to try to ascend, it was no surprise most everyone had avoided trying to reach the level she set.
"So," said Asuka, speaking first. "Did you want something from me?"
"I just wanted to talk," replied Shinji timidly, although his voice was also full of resolve. "Is that ok?"
"I guess I can spare you some time," replied Asuka, curtly. She wanted to kick mentally kick herself, but her old habits of abuse and distancing were hard to break. Shinji wavered slightly, but pushed on anyways.
"After Misato got me to into the cage with Unit-01, I found that it was encased in sealant, stopping it from moving," Shinji looked down at his lap and clenched and unclenched his hands. "I actually almost gave up at that point. I couldn't save Misato, and there was no way I could save you. It was in that moment of despair that I saw him. You might think I'm crazy, but I swear he was real. Walked right up to me, hugged me and encouraged me to keep moving forward."
Shinji looked up at Asuka, his eyes pleading with her to believe him.
"He didn't say anything before he vanished, but I just know that he was me from the future."
Shinji tensed up with that line, as if expecting a verbal assault. Usually he would have been right, but Asuka was not in a usual mood.
"I saw it too," she said, a stunned Shinji staring at her. "At first I thought she was my mother, but then I realized she was me. She told me I was loved. That she loved me. It felt so good to hear someone say that. At that moment, I realized that if I could still manage to love myself after all I've seen and done, then maybe I could keep going on living."
Neither teen exchanged anymore words that night. They just sat on the bed next to each other in silence. As the minutes ticked by, the two drifted closer together. Eventually they were touching shoulder to shoulder.
When the new Commander of NERV, Fuyutski, walked in in the morning to talk to Shinji, he was greeted by the two teens just leaning against each other, asleep. The old man smiled slightly at the sight and turned around, walking out. Debriefing the two teens could wait, at that moment he felt the urge to just go outside and take a breath of fresh air. To feel the sun on his skin. To feel alive.