Disclaimer: Don't own a thing. Seriously.
Pairing: Mostly gen. Squint and search for Itachi x Sasuke, Sasori x Deidara
Warning: Pure and unadultered crack. Consume in small amounts and with water at hand.
Request and Re-Approach Chronicles
By: yukuro
FILE I:
The tea was ready—Deidara had insisted on the tea although he really didn't need it ("To keep your skin soft," Deidara had said in an almost-whine that he found increasingly bothersome). Sasori stretched out his arms. He just finished polishing Hiruko and checking for mishaps, which happily his dear puppet lacked. After all that, he was looking forward to spending some time alone in peace since Deidara had been called away for some reason or another, and therefore making him unable to bother Sasori.
Finally. Some alone time.
"Sasori."
Or not. Damn it.
"What?" he snapped irritably, turning his red head towards the sound of the voice. He scowled darkly when he faced the owner of the intruding voice. "Itachi."
"How experienced are you at making human puppets?" Itachi asked seriously with a deadpan expression.
Sasori almost scoffed at the question. "So those rumors about you losing your eyesight are true aren't they?"
"Living ones," Itachi cut in.
"Why do you want to know?" Sasori asked suspiciously, eyeing the tall teen through narrowed eyes.
"I'm interested in learning."
Sasori raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
Deadpan expression not changing, Itachi went on dully, "I was thinking my cute and foolish little brother might be able to dance. I kind of want to see it."
The teacup spilled over. Sasori stared with a twitching eyebrow.
"What the…? No way in hell. Such a stupid reason…"
"Maybe try a different approach, Itachi-san," Kisame suggested from around the corner while waving his arms cheerfully.
"Huh."
That's when Sasori knew it would be a long, long day.
---
FILE II:
Sasori let out a breath of relief when Itachi and Kisame finally disappeared. He wondered if it was possible for him to have headaches, because if it were, he presently had one. Closing his eyes in irritation, he let out an annoyed-sounding groan.
"Sasori."
Again?
"What do you want?" Sasori snapped twice as more viciously as he had the first time when Itachi appeared behind him again. "I'm not going to teach you how to make puppets. You don't even have a good reason for wanting to know."
"I've reformed my answer," Itachi declared, little to no emotion in his voice as he did so. Tone completely flat, he continued, "After turning my adorable little brother into a puppet, I'll hug him and kiss him and sing lullabies too if you'd like."
Sasori now definitely had to re-hinge his jaw. Literally.
"Kisame," Itachi called over his shoulder at his partner. "I told you your response wouldn't work on him."
"Oh yeah," Kisame agreed thoughtfully as he stepped out of the shadows while rubbing his chin. "Sometimes I forget we're all mass murders."
Pushing his jaw back into place, Sasori felt the air around him crackle. Darkly, he commanded, "Go away."
Itachi hardly spared a shrug before stepping away again with Kisame at his heels.
The redhead was sure now. Although Itachi may be the most feared of them all, he was probably also the one with the most warped train of thought. Then again, they were mass murders. That meant they all had warped trains of thought. Sasori shook his head.
No, no. Itachi was definitely the weirdest.
---
FILE III:
Sasori was sure that if he were a puppet with wires, the wires would have snapped already. His mental wires were probably already on the brink of doing so as well.
"Sasori."
He did not even bother to turn.
"Voodoo dolls of Sasuke."
Completely ignored.
"Let's start all over, Itachi-san," Kisame suggested brightly with a pat on the teen's back as they turned towards the way they came.
"Don't come back," Sasori scowled.
---
FILE IV:
"Sasori, Sasori! We've got it now!"
He really wanted to hurl his hammer at Kisame's face for continuously coming back to bother him. What the hell was wrong with these two?
Itachi paused, as if waiting for dramatic purposes, before stating loudly, "Cosplay."
Sasori nearly fell over.
"Sasuke-kun would make a good dress-up doll, right?" Kisame asked with a toothy shark grin. "He's cute enough. Makes you want to kiss him. Or eat him."
Itachi elbowed his partner in a possessive manner. Sasuke was his foolish little brother to kiss or eat or torture or whatever, damn it.
"Just die already," Sasori almost begged as nearly visible black flames burned in his eyes.
---
FILE V:
"Sasori."
AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
"If we built this large wooden badger…"
"GO TO HELL."
---
FILE VI:
"Kisame will polish Hiruko for you."
"…I will?"
Sasori immediately dove for his beloved puppets and shot death glares at the two. Head nearly spinning, he snarled vehemently, "Touch them and I'll kill you!"
"Another failure, Itachi-san," Kisame sighed.
As they retreated, Kisame vaguely wondered if that was really venom or acid seeping from the corners of Sasori's mouth.
---
FILE VII:
"If we catch Sasuke-kun while he's sleeping, you think you could—"
"NO!"
---
FILE VIII:
Itachi's eyes glinted.
"Help us or we'll molest you."
Sasori glared back.
"See what you can actually find that doesn't cut your fingers off."
Kisame stared blankly in confusion.
"Huh?"
"…"
---
FILE IX:
Sasori was reaching his limit of tolerating idiocy. He slouched hopelessly over his puppets, waiting for the next opportunity to tell Itachi and Kisame to die or go to hell. All of this had to start right when he thought he had a free opportunity to be alone for once. Right after Deidara left.
…
…
…
Deidara. Stupidity just might be able to deflect stupidity. Yes! The solution!
Suddenly, the blond seemed like his long lost best friend (or pet dog, if you will) that had yet to be found.
But then, like a godsend miracle, a familiar voice that thankfully did not belong to Itachi or Kisame.
"Sasori-danna! I'm back! Did you miss m—! Eh?"
The moment Deidara came into reach, Sasori instantly latched himself around his partner's waist, shocking the blond into blushing faintly (not that Sasori noticed—he was too busy shielding himself). Miserably, the redhead groaned, "Don't ever leave my side again, you wonderful damn idiot, you."
As Sasori continued to tightly cling to his waist, Deidara blinked and cocked his head slightly. He definitely did not understand what was happening, or Sasori's sudden change of heart for that matter, but he rather liked it. Grinning widely, he pat Sasori's red head cheerfully. "If you say so, Sasori-danna!"
Score plus one and level up.
---
FILE X:
"You know, Itachi-san," Kisame began thoughtfully, tapping the side of his face. "I heard there's a young puppet master still in the Hidden Sand Village. There's no way he's better than Sasori, but he could be adequate, right?"
"…maybe."
"Then we should go bother him next!" Kisame declared, rising determinedly to his feet. "Shall we, Itachi-san?"
"…I kind of like the cosplay idea."
File End.
---
A/N: There were themes to this...but they kind of got lost along the way. Heh. Anyway...this was...crack. I mean, I was seriously smoking something when I wrote this...or something. XD It must be the Tenipuri crack spreading over to my Naruto side. Wah! Beware! XD
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed. (Oh, hay, and review :D)
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