Title: Trapped in ANother World
Author: Britani Gael
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: The Lord of the Rings
Genre: Parody/Humor
Summary: I wrote this quite a while ago, after a day of reading fanfiction, and being appalled at how the book's characters were twisted and maimed, all in the name of fanfiction. I felt a desire to strike back, but could do nothing, short of stealing every bad fanfic writer's computer, or at least cutting their internet connection. So this is the best I could do. Sorry if I offend anyone, but, remember, you drove me to this.
Legolas saw her standing across the way at Rivendell, and he decided that she was the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. Never mind that he had been to Lothlorien and looked upon the Lady Galadriel herself, or had he? Maybe that hadn't happened yet. He wondered. In fact, he couldn't see how this event fit into the timeline of the story at all. This he quickly forgot, and he returned to the woman.
She had hair of gold, or maybe brown, and her eyes were like some sort of beautiful gem. He face was like, well, whatever. She looked good. Legolas felt himself drawn to her. Maybe it was her beauty that was making him loose control of his actions, or maybe it was the steady click click he heard in the back of his mind, almost like the typing of fingers on a -
"My lady," he said to her. "I must know thy name, for even my sharp elven eyes can find no flaw in your appearence. My heart is set aflutter."
She grinned. "Whatever. My name's Britani."
Legolas suddenly felt suspicious. He looked up, not at the sky, but at the top of the page. He read: "Title: Trapped in Another World. Author: Brit-"
"But you may call me by my randomly generated Evlish/Middle-Earth sounding name of Validream."
"Oh, okay." Legolas took a step closer to her, and felt his arms start to move woodenly, like he was becoming a mere puppet in the hands of the author. He bent his face towards her, as if to kiss her ...
Suddenly, he rebelled. He yelped, and took several steps back. "Sorry, ma'am, I mean, my lady," he stammered. "I'm, uh, married, yeah."
And then he saw her, Senetha, his wife for the past few centeries. Her hair was as silver, her body lush and curvy, and he would be returning to her after he finished his duties as --
"No!" Legolas screamed, and he clapped his hands over his ears, trying to drown out the click, click, click sound that was drowning out all sense and reason. And then he was hit by three solid, mental blows that rendered him unconcious. In other words, the scene cut.
* * *
Legolas awoke on a soft bed. He sighed, it had all been a dream. An awful dream. Aned yet he still felt that sense if twisting, the destroying of his very soul. And then he heard it again. Click. Click. Click.
He opened his eyes in horror. Standing above him was Aragorn, son of Arathorn. "Aragorn," he gasped. "You must help me!"
But Aragorn acted like he had never spoke. He had his head bowed, and he sighed. "We feared you would never wake," he said softly.
Legolas' eyes widened as he looked at Aragorn, and he felt a sense of dread come over him. They had been in Rivendell for ... he didn't know, for time had lost all sense of meaning for him. But Aragorn was still in his torn, ragged black outfit, and, God, didn't that man know how to shave?
But, then, as suddenly as anything that had happened so far, Legolas felt a change come over him. He felt his heart pound with desire for ... for ... Aragorn? Suddenly, the coat of grime looked less disgusting, the stubble looked appealing, more appealing than any elf maiden he had ever seen. Maybe --
Legolas shrieked, and huddled at the corner of the bed, and drew the blanket over his head. There. Again, he had almost given way to the thing that crept inside his head, and everywhere else as well. Click. Click.
"Oh, Legolas," said Aragorn. Legolas could hear him walking around the bed. "Poor, young, innocent Legolas."
Legolas scurried over to the other side of the bed, but he could feel his resolve slipping. Still, the rational part of his mind was still trying to cling to reality as he knew it.
"Legolas," continued Aragorn. "We could be as one, you and I, and I could wipe all the heartache from you. We could be made as man and wife, for I am king, and can remove all the laws against that sort of thing. Of course, you would have to be the wife, with that hair and all --"
With a great leap, Legolas bounded off the bed, passed Aragorn, and ran down the hall. He heard a long, unending scream, and realized that it was his own. So that was why his throat was hurting so bad. He wouldn't be able to sing for days.
He thought he heard Aragorn behind him, and darted into a room. There stood Elrond, regal and proud.
He fell at the Elf's feet. "Oh, Elrond," he sobbed. "You must help me! Aragorn is changed, I have changed, nothing is as it seems!"
The Elf lord gave no answer, and his face did not change from his stern expression. Hestitantly, Legolas moved to touch his feet. He realized that he touched nothing but cardboard!
The cardboard cutout of Elrond fell backwards, and Legolas could hear a recording start.
"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring," it said. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." Over and over. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."
Again, Legolas fell backwards, and all was dark.
* * *
It awoke him again. Click. Click. Click.
He sat straight up. A chill was upon his skin, and he was gasping for breath. He could feel it in the air. The wrongness of it all.
It wasn't over yet.
Gimli sat by the bed, running his thumb along the blade. "Oh. Up, are ye?" he said, his voice sounding very gruff, something like one would imagine a drunk Vikking would sound like. "Got a meeting to go to now, we do."
Legolas groaned. It had affected Gimli as well. It was almost more than he could stand.
"Catch me! Catch me if you can!" A small figure darted into Legolas' room. He caught a glint of gold. Three other child like figures bounded behind him.
"It's my turn with it, Frodo!" cried Merry.
"No! Mine!" That must have been Pippin.
Gimle chuckled. "Cute, aren't they?"
Legolas' jaw dropped. "No no no no no no," he whispered.
Sam then tackled Frodo to the ground, reaching for the chain around his neck. "Mine mine mine!" he cried on a high pitched voice.
Gimli chuckled again. "Oh, don't worry about them. They're just backround characters." And then he laughed. "Funny, isn't it? Before, they were the main characters and we were the backround characters. Tables turned now, aren't they?"
Legolas felt himself start to falter. "Yes," he said, distantly.
"To the meeting, friend Legolas!" cried Gimli, as he lept up.
"Yes," said Legolas, weaker than ever, and his resolve left him completely. He would be going to the meeting.
* * *
They went to the meeting room, and Legolas noticed that it was somewhat blurred around the edges, since no one had bothered to describe it. A bunch of nameless blonde elf dudes with no faces sat in a circle in the meeting room, along with all the important and semi-important characters.
Gandalf stood up. "Though I may be all powerful, I know next to nothing. Who is the main character of this particular story?"
The faceless elf-men all raised their arms and Legolas saw, to his horror, them all point to him.
"So, Legolas," said Gandalf. "What's our next move?"
"No," he said. "Not me, I, uh --"
"Don't worry, my boy," Gandalf said. "The right answer will come to you, just think about it."
Legolas found images floating in his mind. Oh yes, they were to go on a trip, an adventure, to seek the lost magical artifact of some important powerful guy, in the never before heard of land of ...
Legolas jumped up and screamed. "No no no no no!"
The Fellowship stared at him.
Click click click click. The sound was faster now, and Legolas had a feeling his story was near an end.
"Well, you're caught in it, all right," Gandalf said cheerilly. "Don't sweat it, just go with the flow, that's what I always say."
Legolas just stood there, frozen, immobile, etc., and then his eyes caught a glimpse of gold. There it was, the One Ring, sitting on a little silver chain on Frodo's neck.
Eyes flashing, Legolas lunged forward. The hobbits grabbed his arms, in a vain attempt to stop him, but he effortlessly shook them off. His hand closed on the ring, and he ripped it off Frodo's neck. Frodo dropped the the ground, sobbing hysterically.
Before anyone could stop him, not that anyone was trying, Legolas slipped the One Ring, on his finger, and disapeared.
There was a flash, and the ring fell out of the air, landing on the ground with a clink.
Legolas was gone.
* * *
"What is the matter, Legolas?"
Legolas was sitting straight up, breathing heavily. He was in a dry and desolate plain, for what he could not remember. It was nearly dawn, a few stars still shone in the sky. And there was no sound, merely silence. He listened again. Yes, silence.
Gimli and Aragorn were watching him, concern on their faces.
"Nothing is wrong, my friends," he said. He pressed a hand to his forehead. "A bad dream, I fear."
They continued to look at him, this time with looks of curiousity on their faces. Apparently, they had not known that Elves could suffer from nightmares. Niether had Legolas, for that matter.
"Well," said Aragorn. "We best hurry if we are to catch those Orcs." He nearly spat the name, and Legolas remembered where he was. They were chasing Orcs, hoping to save Merry and Pippin.
"Yes, we should," he said, standing up. The fog in his head had cleared, and he felt a sense of urgency. The Orcs were moving fast, probably faster than they were. They had to hurry if they had a chance of saving the Hobbits.
They set off immediatly, without further conversation. Aragorn ahead, bending over the ground and searching for tracks, Gimli at the rear.
Click.
Legolas stopped. He strained his ears, but heard nothing. He stood still for several seconds, more. There was nothing. Nothing, he told himself.
He shook his head and sped up his pace to catch up with his friends. Something told him he would have trouble sleeping tonight.
* * *
Author: Britani Gael
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: The Lord of the Rings
Genre: Parody/Humor
Summary: I wrote this quite a while ago, after a day of reading fanfiction, and being appalled at how the book's characters were twisted and maimed, all in the name of fanfiction. I felt a desire to strike back, but could do nothing, short of stealing every bad fanfic writer's computer, or at least cutting their internet connection. So this is the best I could do. Sorry if I offend anyone, but, remember, you drove me to this.
Legolas saw her standing across the way at Rivendell, and he decided that she was the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen. Never mind that he had been to Lothlorien and looked upon the Lady Galadriel herself, or had he? Maybe that hadn't happened yet. He wondered. In fact, he couldn't see how this event fit into the timeline of the story at all. This he quickly forgot, and he returned to the woman.
She had hair of gold, or maybe brown, and her eyes were like some sort of beautiful gem. He face was like, well, whatever. She looked good. Legolas felt himself drawn to her. Maybe it was her beauty that was making him loose control of his actions, or maybe it was the steady click click he heard in the back of his mind, almost like the typing of fingers on a -
"My lady," he said to her. "I must know thy name, for even my sharp elven eyes can find no flaw in your appearence. My heart is set aflutter."
She grinned. "Whatever. My name's Britani."
Legolas suddenly felt suspicious. He looked up, not at the sky, but at the top of the page. He read: "Title: Trapped in Another World. Author: Brit-"
"But you may call me by my randomly generated Evlish/Middle-Earth sounding name of Validream."
"Oh, okay." Legolas took a step closer to her, and felt his arms start to move woodenly, like he was becoming a mere puppet in the hands of the author. He bent his face towards her, as if to kiss her ...
Suddenly, he rebelled. He yelped, and took several steps back. "Sorry, ma'am, I mean, my lady," he stammered. "I'm, uh, married, yeah."
And then he saw her, Senetha, his wife for the past few centeries. Her hair was as silver, her body lush and curvy, and he would be returning to her after he finished his duties as --
"No!" Legolas screamed, and he clapped his hands over his ears, trying to drown out the click, click, click sound that was drowning out all sense and reason. And then he was hit by three solid, mental blows that rendered him unconcious. In other words, the scene cut.
* * *
Legolas awoke on a soft bed. He sighed, it had all been a dream. An awful dream. Aned yet he still felt that sense if twisting, the destroying of his very soul. And then he heard it again. Click. Click. Click.
He opened his eyes in horror. Standing above him was Aragorn, son of Arathorn. "Aragorn," he gasped. "You must help me!"
But Aragorn acted like he had never spoke. He had his head bowed, and he sighed. "We feared you would never wake," he said softly.
Legolas' eyes widened as he looked at Aragorn, and he felt a sense of dread come over him. They had been in Rivendell for ... he didn't know, for time had lost all sense of meaning for him. But Aragorn was still in his torn, ragged black outfit, and, God, didn't that man know how to shave?
But, then, as suddenly as anything that had happened so far, Legolas felt a change come over him. He felt his heart pound with desire for ... for ... Aragorn? Suddenly, the coat of grime looked less disgusting, the stubble looked appealing, more appealing than any elf maiden he had ever seen. Maybe --
Legolas shrieked, and huddled at the corner of the bed, and drew the blanket over his head. There. Again, he had almost given way to the thing that crept inside his head, and everywhere else as well. Click. Click.
"Oh, Legolas," said Aragorn. Legolas could hear him walking around the bed. "Poor, young, innocent Legolas."
Legolas scurried over to the other side of the bed, but he could feel his resolve slipping. Still, the rational part of his mind was still trying to cling to reality as he knew it.
"Legolas," continued Aragorn. "We could be as one, you and I, and I could wipe all the heartache from you. We could be made as man and wife, for I am king, and can remove all the laws against that sort of thing. Of course, you would have to be the wife, with that hair and all --"
With a great leap, Legolas bounded off the bed, passed Aragorn, and ran down the hall. He heard a long, unending scream, and realized that it was his own. So that was why his throat was hurting so bad. He wouldn't be able to sing for days.
He thought he heard Aragorn behind him, and darted into a room. There stood Elrond, regal and proud.
He fell at the Elf's feet. "Oh, Elrond," he sobbed. "You must help me! Aragorn is changed, I have changed, nothing is as it seems!"
The Elf lord gave no answer, and his face did not change from his stern expression. Hestitantly, Legolas moved to touch his feet. He realized that he touched nothing but cardboard!
The cardboard cutout of Elrond fell backwards, and Legolas could hear a recording start.
"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring," it said. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring." Over and over. "You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring."
Again, Legolas fell backwards, and all was dark.
* * *
It awoke him again. Click. Click. Click.
He sat straight up. A chill was upon his skin, and he was gasping for breath. He could feel it in the air. The wrongness of it all.
It wasn't over yet.
Gimli sat by the bed, running his thumb along the blade. "Oh. Up, are ye?" he said, his voice sounding very gruff, something like one would imagine a drunk Vikking would sound like. "Got a meeting to go to now, we do."
Legolas groaned. It had affected Gimli as well. It was almost more than he could stand.
"Catch me! Catch me if you can!" A small figure darted into Legolas' room. He caught a glint of gold. Three other child like figures bounded behind him.
"It's my turn with it, Frodo!" cried Merry.
"No! Mine!" That must have been Pippin.
Gimle chuckled. "Cute, aren't they?"
Legolas' jaw dropped. "No no no no no no," he whispered.
Sam then tackled Frodo to the ground, reaching for the chain around his neck. "Mine mine mine!" he cried on a high pitched voice.
Gimli chuckled again. "Oh, don't worry about them. They're just backround characters." And then he laughed. "Funny, isn't it? Before, they were the main characters and we were the backround characters. Tables turned now, aren't they?"
Legolas felt himself start to falter. "Yes," he said, distantly.
"To the meeting, friend Legolas!" cried Gimli, as he lept up.
"Yes," said Legolas, weaker than ever, and his resolve left him completely. He would be going to the meeting.
* * *
They went to the meeting room, and Legolas noticed that it was somewhat blurred around the edges, since no one had bothered to describe it. A bunch of nameless blonde elf dudes with no faces sat in a circle in the meeting room, along with all the important and semi-important characters.
Gandalf stood up. "Though I may be all powerful, I know next to nothing. Who is the main character of this particular story?"
The faceless elf-men all raised their arms and Legolas saw, to his horror, them all point to him.
"So, Legolas," said Gandalf. "What's our next move?"
"No," he said. "Not me, I, uh --"
"Don't worry, my boy," Gandalf said. "The right answer will come to you, just think about it."
Legolas found images floating in his mind. Oh yes, they were to go on a trip, an adventure, to seek the lost magical artifact of some important powerful guy, in the never before heard of land of ...
Legolas jumped up and screamed. "No no no no no!"
The Fellowship stared at him.
Click click click click. The sound was faster now, and Legolas had a feeling his story was near an end.
"Well, you're caught in it, all right," Gandalf said cheerilly. "Don't sweat it, just go with the flow, that's what I always say."
Legolas just stood there, frozen, immobile, etc., and then his eyes caught a glimpse of gold. There it was, the One Ring, sitting on a little silver chain on Frodo's neck.
Eyes flashing, Legolas lunged forward. The hobbits grabbed his arms, in a vain attempt to stop him, but he effortlessly shook them off. His hand closed on the ring, and he ripped it off Frodo's neck. Frodo dropped the the ground, sobbing hysterically.
Before anyone could stop him, not that anyone was trying, Legolas slipped the One Ring, on his finger, and disapeared.
There was a flash, and the ring fell out of the air, landing on the ground with a clink.
Legolas was gone.
* * *
"What is the matter, Legolas?"
Legolas was sitting straight up, breathing heavily. He was in a dry and desolate plain, for what he could not remember. It was nearly dawn, a few stars still shone in the sky. And there was no sound, merely silence. He listened again. Yes, silence.
Gimli and Aragorn were watching him, concern on their faces.
"Nothing is wrong, my friends," he said. He pressed a hand to his forehead. "A bad dream, I fear."
They continued to look at him, this time with looks of curiousity on their faces. Apparently, they had not known that Elves could suffer from nightmares. Niether had Legolas, for that matter.
"Well," said Aragorn. "We best hurry if we are to catch those Orcs." He nearly spat the name, and Legolas remembered where he was. They were chasing Orcs, hoping to save Merry and Pippin.
"Yes, we should," he said, standing up. The fog in his head had cleared, and he felt a sense of urgency. The Orcs were moving fast, probably faster than they were. They had to hurry if they had a chance of saving the Hobbits.
They set off immediatly, without further conversation. Aragorn ahead, bending over the ground and searching for tracks, Gimli at the rear.
Click.
Legolas stopped. He strained his ears, but heard nothing. He stood still for several seconds, more. There was nothing. Nothing, he told himself.
He shook his head and sped up his pace to catch up with his friends. Something told him he would have trouble sleeping tonight.
* * *