I do not own NCIS LA.
- Breathe -
The tears are burning her eyes and she isn't able to stop them. The ache in her chest is constricting and breathing is almost impossible. The cold is unbearable and she thinks her bones are slowly breaking. Her lips are so dry that she is almost thankful for the tears streaming down her face. Her thoughts are spinning her around and, in some moments, she is losing herself in dreams and nightmares.
He knows he needs to keep marching on. They let their trunk several miles away and they've been walking for more than six hours, never stopping. None of them is even considering that possibility. Sam is a strong capable agent, he's the most experienced in these situations and the one with the bigger capacity to focus and think straightforward, and so, Sam's leading the team. But he knows what Sam feels about Kensi, she's more than a teammate, she's their sister. He also knows that Sam will do anything to save her, not just because she's a sister, but also because he feels he owes it to the detective – he has to save the most important person on Deeks' life. And Callen knows that, so he knows he has a million reasons to keep marching on.
She feels angry and powerless – she needed to know, to seek for the truth, and she ended up with both hands empty. She needs someone, she knows she does. She should have listened to Hetty. "The thing about the past is just that. It's the past." But… oh! God!... the way her past had always interfered with her life… and this man… this young man who helped her getting out of the streets at sixteen, the young man who grew up with her, who made castles on the clouds with her, dreaming and planning the future, this man she had deeply loved and could never kill… could never hurt… He's the one she failed on, her biggest failure. And now he's someone else… good or bad, right or wrong, happier or lying… definitely someone else.
Donald Blye was more than a colleague; he was the man who saved his life countless times. Granger's a tough man, some would say arrogant and pretentious, but he was just carved this way by his long life's events. He's an honorable man, more than many would recognize, he respects his duty to the greater good and lives for the mantra that dictates the necessity of completing a mission, no matter what. But now the mission is to save Donald's daughter, no matter what, and he'll do it.
She needs to believe that there will be a time and a place for what she wants… one step at a time… and she'll have it… the thing she wants the most. And she knows what she wants and what she needs to do to get there, but that doesn't change the fact she was mindlessly reckless. She shouldn't have believed so strongly on the Wonder Woman's theory, she shouldn't have and maybe she didn't. Maybe she was just immeasurably naïve – and she thought she would walk in that hostile territory; she would talk Jack into surrendering or into telling her what the hell he was doing there, just to find out he was undercover; and then she would help him and complete the mission in the best way possible (the only way she could, because she couldn't kill him) and they would both walk out of that hostile territory; and she would get her answers and correct her failure and pay back her depth to him; and she would finally, finally move on, and then the past would be just that, the past.
The future he had been dreaming about for the past months… oh! Hell!... for the past years now seems so unreachable. He heard Granger's analysis of the situation as if he was underwater, some words he got, some he lost, but he knows this has something to do with Jack. He got that Sabatino was the only one who knew the ex-marine was there and who he was and he understood that Callen was pissed off with this never-ending-annoying-agent for not doing something to prevent this. He listened to Sabatino saying he was sorry and offering to help and to go with them. He was then informed she had left willingly and his heart broke. But the thing he is most aware of is that she isn't safe, her life is being threatened and she can already be… He heard everybody saying it was a suicidal mission, but he knows his only chance of surviving is to go and rescue her. He puts one foot in front of the other, stepping sand so different from the one he loves, and keeps marching on, breathing in and out and praying for her life. Desperation is consuming him and he's silently crying, there are no sobs, but his tears are burning his face like never before.
She doesn't know what happened to Jack and she desperately needs to know that, she can't bear the thought that he could have been killed because of her. She doesn't know how she'll get out of this mess; everything went in the opposite direction of what she had expected, but then, she really doesn't know what she was expecting. And suddenly, her world comes crushing down, she thinks that by this time Granger had already told Hetty what she had done, and by this time her family, her tribe is coming to rescue her… and they can get hurt, and they can die, and she will be the one to blame. And breathing becomes even more difficult, the moment she thinks she might lose Deeks… on a million different ways… is heartbreaking.
They feel they're in the middle of a fire. The ground is rough and the small rocks are cutting into their hands and elbows and knees, despite all the clothes they're wearing. The dust covers their noses and lips and makes breathing harder. They know they were successful in getting to the best spots they could, like they've planned. On the other hand, they also know that the number of insurgents is higher than they've predicted. At some point, Sam can read in Callen's eyes that he's expecting a miracle and Granger recognizes the fear on Sabatino's facial expression. But Deeks is stoic and focused and the team quickly figures he's doing the impossible, he hadn't failed one shot and they are slowly having a miracle.
The noises are scaring because guns and bullets speak no one's language and she doesn't know who is surviving and who is dying. The only thing she knows is that this is just because of her. The thing her heart and her body are asking her to do is to lay down and cry and wait. But what Kensi does is to keep forcing the lock next to her ankle. She also tries to free herself by pulling her foot through the tight chain, obtaining only new cuts and bruises on her skin.
And then the noises stop.
She can hear Sam's voice calling her, then she hears Callen, followed by Granger's voice. She also hears Sabatino calling her. But she never answers back. She doesn't answer back because if she can't hear Deeks's voice, she doesn't want to be found, if he didn't come, she doesn't want to leave that cave, if he didn't forgive her, she won't ever forgive herself, if he died, she doesn't want to live.
She hears their voices fading away and she wonders if she had just imagined everything or if they went in a different direction and won't really ever find her. And that's the moment she lays down, closes her eyes, let the tears run along the sides of her face, breaths slowly and waits.
She's so lost in her memories of him that she doesn't hear the sounds of his footsteps; she doesn't feel the heat of his presence by her side. He felt like falling from the sky and hitting the ground when he saw her laying there motionless and thought they'd came too late. But then he saw she was breathing, ge saw the rising and falling of her chest. He kneels near her and softly caresses her cheeks following the paths her tears draw on her skin. He asks her why she wasn't answering her friends and she opens her eyes and says she needs him, and only him.
She looks deep into his eyes and sees everything, because he's not even trying to hide any of his feelings – she sees the confusion, the doubt, the hurt, the deep hurt, the profound relief, and still, the hope. No anger. He looks deep into her eyes and sees everything, because she's so weak and lost, she can't disguise anything – he sees the pain, the regret, the fear, the pleading, but still, the hope. And love.
And he thinks he has the right to give up for a moment and let his desire win his inner battle. He thinks he wasn't praying for the entire flight and their insane walk through the desert, just to deny himself the miracle he so desperately asked for. He quickly seats on the floor, hugs her tight, breathes her scent, tries to hear her heartbeats, caresses her arms trying to keep her warm, puts his fingers through her hair, starts kissing her cheeks, her eyelids, the tip of her nose, her chin and then her lips. She loses herself in his embrace, because she needs him, she desperately needs him. And then, he hugs her tight again and they cry together. Happy tears for some time.
He was never so close to losing her, now it's time to thank the universe and not to blame.
Today is what's important.
;)