Disclaimers and Notes: Amelia, Zelgadis, and all other related terms are property of all the many owners of Slayers. I'm making no claim to them. The song 'Boston and St. Johns' is sung by Great Big Sea. I'm not making any claims to that either. But if you have the chance to hear the song, it's quite nice – if a little depressing I think it's the background music that does it. This fic was written in under two hours, 2am to 4am, over a year ago, and I hate editing, so beyond grammar this is more or less what it looked like when it was written. Oh, and I hate writing songfics, I don't understand why I'm so inclined to do so --- BlackLightning 42
Boston and St. Johns
~Please don't tell me that it's morning.
Can we keep the curtains drawn? ~
Zelgadis looked down at Amelia's form, sleeping peacefully in his arms. Dawn hadn't quite broken, and he saw only her shadow in the dark room, but he knew how she would shine in the sunlight.
He also knew that he wouldn't be there to see her in the sunlight. His time in Seryun was finished for the time.
As quietly as he could he slipped from Amelia's bed and located his clothes where he had left them on the back of a chair.
Just as he was fastening the last of his belts he heard a soft moan from Amelia and turned to face her, "It's almost dawn."
"Already?" Amelia crawled from her bed and walked to the doors of the balcony. She grasped the curtains and pulled them back to reveal a line of orange on the horizon where the sun would soon appear. Even that much of the sun bathed the room in a light glow, leaving most of its effect on Amelia's bared form.
Zelgadis bit back a gasp from his place in the shadows, but quickly recovered and joined Amelia in the ray of sun that found its way into the room.
~I haven't given you fair warning
But our ship, she sails on. ~
"I have to go today," he stated calmly, keeping his voice controlled. He knew that if he didn't harness his voice to sound like he was discussing the morning paper, he would start crying.
Amelia turned to him where he stood a few feet away, "I love you, Zelgadis."
The chimera smiled, "I'll be back," he answered automatically. He pretended not to notice the disappointed and hurt look on Amelia's face.
~And it's true I must be going,
But I swear I won't be long,
There isn't that much ocean between Boston and St. John~
"When will you be back?" Amelia also bit back tears, knowing that she would once again be alone until Zelgadis returned.
"As soon as my feet will bring me back," he replied sadly.
~I'm a rover and I'm bound to sail away –
I'm a rover, can you love me anyway? ~
"Then why do you have to leave?"
"I don't have a choice," Zelgadis knew that it was a lie, but he had spent too many years moving to stay in one place. Even if he didn't believe that he would ever find a cure to his status, it was in his blood to make him keep trying.
"Why do you keep leaving?" she asked again, this time in a voice that did betray her hurt.
Zelgadis looked down at her; she still hadn't dressed and stood vulnerable in front of him. Her eyes trusted him without waver, even if he had hurt her just like every other time that he left. Looking at her, he could no longer give evasive answers about his leaving.
"It's my cure," he answered honestly. He timidly moved a hand to brush a few strands of hair from her eyes. When he had done that much, he brought his hand back so that his palm cupped her jaw and evenly – if with shame – met her trusting gaze, "Even though I know I'll probably never find it, its impossible to resist."
Amelia nodded, even if she didn't understand what he felt, she would accept it. It was part of what Zelgadis loved her for – even if he had never been able to express such to her. He gently then pulled Amelia closer to him, hugging her tightly to his chest and burying his face in her hair, "I'll be back as soon as I can come, if you'll still accept me." It was what he always said on the mornings he left, and he always held his breath until Amelia gave him the same answer she always did.
"I love you, Zelgadis," she replied automatically, for the second time that morning. She had never answered anything different when he asked for approval.
"I'll come back soon," he promised as set as he always did to Amelia's answer. He wondered at her patience with him, just as he always did – as constant as their rehearsed answers on the mornings he left – he knew that he was hurting her, mentally and physically, both with his constant leaving and with his stone form, but she never so much as flinched against his rock touch.
~And if some suitor comes approaching
Will you let him through your door? ~
Feeling quite the idiot after his confession earlier that morning about his purpose of questing, Zelgadis had avoided conversation with Amelia as much as he had been able to in the time since the early morning. He didn't think that Amelia had noticed anyway, on the other hand, for they never spoke any amount on the mornings that he left.
Nonetheless, he feared that the revelation of his motivations for leaving would drive away his princess, and as he stood at the gates of the great kingdom that Amelia ruled, nothing material in his possession but his clothing and a small satchel containing a few magic items, he wondered if she would still be waiting for him when he returned.
"Amelia?" he questioned quietly and in the solemn of voices. As always, Amelia had been the only one to see him to the gates, and he preferred it that way anyway.
"Yes?" in an equally quiet voice Amelia answered, as if loud voices would shatter the early morning's existence.
"If you ever find someone else," he began, embarrassed to have brought up the subject but too afraid of the consequences of not doing so, "It wouldn't be hard to do, I know -"
"I love you, Zelgadis," Amelia interjected firmly.
"I know you do now," Zelgadis cursed himself for not being able to reciprocate verbally, "But if in my absence you decide that you don't – could you wait until I get back to tell me, first? I swear I'll be back soon."
Amelia snorted indignantly, "If someone can't wait until you're back to try to get my attention, then he'll obviously have no honor anyway." Amelia smiled then, "I'd then be forced to release the hounds on him."
Zelgadis returned the smile and hugged Amelia tightly, "I have to go now."
"I love you, Zelgadis," Amelia answered his statement on leaving for the third time that day.
"I'll come back soon," he answered just as steadily.
~And what if I return half broken?
Will you still want me anymore? ~
He then released her and took the first few steps of his journey into the morning mist that surrounded the walls of the kingdom. Without Amelia beside him the chill was already clinging to him.
The coldness penetrated well to his heart, too. He new that Amelia's promise to await his return was as true as his promise to return, but still his soul was plagued with doubt whenever in her absence. It not out of distrust to her but just for lack of her comforting presence.
He knew that his soul was battered every time Amelia wasn't there with him and he often fretted that the battering would change him into something that Amelia wouldn't care for.
~And it's true I must be going,
But I swear I won't be long, ~
His feet beat a steady rhythm on the gravel path he trod on, away from Amelia's kingdom. He cussed at himself for leaving, just as he always did, but didn't change his course. He continued to plod at a quick, steady pace through the fog that still hadn't disappeared from the lower lands.
It didn't take him long to emerge from the fog as his path took him on an uphill slope, but when he turned around, Amelia's form was still hidden by mist.
"I swear I'll be back soon," he promised the silent air around him.
~There isn't that much ocean between Boston and St. John.
I'm a rover and I'm bound to sail away –
I'm a rover, can you love me anyway? ~
As much as he was daunted by the size the trip in front of him seemed to be, he was less afraid of chasing dead leads than he was of staying in one place for the slim chance that his cure did exist. He was fortunate to have Amelia understand that, but still he hated himself for abandoning her again and again for his constant trying to find a cure.
He was reassured, at least, by the fact that he was going on a trip that could be done entirely on foot. He wouldn't have to wait for anyone during his questing – no coach drivers, no ship captains. And once he had discovered that his lead was dead, as he was certain he would, he could turn on his heels and walk right back to Amelia without stopping to wait at horse rentals of sea ports.
It was just a matter of dulling his urge to wander before he could be settled with Amelia for a few months more.
~Close your eyes and dream,
And tell me what you see, ~
The chimera turned one more time once he had reached the top of the hill he had been climbing. Once he had passed this point, he knew from former experience, Amelia would be cut out of his view.
Slowly he turned to look back the way he had come. The mist had cleared sufficiently for him to see Amelia standing by the gates of the city where she had seen him off.
He raised one arm in a wide wave, knowing that Amelia was watching every move he made even if they were too far apart to see each other properly.
Amelia waved back, it was their way of saying good-bye. Both found it too painful to actually speak the words, because they sounded so final. It had become almost a tradition that when Zelgadis left and was about to leave sight he would wave, and then he would continue his path and Amelia would go back to her daily duties.
Biting back an urge to start crying, Zelgadis concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and listening to the pattern made by his footsteps, and even though the fog had cleared from the morning, a mist descended on his mind, reminding him of the night prior. Amelia had spoken in her sleep the night before.
~Tell me what you want –
Just tell me that you'll wait for me. ~
Zelgadis sighed. Remembering the events of the evening previous did little to improve his mood.
He had managed to stay awake somewhat longer than Amelia during the night, and had been watching her sleep when she had begun to dream. In her dream, she had apparently seen the morning that was to come – or perhaps of one that had already passed.
In her dream, she had asked him to stay with her – she had almost begged him not to go. All the more guilt Zelgadis felt for his immutable departure. He learned much from that dream, and it was information he greatly valued. Even if he did acquire it unfairly by listening to her sleep-speech.
~But oh, don't tell me that it's morning.
Can we keep the curtains drawn? ~
Zelgadis pulled himself from his reprieve before the thoughts that followed him could depress him any more than he already was depressed. He always felt the same way when he left his home to stait some wanderlust. He would feel better when he had traveled for the day, as he always did. When he was away from Amelia he always had a dull ache in his chest telling him to go back to her, but the first leaving always ripped at him the most violently.
Even when his urge to travel became unbearable, he always fought away the dawn of his leaving.
~I haven't given you fair warning,
But the ship, she sails on. ~
He concentrated his vision on the bleak gray gravel he walked on, not having the desire to look up at the trees around him unless Amelia was there to enjoy the sight of the nature with him.
Just minutes away from his home and his heart told him to return, knowing that he would be away far too long.
He would go back to Amelia as soon as he could, but 'as soon as he could' could be a very long time.
~And it's true I must be going,
But I swear I won't be long, ~
*
~There isn't that much ocean between Boston and St. John~
Three months of agonizing loneliness weighed heavy on Zelgadis, but his heart was soaring anyway. He was within a day of seeing Amelia again – after all, what good is a victory if the one you love isn't there to share it with you?
A grin spread on his face, and he began to chant the incantation for a Ray Wing spell – it was faster than being on foot.
Besides, his demon speed was on vacation. Permanently. He could finally stay with Amelia forever. There would be no more possible cures to draw him away.
I'm a rover and I'm bound to sail away,
The spell he had conjured let him down gently on Amelia's balcony, where he crept silently forward to the door and produced the key from his pocket. He hoped that his return would surprise his love – the first of many surprises he had for her.
Easing the door open he slipped inside – he suspected that it was late enough at night for her to be in her room – and settled into the curtains where he could easily hide a few moments at very least.
As quietly as he could, he poked his head out from behind the heavy piece of material to look around the room. As he had suspected, Amelia had retired for the night and lay on her bed in a light nightshirt that suited the warm summer evening.
"Is the lovely young lady seeking a companion tonight?" he put on a wide grin and emerged from the drapery.
Amelia turned sharply to face him, pulling a blanket from her bed at the same time to wrap around herself. First shock, then anger flashed in her eyes, "Who the Hell are you and how did you get in here?"
Zelgadis jumped back and raised his hands submissively; "I thought you'd be a bit happier to see me than this!"
~I'm a rover, ~
"Zelgadis?" the princess' eyes widened in surprise, and she took a few steps back.
"It's me," he smiled, indicating once again human form. He didn't have a chance to say anything else after that because Amelia had run to him and begun to explore his now flesh face with her fingers.
"It's you," she repeated, running her fingers through his soft blue-purple hair. "Does this mean?-" she didn't finish the question, but Zelgadis knew what she was asking.
"Yes," he answered, pulling Amelia into a tight embrace as he had longed to for all the months he had been away, "I'm never leaving again."
"Zelgadis," the name didn't ask anything of him, was completely undemanding.
He drew in a sharp breath then, he knew what he wanted to say – had been planning it since regaining his human form, "Amelia… I love you too."
~Can you love me anyway? ~
End