[Sorry, I forgot to add disclaimers and stuff. Characters, etc. are all
properties of Gainax or whoever they are the rightful property of. Yadda,
yadda, yadda.]
Take care: failure of instrumentality / waking up from enlightenment
I….
Who am I?
I am the pilot of Eva.
Who am I?
I am the pilot of this Body that pilots the Eva.
Who am I?
I am the Will that pilots this Body that pilots the Eva.
Silence.
Answer.
No.
***
Nothing had changed.
The same old bed. The same old belongings. The same blank ceiling.
Shinji laid curled in bed facing the wall but without the headphones on.
He wanted to listen to nothing.
The sound of nothing.
.
Even after Instrumentality, the world remade was just the bony remains of the old.
But that was okay.
The whole experience was real, but not real – the minds of the entire world fused into a great, collective unconscious. The ego-boundaries of self and other dissolved temporarily until nothing remained but a sea of shared thoughts and existence.
But it was fleeting. And already fading like a dream. It slowly took on the feeling of non-reality.
He wanted to hold on it. Cling on to it desperately. But knew that he should let it go. Must let it go. Again he could feel the resistances and fears building up inside of him. Erecting their walls and barriers. Thoughts and feelings creating confusion and turmoil.
Self-doubt rose within him again.
Why did I choose this? Why didn't I choose the other?
***
The Great Tree of Life hovered ominously above him. Carvings and etchings. Circles within circles. Wheels within wheels. The Watchmaker's Clockwork. The Mechanism of Existence. The Chain of Being.
Meaningless and Void.
Gendo Ikari's great plan had failed. Heaven was denied to him. Yui was gone. All of the angels had returned to Heaven. The Evas were now just lifeless shells devoid of spirit. Their mechanical parts still functioned, but their organic parts were dead. There would be no more angels. No more Adams or Liliths. No salvation.
It was eerily quiet. Nerv had been dismantled completely, as had been Seele. Dr. Fuyutsuki had resigned the day before along with many others. But most simply abandoned him.
He had expected it. They only were near him because he had power. Because he was useful. But now, bereft of power, he had no relationship to them anymore. He had been dismantled and made useless. Less than useless. He was a liability.
What purpose was left of him now?
All organizations have an existence apart from the individuals that make it up. A nervous system that gives it a purpose, an intellect, and a reason to exist. A social hierarchy of cells made up of individuals that give it life and energy.
But Nerv no longer was alive. It no longer had any purpose. Like the Evas, it too was nothing more than empty buildings without a soul. Its flesh had been picked clean by the carrion crows and politicians. Nothing but bones. Dry bones.
Hear the Word of the Lord.
…
But there was still one other.
One that stayed behind.
***
There was a knock at the door.
"Can I come in, Shinji?"
It was Misato.
Shinji didn't answer, and she opened the door slowly, unsure of herself.
She looked at him. His back still turned to the world. She could see his face without seeing it. She could see what he was thinking without him saying it.
This feeling. Was this the remnant of Instrumentality? Or was it something else?
Shinji could sense her entering his room. There was a warmth on his back, he wondered if it was imagined or real. The smell of her perfume in the air. Every person has a different scent. A different feeling. A different knowing. A different being.
The smell becomes stronger as it comes closer. Soaking into your clothes, into your skin, filling up your brain and your thoughts.
He could feel her creeping into his mind. Fears, confusion, love, lust, guilt, sorrow, compassion, anger, hate, joy, despair. All of these things that were Misato. He wanted to turn around. But he didn't want to turn around.
There was too much. It was too much.
Why didn't he choose the other?
Paralysis.
The bed creaked and sunk as he could feel Misato sit on the bed beside him. He could see her without seeing her. He could tell that she was looking away from him at the door. Half wanting to walk back out. Her hands folded together over her lap. Over her thighs. Collected. Protective. Sheltered. Sexual. Ashamed. Her thoughts. Confusion. Her feelings. Anxiety.
A kiss. He remembered the kiss.
He didn't know what to do.
She said quietly, "Shinji…" but her voice trailed off not knowing what to say afterwards. She hoped that he would say something. Anything. But he was also mute. She wondered if she should get back up and leave the room. But she was afraid of leaving. The pain of loneliness and rejection. She needed to be near him. She needed human contact. Despite the pain.
And sadness.
The sadness of letting someone go.
***
Mama.
She had been with her for only a moment. Just the briefest moment. But a moment still. At the instant of Instrumentality. Curled up fetally next to her beside her mother's belly. As close to the womb as she could possibly be.
Her dear, sweet mother.
Asuka held back her tears. She sobbed to herself, "I'm not crying," as they fell. "I promised that I'd never cry again."
Why was she still alive? She wanted to be dead. To be reunited.
Why did they get separated?
Because of Him!
It was His fault!
Idiot!
Baka!
Shinji!
What was that idiot Shinji thinking?
Didn't he understand? That stupid, stupid moron. He could never understand what she felt. Never know what she really wanted.
(Death).
No one would understand. No one except Kaji. Kaji would understand her. Only he knew. But he was gone.
(Dead).
She knew that she had reached a new low when she would have to resort to leaning upon that baka Shinji for support. Never. She would never stoop so low. Not with him. Never with him. She would never do it with him. Even if he was the last person remaining on Earth. Never. Never. Never!
She would rather die first.
(Die).
Mama.
***
The two were still separated.
But that's what he had chosen. To be two.
Two. Not one.
One. Not zero.
Zero. No.
Shinji sat up and stared at Misato's back.
The doubts and fears were still there. They would always be. They should always be.
But that was okay.
He reached out.
"It's alright Misato. I understand."
Misato sighed. Her shoulders sagged as if a cross had been lifted from them.
"Misato?"
She shook her head, "Don't worry Shinji, I'll be fine."
"Kaji."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
There was silence as the two both sat next to each other on the bed. Then Shinji stood up and walked towards the door. He looked back at her for the last time and smiled gently, "Thank you. Don't worry. I'll be okay."
"I know you will."
"Goodbye, Misato."
"I love you too," she said as she watched Shinji cross the threshold out of his room. Out of her womb.
"Shinji … take care of yourself."
***
Only one.
Only one stayed.
Rei.
The first child stood before Gendo in her schoolgirl's uniform. He wasn't sure if she would have remained. But she did. She chose to remain even after Instrumentality. It made him feel less alone. But it also made him wonder. And doubt. And question.
She had the answers. She was the last remaining key.
"How, Rei? How could it have ended this way?"
She answered in her strange voice, a voice that was both soft and hard, hollow and full, "How could there have been any other?"
"But Instrumentality?"
"Nothing but a dream."
"The Evas? The angels."
"Watching us from Heaven."
"What should I do?"
"Be a Father."
"I'm afraid."
"Then run away."
"I musn't run away."
"Then don't."
Gendo fell to his knees and clutched her around the waist, burying his head into her belly.
"Please. Help me, Rei."
"I cannot."
"Save me."
"I cannot."
"Forgive me."
Rei looked down at him and carefully pulled his arms off of her.
Gendo stared at her pitifully, his glasses stained and fogged with tears.
She slowly took off his glasses, wiped the lenses clean with the fabric of her shirt, and gently placed them back upon his face. Gendo smiled the same smile that she remembered when he forced open the entry plug with his bare hands.
"I cannot."
Rei left him alone without looking back, and locked the door behind her.
***
Zero.
Ground zero.
The devastation of Tokyo-3. A fitting metaphor for the death and birth of the human soul. Destroyed, then rebuilt several times. That was human nature. To persist. To exist. To be.
But why?
There is no why.
Because that is just what people do. Move on with their lives.
Thinking. Unthinking.
Feeling. Unfeeling.
Caring. Uncaring.
Dualities intertwined into a spiraling helix, but always moving, thought Pen-pen to itself. Pen-pen shook the tail feathers on its round behind. Humans are such strange creatures. Such feverish, useless thoughts flitting about in those crazed monkey-brains of theirs. Make what you will of it. But life is a good bath and some tasty fish. More true and real than the imagined fears and fantasies of mortal men.
If you are unsatisfied with that, then so be it. But be prepared for the consequences, for you shall reap what you choose to plant within your soul. And you will have no one to blame or praise but yourself.
Thus sayeth the penguin.
Take care.
Take care: failure of instrumentality / waking up from enlightenment
I….
Who am I?
I am the pilot of Eva.
Who am I?
I am the pilot of this Body that pilots the Eva.
Who am I?
I am the Will that pilots this Body that pilots the Eva.
Silence.
Answer.
No.
***
Nothing had changed.
The same old bed. The same old belongings. The same blank ceiling.
Shinji laid curled in bed facing the wall but without the headphones on.
He wanted to listen to nothing.
The sound of nothing.
.
Even after Instrumentality, the world remade was just the bony remains of the old.
But that was okay.
The whole experience was real, but not real – the minds of the entire world fused into a great, collective unconscious. The ego-boundaries of self and other dissolved temporarily until nothing remained but a sea of shared thoughts and existence.
But it was fleeting. And already fading like a dream. It slowly took on the feeling of non-reality.
He wanted to hold on it. Cling on to it desperately. But knew that he should let it go. Must let it go. Again he could feel the resistances and fears building up inside of him. Erecting their walls and barriers. Thoughts and feelings creating confusion and turmoil.
Self-doubt rose within him again.
Why did I choose this? Why didn't I choose the other?
***
The Great Tree of Life hovered ominously above him. Carvings and etchings. Circles within circles. Wheels within wheels. The Watchmaker's Clockwork. The Mechanism of Existence. The Chain of Being.
Meaningless and Void.
Gendo Ikari's great plan had failed. Heaven was denied to him. Yui was gone. All of the angels had returned to Heaven. The Evas were now just lifeless shells devoid of spirit. Their mechanical parts still functioned, but their organic parts were dead. There would be no more angels. No more Adams or Liliths. No salvation.
It was eerily quiet. Nerv had been dismantled completely, as had been Seele. Dr. Fuyutsuki had resigned the day before along with many others. But most simply abandoned him.
He had expected it. They only were near him because he had power. Because he was useful. But now, bereft of power, he had no relationship to them anymore. He had been dismantled and made useless. Less than useless. He was a liability.
What purpose was left of him now?
All organizations have an existence apart from the individuals that make it up. A nervous system that gives it a purpose, an intellect, and a reason to exist. A social hierarchy of cells made up of individuals that give it life and energy.
But Nerv no longer was alive. It no longer had any purpose. Like the Evas, it too was nothing more than empty buildings without a soul. Its flesh had been picked clean by the carrion crows and politicians. Nothing but bones. Dry bones.
Hear the Word of the Lord.
…
But there was still one other.
One that stayed behind.
***
There was a knock at the door.
"Can I come in, Shinji?"
It was Misato.
Shinji didn't answer, and she opened the door slowly, unsure of herself.
She looked at him. His back still turned to the world. She could see his face without seeing it. She could see what he was thinking without him saying it.
This feeling. Was this the remnant of Instrumentality? Or was it something else?
Shinji could sense her entering his room. There was a warmth on his back, he wondered if it was imagined or real. The smell of her perfume in the air. Every person has a different scent. A different feeling. A different knowing. A different being.
The smell becomes stronger as it comes closer. Soaking into your clothes, into your skin, filling up your brain and your thoughts.
He could feel her creeping into his mind. Fears, confusion, love, lust, guilt, sorrow, compassion, anger, hate, joy, despair. All of these things that were Misato. He wanted to turn around. But he didn't want to turn around.
There was too much. It was too much.
Why didn't he choose the other?
Paralysis.
The bed creaked and sunk as he could feel Misato sit on the bed beside him. He could see her without seeing her. He could tell that she was looking away from him at the door. Half wanting to walk back out. Her hands folded together over her lap. Over her thighs. Collected. Protective. Sheltered. Sexual. Ashamed. Her thoughts. Confusion. Her feelings. Anxiety.
A kiss. He remembered the kiss.
He didn't know what to do.
She said quietly, "Shinji…" but her voice trailed off not knowing what to say afterwards. She hoped that he would say something. Anything. But he was also mute. She wondered if she should get back up and leave the room. But she was afraid of leaving. The pain of loneliness and rejection. She needed to be near him. She needed human contact. Despite the pain.
And sadness.
The sadness of letting someone go.
***
Mama.
She had been with her for only a moment. Just the briefest moment. But a moment still. At the instant of Instrumentality. Curled up fetally next to her beside her mother's belly. As close to the womb as she could possibly be.
Her dear, sweet mother.
Asuka held back her tears. She sobbed to herself, "I'm not crying," as they fell. "I promised that I'd never cry again."
Why was she still alive? She wanted to be dead. To be reunited.
Why did they get separated?
Because of Him!
It was His fault!
Idiot!
Baka!
Shinji!
What was that idiot Shinji thinking?
Didn't he understand? That stupid, stupid moron. He could never understand what she felt. Never know what she really wanted.
(Death).
No one would understand. No one except Kaji. Kaji would understand her. Only he knew. But he was gone.
(Dead).
She knew that she had reached a new low when she would have to resort to leaning upon that baka Shinji for support. Never. She would never stoop so low. Not with him. Never with him. She would never do it with him. Even if he was the last person remaining on Earth. Never. Never. Never!
She would rather die first.
(Die).
Mama.
***
The two were still separated.
But that's what he had chosen. To be two.
Two. Not one.
One. Not zero.
Zero. No.
Shinji sat up and stared at Misato's back.
The doubts and fears were still there. They would always be. They should always be.
But that was okay.
He reached out.
"It's alright Misato. I understand."
Misato sighed. Her shoulders sagged as if a cross had been lifted from them.
"Misato?"
She shook her head, "Don't worry Shinji, I'll be fine."
"Kaji."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
There was silence as the two both sat next to each other on the bed. Then Shinji stood up and walked towards the door. He looked back at her for the last time and smiled gently, "Thank you. Don't worry. I'll be okay."
"I know you will."
"Goodbye, Misato."
"I love you too," she said as she watched Shinji cross the threshold out of his room. Out of her womb.
"Shinji … take care of yourself."
***
Only one.
Only one stayed.
Rei.
The first child stood before Gendo in her schoolgirl's uniform. He wasn't sure if she would have remained. But she did. She chose to remain even after Instrumentality. It made him feel less alone. But it also made him wonder. And doubt. And question.
She had the answers. She was the last remaining key.
"How, Rei? How could it have ended this way?"
She answered in her strange voice, a voice that was both soft and hard, hollow and full, "How could there have been any other?"
"But Instrumentality?"
"Nothing but a dream."
"The Evas? The angels."
"Watching us from Heaven."
"What should I do?"
"Be a Father."
"I'm afraid."
"Then run away."
"I musn't run away."
"Then don't."
Gendo fell to his knees and clutched her around the waist, burying his head into her belly.
"Please. Help me, Rei."
"I cannot."
"Save me."
"I cannot."
"Forgive me."
Rei looked down at him and carefully pulled his arms off of her.
Gendo stared at her pitifully, his glasses stained and fogged with tears.
She slowly took off his glasses, wiped the lenses clean with the fabric of her shirt, and gently placed them back upon his face. Gendo smiled the same smile that she remembered when he forced open the entry plug with his bare hands.
"I cannot."
Rei left him alone without looking back, and locked the door behind her.
***
Zero.
Ground zero.
The devastation of Tokyo-3. A fitting metaphor for the death and birth of the human soul. Destroyed, then rebuilt several times. That was human nature. To persist. To exist. To be.
But why?
There is no why.
Because that is just what people do. Move on with their lives.
Thinking. Unthinking.
Feeling. Unfeeling.
Caring. Uncaring.
Dualities intertwined into a spiraling helix, but always moving, thought Pen-pen to itself. Pen-pen shook the tail feathers on its round behind. Humans are such strange creatures. Such feverish, useless thoughts flitting about in those crazed monkey-brains of theirs. Make what you will of it. But life is a good bath and some tasty fish. More true and real than the imagined fears and fantasies of mortal men.
If you are unsatisfied with that, then so be it. But be prepared for the consequences, for you shall reap what you choose to plant within your soul. And you will have no one to blame or praise but yourself.
Thus sayeth the penguin.
Take care.