A/N: I wrote this and I'm literally not even a little sorry about it. Set a little before "Angels and Daemons." RIP Old Tac Vests.
"Morning!" Sam said brightly as he and Callen stepped into the bullpen.
"What's got you so chipper today?" Deeks asked, taking a sip of his coffee.
Sam grinned and sat down in his chair. "It's Wednesday."
"Ah the new tac vests come in today," Kensi said from her position at her desk.
"That's right," Callen confirmed. "And we all know how Sam loves new gear."
"That time we got new go-bags…" Kensi teased.
"He rode the high for days," Deeks recalled.
"Yeah yeah, you can make fun all you want, but nothing is going to destroy my happiness today," Sam told them. "It's just like Christmas. Got that new gear smell, nobody's bled on it yet, no sweat stains."
Nell entered the bullpen, tablet firmly in hand. "Sounds lovely. I guess you guys are ready to go try the new vests on then?"
"Well we are. Not sure about Sam-dawg here," Deeks told her as they rose, shooting a cheeky grin in Sam's direction.
"Just for that, you can get your vest last," Sam replied with a glare.
"I don't know," Callen said as they entered the armory. "I'm kind of going to miss the old vests. They had a lot of memories."
"You want to remember all the times you were shot at?" Kensi asked.
"Hey we caught a lot of bad guys in those vests," Callen replied. "They're sentimental."
"Ookay," Nell's face said she clearly thought they were all crazy as she dumped the plastic wrapped vests onto the table. "There's a label on the outside with your name on it."
Sam picked his up. "Beautiful!" he pronounced.
"Does Michelle know she has competition?" Callen asked as his partner tore the plastic away from the Kevlar and began strapping it on.
"Ha!" Kensi snorted. "I think Michelle comes somewhere after sniper rifles and scopes."
"Where do earwigs go on that list?" Deeks asked with a grin.
"What the-?" Sam had finally gotten the vest on fully and he turned, trying to look over his shoulder and see the back.
"Holy…okay Nell I think you gave me Hetty's," Deeks said as he glanced down at his own vest which sat snugly about eight inches above his hips, leaving half his abdomen exposed.
"Mine fits," Kensi told them, the vest covering all the appropriate areas of her narrow frame.
"Are we missing something?" Deeks asked, shuffling through the pile of plastic on the table.
Nell shook her head. "No, I checked them myself. This is what Hetty ordered."
"Oh hell no!" Sam cried, throwing his arms out to the side, causing the vest to ride even higher on his torso. "Look at me! I'm like a king size candy bar in a fun size wrapper!"
"They do look a little…small," Nell conceded.
"A little?" Callen asked, squeezing on his own. "Since when do tac vests resemble crop tops?"
"I am not wearing this," Sam huffed angrily as he stripped it off. "It's like being in a straight jacket! Where are the old ones?"
"I'm afraid the old vests have already been taken away to be destroyed," Hetty informed them as she entered the armory.
Sam looked like he was going to explode. "Hetty there is something wrong with these vests!"
"I assure you Mr. Hanna, that these vests were made in accordance with NCIS regulations. In fact they are top of the line technology," Hetty replied.
"What about a different model?" Callen suggested. "We'll send these back."
"I'm afraid there are no returns Mr. Callen. These vests were made according to your specific measurements," Hetty told them.
"Hetty come on," Deeks said. "There's clearly been a mistake. The measurements were wrong or they sent us somebody else's vests."
"I'm sure that you all will adjust to this new equipment given time," Hetty assured them.
"Hetty," Sam was seething, "This is not going to work. There has to be something we can do."
"If you feel so strongly that these new vests won't be effective then of course there is Mr. Hanna." Hetty smiled at him. "Don't get shot."
A/N: The line about Sam being a king size candy bar in a fun size wrapper makes me laugh every time I think about! Hope you enjoyed!