DNA Don't Lie
Humor, my attempt at – Came from a stray thought I had about fifteen seconds after I woke up in the morning . . . not very AU actually. After the third season for obvious reasons . . . with previous spoilers.
None, PG-13
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A.N. Written because I kept reading about trials where someone would claim that DNA evidence wasn't conclusive. Sorry, but I think it is very conclusive . . . first time posted on this site.
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When the request from the Kathusian home world was received by Starfleet Legal via the Echo system, and that august body contacted Starfleet Medical, which in turn sent a message back to the Enterprise – to be delivered to Captain Jonathan Archer – well, Lieutenant Malcolm Reed had no reason to be involved in the 'loop' and yet, here he was summoned to the Sickbay. For whatever reason the captain was not happy . . .
He mentally reviewed any possible reason that the Captain might be angry with him, and nothing obvious came to mind. So it was with a clear conscience, curious mind, and suspicion that the universe was again 'out to get him', the armory chief walked into the medical unit to be met by two senior officers – three, if you counted Phlox . . . all looked at him as he entered the Sickbay, but he kept his professional demeanor and only said, "Captain, how may I help you?"
"We received a message from the Kathusian home world regarding a male officer from the Enterprise," Archer icily began to speak. "Can you tell me, Lieutenant – and I use the title conditionally – how your DNA ended up in an embryo carried by a female Kathusian?" He looked thoroughly irritated, "Haven't you been using 'protection'?" And to add to his discomfort, both T'Pol and Phlox were staring at him, albeit with different expressions . . .
The question flummoxed Reed and he first paled, then flushed . . . "Sir," he swallowed the fluid that seemed to cascade in his throat, "I have not had sexual relations with anyone since before our mission started! There must be a mistake . . ." This was just too unreasonable to be considered except as a bad joke. He pulled himself together and stated, "On my honor – as a Starfleet officer, and as a British citizen, I have not had any relations with a Kathusian – of any sex! Besides," and he did break his voice a bit at this admission, "this sort of problem is just the kind of 'thing', that I have been warned against from childhood . . . Royal Navy and all." Reed looked at the accusatory group, and relieved to see that even T'Pol had shifted their body postures enough to indicate doubt from their previously solid conviction. One did have to understand a little bit about psychology in his field; but then Malcolm allowed that only one of the group was human . . . and his confidence faded.
But then salvation in the form of a Denobulan smile came to the fore. "You know Captain – Mr. Reed may just be correct – let me check something." And he turned to his left and looked at a screen with some consternation. "Well, well!" As neither Archer nor T'Pol made any comment in reaction to Phlox's comment, Reed felt compelled to say something – and he said, "Well?!" also . . .
"Do you remember the incident with the Romulan mine on the hull, and Mr. Reed's 'injury' as a result of that encounter?" "Of course," replied the captain, who then said, "What does that have to do with – ?" "I used some of my creatures to assist in the treatment of the lieutenant . . . unfortunately one of them 'stayed around' longer than anticipated, didn't it Malcolm?" Phlox made light of the incident, but Reed's stomach still clenched at the memory. It had finally 'exited' via a circuitous route involving his urinary tract . . . and an organ with multiple functions.
Phlox continued his tale – "And after it exited it was a bit 'worse for the wear' and I fed it to my Siphsian bloodworms . . ." The doctor began to describe the ravenous nature of these creatures and that they were a particularly good food source for all sorts of creatures, and that humans could do worse than to avail themselves of their protein. Archer looked at Reed who was squirming listening to the Denobulan, and said, "Doctor, please cut to the chase!" At Phlox's obvious blank stare in response to his statement, the captain amended his demand, "Finish the story! Please!"
"It would have been a communal meal, and all the bloodworms in that generation would have eaten – ", at this point, Reed showed fine form as he bolted for the lavatory in the medical unit, and even T'Pol seemed to understand his distress – Phlox continued to explain . . . "Captain you do remember the 'Sim' being that I used to help Commander Tucker recover from his injuries? Well, those bloodworms provided a major food source for the pre-clonal state of the being." At this point Jonathan Archer wished that he had an 'excuse' to join Malcolm in the bathroom, but being the commanding officer that he hoped he was, the captain 'stuck it out', and listened to the rest of the story . . . which ended as most of these 'things' seemed to in the person of Commander Trip Tucker.
At this point Commander T'Pol asked a reasonable question, at least to the minds of both Archer, and Reed, who had managed to disengage from the lavatory, and was looking marginally better. "Doctor," she began, "I was under the impression that the clone was that of Commander Tucker?" "Well, I had thought so," replied the good doctor, "but apparently it had retained some of the DNA from the sample provided from Mr. Reed via the bloodworms. When the commander's brain tissue had been repaired with the simulation tissue, it must have transported Mr. Reed's DNA into Mr. Tucker's body . . ."
At this point, the part of Malcolm Reed that was 'Head of Security' asserted itself, and he started to say, "Doctor Phlox! That is a load of . . .", and was interrupted by Captain Archer, who said "Enough lieutenant!" Undeterred, Reed said, "Besides I can prove that I never went down on the planet!" and he gave all three of the other officers present a look that would brook no dispute. And as this was quite 'provable', and Starfleet was notified – it was now their problem . . .
(Commander Tucker was never 'quite' pinned down on the matter, and only said 'DNA don't lie!'.)
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Is this a 'shaggy dog' story? I don't know – But the 'idea' presented itself! 'Ta da!'