CAN I SNOG YOU, EVANS?

GENRE: Romance/Humor, Lily/James

SUMMARY: "James, we say this because we care: your techniques suck."

DISCLAIMER: If I owned Harry Potter, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Fred and Hedwig would all be alive, but they're not, so, no, sadly, I don't own Harry Potter. Excuse me while I weep in a miserable corner.

I. Sore Backs, Corn, Plans

"No way!"

"Hey James – can I touch it?"

"Look at the way it shines –"

"What are you doing? You're going to light my broom up!"

"No I won't!"

"Yes you did – see this speck here?"

"Fire doesn't make specks, genius –"

On the other side of the common room, Lily groaned into the book she was reading. Only three days into the start of their new school year and here he was, surrounded by what looked like everyone from his 'We-Love-James-Potter' fan club, feeding his already inflated ego.

She snuggled deeper into the cushions and turned a page, trying to ignore all the gasps of wonder and delighted exclamations. And the chit-chat. She could do less with the chit-chat.

"EVANS!"

Lily didn't even budge. She'd know that voice anywhere: it was the same voice that bugged her since her first train ride to Hogwarts, it was the same voice that started each 'conversation' with the same words –

"HEY EVANS!"

– built up their 'conversations' with the same question –

"Will you go out with me?"

– but only shut up when the 'conversation' was ended with the same reply:

"No."

"Evaaaans," the voice nagged her.

Right, so I was wrong about the 'shutting up' part.

"Come on! Say yes, you won't regret it."

Lily raised her eyes without moving her head to look into the grinning, goofy face of James Potter. Well, she tried to, anyway – she was sitting on the floor, while her suitor was standing and towering over her at six feet tall. Her eyes started to water as she tried to force her eye level to move up. Unfortunately, her eyeballs refused to move, something which Sirius Black was happy to point out.

"Evans, why are you staring at Jamesie's crotch?"

Blinking rapidly, Lily finally jerked her head up to glare at the two people in front of her – right in front of her.

"You're blocking my way," she blurted out stupidly.

"Your way?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Are you training yourself to walk on your butt cheeks?"

Lily flushed, but refused to back down. "You're blocking my view of … of the fire."

"Didn't know you considered Prongs here your fire," Sirius grinned, but stepped back, "but here you go! All yours."

Lily and James decided to ignore him (though the latter did grin stupidly) and returned to their bickering. Or as James would put it, their flirting.

"Can you please move?" Lily repeated. "I'm almost suffocating here with your abnormally large ego pushing up against me. And the rest of the people in this room. See Nina Whealdon's face over there?"

James turned to see who she was pointing at, and frowned. "Isn't that how she always looked like?"

"Don't make fun of other people's features," Lily snapped, closing her book and getting up. "You aren't all that good-looking yourself."

"You're right, good-looking is an understatement. I'm gorgeous," James grinned cheekily at her as she stood up. He grabbed her by the elbow as she wobbled and nearly stumbled back again, "You should sit down again, your butt cheeks must be sore."

"Excuse me?" Lily snorted as she pushed his grip away. "Can you keep your childish comments to yourself please?"

"I simply made a concerning remark, and this is what I get?"

Lily grabbed her book before shooting the boy a glare, tilting her head slightly as she did so – which infuriated even more. Stupid, stupid boy, she thought angrily to herself. Merlin, what did I do to deserve this constant nagging?

"Prongs, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Shocked to hear such words come from Sirius's mouth, Lily couldn't suppress a smile and thank him, "Exactly. Potter, you should learn more from Black here."

Sirius didn't seem to hear her. "The lady is in pain, you should give her a massage!" he barked at his best friend. "Instead you give her a so-called 'concerned remark'?"

"A massage," Lily and James repeated together in disbelief. "A massage where?" Lily asked, somewhat hesitantly, like she already knew the answer.

Sirius plopped himself down onto Lily's vacated spot, grabbed a box of Chocolate Frogs from under the sofa and began shoving the sweets into his mouth.

Ewwww.

"Where did you think I meant?" Sirius chuckled, open-mouthed. A rather disgusting sight, Lily cringed, looking at his chocolate covered teeth and … other unidentifiable objects in his mouth. It was enough to make her forget what they were talking about.

"You mean," James said carefully, as if Sirius's eating habits did not bother him (he had probably witnessed the same scene countless times), "I should give Lily …"

"A butt massage!" Sirius said with a wide grin, which quickly turned into a frown when Lily smacked him on the head with her book, causing him to choke on his chocolate goo and spit.

"Black!"

"White!"

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Lily cried, frustrated.

"Hey, we rhymed!" James grinned as Sirius laughed, both of whom were clearly very pleased with themselves. They high-fived each other before turning to the red-head, their right hands in the air, evidently wanting to share a high-five with her too.

Which, I would think is quite obvious, she didn't do.

Instead, Lily merely scowled at both of them. All she wanted was some reading time – preferably without everyone swooning and having orgasms over James Potter's new broomstick while she did so – and maybe pig out on the Chocolate Frogs that Sirius literally swallowed without a bite, or maybe fall asleep snuggled in all the pillows in front of the fire.

But noooooo.

"So Evans, whatcha say?" James flashed her what he thought was a charming grin. Instead, Lily winced at the sight of his pearly-whites.

"Potter, you have what looks like the every single dish of Hogwart's end of the year feast stuck between your teeth," she answered instead, ignoring his question on purpose.

"No I don't," he snorted stubbornly.

"Yes you do."

"Nuh-uh."

"Actually, you do," Sirius cut in, leaning forward and peering closely at his best friend's mouth. "I think it's a tiny piece of corn. Or a yellow pea."

"Last time I checked, Hogwarts was well stocked with food," James snorted, getting a mirror out. "I doubt its end of the year feast consisted of just one tiny piece of vegetable." With that said, he began to pick at his teeth with the mirror in front of him – much to Lily's disgust.

"If you're going to do that, can you do it in the bathroom, please?"

James looked up at her, teeth bared, nostrils flared, but still – somehow – managed to raise his eyebrows questioningly. "Do what?"

"You still haven't got it?" Sirius said impatiently, cutting off Lily's answer, making her fume. "How hard can it be? Here, use your finger –" He grasped James's pinky and – forcefully – grabbed his chin, turning his face around. As he examined his friend's mouth, they heard a click and both of them turned their heads to see the red-headed girl grinning from ear to ear, patting her camera fondly.

"I knew this would come in handy," she chirped, putting her camera safely inside her bag. "Don't worry," she beamed, looking at their shocked faces, "I'll share with you two the picture when I develop it!"

"'Ily," James forced the words to come out of the current position of his lips, "'ah never knew 'aye 'Ily kitty could be sho evil – OUCH!"

"Merlin," Sirius muttered, sticking his left hand in his pockets and searching for a tissue, "That's one big piece of corn. Oi, got a tissue?" he glared at James, who was rubbing his chin, as if it were his entire fault. "I have your piece of corn here the size of a Hippogriff's eye, it'd be nice if –"

"That bloody hurt!" James howled. "My teeth, my perfect teeth – are they still intact?"

Sirius snorted. "I wouldn't be surprised if they weren't. Seriously, anyone?" he glared at a few second-years next to him. When he didn't get an answer, he merely flicked it to the other side of the common room.

"Black!" Lily scolded him, hands on her hips.

"You're right, I'm sorry," he sighed, looking sincerely regretful. "I could've taken someone's head off with the size of that thing – sorry!" he called, waving and smiling sheepishly at his fellow Gryffindors, who simply looked at him weirdly.

Meanwhile, James was inspecting the state of his 'perfect teeth' in his mirror. Once he was satisfied, he sighed in relief and pocketed it.

The mirror, that is.

"I seriously thought I'd be chipped tooth," he grumbled, rubbing his chin once more. "It still kind of hurts though – do you think there'll be a bruise?"

"Yes," Lily answered swiftly, "but it'll be nowhere as big as the size of your ego."

"Oh Lily, you wound me so," James groaned dramatically, dropping to his knees and hanging his head in shame.

"Lily Billy, how can you do this to my best friend?" Sirius puffed out his chest and mock-glared at her. "I demand you make it up to him right now."

"Will you go out with me?" James leapt to his feet promptly, grinning once more and back to his, as Lily would call it, 'Ego-As-Big-As-Russia' mood.

The girl in question glared at him and asked instead, "After giving you the same answer for half a year, what makes you think I changed my mind?"

"Because you love me?"

"If love is the new word for 'hating your personality,' then yes," Lily growled.

Deciding his friend's ego was in serious danger of deflating by a miniscule, Sirius came forward and whammed a hand against James's back, making him step forward involuntarily and choking. "Why won't you give Prongsie here a chance, huh? Huh? Huh? HUH? HU –"

"Because," Lily poked his chest, "he's still a conceited, cocky, self-centered bully who terrorizes people for the fun of it!"

"Hey, three C's!" Sirius guffawed, whacking his friend's back again and laughing particularly loudly for a not-so-funny joke.

If it was even a joke at all.

Which it wasn't.

"Not really," James frowned, his brows crossed. "'Self-centered' begins with an S."

"But 'centered' begins with a C."

"Yeah, but 'self' comes before 'centered,' so technically, it starts with an S."

"But the word self in this word isn't really important, its key meaning is in centered."

"That'd make no sense! 'I am a centered bully'?"

"Hmm, maybe you're right –"

"Will you two shut it already?"

Both boys broke away from their 'what-letter-does-'self-centered'-start-with-mystery' and turned towards her, grinning sheepishly.

"This is the lamest conversation I've ever been in," Lily commented, mostly talking to herself.

"I think it's rather interesting," Sirius beamed. "Right, so, back on topic. Where were we?"

"I was busy pointing out – correctly, if I may add – Potter's characteristics."

"Incorrectly," James corrected her.

"No, I said correctly."

"You said correctly, yes – but that's incorrect."

"What's so incorrect about me pointing out correctly your correct features?"

"The fact that you said correctly makes it incorrect."

"Well, your statement about the word I used correctly – which is correct - is incorrect."

"Is it just me, but are the words 'correct' and 'incorrect' sounding more and more strange?" Sirius cut them off, stroking his chin. "The more you guys say it the dirtier it sounds."

"That's just your mind," Lily rolled her eyes at them both before leaning down and grabbing her bag, stuffing the book she was previously reading inside it. "Like I said, this is the lamest conversation I've ever been in. Now, if you'll excuse me –"

"You're not excused," Sirius blurted out.

"And why is that?"

"Because you haven't given Prongs here an answer yet." This time, James was ready: he leapt to his right as Sirius raised his arm to slap him on the back, but instead of just hitting nothing, his hand hit Lily's shoulder instead.

She doubled back, a little surprised. "Black!"

"Yeah, Black!" James glared at his friend, who looked at his victim apologetically and rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you okay? Do you need to go to Madam Pomfrey? Have you broken any bones? Take off your shirt, you could be bleeding, I'll probably have to –"

"Oh shut up, Potter," Lily smacked his hand away, shouldering her bag again. "Move."

"Go out with me, Evans? Please?"

"Give me one good reason."

"Because I'm a good-looking, not-self-centered-as-in-the-self-centered-that-begins-with-an-S bully, and all-around good guy?" he batted his eyelashes at her.

"James!" a fifth-year-girl suddenly came between James and Lily out of nowhere. "James, your Nimbus 1500 is sooooo beautiful, it makes you look even sexier than usual –"

"It does, doesn't it?" James grinned, straightening, but frowned and scowled at her under two seconds. "Now move before I hex you, you're blocking my view of Evans."

The girl gave him another admiring look before scampering off to her group of friends, excited to hear all about the oh-so-exhilarating exchange.

"See what I mean?" Lily glared at him. "You can't stop complimenting yourself! Was this trait something that you were born with, or did Black rub off you?"

Sirius, who had been flirting with a nearby girl, overheard the last bit of her sentence. "Hey!"

James continued as if he hadn't heard her. "You have to admit though, the broom makes my arse look as good as ever, very nice view indeed –"

Frustrated, Lily gave up and pushed past him, stomping her way to the girl's dormitories.

"I'll take that as a yes, then?" her desperate suitor called after her.

"NO!"

"I think that went quite well."

"I think so too."

"I mean, at least she didn't pour a pitcher of pumpkin juice over you –"

"She just wanted to see my clothes stick to my amazing body."

"– or like last time, 'kindly' offering to cure your numb foot by stomping on it a few dozen times –"

"She just wanted to cling to my amazing body while she did so."

"I think she was holding onto the table, though."

"Hmmm."

They were climbing up the stairs that led to their dorm room as they evaluated James's recent attempts to date Lily Evans. When they stopped outside of their doorway, the door automatically opened itself and a red carpet rolled out, trumpets playing and the crowd going wild –

Well, no. Not really.

Instead, Remus Lupin burst out of the room, clutching his nose. When he reached outside, he slammed the door shut and leaned against it before breathing out a sigh of relief.

"Let me guess," Sirius grunted. "Not his butt cheek squeak again?"

"Squeak is an understatement," their friend fanned his face with his book. "In fact, the word squeak is far too cute and endearing to describe –"

"Wormtail's flabbergaster?" James snorted. "I agree."

Before any of them could comment any further, the door was pulled open again and Remus nearly tumbled into their room. The three of them backed away from the figure that now stood before them.

There was a slight pause before Peter shuffled his feet, saying, "I'll have you know that it wasn't that bad –"

"Oh dear Merlin," James waved a hand in front of his nose, making a face, "what did you eat?"

"Um," Peter coughed, "a potato."

"Was it boiled or mashed?" Sirius demanded.

"Mashed, I think."

"I knew it."

"That doesn't explain anything," Remus snorted. "I don't care what he ate, I just want a place to sleep tonight that doesn't smell of –"

"A simple charm should do it," a quiet voice came up behind them, and the four of them shrieked like girls and leapt aside.

Oh, the shame.

The four of them watched as their other roommate walked in ("He isn't even holding his breath – what a brave soul!" Sirius gaped in wonder), muttered the incantation, and immediately they could sense the success of its effect.

"I knew that," James said rather offhandedly, strutting into the room.

"So did I," Sirius shrugged and went in after him. Remus merely shook his head before he followed suit, and Peter hesitated for a moment before going in.

Scanning around, Remus frowned. "Where did Malory go?"

"He's asleep," James nodded at the other side of the room from his position at his own bed. "How he does it, I'll never know."

Sirius sniggered, battling his way to his four-poster through his mess. "Yeah. You'd think between our talking and shouting, Prongs's courting of Lily, Wormtail's farts –"

"HEY!"

"I mean, his uh, 'puffers' …"

Apparently, it seemed like Peter was quite sensitive to his … problem. Mind you, I would be too.

"Speaking of which, how'd it go?" Remus looked at James.

"Brilliantly!"

"She said yes?"

"Not really."

"Then how's that 'brilliantly'?" Peter frowned, sitting down beside Remus's bed, crossing his legs.

"Because she didn't even hit me this time!" James beamed at them, as if he were expecting a round of applause.

Which, incidentally, Peter did. Put his hands together and clapped vigorously.

It's rather amazing how such a big sound could come from such a small person with such small hands.

"Wormtail!" Remus prodded him with his book. "You'll wake Malory up!"

"Oh," he stopped, looking a little guilty. "Sorry."

"Don't be such a worrywart, Moony," Sirius said. He had reached under his bed and grabbed a box full of Chocolate Frogs and began to stuff them into his mouth – like before. The scene was just as unpleasant.

"If the boy can sleep through our ruckus and schemes and … stuff, he can sleep through anything," James nodded in agreement. "Padfoot, mate, give me some –"

"No. Get your own."

"That's not fair, you already had some downstairs –"

"Sucks to be you."

"Padfoot!"

"If you hadn't been busy then," Sirius sniggered, "then you would've paid more attention." He grabbed another, pulled out the card inside and sighed. "Bah, Dumbledore again. I have enough of him to cover up the castle walls, floors, and toilet seats."

"Then give it to me – along with the frog."

"You know," Sirius crossed his eyes at him, "this is exactly why Evans won't go out with you."

At this, James laughed. "What? I'm a gentleman!"

He belched. Loudly.

"I live with the smelliest people on this planet," Remus muttered under his breath, fanning himself with a book again.

Sirius finally threw the sweets aside, strode over to James – almost tripping a few times from all the junk in his way – and jabbed a finger forcefully into his chest. "You," he declared dramatically, "need our help."

"Help?" Peter looked at him nervously.

"Yes!" Sirius grinned slyly, pulling James to his feet and thumping him on the back. From all the whacks he had given him, his back was probably black and blue by now. "Our help! We're the Marauders, we help and assist and aid each other whenever necessary!"

Remus opened his mouth and began to interfere, "I don't think –"

"AND," Sirius glared at him as if he was interrupting the most prominent speech of all time, "there's three of us, meaning we've each got our own specialties and things we exceed in. Once we teach Prongsie here all about them, he'll be able to get Lily Folily in no time!"

"Please don't call her that," James mumbled, not knowing whether to agree or disagree to his best friend's plan.

Peter, like the other two, was a little doubtful. "What specialties?"

"Well," Sirius looked around the room impressively, grinning, "me, Sirius 'Padfoot' Black, for my extraordinarily good looks and witty charms. Remus 'Moony' Lupin there, for his astonishing intellect and impressive knowledge of … stuff, and last but not least, Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew for his surprisingly good table manners."

It was true. Compared to the other boys, Peter actually had the knack to use his fork AND knife to cut his steak into little pieces before putting them daintily into his mouth. The only other person who came close was Remus – but usually, he only cut his whole steak up roughly right after he sat down and threw the knife to one side as he forked his pieces vigorously into his mouth. James and Sirius, on the other hand, simply inhaled their food.

James frowned. "I'm already sexy enough. If I got any sexier, I would explode. Besides," he snorted, after an afterthought, "it's not like you'd be able to teach me anything about charms and good looks."

"Knowledge and intellect can't be taught either," Remus said. "How do you suppose I teach him something unteachable?"

"You're the smart one, figure it out yourself," Sirius shot back.

James snorted in impatience and pushed Sirius's arm away. "I don't need your help. I'm doing perfectly fine, Lily's just … late. She'll come around." He tried to ignore the looks they gave him. "She will!"

His friends merely gave him looks that read 'no she won't.'

James rolled his eyes at them before reaching into his trunk to grab his Invisibility Cloak and a few items of clothing. "I'm off to take a shower."

"In your Cloak?" Sirius snickered while Remus frowned. "So it was you who's been using the Prefect's Bathroom all this time?"

"Er – yeah," James avoided making eye contact with him. "Sorry about last time, I promise it won't happen again."

"I hope not," Remus muttered darkly.

Peter was intrigued. "What did he do?"

"He 'forgot' to turn off one of the taps two weeks ago," he replied, cringing at the memory. "Somehow, the bubbles – the really big ones, as big as Quaffles – fused together and trapped the first Prefect that went inside after James left."

"Poor Davies," Sirius chortled. "Floating down the hallway stark-naked in a big, blue bubble for the whole world to see."

"Poor Davies? Poor us, more like!" Remus shook his head. "I do NOT want to re-live that sight again."

Peter, however, looked thoughtful. "I've always wanted to float around the school in a bubble." When the others shot him odd looks, he quickly added, "but fully clothed, of course!"

"You know that was a mistake," James huffed, grabbing the door handle. "I promise, Moony – no more incidents like that will ever occur."

Remus smiled and returned to his book, not noticing him wink at Sirius and add quietly, "Not by accident, anyway."

After the door closed and James disappeared, they heard him laugh like a crazed maniac. Remus gave the door a frightened look and promptly said, "I'm in."

"Moony," Sirius smirked, "Why the change of mind?"

"I think it's a bloody great idea," he simply replied. When the remaining two gave him a look, he sighed and added, "I've run out of books to read."

"Glad for you to join us!" Sirius clapped him on the back, hard.

"I'll do it too," Peter suddenly said, looking at them back and forth. "I'm in."

"Great!"

"… do I get a strike on the back too?"

Remus snorted, trying and failing to rub his backside with his own hands. "Do you want one?"

"Yes."

"I'm not even going to ask why," Remus mumbled before turning to an equally confused Sirius. "So, what's the plan?"

"Not plan," he chirped. "Plans, as in plan with an extra s, as in more than one plan, as in loads-of-awesome-plans, we're going to plan some of the best plans this plan has – I mean, planet has ever heard of!"

Remus and Peter just stared at him.

"Is the word plan starting to sound strange to you?"

A/N:

Er, I hope I introduced the plot of the story all right. I've been writing for a while on another account actually (but never HP-related), I just felt like making a new one. If you'd like more details and such, please say so – it's one of the qualities I know I lacked before, I'm trying to put more descriptive sentences into my writing.

This story is probably going to turn out really cliché. But you have to admit, those ones are the best. We'll just see if this one falls under that category. 8DDDDD

And just so you know … this will be a bit of a crackfic. Meaning, its humor is ridiculous and outrageous and will make you pee in your pants. Whether from laughter or disgust, I don't know. You've been warned.

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