I had just come home from another Sunday in the garage with Jacob. My personal sun. I felt slightly guilty because it was way after dinner time and I had left Charlie to fend for himself – clearly a bad thing, assuming Charlie's health mattered to him and myself. How he had survived without a helping hand in the kitchen was still a mystery to me. Probably pizzas over pizzas. Like this evening. He grinned at me when I got home. I realized that I was still grinning over the afternoon. It was so simple and assuring to be with Jake. The moment I left him was the moment I started missing him. It was also the moment the hole in my chest started throbbing again. Right now it was just a faint tugging around the edges, but it was sure to burst open once I lay in my bed.
Charlie asked me casual questions about my afternoon. He still didn't trust my recovery and he had no idea how right he was. I was nowhere near to being healed. I sat with him for a while and smalltalked. I even watched some TV with him, something I rarely ever did. It wasn't exactly entertaining, but way better than what awaited me upstairs.
But I couldn't delay it much longer. So I excused myself and went to my room. I took my time in the bathroom, brushing my teeth extra-clean and taking and extra-long shower. The hole got bigger as time went on.
I knew what would happen now. I'd lie down; I'd try to think about Jake, because that didn't hurt. But my mind would wander. The way it always did. And I was right.
The moment I closed my eyes the hole tore open, with all menace it had. It was like retribution for the painless time with Jacob. Maybe it just felt so much stronger. I cried myself to sleep. And I had my usual nightmare. The nothingness was the most horrifying thing in my life. Tonight, like all other nights, I woke up screaming. In good luck the scream hat been muffled by my pillow.
Monday morning was like any other Monday morning. I drove to school, a little too early, but obviously just in time for Mike to pull in next to me.
"Hey Bella!" he greeted me. I smiled at him. He had, unlike some others, accepted me back without holding a grudge against me. I was kinda thankful for it, but not as much as he hoped.
"Hey Mike!" We had Calculus together first thing.
"There's no better way to start the week than with a calculus class!" he said, grinning widely.
"Mike, did you hit your head very hard this weekend?" I asked, teasing.
He laughed at my joke like it was the funniest thing in the world. Honestly, I liked Mike well enough; it was just so annoying to have him drool over me like that all the time. When would he accept a no for a no?
The rest of the day was dull. Lunchtime was the usual, Jessica ignored me the best she could. I don't know if it had something to do with the way Mike treated me. I came up empty. Maybe it was just the way I had acted before Jacob gave me some of my life back.
Mike and some others had plans to go to Port Angeles Tuesday evening, but I was going to see Jake and I wouldn't have traded that for a thing – well one thing, or rather person maybe. But I couldn't allow myself to think about him. I told them I was sorry and that another day I'd love to come. Which wasn't even much of a lie. I was kinda intrigued by going to Port Angeles, attempting myself at a normal teenage afternoon.
So Tuesday I sat next to Jake on the small sofa in his living room. Billy was at Charlie's watching some ball game. Ever since that day in the clearing, the baseball match they – no! Stop right there! I told myself. Jacob eyed me warily. I wondered what kind of expression I had on my face. I worked on a smile.
"What's wrong, Bella?" he asked me, unimpressed by my try in feigning a smile.
"It's nothing Jake. I was just thinking." Pause. Stop. Right there. I had to change the topic before it got out of hand too much. "So, what's the plan tonight?"
He still watched me curiously, but obviously decided to let it drop. "Sam and the others are making a bonfire. Nothing big you know. No official meeting or so. Just friends hanging out. Maybe we could go."
"Sounds cool!" And this time my smile was genuine. He seemed pleased enough as he got up and pulled me after him. I giggled and I didn't know why. I liked the way his hand felt around mine, though I would never openly admit that. I didn't even want to permit myself to feel the pleasure. I don't know whether he was really oblivious to my response to his hand around mine or if he just played it down. Anyhow I was glad that he let it be for now.
The bonfire was already underway when we arrived. Even though it was anything but late it was already dark and chilly. The wind that hit me in the face when I got out of Jake's rabbit was bitter cold. Maybe it just felt that way because it was really warm whenever Jake was around. Werewolves...
I went to stand by the fire. Quil winked at me and Jake hit him over the head. I had to laugh. Emily came to greet me. I felt like I belonged. Nobody treated me funny here, not like in school. Jokes on my account were the friends-teasing type, nothing mean.
Emily and I talked a little about meaningless things. It felt good. Normal. Easy. We eventually sat down on a fallen tree. Jacob sat down beside me, but he didn't participate in the discussion. He had his arm around my shoulder. It felt better than I liked. Not only because it was warm, but also-and mostly because it felt safe. And comfortable, just a little more than it should have been.
I ignored the feeling as good as I could, and it wasn't that hard with Emily there. But after about twenty minutes Sam called her and she went to him. When I looked around I saw Quil, Embry, Jared and Paul a little way down on the beach chasing after each other. Sam and Emily stood silently in the shadow of a tree and it didn't seem like they were gonna move anytime soon. Apart from them we were the only ones around.
I was suddenly very much aware of Jacobs arm around me.
And his husky smell.
When I turned to look up at him he was looking at the sky. He must have felt my movement because he bent his head down.
"Are you having fun?" he asked, grinning my personal-sun smile.
"Yeah! It's cool. Emily is nice." I answered, trying to lighten the talk. It didn't work.
"Mmh!" he said.
It was out of character for him to talk so little. He must have been thinking hard about something. Again his head turned to the sky. I looked up too. Tonight must be a very rare thing, I thought to myself. Because the sky was powdered in stars. It was unbelievably beautiful. Back in Phoenix I never saw so many stars, because of the city lights. But there being no clouds also meant that it was cold. And the fire wasn't as high as when we had arrived. I shuddered a little and instinctly crawled closer to Jake. I leaned my head against his shoulder. I wanted to stay here. Because when he'd stop holding me together the hole would come back with full force. But I couldn't bring myself to worry about that too much now. I felt his heart beating, maybe a little faster than it should, but he was calm on the outside. With his free hand he lightly touched my cheek, but didn't say anything.
Suddenly though he got up and nearly knocked me over in the process. "It's getting late. I should bring you home. The game is over and Charlie is gonna wonder where you are."
I nodded, not quite sure to what I was agreeing. It felt too much like suddenly waking up from a nice dream. When we sat in the Rabbit I couldn't help but think about dreams. Not nice ones. The closer we got to my house, the edgier I got. Jacob noticed. "You allright?" he asked.
"Sure sure." I answered, too fast.
He pulled up in front of my house, behind Charlie's cruiser. Neither of use moved. I didn't want to go out of the car, to go to my empty bed, to the nothingness of my dreams. I wanted to stay with Jake. Badly.
"Bella, I know something's wrong. And I guess I know what it is. But it has been almost half a year." I flinched. "But you are holding on with too much of you. Try to let go. Just a little. You know I'll be there to catch you, should you fall. You can always count on me." He made a little pause. He had no idea what he was talking about. No idea of the painful hole in my chest. He didn't know my nightmares. How it hurt to be reminded of him.
I said nothing; I didn't know what to say. I was wretched. He sighted. Just when I was about to get out from the car our front door opened and out came Charlie and Billy. Laughing. I swear they were too much like gossip ladies for their own good. Charlie wheeled Billy to Jake's side of the door. The tension was forgotten. He shrugged at me, smiled a little and got out. I followed and went to stand next to him.
I think Charlie was very pleased with the two of us spending so much time together. Also on school nights, he didn't object.
"Hey kids!" Billy almost shouted. Jacob eyed him carefully. "You'll never guess." The look in his eyes, dublicated by Charlie, very much resembled the look little children got on Christmas, seeing a pile of presents to tear open.
"What?" I asked, truely wondering what would set them in such a good mood.
"Billy here and I are going to..." Charlie began, dragging the last word like announcing a real big thing.
"What dad?" Jacob and I asked in unison.
"...to the ball game they are having in Seattle this Friday. It's all booked. Hotel rooms for the night, most importantly tickets for the game. We'll be leaving Friday afternoon and we'll be back somewhen Saturday night." Billy finished Charlie's sentence.
"What?" Jacob and I asked again, at the same time.
Charlie's face sobered up that instant.
"You're gonna be okay, I mean, alone?" he asked me.
"Sure sure!" I quickly said. "You go ahead and enjoy yourselves!" It was gonna be awful, no question, but well, not that bad. Charlie had deserved this. I hadn't seen him this elated in forever. Actually I think I have never seen him like this before... and so this had to be a good thing for him. I would survive a solitary little night.
Without even noticing it I had stepped closer to Jake, leaning to his side. His hand was loosely at my waist. Charlie grinned widely at that.
"Jake could keep you company!" Billy said. Charlie nodded in agreement. I never saw that coming. I looked up at Jake who looked down on me. "Would you like that?" He asked me, grinning impishly.
I – like Charlie – just nodded. Wow. Was that a good or a bad thing?
Charlie looked at Jacob for a moment. A very stern expression on his face. "Just don't get any funny ideas boy." He warned him.
Jake just said: "Okay, chief!"
So when I lay in my bed that night, it was not the nightmares that came straight away. Other thoughts swarmed around in my head. I was gonna spend a whole night alone with Jake. Addicted as I was, i was sure this was no good idea. And it was gonna give Jake wrong ideas. I knew friendship was not what was on his mind all the time and here I was, selfishly claiming him when I couldn't be his. I was such a rotten person. And I couldn't bring myself to say no.
It had been too much time since I last spent a night in company, other than my dad loudly snoring in the room next to me. I couldn't bear to think of that, it hurt so much.
And then I heared Jacob's voice in my head: "Try to let go. Just a little." And I with an unexpected force I suddendly wished I could. I wanted to let go. I wanted to be able to say his name without the hole threating to burst open. I wanted to be able to be with Jake without feeling like a traitor. It was not me who left. He left. I know I shouldn't still care so much. That I should be able to open my heart to someone else. I wanted to run and I wanted to break something. I laughed; I wasn't usually a violent person. And yet here I was, with the strongest impluse to burst from my room, run into the woods and scream at the nothingness to back off. My heart raced with adrenaline, that I didn't know where it came from. Who did he think he was? Arrogant bloody vampire!
And even while thinking that thought I knew I'd never fully accept that to be true. So what if he left me? So what if there were distractions? So what if he never came back?
The adrenaline left my system. It was like it evaporated. I was left with nothing. No not entirely. There was a new feeling in my chest. It was faint. But it was there: Anger.