I had a gun, with a few shots left. We were safe for the time being up here. From what I heard, the undead don't like stairs very much. I don't think any one had been infected on this floor at this point. Dean hadn't turned yet when I'd lead him up here. We'd found an unlocked classroom, and pulled the paper cover over the large window in the door. I sat on the floor with him and we talked, and I kissed his face, and I held him until my knuckles were white and I couldn't feel my fingers any more. He told me he loved me. He told me he was sorry that he wasn't strong enough to stay and protect me, and that he wanted me to take him out, as soon as he turned, so he wouldn't hurt me. I kissed at the crevices of his neck, and squeezed him tight from behind, at his torso and spoke softly. "We have rope in the backpack. I could tie you up, so you won't hurt me."
The suggestion sounded so feeble, and unreal. He laughed though, a hearty, yet dry laugh. "Cas, we just did that a week ago, and you brought our tie up toys?" I smiled, and squeezed his hip bone. "I didn't tell them what they'd been used for. Plus, they're with us now. It's alright."
Dean shook his head, and leaned forward so that he could fit his arms behind him, and Cas could tie them up while still sitting there, so close. Cas pulled the backpack over and began to tie his hands together. "Dean, it's not like I can get out of here safely any way. I'm already infected."
"Because I kissed you." He said softly. "I told you it was a bad idea."
"But you're dying. I couldn't let go. I had to feel you close, one more time. I need your warmth. I need your voice, and those pretty, earth green eyes..." I let off a smile, but oh, was it bittersweet. "Dean, I have a secret to tell you."
His body jerked forward, and he yiped in agony once again. He was changing. He was dying. The color was slowly draining from his eyes. They weren't earth green any more, they were pale and tired. "What, baby?" He cooed, leaning back with me. The back of his head was resting on my stomach. I could feel his heart beat on my inner thighs. He was so warm, I felt like we were still at school, sitting in the grass for lunch break.
"I was going to propose." I said quickly. "Will you marry me?"
Dean rolled over, and placed his hands over my head, on the ground. He looked down at me, and nodded slowly. It must've taken so much strength to topple over like that... I felt my lip start to quiver. "Dean, I don't want to live without you. I don't want to do this. I don't want to-"
He leaned down and kissed my forehead, and my cheek bone, and my nose, and my lips, and my chin... And my neck. I wasn't afraid of him. I couldn't be. Even if he was going to turn soon. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't hurt me... I felt a small twinge of doubt of that, in my stomach though. "Cas, please. Do it before I turn. I don't want you to see me like that. I'm still a person right now. I have feelings. I have needs, and I have desires. Please. Please, do it." He started to cry too, and pressed his body down on mine. "I love you. Please, do it. Or let me do it myself. Yeah, I'll do it myself. It's alright baby. You don't have to do it. Just...Untie me. Please."
I didn't want to untie him. I knew he was stronger than me. I knew he could hurt me if he turned before he got the courage to do it. "Dean, what if you can't do it? What if you still turn, and I have no way to... end this, before you get to me? I want to stay close to you. I won't leave your side. I can't. I'm not going to." I said with force.
"I've tried many times, before you. I always had a reason to stay though. I had Sammy. He's gone now. I have you, but that's why I've gotta. I don't want this life without you, and certainly don't want to come back and live until some other guy shoots me. I don't want to hurt any body else. Don't let me hurt you, of all people. I have a reason to do it now. I need to keep you safe." He looked me in the eyes, and leaned back, sitting up again. He was on his knees. "Cas, untie me."
His voice was so deep, and stressed. "Untie me, now. Please. Let me hold you, let me kiss your face, and run my fingers through my hair one more time."
How could I tell him no? If he hurt me, it was worth it. I struggled with the knots, but got them undone as quickly as possible. I knew we didn't have much time left now. "Dean." I said, as he got to his feet and turned to face me again. He tugged me close, and kissed me so deeply, I couldn't remember any of the sadness. He always took me away like that. His lips lingered at my temple and he kissed down my cheek, holding me so tightly... He was holding me. He'd kissed my face. I was running out of time. I felt the panic start to bubble up in the back of my throat.
"Dean-" I plead, starting to cry. I was sobbing. He carded his hands through my messy, noir hair.
He held me tighter. "Don't be scared baby. Don't be scared... I don't wanna.. But if you don't wanna see me, I could do you first. You're infected."
I shook my head. "I won't ask you to do that." I said, straightening my posture. I'll stay with you, and call Gabe, and then I'll do me." I nodded, reassuring us both that it was the thing to do.
"It's time." Dean said, backing away. He sat in the corner of the room, after picking up the gun from the desk top.
I followed him, and sat in front of his legs. I felt my chest start to rise and fall with sudden violence. "Dean, I love you." I tried.
He nodded. "I love you too, baby. It's okay. Don't be scared." He said, but he was crying too. He was quiet though. A tear slowly fell down his cheek, and then one from the other side came too. His voice was crackling, but he wasn't sobbing like I was.
"Dean, I love you." I said again, crawling between his feet.
"The gun shot'll hurt your ears." He offered.
I shook my head. "You dead'll hurt me a lot more. I don't want you to go."
Dean groaned again, and his arm twitched. His torso turned in angst. "Cas, I have to do this. It's time. I'm turning. Please-"
"Kiss me." I said, getting on my knees, between his. I leaned closer, and I looked into his eyes. They were so white...
Dean turned off the safety, and cocked the pistol before he kissed me sweetly, for the last time. It was like he had that day on my grandma's back porch that the ivy grew up, and the sun beat down on. It reminded me of how it tasted too, like sweet tea. I smiled. "It's okay..." I whispered, holding his face. I kissed his lips gently, and sat back on my heels, ready to catch him after he fell.
"Close your eyes, angel." Dean told me. "It's okay.."
I nodded, and pulled at my bottom lip with my teeth. I was trembling. So was he.
"I love you."
"I love you."
And then there was the shot. And I heard the splatter, and I felt him fall. I heard the gun fall from his hands, and slide down his jeans, into the floor. I felt his shoulder nudge the cold tile. I felt the warmth leaving his body, and swarming around my bare arms. I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't. I couldn't look at him. I swore I would, but I couldn't. So I reached out, and touched his chest. I touched his black, cotton t-shirt, and I laid down on with him, with my hair in his neck, my ear on his clavicle, like we did every thursday night in my room, watching reruns. My hands shook so badly, I couldn't feel his skin underneath my fingers. I was crying, and trying not to scream. Others could hear me, and break through the door. They could ruin our perfect ending, our being together.
I opened my eyes, and saw my phone on the floor a few feet away. I didn't look at Dean. I couldn't. I wanted to remember him the way he was. I wanted so badly to kiss him though. I closed my eyes again at the thought of the sweet tea, and the ivy, and the sun beating down. "Dean." I choked out. "Dean." I couldn't feel my hands. I couldn't see straight I was so upset. I'd tried to pick up my phone, but it kept falling, and i couldn't see the screen. I threw it at the chalk board, and curled in on Dean. I held the gun. It had speckles of red and brown on it. I held his chest, and cried into the cotton that kept his skin from me.
"We were going to get married. And move away, to a nice big beach house remember? And your dad was going to visit, and your brother's too... I was going to start college that fall, and you were going to work at the autoshop down the street from our apartment and I was going to make sure that every night, you had a warm, home cooked meal to come home to because I know you and Sam never did. Jess was going to help me with the garden, and Gabe and Bal were going to fly in at Christmas. We were going to go to the bar, and watch you play." I squeezed his shoulder. "Dean." I said softly. "Dean, I miss you. God, I miss your voice. It was like honey." I smiled, and turned me head up toward him. I felt safe with him there next to me. I gathered the courage, and I let my eyes open.
I saw the blood splatter on the cinder blocks behind him, and the hole under his chin. It was black, and there was barely anything around it. I leaned up, and turned his face to me. His eyes were silver, but that was alright. I ran my thumb over his bottom lip, and felt that it was nearly warm still. The fever was still in him, which was why he hadn't fell cold an hour ago... I knew it wasn't him still there, keeping me warm, and the comfort felt imposturous. But... I was taking advantage of it. "Dean, Sweetie, you are so beautiful." I gently helped his lids down, and I kissed him, holding his cheek.
I wrote this. And next, I'll shoot myself.
If any one finds this, I don't blame you, but I wish you'd found a cure a little sooner. I loved him. Even if his dad didn't know.