Red Shells and Rolling Papers
a red herring
Notes: Please don't flame my story with comments about drug use, I get it, this was meant to be humorous. Also blame Snuffnyc for this fic, as it was spawned by a rather hilarious twitter conversation.
Thanks to MB who reviewed and corrected my phrasing.
Jane finds the papers on a Friday when she's rooting through Maura's purse for a breath mint. She'd asked permission, she was allowed to be there. It wasn't like she was paging through Maura's phone and reading her texts or whatever. She can't shake the guilt as she holds them and a pack of Altoids in her hands. What the hell does Maura have them for?
Just having those papers could get Maura searched in some states. Rolling papers, for cigarettes – or, as her shrewd Massachusetts Police Academy-trained brain pointed out, marijuana. Jane wonders which one, but she already knows the answer.
Maura's basically come out and told her after all one night down at the Dirty Robber when they had somehow got into a game of 'never have I ever' with Frost, Frankie and Korsak. Frankie had said that he'd never smoked pot, everyone else at the table had put their fingers down, he'd been fucking pissed, but Jane learned two things that day:
1. Her little brother is still boring as shit, despite growing up to the point where he can actually do stupid shit without their mother losing it at him.
2. Maura Isles has, at some point in her life, smoked a little reefer.
So Jane puts the papers back into Maura's purse and resolves to not think about it as she sucks on her Altoid and stares moodily out into space.
They're not in narcotics. The drug tests that they take at 'random' come every six months like clockwork. Jane did one last week. She's good for at least another six months, marijuana takes a good month to get out of your system. It's a risk, after the week she's had, that she's willing to take.
And thus Jane gets an idea: she goes home and calls up Tommy, who is a big fan of video games now that he's out of prison. She spots him a twenty and he brings over his Wii system and two controllers. He moves around the chess pieces on the board that Maura's set up to follow the chess scenario that the Globe had printed over the weekend.
"You have any idea how to counter that gambit?" Jane asks as Tommy stares at the board in concentration. She's tried everything and it all inevitably ends with her losing, Maura's being more methodical about it, and has worked her way through several scenarios that have all ended with a dumb stalemate.
"Not. At. All," Tommy shrugs and picks up the carefully folded newspaper next to the chessboard and stares at it for a moment. "This is a completely insane opening."
"Thank you," Jane says, pulling her TV towards herself so that she can get behind it to where the video in ports are. She plugs in the cables and settles down onto the couch, switching the TV's mode over to 'game' and begins to set up the system for her TV.
"Maura wanted to race," she explains as Tommy sits down next to her and takes the Wii's remote from her and going into the TV's settings and altering the color mode slightly.
"Bet she's mean," Tommy mutters, testing the game and making sure it works.
Jane nods, "She's ruthless."
"That's probably because you race as Bowser. Switch to a middle weight or light weight and you'll do better," Tommy mutters, staring up the Mario Kart game and going through the menus and tossing Jane the other controller.
They race hard and fast, Jane hits Tommy with the fucking lightning cloud and then speeds off down Rainbow Road laughing as he flounders and drives off the edge.
See, Jane is also ruthless.
Tommy throws up his hands in defeat, "Sis, you've been kicking my ass on this since the first fucking game."
Jane smiles and throws her arm around her brother, "Bow to the master, little brother. Bow to the fucking master."
He leaves a few races later and Jane cooks some chicken and rice for dinner, Maura's got a later shift. She tosses a salad and sets everything up, this is going to be so much fun.
She's ready when Maura comes home, a few kisses and an easy smile and Jane raises her eyebrows in suggestion and there's a short interlude where Jane's hands are up Maura's dress but that is neither here nor there for the overall purpose of this story.
A just-sexed Jane Rizzoli has very little inhibition, so when the words come out, she doesn't even regret them. "You got pot?"
"I um…" Maura Isles, just-sexed, is a little more hesitant. She shifts uncomfortably under Jane's curious gaze and nods ever so slightly – never outwardly admitting to anything.
Jane smiles and nods her head back. "Just peed in a cup last week, I'm good for a while – let's have some fun."
"I thought that you wanted to play video games," Jane does not point out that Maura was actually the one who suggested that they race, even if the whole thing had been Jane's idea in the first place. She merely raises her eyebrow and dares Maura's too big and beautifully smart brain to put two and two together.
Maura does so with a smile and a laugh. "The first time I played SNES I was stoned."
"They have those in France?" Jane wants to know as Maura goes into the other room and produces a cigar box from the top shelf in Jane's closet. Eyes narrowing, Jane glances from Maura's hiding place to the culprit and back again, Maura smiles sympathetically at her and opens the box. Jane peers forward. She's got papers in there, a lighter, a pipe that she passes over, and a small bag of pot.
"They had them all over the world, Jane," Maura points out and Jane realizes that that was a dumb thing to say, as Tommy has been reading up a lot on video game history and legacy recently and has told her some of the more cool shit that he's found out. The Super Nintendo was fucking huge in Europe, it made sense that Maura would have played it in school. "I didn't realize that you knew I did this."
Jane has the good sense to be hurt, to be ashamed for not knowing her girlfriend better, but she says nothing and just shrugs. "When I was looking for an Altoid, I found your papers, you don't smoke – I made a guess."
There's a tutting sound that comes out of Maura's mouth almost before Jane can lean in to kiss her. She lingers there, tongue teasing the corners of Maura's mouth, smiling into the kiss as she pulls away, a silly grin on her face. "I don't really care – just please be careful and make sure you know when your drug screenings are."
Maura gives her a withering look and begins to roll herself a joint. Jane watches, curious. She's always just taken a few hits off of other people's – a roach clip or something equally retarded – never seen this done with pot outside of police training videos.
She's so gunna get fired for this shit, but she doesn't care. Maura's lips moving over the paper, creating a seal, nimble fingers adding the buds, rolling it expertly; they're hypnotic. Jane can't look away, Maura's meticulous and Jane is completely drawn in – moth to the flame. "Did you want me to make you one, or did you want to share?"
To be honest, Jane isn't sure. She just wants to not care, to chill the fuck out. She's been on edge for fucking forever and she just wants to forget everything.
She wonders if pot and video games count as using Maura, she feels like a user right now.
"Let's share for now, don't wanna get too carried away," Jane shrugs. "Besides, if we do too much, I won't be able to kick your ass."
Maura's picked up the lighter and frowns. "I do not go down easily Jane." Her thumb flicks the lighter and lights the end, drawing her breath in slowly, steadily.
The smell of marijuana fills her apartment and Jane turns on the hood fan over the stove and they stand there, passing the joint back and forth. Enough of Jane's neighbors are college students that she doesn't think any of them will come banging on the door telling her to go and tell 'those rotten kids' to knock that shit off.
It takes two joints between them until Jane is at the point where she feels like a savant, and Maura's talking in circles so complicated that Jane doubts she could follow them sober. She's talking about bitrates and how 64bit was better than 32bit, but that doesn't make sense because Jane remembers the advertising campaigns of her childhood – the more bits the more kicking rad. Maura then breaks Jane's brain with a mention of the fact that the Nintendo 64 was actually a 32-bit model and Jane announces that it's time for Maura to get her butt kicked.
Jane's played the Wii version of Mario Kart with Maura before. One weekend Frankie and Tommy came over and the four siblings sat around and played videogames for an afternoon before the Pats game came on at eight. It was in that moment that Jane realized just how much of a nerd her little brother was, and how fucking amazing Maura was. She was ace at shooters and boss at racing.
To be totally honest, Jane isn't sure she's gunna win this race.
She contemplates her racer carefully, selecting Yoshi after Maura picks fucking Baby Daisy in her dumbass stroller. She wants to be a heavier weight class than a light weight, and she goes for the basic bike, as Tommy's file doesn't have everything unlocked yet.
"I hate your racer," Jane mutters as she moves over to the Special Cup. She's so mellow that she doesn't really care that much, but there is something incessantly annoying about the way that Baby Daisy says her name.
Maura turns her nose up, "At least Baby Daisy has class, unlike Yoshi."
"Watch out, or I'll go back and get Toad and then you'll be racing a real asshole." Jane loves racing as Toad, but not today – she wants to be nice to Maura today. She is, after all, pretty stoned and it's on Maura's very good weed.
Maura snuggles down next to Jane, controller loosely in her lap as Jane debates fucking with both of them and trying to do Dry Dry Ruins at this stage of inebriation. It's not a good idea, that race is hard enough sober. She moves over to Rainbow Road, staring as the colors begin to blend together nicely.
"Wow," it's more to herself than to Maura, but Maura seems to agree with Jane's assessment, watching as the scene select plays the same looping fifteen seconds of race over and over again. Jane is pretty sure that she's not going to be able to actually race, she's gunna be too distracted by how the colors move together in a beautiful array of gay pride and awesome graphics.
And people fucking bitched about the Wii's graphic card. Jane shakes her head and nudges Maura. "You up for Rainbow Road?"
There's an easy smile that comes across Maura's face and she nods. "I was born ready."
Jane wishes she didn't teach her that expression, because it is so adorable that they get distracted for a few drawn out minutes, kissing. Jane kisses Maura to inform her of just how astoundingly beautiful and adorable Jane thinks she is; Maura kisses back in thanks. It's a nice sort of a kiss, very oddly out of it and the feelings are amplified quite a bit when Maura's fingers trail over Jane's chest.
No.
Jane shakes her head. They've had sex once already this evening, ownage in Mario Kart must come first.
This is a new thing, she's very single-minded while stoned. Or maybe this is just really good pot. Either way there's a hot as fuck woman who is obviously jonesing for round two and all Jane can think of is how she wants to race Maura.
An idea forms in her head, it is as such:
1. Loser goes down on winner.
2. Best two out of three rule applies and there is much potential for strapping it on in such a situation.
3. She wants Maura to blow her while she's wearing a strap on and watching football.
Well, that last one is probably not related, but Jane's mind is on sex and video games and oh god, that's great fucking shit. She's so fucking distracted, there's no way she's gunna win this race now.
"I'm going to race you now," Jane says, pulling away and grasping her controller firmly between two hands. She's not looking at Maura, who is shifting beside her, adjusting herself so that she's in a better position to invade Jane's personal space.
"But…"
"To the victor, the spoils," Jane admonishes and they start the race.
It is very distracting to race while thinking about Maura and blowjobs and sex while watching football or playing video games, so Jane lets Maura take an early lead and hangs back just far enough that she'll be able to get the good items and claw her way back to victory later on.
She then promptly drives off the goddamn side of the track.
"Motherfuck," she says as Maura giggles.
The next item box Jane gets is a spiked shell and she uses it without hesitation and smiles as she speeds past Maura.
Yeah, she's a bit of a dick, but she can't stop thinking about Maura going down on her.
Shit she's done it again.
"You just can't stay on can you?" Maura laughs.
It ends up with them both losing the race to fucking Bowser who came out of goddamn nowhere and Jane is cursing and throwing down her controller. She gathers Maura to her and kisses her sloppily, her head buzzing with the colors and the wonderful way Maura's tongue curls against her own.
Yeah, this was a very good idea.
Maura's always fit comfortably against Jane, the feel of her body pressed tightly against Jane's own has always been quite the turn on. Only now that they've smoked, it's more of a persistent urge. She wants to fuck Maura so badly but no one's won yet, so they have to race again.
"Winner goes down on the loser," Jane says and then thinks about what exactly she did say. "I mean… loser goes down on the winner."
"I was wondering…" Maura says, shifting so she's more fully on top of Jane. "But I don't want to race again."
"Maura, no one won." Jane doesn't know why she can't let it go, it's probably the weed, probably the bad decision when all she wants to do is fuck, but she can't. There's a certain order to things, she must win, and then must get the spoils. Or the other way around. "We can't just… move on."
Maura raises her eyebrows and Jane kisses her and then they're stuck that way for a few minutes, Jane's hands on Maura's ass and oh god, she'd love to say she won but she didn't. She has to win before she can have her spoils. She hands Maura back her controller and Maura climbs off of Jane's lap – a dejected look on her face.
"You can pick the race," Jane adds hopefully as Maura flips through the available courses. She eventually settles on the SNES version of Mario Circuit, one of the most challenging tracts just because it's so goddamn short.
They start in fifth and sixth place, because of fucking Bowser randomly owning their asses, and Jane pops a wheelie to begin the race for the speed boost and promptly crashes. She's so fucking bad at this game when she's fucked up. Shit isn't fair.
Maura's face has this look of utterly fascinating concentration on it and Jane has trouble paying attention to the race. She maneuvers and shoots shells and tries to fuck up Maura's path, but goddamn the girl is so fucking far ahead of her that it isn't working at all and fuck this, she doesn't mind going down on Maura anyway.
And then Maura laps her and Jane is seething mad but still manages to come back and finish at a respectable sixth.
As Maura's smug smile turns towards her, Jane vows to never, ever, do this again.
"I would like my spoils now, Jane."
Jane kisses her, tongue and everything. It's sloppy and wet and not entirely what Jane was going for, but Maura's arms are around her shoulders and Jane pulls her back into her lap. She feels good there, like she belongs there. Jane likes the feel of Maura pressed against her, soft, comfortable, hot to the touch.
"Here or in the bedroom?" Jane asks.
Maura seems to contemplate this for a moment before a wicked smile blossoms across her face. Jane swallows as Maura leans forward, kissing her on her nose. "Get on your knees."
Oh, so that's how its gunna be. Jane's mental facilities have all but shut down and she slides off the couch onto the floor as though she's made of rubber. The rug, at least is some comfort, as Maura shifts and pushes the coffee table away and turns off the TV.
Jane doesn't like to admit that she loves this. Loves it when Maura gets bossy and dominant. She knows that it's probably just a thing for them, like how Jane likes to fuck with a strap on (those issues are more deep seeded however) on occasion or how Maura likes to be on top. This is just a them thing.
Her hands are on Maura's thighs, pushing upwards, hooking around underwear, pulling it down. Jane's not one to dick around, especially when she lost so spectacularly. She waits though, waits for Maura to tell her what to do next – because if Maura's gunna play that game, she has to go all the way with it. Jane won't let her half-ass it.
Not that Maura Isles half-asses anything.
Maura seems to figure out what Jane is getting at, her fingers tangling in Jane's hair, pulling her forward. "Jane," she whispers and it's all the permission Jane needs.
The angle isn't really that great, but they adjust as Jane settles herself into a rhythm. Jane's tongue pushes inwards, upwards, her hands are the only thing keeping her grounded, holding Maura to her as she sucks on Maura's clit hard. She does what she knows Maura likes, lingering there until it would be too painful for Jane herself, pushing her fingers up and into Maura at the moment when she starts to jerk away.
Jane's good at this, she's always known that. She loves watching how Maura becomes more and more undone, her eyes wide and dilated from the drugs, from the sex, from everything about this perfect moment.
She won't stop, so Maura's request for her to go faster and harder is almost redundant. Jane thinks it's cute how Maura feels the need to say it anyway. This is her game, she's in control. Jane rocks her fingers upwards, hitting that spot, her tongue swirls and this is far, far hotter than she could have ever imagined.
She will give Maura her spoils any time Maura asks.
When Maura comes, it's nearly silent. She's got her fist stuffed in her mouth to prevent herself from screaming and Jane's pissed that she did that. Maura's screams are so lovely, but this isn't Maura's house – but an apartment and it's in bad taste to have screaming orgasms when your neighbors can hear everything through the fucking walls. Jane's grateful that even when stoned out of her mind and completely undone, Maura is sensible.
Jane sure as hell wouldn't be.
There's a shift then, Jane keeps slowly moving her fingers in and out of Maura, watching as the waves of sensation cause Maura's eyes to flutter shut and her mouth to drop open. The little gasps are the best part, and Jane is kissing her again and it doesn't matter that she lost to Maura in a game.
She won in the end.