Insert for 4x23 "Always"
One shot.
"In My Veins" lyrics by Andrew Belle
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~~ You ~~
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Well, that could've gone better. Kate is chiding herself - they should've waited for backup. Ryan had been right.
What had she been thinking? That's exactly the point though; she hadn't been thinking, and she had nearly gotten them both killed.
The ride back to the precinct is torturous and humiliating. Both Beckett and Esposito feel like chastised children, sitting in the back of the NYPD cruiser. It feels like they've been sent to their rooms, grounded. Gates is driving and Ryan is sitting as still as a statue beside her in the passenger seat. His eyes are fixed straight ahead and they can all feel the anger seeping out of Captain Gates' skin.
When does Gates ever get behind the wheel of an NYPD cruiser? It dawns on Kate that this is quite possibly the angriest she has ever seen their captain. Gates had led the team onto the roof - had stood back while Ryan dragged her lead detective to safety – then, after a fleeting look of relief at seeing Beckett hauled unceremoniously up over the ledge alive and relatively unhurt, things had turned frosty. Ice cold, in fact.
On the uncomfortable ride back to the precinct, Gates has said nothing, and she is saying it very loudly. It isn't just awkward, it is excruciating, and as they pick their way through the New York traffic, Kate starts to think about her future. She is re-evaluating her priorities, and she isn't about to be punished like a misbehaving child - she understands the enormity of the situation better than anyone and now that she is finally seeing things clearly, she isn't going to have Gates make any career decisions on her behalf. Over the last few hours, she has gone through a tremendous shift in paradigms. She is done.
As they pull into the underground parking lot, Beckett allows herself a moment to wonder how differently her day might have gone had she just listened to Castle, let him convince her that there were more important things than taking up a battle she was sure to lose. Kate had been hell bent on chasing down the lead they'd had on her mother's murder; brave and determined to a fault, she had thought that justice for her mom would be worth any cost.
Castle had tried to reason with her, but she had told herself that he was interfering, being possessive when he had no right to be. They had been dancing this dance for four years and they had gotten nowhere - definitely not to the point where he had the right to tell her how to live her life.
She wonders how Alexis' graduation speech went, and a pang of guilt hits her hard as she thinks of how Castle had walked out on their argument, hurt beyond measure. He had looked so full of hope and awe that morning on their last case, when she had agreed to hang out with him after Alexis' graduation. Then they had argued, everything had come to a head and when she last spoke to him, she could not have hurt him any more had she tried. Things really could have gone better.
When they finally arrive back at the precinct, Beckett and Esposito are marched through the bullpen like the criminals they normally apprehend. All eyes are on them…a few of their colleagues whisper to each other, wondering what's going on, and when Ryan tries to enter Gates' office behind them, the door is slammed squarely in his face. Beckett can feel the anger radiating off Esposito's back before she can even catch a glimpse of the thunderous glare on his face. He is so furious with Ryan for ratting them out; in his eyes, Ryan has let them down. And a whole new level of angry tirade is about to spill forth from Captain Gates.
"Withholding evidence? Lying to a superior officer? What you did dishonors this city and dishonors the badge. Not only are you off this investigation, I'm putting you both on administrative suspension, effective immediately."
They listen in silence to Gates' speech; she really is seething. When Kate tries to interrupt, in a meager effort to explain, Gates shuts her down, demanding that they surrender their badges and weapons.
Esposito hands over his badge and piece first- looks like he is accepting his suspension begrudgingly. However, when it comes time for Beckett to hand over her badge, she slides her fingers tenderly along its edge and her career flashes before her eyes. She thinks about her revelation on the rooftop and in comparison, her career pales to insignificance.
Without another thought, Kate Beckett makes a decision that will change her life, a decision she has been toying with during the whole uncomfortable ride back in the cruiser. She refuses to let Gates tie her to a desk, refuses to accept suspension . She won't allow Gates to make decisions concerning her career - this is her life. She tosses her badge onto the desk.
"Keep it. I resign."
Take the badge, and keep it. She feels the weight lift from her shoulders as she heads slowly back to her desk with her head held high and starts gathering up her belongings.
"I'm done", she mutters under her breath.
Not wanting to be an even greater subject of office gossip, Beckett leaves the bullpen without a backward glance. She doesn't stop to let Espo and Ryan know that she truly is okay, her decision to resign wasn't hasty or ill thought out, that she has realized there is more to her life than pursuing justice for her mother and catching killers. She feels lighter as reaches the elevator and the doors close on her, on the 12th Precinct, for good.
"Non-Detective" Kate Beckett looks up at the sky as she reaches the sidewalk; the clouds are looking ominous and she is carrying her bag of belongings rather awkwardly thanks to her bruised body. She really doesn't feel like taking the subway, and walking is out of the question, so she waves down a cab as best she can, balancing her bag on her hip. As she slides into the back seat and gives the driver her address, Kate finally relaxes. Sinking into the leather, she begins to make a mental note of all her aches and pains. She's starting to notice the soreness in her muscles and reprimands herself again on her stupidity, remembering how dirty that fight had been on the rooftop.
She had thought that she'd had a chance but instead, Maddox had just about beaten her to a pulp and left her clinging to the ledge. She is so very lucky to be alive. A shiver runs down her spine as she thinks about how close she came to losing everything and she shifts on the seat. Settling more comfortably, stretching her arms, she feels her back give a satisfying pop.
Closing her eyes Kate listens to the cab weave its way through the traffic. She lets her mind go blank and for the first time that day, feels at ease. Exhausted, her mind and body aching, she feels strangely calm. Not defeated in the slightest.
Juggling her bag of cherished possessions precariously on her hip, Beckett fumbles with the lock and nudges her front door open. Setting the bag down on the kitchen counter, she considers its contents. For someone who spent so much time at work, she really didn't have much stuff on her desk to show for it. Her good pen (a gift from her dad, the day she graduated college), a faded old family photograph of her mom, and of course, the elephants ("Never forget how important family is, Katie").
She smiles sardonically at that thought. By chasing down her mother's killer so tirelessly and determinedly (some would say 'obsessively'), she had forgotten how important family is. She had put her need for justice above everything else, to the detriment of her family at the 12th; the people who cared about her and the only people she would call family, aside from her dad.
Eyes flicking toward the darkening sky outside of her apartment window, Kate thinks her haven seems unusually cold and empty. Normally she loves her own space, the quiet refuge in her hectic life, but then again usually at this time in the afternoon she is at work. On any other day, she would be neck deep in a case, trying to bring a killer to justice, listening to Castle's outlandish theories. Normally, she would be with Castle.
Switching the kettle on, Kate leans heavily against the counter as she waits for it to boil. The sound of the water starting to bubble away is comforting, but it is over far too soon for her liking and the silence again descends, becoming oppressive. She needs to get out, get into open space and think. She really needs to think.
Beckett had come to a huge realization up on that rooftop and its starting to gnaw at her brain, demanding her to take action. Snatching her keys and phone off the counter, Kate grabs a jacket as an afterthought. She slams her door satisfyingly behind her and before she knows it, her feet are pounding the pavement. She doesn't care where they are taking her. She doesn't notice the direction in which she is heading. She just needs to move, loosen up her stiffening muscles, and come up with a plan of what to do next. Her next steps will be the most important she will ever take, and she wants to make sure she gets them right.
After walking aimlessly for what seems like hours, Kate is beginning to feel weary. She has been thinking a lot about the last few days, about the last four years even, and as she lifts her gaze from the pavement in front of her, she notices that she has reached a playground. The clouds converge overhead and the first clap of thunder echoes off the buildings around her, as Kate reaches the swing set and settles onto the cold, hard seat.
As the first fat drops of rain are released from the heavens, she thinks back to another time she sat on a swing set. He had been there too – Castle. He had been upset with her on that occasion as well. She'd just shown up at his book signing, out of the blue. He'd been so furious, defensive. She doesn't think she had seen him any angrier with her; not until now anyway. Back then, she hadn't understood. Not really. She had thought he was just upset because she hadn't called, hadn't included him in her recovery process. Didn't he know her well enough to know she doesn't let people in? She didn't need anyone's help, just needed time to hide away and lick her wounds in private. Now though, she can see things differently, and it seems that a lot of her decisions, even though she thought she had been right at the time, had been flawed.
As the raindrops beat an angry path to earth, Kate finally allows herself to think about Castle. It was as if she'd had an epiphany up on that awful ledge. At that moment, she had realized that Castle had been right. She hadn't been blind to what was happening between them, but she had conveniently pushed it neatly aside, telling herself that that catching her mom's killer was the only thing that really mattered.
At that moment, as she literally clung to life, all she could think about had been Castle. She was terrified that she would never see him again, never have the chance to tell him, show him, what he means to her. On that ledge, dangling up above the oblivious New York City traffic below, there had been only one thing that mattered - Castle. If she was going down, she was going down thinking about the most important person in her life.
Beckett had imagined him calling out, calling her name as he raced towards her precarious position, could almost feel his capable arms wrap around her even as she clung to that cold and unforgiving ledge. Even when he was physically not by her side, he was there…with her, always. He was in her veins, so much a part of her that she really couldn't be sure where she ended and he started anymore. She couldn't remember her life before Castle and she couldn't imagine a life without him.
Kate had actually been disappointed to see Ryan on that roof. Incredulously, she had, for one fleeting moment, wished that Ryan was not there. Unfairly, she had wanted Castle's face to be the one that she saw as she was dragged up over the terrifying edge of the rooftop to safety. Poor, sweet Ryan; so relieved to see her alive, clinging to that ledge, and so understanding when she couldn't hide her disappointment.
The playground lights up under the glare of a lightning flash and Beckett allows herself to tease out her thoughts one by one. With puddles pooling at her feet and the mist rolling in around her, she examines them, handles them carefully, turning each one over and wondering how she managed to convince herself that Castle had no rights – no say in her life. He cares about her, or at least he had cared about her, and he was well within his rights to want her to stay safe. After all they had been through, after all she had put him through, he had stayed by her side; solid and dependable - her North Star.
Castle had tried to tell her. He'd been right there, trying to stop her and to make her see that she was fighting a losing battle, a battle that could never end well, where justice wasn't worth the price she was willing to pay. And she had just thrown it all back in his face.
She closes her eyes and can see the hurt that had flashed across his face - the disappointment, the desperation and then most alarmingly, the resignation. He had shown his commitment to her every step of the way. In every smile, every goofy theory, every offering of coffee and every time he had her back… he had shown her that he was hers if she wanted him. And what had she offered him in return?
On that rooftop, she had understood, realizing the awful mistake that she had made. The only thing that was important, the only thing that mattered, was Castle. It had hit her like a truck.
As the rain becomes heavier and the darkness settles uncomfortably around her, another bolt of lightning shocks her into action. She finally understands and finally knows what she has to do.
Maybe it is already too late. Maybe she will be rejected, metaphorically slapped in the face just as she had done to him, but she had to try. For both of them she had to put herself on the line and throw it all out there for him to see, hoping against hope that he would find it in his heart to forgive her.
Beckett stumbles blindly back across the park. She hadn't realized just how long she had been out there. Suddenly wondering how Espo was doing, she curses herself softly under her breath; she probably should've called him to let him know that she was okay. That she stands by her resignation and meant every word.
She should also call Ryan. Always reliable and so terribly hurt by Esposito's accusations, she needs to let him know that he made the right decision in telling Gates where they were. He saved her life and she loves him for it. She could so very easily have gotten herself and Espo killed. Kate needs to thank Ryan, and she needs to explain to the boys that she realized, up on that ledge, that there was more to her life than her mother's murder. That she wasn't a victim.
Before she does that though, she needs to confess and repent for her sins. For whatever good it will do, and however it will be received, she now has a desperate and urgent need to pledge her soul to the one person who she absolutely depends on; the one she loves.
Kate's feet take her determinedly out of the playground, along the sidewalk glittering under the streetlights and down to the corner. She hisses under her breath when there is not a cab to be seen, but just as she starts trudging through the doom and gloom, one appears on cue and she waves it down.
"595 Broome Street, please."
She tries to give her destination confidently to the driver, camouflaging the fact that she is really not sure how well she will be received once she arrives.
It's getting late and darkness has descended by the time Kate reaches Castle's building. She stands forlornly on the sidewalk, and through dripping strands of hair, peers up toward the windows above. The lights are on and she knows he will be home. But she doesn't know whether he will let her in.
Pulling all her strength and courage together, Kate enters the lobby and catches sight of her reflection in the glass window, hissing disapprovingly under her breath. She looks a mess and she sighs with relief when she remembers that Martha and Alexis are both out for the night; they would be shocked if they saw her turn up in her current state. Her hair is clumping in damp strings down her back and her shirt is plastered to her skin, her jacket having done nothing to protect her from the downpour. Her muscles are aching; she's not sure whether from the fight on the rooftop or from sitting so long in the cold rain or both, but her need to see Castle gives her the courage to go on.
Beckett really isn't sure that Castle will let her in; she had never seen him so resigned, defeated, as when he told her goodbye. She snatches her cell phone out of her wet pocket and punches in his number. The phone rings, three, maybe four times and then goes dead. She imagines him staring at the caller id and swiping viciously to reject her call. No answer. She half expected it, and she's not going to let it stop her.
She focuses on the need to sweet-talk her way past the doorman, mumbling something about being drenched and needing to dry off. He recognizes her and she is free to enter the elevator, stabbing her frozen finger at Castle's floor button before she can change her mind.
The ride up to the loft seems to take forever and Kate imagines Castle up there alone. She isn't sure what is going to happen when she knocks on his door – he might not answer, pretend to be out. Even if he does let her in, and she does get the chance to tell him, confess and share her rooftop epiphany, there's no telling that it won't be too late.
Richard Castle is a generous and forgiving man, but everyone has their limits and she thinks that she may have pushed him past his. Her walls have been impenetrable for too long. He once told her that he loved her, but perhaps he is hurting so much that he has given up on her, on them. She draws strength from the words of one of her favorite songs. It creeps into head as the elevator climbs higher, and it matches her feelings perfectly:
x
"Oh, you're in my veins
And I cannot get you out
Oh, you're all I taste
At night inside of my mouth."
x
The elevator doors slide open and in a few short strides she has reached Castle's front door. Kate is shaking slightly, not sure whether it's from nerves or from the cold, and she holds her breath as she slides her palm down the smooth surface of the door, focusing on the words she has to say, has to make him hear.
She hopes against hope that he will listen, that he will believe her. That he hasn't given up. Leaning her forehead briefly against Castle's door to steady herself, she takes a deep breath and knocks, with a confidence she doesn't truly feel.
Kate is relieved beyond measure when the door swings open and Castle stands before her. She notes the look of surprise flash briefly across his face, the shock and then the displeasure. Clearly, he had not been expecting her.
"Beckett, what do you want?"
It's not warm, inquisitive or inviting. It's cold and indifferent. It's not a question at all really, but she forges ahead nonetheless, eager to answer him. This may be her only chance, and now that, by some miracle, she has got him standing in front of her she is going to give it everything she has.
Everything has led her to this moment.
It's time for her to lay it all on the line, to share the glorious realization she had come to as she had faced certain death, hanging from that wretched rooftop.
Now is her time to make a stand. This, right here, is her confession; the most important answer to the most important question she will ever be asked.
"You."