Mr Hutt.
Star Wars is by George Lucas.
Monty Python is by… Monty Python.
Fanfic is by the Dark side of my sense of humour.
'I'll kill him. I'll kill them all. They'll all pay.' Leia thought to herself as she sat at the side of her titanic slug captor. The crowd around her sniggered at the expression of barely contained rage and bloodlust she possessed at being forced to wear this skimpy slave girl costume. 'At least the heat isn't a problem in this.'
Jabba, being the fat, obscene, disgusting pervert he was, petted her head like she was some kind of Kath Hound bitch.
'…'
'I'll kill them all.' Jabba didn't notice her eyes turning slightly orange.
Outside, said princess's brother, the heroic Luke Skywalker, wandered up calmly towards the giant durasteel door. Before he could drive the door upwards with the force, he felt a fowl pulse of bloodlust and savage fury. Turning on his heels he calmly walked away from the source of the waves of demonic fury.
'I think I need to change my pants.' With that he walked away, forgetting all about Leia, Han, Chewbacca, 3PO and R2.
'Kill them. Kill them. Kill them all. Eat their livers. Drink their blood. Tear out their spines and gnaw on them.' Leia continued her murderous musings as she felt their saviour's presence leaving with his tail between his legs. Jabba and the other phonies and suck ups of his court just shrugged off the tingling sensation and slight sense of wanting to throw up.
Jabba though could not quite escape the latter sensation having spent most of his life eating titanic amounts of food. With one swift move he puked out the contents of his stomach, including several partially digested small creatures, onto the livid girl at his side.
On the outside Leia didn't even flinch at the sensation of several litres of bile cascading down her largely bare shoulders and back. On the inside though her extreme revulsion could barely be felt through the haze of malevolence which quickly grew a trillion fold. She saw out her eyes the little bits of puke that continued to rain down from her fringe, and would have wondered why her vision had turned red if not for her blinding hatred.
"Guards, get her to a shower. She smells disgusting." Jabba turned up his nose hypocritically at the young woman now covered in his vomit.
"And dress her for the dinner tonight. She's going to be waiting on me personally at tonight's banquet." The guards nodded, before dragging the woman with the murderous aura to her feet, escorting her out to somewhere in the lower levels of the compound.
They stopped off at the showers used by those currently passing through the complex. She shut the door to one of the cubicles behind her, noticing the Gammorean guards eyeing her up through the cracks. Normally Leia would have a problem showering in front of two brainless perverts, but there was the beauty of Gammoreans; they were all largely brainless.
"Don't you remember, Jabba told you no peaking." She called out to the slobs. They grunted and looked at each other confused. "Remember? He specifically told you he would feed you both to the Rancor if you peek." Leia smiled to herself as the guards grunted alarmingly, before moving to stand several cubicles away.
Stripping off what little clothing she had she turned the freezing water on and hurriedly washed away the puke that had begun to dry into a crusty shell from the heat of her merciless wrath.
'Shit! I have to kill that bag of crap or I'll drown in his puke in a few days. That is if he doesn't feed me to Spoofy the Rancor first. But how?!' She was interrupted when one of the guards sat a change of clothes on the door, careful not to look in on the nude woman for fear of Jabba's non existent threat.
Turning off the water after a few minutes she looked over the assembly of clothes prepared for her as she towelled herself off. They consisted of underwear for both her upper and lower parts, a white shirt, black pants, black coat and black leather shoes.
"A waitress eh?" She thought back to her bath of bile earlier. The pressure of the blast had surprised her. It was like he was a giant balloon… Who if filled too much would…
A twisted, sick smile graced her pretty face at the plan forming in her head. Well, it wasn't so pretty right now in her demonic state.
Getting dressed she toyed with the idea, growing ever larger as time went by. When she stepped out of the shower she looked like the perfect example of a waitress, with the exception of the slight sense of foreboding that hung around her.
Later that evening the hutt, accompanied by his lovely smiling waitress, made their way into the dining room.
Several small, dark, squid like creatures noticed the arrival. "Oh shit its Mister Hutt!" They quickly swam away to hide somewhere within their tank.
Leia directed her bloated master to a table near the centre of the room. "How are we this evening master?" she asked in a sing-song voice, eager to lull him into a false sense of security.
"Better."
"Better?"
"Better get a bucket, I'm gonna throw up."
Leia sneered inside, never once showing her true darkness to her prey. "Fortuna, a bucket for the master." She secretly relished at having the ability, if only for one night, to torment the arrogant toady who kept eyeing her up. Without showing the revulsion on his face the ugly twi'lec rushed off to procure a bucket, while Leia set Jabba down at a table, drawing it closer to him as he sat.
Bib Fortuna soon returned with said bucket, placing it on the ground near Jabba as he unloaded a torrent of slime and bile into it and across the floor around it. "Thank you Fortuna." Leia said.
"There's still more." The fat slug groaned. He had been eating heavily before they had left, and had to make room somehow. Either that or it went downwards, and no one wanted to deal with that.
"Oh, a thousand pardons master." She bowed to the 'honourable' slug as he unloaded another torrent of barf into the bucket, as the other patrons watched in mortified disgust.
"Now, this afternoon we have master's favourite, the Fellucian Jug Hair. The hair is very high, and the sauce is very rich, with truffles, anchovies and cream." She described the food as best she could, considering she's never even heard of half of it, careful to make everything sound delectable to the vile slug. "Thank you Fortuna." She indicated him to take the bucket away.
"There's still more." Jabba grunted to the two underlings.
"Oh," She moved around to pick up the bucket by the slimy handle. "A new bucket for master." Fortuna took the full bucket of puke away. Jabba, being Jabba, didn't quite care about the fact the bucket was no longer there, throwing up a river of brown filth at Leia's feet instead. Leia looked down at her feet in veiled disgust, before returning to her professional ways. "And the cleaning woman." Oh how she pitied the poor woman who would have to clean up after him. Some really did have it worse than her when it came to the hutt.
The silently plotting girl made her way around to the other side, opening up the menu for him to study. "… Or would you prefer to order straight awa…" Jabba blasted out another torrent of filth onto the menu before him. Again Leia hardened her stomach against the bile now rising in her's.
"Uh, today for appetisers, excuse me…" She wiped the back of her sleeve against the revolting mess he had bestowed upon the innocent menu, shaking it off behind her. How she hated the feeling of being covered in crap.
She went on to explain the myriad of foreign foods the slimy menu listed. She knew that along the line she would have mispronounced at least one of the totally foreign foods.
"I'll have the lot. Said the vile Jabba through the mess of vomit in and around his mouth.
Leia looked at him questioningly for a moment, before she stifled a sadistic grin. "A wise choice master." She closed the menu, ignoring the bits of slop pouring out as she held it before her.
'Now,' she thought to herself. 'I think I'll mess with him a bit, before I make a mess of the entire room with him.'
"Now, how would you like it served, all mixed up together in a bucket?" She asked jokingly, expecting her master to hit her or at least shout at her. What she hadn't quite counted on was the restonse of…
"Yeah, with eggs on top. And don't skip on the pate."
"But of course, and I assure you just because it is mixed up with all the other things, we would not dream of giving you less than the full amount. In fact," She began to get excited as her plan began to unfold. "I will personally make sure you get a double helping."
The hutt nodded lazily. "Now, something to drink master?"
"Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Shateu Lature fourty-five, and a double Gerrobarber Shampagne." She took note of the strange choices in her head.
'Why do these Earth guy's insist on making everything so fucking hard to pronounce.'
"And the usual brown ales?" She asked politely.
"Yeah." She moved to implement his orders, but was soon interrupted. "Wait a minute; I think I can only manage six crates today."
Leia jokingly mocked his backing down, silently hoping he would go just the one step further. "I hope master wasn't overdoing it earlier." She sing-songed.
Jabba just groggily looked up to the girl in anger. "Shut up!"
Leia bowed, smiling all the wile. "I apologise." Looking up she noticed Bib Fortuna returning with a new bucket, plus a woman with red hair and aura of darkness and rage. "Ah, the new bucket, and the cleaning woman." She chirped as the woman got down on the ground to begin shovelling up Jabba's crap. Leia couldn't help but notice she looked very similar to that sexy dancer Arica she had seen earlier in the palace.
Jabba didn't waste any time in spurting out the contents of his stomach onto the disguised and disgusted Mara Jade, while Leia went to attend to several of the hutt's phoney friends who were apparently about to leave. 'No, they must stay for the main event.'
"Is there something wrong with the food?" she asked with almost sincere worry.
"No the food was excellent." Replied one of the arrogant, pompous pricks Jabba surrounded himself with.
Their discussion soon devolved into talk about menstruation, trains and awkward bodily functions in public spaces. After that Leia really couldn't care less about wether or not the slimy idiots stayed for the finale or not.
"Perhaps we should be going." Suggested the now equally disgusted suck up.
"Ah, very well sir. Thank you so much. So nice to see you. And I hope very much we will see you again soon. Good evening sir."
'Plort!'
Leia's rage and malice returned to her at the meaning of the soggy feeling around her foot.
"Oh dear." She spoke sarcastically, desperately trying to hold herself back from attacking the hutt there and then. "I have trodden in master's bucket."
Lifting her leg out of the slimy mixture she surveyed the foot covered in foul smelling goo. "Another bucket for master." She called out. Jabba leaned over to vomit again on her leg without any apparent care. "And perhaps a hose."
Around her others of Jabba's court began to loose control of their stomachs, while Leia managed to bite it all back down.
Several hours later Jabba sat bleary eyed at the table now piled high with a mountain of plates, platters, bottles and scraps of food. His entire front was a mess of saliva and half chewed food. Leia smiled evily from behind as her plot came to an end. 'Well, it's now or never.'
She came up to the bloated Jabba from the side, in her hand a silver platter with one small piece of food presented neatly in the centre. "And finally master, a little thin after dinner mint."
"Bah." Jabba blurted, unable to turn to face her in his vastly overstuffed state.
"Oh master it's only a tiny little thin one." She pushed him slightly to take it.
"Nah, fuck off, I'm full." Said the vast hutt.
Leia began to become somewhat unnerved by his refusal, knowing that her entire plan depended on that one last little push. 'No, this can't happen. Not now. I'm so close.'
"Oh master." She bent down to his level to plead with the vile boss. "It's only a little thing." She continued to gently push him
Jabba, in his groggy state, didn't feel any threat to his person from her pleading, yet still refused simply out of being fulfilled. "No. I couldn't eat another thing, I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off."
"Oh master just…" Leia was becoming desperate. She leaned in close to the hutt's face, undeterred by the filth coating him. She gave him one last push. "Just one." She patiently waited, until at last the hutt gave in.
"Alright, just one." Jabba garbled out. Leia suppressed the sudden euphoric sense of victory, careful not to alert the disgusting blob.
"Just the one." She said softly, but with an ever so slight dark undertone. She lifted the tiny chocolate mint off the plater with a pair of tweezer like tongs. "Vuala." She placed the tiny mint into Jabba's open mouth, or rather the little bit of space provided in his mouth by a piece of food that fell out when he opened it. Careful not to show her growing sense of impending victory to the hutt, she used the little tongs to put his tongue back in his enormous gob. Jabba then slowly started to chew.
Now, seeing as her plan had succeeded, she let him see her victorious sneer at last. "Bon appétit." She bid him, before she sprinted off for cover.
Jabba had only just sensed her ridiculing sneer, and her hurried exit, at the very moment he swallowed the tiny mint. As soon as it reached his stomach, he sensed something was wrong, and that he had fallen for some kind of trap laid by his slave girl. He sensed himself beginning to grow from within, like the pressure had now passed the breaking point.
Leia dived for cover behind a wall corner as Jabba began to inflate from within. His alarmed face told every story as the food within his mouth was blown out from the massive volcano building inside.
She watched on, ecstatic, as Jabba boiled outwards, pushing the table over, and expanding into a giant ball, before he burst.
She took cover as a rain of fat, food and various organs flooded the entire restaurant. Jabba's lackies were covered head to toe in his entrails, with an intestine draped over a mans shoulder here, a woman getting hit in the face by a pancreas there, and a rather concerned looking Jabba in the centre with his empty rib cage blown open, and his heart beating inside.
Luke arrived from the empty palace with Chewbacca, the droids, and a somewhat disoriented Han. He was startled to notice several hundred patrons rushing out the door, all covered in puke and various stray organs, bursts of projectile vomiting erupting from them all. When they arrived within the dining room they noticed a horrified Jabba, surrounded by puke and gore, while a smug looking Leia waltzed up to him in all her sadistic glory.
"Good evening master. And here's your cheque."