October 3rd, 2378

Last few days have been very difficult. I have run around mindlessly and my head is spinning. My emotions vary from anger to sadness; I've felt everything between disbelief and disappointment. I cannot believe what's happened. I cannot believe she's gone.

October 8th, 2378

She's been gone almost ten days now, and each day that passes by without a word from her, I go more uneasy. She's nowhere to be found, and I'm not ready to accept that. This was not intentional, couldn't have been. She was in New York, she was there because of the conference. We talked briefly just a day before the conference began. She told me that she was going to start the second day of the conference with her keynote speech. But she never showed up. First they thought she was being late, and I'm more that sure that there were few eyebrows being lifted for disapproval. But once hours went by, mutual worries emerged. There was speculation about her gotten ill, that there might have been some kind of medical emergency. About that time I heard about it. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. Eventually everyone started to realize that she was just gone. Media was awake instantaneously. After that it's been one big bedlam, speculation and theories after another. Where's Admiral Janeway? Did she have nervous breakdown? Where did she go? Etc., etc….

I had other questions in mind. Who took her? Who took her, how did that happen, and why? I have still no answers and ten days have already passed by.

October 9th, 2378

I heard from Tuvok today. He assured me that he was on this case too. That was good to hear even thought I'm not sure how he can be an assist at the moment. How anyone can.

Otherwise I've been on a terrible mood. I think I should pay a visit to Indiana. Kathryn's family is one big bundle of nerves at the moment, and I cannot blame them. I cannot imagine what this must do to them. They had already lost her once, and now they have to go through it again. I want to help them somehow, but I don't know how.

October 10th, 2378

I went to the hotel in New York again. I just needed to see the place one more time. I went to the door of her room on the 7th floor, and there was nothing. She didn't get out of the window so she had to come out of her room at some point, unless she wasn't transported. But I doubt it. Call it a hunch, but for some reason I think she was taken from her room with more traditional means. How the hell didn't anyone see or hear anything? Someone must have seen something, if not in this hallway, somewhere around this hotel. But even though media had been all over this, there were no useful hints received. At least not yet.

October 11th, 2378

I confess that wondering about Kathryn and her whereabouts is becoming an obsession. I just cannot let go of this. I still feel like I should protect her. I certainly haven't done a good job, now have I? But I just feel this need to protect her, keep her safe. That has been my job for seven years. Just because we were suddenly back in the Alpha Quadrant doesn't meant that I could just abandon responsibilities I have kept all of the time I've known her.

I'm worried. I just want to see her again. I want to know where she is. Uncertainty is such a burden.

October 18th, 2378

I've been thinking about Kathryn a lot today. I was thinking about our trip to Lake Como just a week before she went missing. I was surprised that she asked me to come along, and at that time I thought it was because she had learned about me and Seven going separate ways. I quickly forgot that assumption, though. We never spoke about it directly, but there weren't any signs that she would asked me to come along just because she felt sorry for me. Strange how quickly one can adapt to new situations. Now the mere idea of me and Seven dating feels almost unreal. But I'm glad I got to know her better during the last days on Voyager. I saw the private side of her, which she keeps hidden under her cool exterior. I that way we are alike. I started to appreciate her more as a person, but romance wasn't the right thing for us. Live and learn – that's the way the life goes.

We had such a good time on Lake Como that day. I was happy to be there and she seemed to have fun, too. Her sister Phoebe and her husband Timothy were with us. Phoebe is such a character. She's so different from Kathryn, and yet there is this "janewayish" feature in her.

I took a holo-image of Kathryn that day, and I still look at it everyday. She was goofing around with this cap she found on the boat, thinking she'd look silly wearing that. I think she looked absolutely beautiful. Suddenly Phoebe called her, and she turned her face towards her. At that moment I clicked the camera and I captured her. I love that image. I'm glad I have it on my database.

I'm looking at that picture of hers again. It reminds me of the moment when I finally admitted to myself that I still have deep feelings for her And I remembered the promise I made myself years ago in the Delta Quadrant, how serious I once used to be about approaching her if we ever got back to the Earth. During the years I forgot that promise. Perhaps because even though she was right there, she was never really within my reach. That is the only aspect of our friendship I'm not missing.

Being with her on that little boat that day made me also realize how much more sense there was in this world, when she was near me. I will never take her presence for granted now on. Never.

There are no words to describe how much I miss her.

October 24th, 2378

I lost my nerves today. I've been so tired, frustrated, angry and sad, that I just finally lost it. Worst thing about it is that it happened publicly. Some reporter came to harass me with his endless questions and he got few friends with him with cameras. I tried to shake them off, walk away without saying a word, but the reporter just kept provoking, until I reached my limit. So I grabbed one of those cameras, smashed it against the ground, and finally I hit the reporter with full of my strengths. I think I broke both of his nose and his jaw.

Starfleet had a fit, of course, and after Admiral Anderson gave me his dreadful speech about how Starfleet captains behave in public, I was out of the headquarters as a free man. Admiral relieved me of duty for the next three months.

I'm actually pleased about this. The last thing I need right now is to be sent to space for months, and leave everything here. I just couldn't do it. As long as Kathryn is out there somewhere, I'm not willing to leave. At least Starfleet didn't force my hand on this, and I didn't have to resign myself. Because if it would have come to that, I would have resigned. There's no doubt about that.

October 30th, 2378

A message leaked to the media today, which caused some stir in the public. The message said:

"I took the admiral, she is with me. I'm not going to let you find her. She's the purest thing of the mankind left after the war. The war didn't touch her. She's all I've got, and I'm not letting go. So this message is not about making demands. I already got what I need."

Now everyone is looking for a person who has been victimized by the Dominion War. Good luck! There must be thousands of those kinds of persons in the quadrant. I'm still undecided what comes to that message. Something just feels off. At least I feel relieved to know that she is most likely alive. That's the way I would like to interpret that message. Of course every one of those words could be pieces of a lie. But I don't think so. Kathryn is alive. I just know she is. I just feel it.

November 2nd, 2378

I have tried to deny some thoughts emerging, but I think I've reached the point where denial is no longer an option. I just cannot shake off the thought that Kathryn is being violated. And that enrages me. I haven't felt like this for seven years now. I feel like I'm back to my old self, the Maquis soldier that I used to be. These emotions of rage and anger belong to that time of my life, but here I am and I am ready to kill again. Because that is what I'd do, if I knew for certain that Kathryn's been raped, beaten, or both. I would kill that son of a bitch in a blink of an eye, and without any regrets. And as horrible as it sounds, I would most likely even enjoy it.

November 6th, 2378

I tried to seek some peace of mind by going on a vision quest. It didn't go as I expected. I had some strange visions during the last quests, but this was the most vivid one.

It was like I had been travelled back in time few hundred years, and I was inside of one of those circus tents. I saw Kathryn there. She sat there, in the middle of the tent, alone. She looked so isolated, abandoned. Circus was about entertainment, but she was there alone. There was no audience. I called her, but she didn't turn her face towards me. She just stared to the ground and there was sorrow in her eyes, some tiredness too. I tried to step to her, but I couldn't approach her for some reason.

Then I heard a voice. It was a man's voice. I turned my head and I saw someone in the empty seats, hiding his face in the shadows. He clapped his hands together, as applauding to Kathryn, but it was not out of amusement or appreciation. It was an act of despise. Suddenly this man started to shout. He yelled something like "You think you are something worth seeing, Kathryn? You think you are better than rest of us? You are pathetic! Old, weak, obtuse! You are nothing! You hear me?! Nothing!"

I know that vision quest is not a proof of anything, but I am sure that Kathryn's disappearance is not political by its nature. The message that leaked to media has to be a deception. This matter is personal. And who ever is behind all of this knows that all eyes are on him now. He isn't safe. Sooner or later he makes a mistake, and once he does, I intend to be there.

November 9th, 2378

There are still no leads. I'm frustrated beyond comprehension. I want to do something, but I'm at a loss. I just hope she knows that I haven't forgotten her, that I'm not giving up. I just hope she's still the fighting spirit I know she is. And I hope that she knows that I love her. Because I do. And I would do anything to get her back. I would even die for her.

One of the worst things in all of this might be that now that she truly is gone, I have started to realize what I've lost. I hate when such a clichés are slapping you on the face.

November 10th, 2378

I saw a dream last night. It was about Kathryn. She lied against the greenest grass under an apple tree. Sky was blue and the birds were singing. I lay down next to her, and she put her arm on my chest. Then I heard her whisper "Hi honey" with the softest way. Suddenly she pressed her forehead against my cheek and said that she loved me. Her display of affection floored me. The happiness I felt was stronger than anything I have ever felt. I said that I loved her too, and that I loved her so much that just looking at her hurts me.

That dream felt so real and I was unhappy to wake up. Just thinking about it, and thinking about her, feels like something beneath my chest is indeed hurting.

November 17th, 2378

I realized today that she's been gone over two months already and all of my efforts to find her have been futile. Where are you Kathryn?

November 20th, 2378

Unexpected thing happened to me today. Mark Johnson, Kathryn's former fiancé, contacted me and we met in San Francisco. We took a walk in a park, and we talked. A lot. He seems to be a good fellow, nice man, and he is worried. He wanted to know if I knew anything about how the searches were progressing. I told that I haven't gotten any word FROM police, but both Tuvok and Tom were keeping me posted about Starfleet's efforts. I had to tell him that I didn't expect much to happen. There wasn't really anything new, no clues or leads.

Then he suddenly asked if I was convinced about the political theory that had become somewhat "official explanation" of her disappearance. I told him truthfully that I had my doubts about it, that I had a feeling that this might be more personal matter after all. I was surprised when he said that he agreed with me. But who could have taken her? Both he and I were out of ideas. Mark did, however, promise to give this some more thought. He said he would review his collection of old holo-images, just to dredge up some old acquaintances who could be involved with this. It was far fetched effort, since Kathryn has always been very likable person and there wasn't really anyone who could hold a grudge against her. Therefore he was, however, very doubtful that anyone he knew could do this. But it was something. At this point I am ready to investigate any kind of leads, no matter what. I have become so suspicious about anyone that I'm starting to see enemies where is none. I even suspected Mark's motives to meet me. But I sense he's the honest one, and he can be trusted. So once I got back to my apartment, I contacted Phoebe and asked her to do the same. She said yes.

November 21st, 2378

My vision quest today was most intriguing. I saw my father by a creek, and sat next to him. "You are troubled", he said. I told him about a friend that is lost, and my frustration at not finding her. "The answer of finding her is right here son", he told me. "Where?", I asked. Suddenly I found myself in familiar surroundings. I was back on New Earth, in our shelter. I smelt something burning. "She has already told you what you need to know", father said. I turned to him, but he was already gone. Then the visions stopped.

I remember that night. I still do. Kathryn had volunteered to cook, even though she hated to whole thing. But I guess she had a little guilty conscience for keeping me as a head chef of the planet, and she wanted to do her part. It hadn't gone that well, and she burned the stew. During that night we had talked a lot about our lives before Delta Quadrant. But what had she told me?

November 22nd, 2378

I transported myself to Indianapolis today. That is where Phoebe Janeway has her art gallery. She was surprised to see me, but pleased. At least until I told her that I haven't heard a word from Kathryn. But I had to see her, because once I woke up this morning, I just happened to remember some of the conversations Kathryn and I had had on the New Earth. I tried to contact Mark, but he was out of reach.

It was an old boyfriend. I couldn't remember his name, though, and I was hoping Phoebe might. Phoebe was uncertain since she was four years younger than Kathryn. They hadn't had same circle of friends until they were grown ups. Then she had been with Justin, who was now obviously beyond suspicions, and then there had been Mark. At least these two men were the ones she was aware of.

November 24th, 2378

I think I'm on to something, and not just because I want badly to succeed, but because I have this extremely strong hunch about this. I chased down this man called Cheb Packer, which was, according to Phoebe, Kathryn's boyfriend back in the day. Apparently the relationship went sour just before Kathryn started at the Academy. He wasn't accepted, but Kathryn was. Kathryn had told me that, I remember that now. So even though my hunch seemed to be far fetched, I decided to meet the guy, get some idea what was going on with him, how life had treated him after those years. What I found out was that Mr. Packer lived in Evanston, Illinois. He worked in the field of local politics, and was not married. Perhaps his single status was a minor disadvantage for him, since middle-aged married men commonly appeared more trustworthy than unmarried ones.

I met Packer in his office, and for the first moment that I saw him, I sensed that he was tensed up. He shook my hand, was very polite, but he knew my face, and he instantly connected me to Kathryn. He regretted what had happened to "Admiral", as he called her, and was willing to help to find her if there was anything he could do. Our discussion was brief, but what stuck in my mind was that he didn't even once ask why I came to see him, nor did he at any point look me in the eye when he spoke about the "famous admiral".

November 26th, 2378

I've been following Mr. Packer for two days now. He seems to have his own routines that mainly include leaving home to the office and after eight hours, returning to home. This man doesn't really fit in the mental picture his assistant painted for me. According to him, Mr. Packer had vivid social life, and he was considered to be eligible bachelor. What I've seen so far doesn't fit to that definition. This man seems to live a life of a hermit rather than enjoying the benefits of being charming unmarried man.

I have difficult time to control my feelings. I'm tired and the deep-rooted anger has become my constant companion. I should keep a cool head now. Nothing is gained if this man is taken into custody and he refuses to tell where Kathryn is. If he even knows it at all.

He does. I don't know why, but I'm convinced that he does.

November 28th, 2378

Tuvok, Tom, and Harry took over my surveillance so I could sleep. I'm glad that they did, since being awake over three days straight took its toll. My mind wasn't clear, I was unfocused, irritable, and I wasn't accomplishing much. I'm not sure how seriously they took my "bad feelings" about this Packer guy, but I guess that doesn't really matter now. Just knowing that someone is doing at least something for this situation makes me feel a bit better. But not much. I'm concerned because I have started to forget the little details about Kathryn, and that just reminds me how long she's been gone. I don't want to forget anything about her, not even the smallest things. But I am forgetting. Each passing day she seems to be more distant to me, and instead of real person I have started to feel like she's more of imaginary thing created by my own mind.

November 30th, 2378

Tom reported to me today. He said that Starfleet's tricorders did not detect any other life signs in Packer's house other than his own and his dogs. So Kathryn is not there. Well, I didn't expect him to be that careless anyway. But he hasn't been anywhere else either, if not counting few social occasions during the week. Of course it is difficult to track him all the time. He could use side-to-side transport FROM his office without us even knowing about it. However, tricorders haven't pick any transporter activity either.

So I'm starting to doubt my hunches after all. I'm not giving up just yet, but I'm not far from it anymore.

December 2nd, 2378

Phoebe called me today. She told that her mother had gotten ill. FROM the grief, she said. That would be understandable. I got the feeling that she expected me to do something about this, even though she didn't say a word. Hell, I am expecting to do something about this, but I don't know what.

We need you back, Kathryn. I need you back. Public opinion seems to be that you are already dead by now. I disagree. No… I want to disagree. But I'm losing faith.

December 6th, 2378

I had Harry helping me today (Tuvok had his classes at the Academy, and Tom has a family), and I sent him to follow Packer to his office. He left home at 07:45 sharp, and stayed away. I stayed outside of this house, because I really didn't know what else to do.

And the miracle happened. I'm still puzzled, having a hard time to believe this, but it's true. Just before the noon I heard a class breaking. It took only few seconds to realize that it came FROM Packer's house. And then I saw movement. I instantly started running towards the house, and the closer I got, the more sure I was what I was seeing. It was Kathryn crawling out of the narrow basement window. The pieces of the broken window were cutting her skin and she was bleeding, but she was coming out. She had been there all along, and she finally found a way out.

Once she saw me running towards her, she just let go. She was tearing, but smiling. She was in relatively good condition, physically, but her eyes told me a different story. Once I took her in my arms, I felt huge wave of relief swept over me. I have never felt so happy in my life. Never. It was like I had been given the best part of me back.

She's in a hospital now. She wasn't too happy to stay there, she protested agaist such a decision, but she's going to stay. Media is waiting outside of the building. It took about five minutes for them to find out that she has been found. But media is also outside of the certain police department. Cheb Packer is in the custody, which is his salvation. I want to kill him. I want kill him more than I have ever wanted to kill any Cardassian in my life. That sorry son of a bitch had created his home-made dampening field around the room where Kathryn was held. The media is still speculating his motive on this, but I know it. He just wasn't able to face the fact that he never got to do anything remarkable in his life. He was an average guy after all, who ascended to mediocre position in his own field. In his own mind he was a star, above everyone else, the one to be looked up to. But he wasn't. And Kathryn with all of her accomplishments, were in his mind one to blame. Madman...

I think I should to go back to the hospital. I don't want to be apart from her anymore. And I want at least one more of those little kisses she gave me earlier. They were like raindrops falling on the dry desert.