What I Should Have Said
By: Hardyzschic
"Fine! I've had it. Go on and Go! Just don't expect me to watch. Don't expect me to cheer you on like I've done in the past. I just can't take it anymore. I can't honestly sit there and watch you go through that again." There I had said it. I placed my hands on my hips with a determined stance and a glare cast his way. I could finally let out the breath I had no idea I had been holding. What I had just said had been building up in me a long time and in a moment of anger it finally spilled out into the open. I got so tired of sitting there night after night as he willingly went out there so that he could get the hell beat out of him just to entertain a bunch of people who don't care that he can barely walk by the time he gets home. They don't care that I have to sit up and rub his shoulders at three o' clock in the morning because he landed wrong on what was supposed to be an easy bump. I'm so tired of seeing the man I love live on painkillers and coffee. Every match he has I can feel him slipping away from me more and more. So finally I did it. It was out there in the open, the way that I felt was out in plain view for him to see. I had exposed my soul. I admit my timing could have been better but seeing him standing there with his beat up old bag slung over his shoulder, one foot headed out the door ready to go on another road trip, ready to put his health on the line again, I just couldn't take it anymore so I asked him not to go. I asked him just this once to stay home with me so I didn't have to worry as to whether or not he was coming home in one piece again. Of course my suggestion stopped him cold in his tracks and he had retaliated by saying "Kelsey you know I cant this time, it's a pay per view. Why don't you come out with me? You haven't come on the road with us in awhile. You could stay back stage and hang around with Adam and Jay and Amy and Shane. Shannon's even going to come to this one too since we are so close to home." "You just don't get it do you? Are you listening to what you're suggesting?" I said as my anger continued to grow. "Kelsey I was just trying to say that if you came out on the road with me this trip we could spend some extra time together. You know.stop and see the sights like we used to when we first started dating." He came over to me then and tried to hug me, but I wouldn't budge. I tried to contain the emotion in my voice as I said "Don't you understand that the suggestion you just made is the last thing on this Earth I want to do." That didn't come out right! I started to take it back but he had already picked up on it. "I see now, for someone who is begging me to stay home so we can spend some time together.its now the last thing you want to do? Kelsey sometimes I just don't understand you. You don't mind living here in this house that's been bought and paid for by money I made wrestling. Don't I take good enough care of you.I mean you never want for too much do you?" he said, his voice filled with tension. "That's not what I meant at all" I replied, " I don't need fancy things! I like living comfortably, don't get me wrong. But honey I wouldn't care if you were a pig farmer in the desert! I want to spend time with you.just away from that ring, away from the fans. I want to be with you and only you. I want you to be healthy and not have to rely on painkillers to keep you going. I don't want to have to worry about you anymore. I'm tired of it, I just don't know how much more I can take." Anger was rising in me then, mixing with fear and worry and slowly turning into a fire that couldn't be quenched and that's when I had had my little outburst. I felt better for saying it, but at the same time I wished I could swallow up every foul word I had just hurled at the man I love. I hated fighting with him, and we hardly ever did, except when it came to wrestling. Wrestling was just one subject we would never agree on. Believe it or not I used to love the sport. That was before I started dating him though, and the veil of secrecy was lifted and I could see what being a wrestler really meant. "Kel, hun you don't you understand.. me and my brother are just " he started to say as he tried to pull me close for a hug again but I shook his arm off and cut him off by saying "I know I know..you two are living your dream. I understand that.trust me I really do. But don't you understand by living your dream, you could possibly shatter some of mine?" The look in his eyes told me he knew what I meant and he just wasn't going to consider the fact that he was mortal. I knew that even if he had to appear immortal to the fans, he was just a regular mortal man. He however was beginning to buy into his own gimmick so much he could no longer see where wrestling ended and he began. He started to say something again and I put my hand up to stop him "Just go now, before you and I both say more things that we are going to regret. I mean it this time. Just go." Without another word, he turned around, with a decided slump to his shoulders, that I knew had more to do with what I just said than the weight of the bag he was carrying, and he left. I stood there for a moment, suppressing the urge to run crying after him or throw myself prone in front of his car to prevent him from going, but I knew if I did that, he would just get out of the car, walk around me; and come inside and call a cab. He had made his choice and it wasn't me. Deep inside I knew he loved me, as much as he could. I also knew that I never held first place in his heart, and I never would. Wrestling would always hold that special place, and there was nothing I could do to change that. When I heard the screen door slam, and the car crank up I turned around and went back into the living room and curled up on the couch. Clutching a pillow close to my chest I finally shed the tears I had refused to let him see. My body shook with sobs for a while and then subsided slowly as I gave in and finally cried myself to sleep. The insistent ringing of the telephone jarred me out of sleep a while later. I woke up disoriented for a minute. Not sure exactly how long I had been asleep. Looking over at the clock I was amazed to realize that I had been out of it for about five hours. I was sure it was him calling. He had already had his match and he was just calling to let me know that everything turned out ok and to apologize for our disagreement. He always did that, and he never failed to sound sincere when he promised to change a few things and to spend more time with me and think about taking it slower and easier. I picked up the phone and said, "Hi sweetheart, did you win?" I was met by the shaky voice of his brother on the other end of the line "Kelsey, hey this is Jeff not Matt" Oh God! I thought here it goes, he's been hurt again and then I said in my just another injury to get through voice. "What happened Jeff? How many stitches did it take this time? Or did he bust up his ribs again? Please tell me it's not his face again." I could hear Jeff gasp in response and my heart automatically sank to my feet "God, Kelsey you didn't watch the show tonight did you?" "No Jeff I didn't. Matt and I had a fight before he left and I was upset so I ended up taking a nap. Will you please cut to the chase though? Just let me talk to Matt myself, he is able to talk isn't he?" I said with a sudden fear that maybe he had gotten more seriously hurt this time than ever before. All of a sudden I heard Jeff hand the phone to someone else, someone I assumed to be Matt. "Matt honey is that you? What happened this time baby?" I said grasping the receiver with a growing nervousness. "No Kelsey this is Amy, and I think you better sit down" Amy said on the other end of the line and that's when I heard Jeff's sobs coming from the background and I knew. I knew before she even told me that this was the moment the I had feared since I started dating Matt. This is the moment when his first love claimed him as her prisoner, and took him away from me forever. Matt was dead..no wait he couldn't be, not Matt. I had let him walk out of here without even telling him I loved him. I had been hurt, but I had hurt him in return. I had been mean and selfish...NO NO NO that can't be it. That can't have been the last time I would ever see the man I love. "Amy what's going on? Where's Matt? I want to talk to Matt! Put him on the phone NOW!" I screamed in panic. "Kelsey I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a spot went got botched tonight. Matt was supposed to land the moonsault on Jason who was positioned on the table. He twisted too soon in the move and the table wasn't scored well enough and well I guess I might as well say it " she said and I could hear her choking back tears of her own as she continued "Matt's dead.. Kelsey he broke his neck. The paramedics did everything they could to save him on the way to the hospital but..he's gone." God NO! Please NO! Not Matt! My head started spinning and I couldn't have hated myself more in that one moment. I had spent the last moment I had with the man I love being mad at him. Tears were streaming down my face now as I let the receiver fall from my hand and hit the floor. I slid from the couch and landed on my knees in front of it screaming. I could hear the word "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" echoing through the empty house, and then the noise was overtaken with silence, that dreaded silence that only death brings.
"Fine! I've had it. Go on and Go! Just don't expect me to watch. Don't expect me to cheer you on like I've done in the past. I just can't take it anymore. I can't honestly sit there and watch you go through that again." There I had said it. I placed my hands on my hips with a determined stance and a glare cast his way. I could finally let out the breath I had no idea I had been holding. What I had just said had been building up in me a long time and in a moment of anger it finally spilled out into the open. I got so tired of sitting there night after night as he willingly went out there so that he could get the hell beat out of him just to entertain a bunch of people who don't care that he can barely walk by the time he gets home. They don't care that I have to sit up and rub his shoulders at three o' clock in the morning because he landed wrong on what was supposed to be an easy bump. I'm so tired of seeing the man I love live on painkillers and coffee. Every match he has I can feel him slipping away from me more and more. So finally I did it. It was out there in the open, the way that I felt was out in plain view for him to see. I had exposed my soul. I admit my timing could have been better but seeing him standing there with his beat up old bag slung over his shoulder, one foot headed out the door ready to go on another road trip, ready to put his health on the line again, I just couldn't take it anymore so I asked him not to go. I asked him just this once to stay home with me so I didn't have to worry as to whether or not he was coming home in one piece again. Of course my suggestion stopped him cold in his tracks and he had retaliated by saying "Kelsey you know I cant this time, it's a pay per view. Why don't you come out with me? You haven't come on the road with us in awhile. You could stay back stage and hang around with Adam and Jay and Amy and Shane. Shannon's even going to come to this one too since we are so close to home." "You just don't get it do you? Are you listening to what you're suggesting?" I said as my anger continued to grow. "Kelsey I was just trying to say that if you came out on the road with me this trip we could spend some extra time together. You know.stop and see the sights like we used to when we first started dating." He came over to me then and tried to hug me, but I wouldn't budge. I tried to contain the emotion in my voice as I said "Don't you understand that the suggestion you just made is the last thing on this Earth I want to do." That didn't come out right! I started to take it back but he had already picked up on it. "I see now, for someone who is begging me to stay home so we can spend some time together.its now the last thing you want to do? Kelsey sometimes I just don't understand you. You don't mind living here in this house that's been bought and paid for by money I made wrestling. Don't I take good enough care of you.I mean you never want for too much do you?" he said, his voice filled with tension. "That's not what I meant at all" I replied, " I don't need fancy things! I like living comfortably, don't get me wrong. But honey I wouldn't care if you were a pig farmer in the desert! I want to spend time with you.just away from that ring, away from the fans. I want to be with you and only you. I want you to be healthy and not have to rely on painkillers to keep you going. I don't want to have to worry about you anymore. I'm tired of it, I just don't know how much more I can take." Anger was rising in me then, mixing with fear and worry and slowly turning into a fire that couldn't be quenched and that's when I had had my little outburst. I felt better for saying it, but at the same time I wished I could swallow up every foul word I had just hurled at the man I love. I hated fighting with him, and we hardly ever did, except when it came to wrestling. Wrestling was just one subject we would never agree on. Believe it or not I used to love the sport. That was before I started dating him though, and the veil of secrecy was lifted and I could see what being a wrestler really meant. "Kel, hun you don't you understand.. me and my brother are just " he started to say as he tried to pull me close for a hug again but I shook his arm off and cut him off by saying "I know I know..you two are living your dream. I understand that.trust me I really do. But don't you understand by living your dream, you could possibly shatter some of mine?" The look in his eyes told me he knew what I meant and he just wasn't going to consider the fact that he was mortal. I knew that even if he had to appear immortal to the fans, he was just a regular mortal man. He however was beginning to buy into his own gimmick so much he could no longer see where wrestling ended and he began. He started to say something again and I put my hand up to stop him "Just go now, before you and I both say more things that we are going to regret. I mean it this time. Just go." Without another word, he turned around, with a decided slump to his shoulders, that I knew had more to do with what I just said than the weight of the bag he was carrying, and he left. I stood there for a moment, suppressing the urge to run crying after him or throw myself prone in front of his car to prevent him from going, but I knew if I did that, he would just get out of the car, walk around me; and come inside and call a cab. He had made his choice and it wasn't me. Deep inside I knew he loved me, as much as he could. I also knew that I never held first place in his heart, and I never would. Wrestling would always hold that special place, and there was nothing I could do to change that. When I heard the screen door slam, and the car crank up I turned around and went back into the living room and curled up on the couch. Clutching a pillow close to my chest I finally shed the tears I had refused to let him see. My body shook with sobs for a while and then subsided slowly as I gave in and finally cried myself to sleep. The insistent ringing of the telephone jarred me out of sleep a while later. I woke up disoriented for a minute. Not sure exactly how long I had been asleep. Looking over at the clock I was amazed to realize that I had been out of it for about five hours. I was sure it was him calling. He had already had his match and he was just calling to let me know that everything turned out ok and to apologize for our disagreement. He always did that, and he never failed to sound sincere when he promised to change a few things and to spend more time with me and think about taking it slower and easier. I picked up the phone and said, "Hi sweetheart, did you win?" I was met by the shaky voice of his brother on the other end of the line "Kelsey, hey this is Jeff not Matt" Oh God! I thought here it goes, he's been hurt again and then I said in my just another injury to get through voice. "What happened Jeff? How many stitches did it take this time? Or did he bust up his ribs again? Please tell me it's not his face again." I could hear Jeff gasp in response and my heart automatically sank to my feet "God, Kelsey you didn't watch the show tonight did you?" "No Jeff I didn't. Matt and I had a fight before he left and I was upset so I ended up taking a nap. Will you please cut to the chase though? Just let me talk to Matt myself, he is able to talk isn't he?" I said with a sudden fear that maybe he had gotten more seriously hurt this time than ever before. All of a sudden I heard Jeff hand the phone to someone else, someone I assumed to be Matt. "Matt honey is that you? What happened this time baby?" I said grasping the receiver with a growing nervousness. "No Kelsey this is Amy, and I think you better sit down" Amy said on the other end of the line and that's when I heard Jeff's sobs coming from the background and I knew. I knew before she even told me that this was the moment the I had feared since I started dating Matt. This is the moment when his first love claimed him as her prisoner, and took him away from me forever. Matt was dead..no wait he couldn't be, not Matt. I had let him walk out of here without even telling him I loved him. I had been hurt, but I had hurt him in return. I had been mean and selfish...NO NO NO that can't be it. That can't have been the last time I would ever see the man I love. "Amy what's going on? Where's Matt? I want to talk to Matt! Put him on the phone NOW!" I screamed in panic. "Kelsey I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a spot went got botched tonight. Matt was supposed to land the moonsault on Jason who was positioned on the table. He twisted too soon in the move and the table wasn't scored well enough and well I guess I might as well say it " she said and I could hear her choking back tears of her own as she continued "Matt's dead.. Kelsey he broke his neck. The paramedics did everything they could to save him on the way to the hospital but..he's gone." God NO! Please NO! Not Matt! My head started spinning and I couldn't have hated myself more in that one moment. I had spent the last moment I had with the man I love being mad at him. Tears were streaming down my face now as I let the receiver fall from my hand and hit the floor. I slid from the couch and landed on my knees in front of it screaming. I could hear the word "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" echoing through the empty house, and then the noise was overtaken with silence, that dreaded silence that only death brings.