Mirene: I'm in the mood for a random, weird fic.
Amu: You're always crazy, Mirene.
Ikuto: And you should be working on your oneshot in progress!
Mirene: But I'm lazy!
Amu: Because you're crazy.
Mirene: BECAUSE I DON'T OWN YOU!
Amu: Still crazy.
Of All the Men in the World
"Amu, of all the men in the world, why did you pick me?" Ikuto asked her slyly, twisting a strand of her bubblegum pink hair in his fingers, placing it at his lips. Such a corny move.
"Why such a random question?" Amu asked. They were currently sitting in a swan-shaped paddle boat in the middle of a large lake they had suddenly been stuck in. The pedals had become stuck and wouldn't budge no matter how much they tried to pedal. They had no lifeboats, no paddles, and the both of them did not know how to swim. Or float.
"Because I'm bored and I want to hear you call me sexy, sexy."
"Idiot. Answer your own damn question," Amu said, flustered.
"Oh? Is my little strawberry embarrassed? Speechless?" Ikuto teased, letting go of her hair and smirking, leaning on the seat.
"Fuck you." Amu turned away. "Damn, how are we still stuck here? Don't those idiot staff members keep track of the boats and the time limit?"
"We've only been here for an hour, naive little kitten. We still have an extra hour."
"Oh, how perfect," Amu rolled her eyes before slumping grumpily on her seat. She had only agreed to go on the paddle boat - which she did slightly enjoy for the short while they had actually been paddle boating - because Ikuto had somehow persuaded her with his handsome - ahem - average looks.
Oh, who was she kidding? He was sexy. Just a bit conceited.
"Come on, sugar. Of all the men in the world - out of, let's see, Tadase, Kukai, Nagihiko, Kairi, Nikaidou, Gozen, Kazuomi, Tsumugu, and let's even throw in Aruto - why me?" Ikuto smirked.
"Damn you."
"Come on - just a little confession session. And then I'll let you ask me a question at the end. And I'll answer it truthfully."
"Fine - just out of those people though." Amu sighed and sat up straight, pushing her bangs aside and tucking them behind her ear. "Okay. Let's start now - just give me a random name and I'll explain why you, apparently, are better than them."
"Okay... Tadase!"
"Tadase is feminine. He makes me as a girl look bad- I mean, look at the way he sips his tea! I look like I'm eating the cup when I sip tea. I'd probably be the man in the relationship anyways - don't even think of me as a guy right now."
"I'd still date you," Ikuto shrugged.
"And... I guess you're more manly than him, you make me look good-"
"You mean I look pretty hot next to you-"
"Shut up. And yeah, next person," Amu sighed.
"Kukai," Ikuto replied.
"Kukai is too outgoing; he's always playing sports and getting sweaty - playing sports is hot, but sweaty... I mean come on, after every game he looks like he jumped into a lake and semi-dried. Not to mention the sweat smells. He's also a tad slow. Or maybe dense is the better word. No, never mind, slow is the right word." Amu stared at Ikuto. "You do play sports pretty well, and you do sweat a lot when doing so, but you somehow manage to still smell kind of good... or at least normal."
'Thank you, Axe,' Ikuto thought in his mind as he continued to grin, his smile becoming wider and wider with each of Amu's compliments.
"You're a lot more smarter and cunning than him too, so there you go. Kukai is a no no. Besides, he's Utau's property," Amu reminded the blue haired man.
"Okay, Nagihiko now."
"First of all - I still look at him like he is Nadeshiko is dressed as a man. I would never go out with him," Amu began absently playing with her hair.
"Because he's a crossdresser. Baby, I am never going to tell you my personal hobbies ever. Never, ever. You'd hate me too," Ikuto said, a grin on his face. "Fine I'll just tell you. I usually mast-"
"Shut up!" Amu yelled. "Don't want to hear!"
"I was going to say master the art of Martial Arts..." Ikuto said with a sly smirk.
"Fuck you! Besides, it's a no because he's actually Nagihiko! Not Nadeshiko! I will always remember Nadeshiko, and looking at him just really reminds of her."
"But Rima knows Nadeshiko. And she's going out with him. Are you insinuating something, strawberry?"
"Shut up! This is why I don't talk about this kind of stuff!" Amu exclaimed, crossing her arms and pouting. "I quit."
"Aw, come on, I'm sorry. I promise I won't tell anybody." Ikuto said, holding her hand passionately. She pulled it away in disgust and sighed.
Ikuto laughed. "Okay, now... Kairi."
"Too smart. Too serious. Too... mature. He makes me look immature."
"So you're calling me immature? That's why you like me? Because I'm stupid too?"
"More than him," Amu admitted as she laughed.
"Terrible, terrible reasons, but I'll let it slide. Now... how about... Gozen."
"You mean Hikari?"
"Sure."
"He was what, maybe five when we last saw him? You have got to be kidding me. What do you take me for, a pedophile?"
"You never know. You never told me your deepest, darkest, most perverted and disgusting secrets... though I have read your diary. Say, you got your period at SUCH a young age!"
Amu, extremely pissed off, raised her hand to slap the rude man in front of her when suddenly something hit the side of their boat. They looked over to the side and saw that it was a fish, continuously ramming its head into the boat, causing the paint to chip off. The fish was followed by other fishes. And soon the boat was surrounded by fishes and paint flakes.
"Are they... eating it?" Amu asked.
"I doubt it's healthy for them," Ikuto said. "Anyways, back to the topic."
"And to me slapping you?"
"Okay, I apologize and will return your diary today. Now, how about... Nikaidou?"
"He is, first of all, totally old. Second, he's clumsy. Third, he's creepy when he's serious! I mean, come on, his serious faces in the manga and anime were just horrifying!"
"So that means I'm young, careful, and I look hot when I'm serious." Ikuto teased.
"Whatever."
"Next would be... Kazuomi."
"Can we just skip him?"
"No."
"Fine. He's ugly, old, creepy, disgusting, evil, vile, disgusting, creepy, old, and ugly. Did I mention ugly?"
"I don't think so," Ikuto said sarcastically.
"Oh, then, UGLY." Amu stared the the fish going crazy over the paint flakes like they were addicted or something. Maybe starved. "Must I do the comparison?"
"Nah. Okay, now, Tsumugu."
"HE'S. MY. DAD." Amu stated slowly for Ikuto to comprehend, which she wasn't sure he did.
"And I'm not?"
"Next."
"Fine, the last one is... Aruto."
"Your dad is sexier."
"WHAT?" Ikuto yelled, astonished. "EXCUSE ME?"
"Calm down, idiot. I was joking. Don't have a spasm over it." Amu looked at her watch and found that an hour had passed by, just in the nick of time. "It's been an hour. We can finally be rescued," she said with relief.
"Oh, really? Well, we better be going then." Ikuto began paddling the boat with relative ease and they were moving around the lake towards the shore. Amu stared at Ikuto in amazement and anger. What the fuck.
"What? WE WEREN'T STUCK?" Amu asked in surprise.
"You're too gullible. And besides," he pulled his phone out of his pocket. "We had a phone too."
"You said you didn't have a phone!" Amu complained angrily.
"And what, I'm not capable of lying?"
"Fuck you."
"You know, you have been cursing a lot lately. Who ever did anything to you-" Ikuto was suddenly cut off when the pedals jammed under his feet. He pushed his feet and the boat refused to move. "Shit. We're stuck for real now."
"Karma, bitch."
"Well, guess it's time for some more questions-"
This is the where the climax breaks out into the open. Ikuto and Amu were in the middle of a fight when suddenly, the fish returned to the boat - which had stopped moving - and continued to eat at the boat. Unfortunately, the boat was extremely cheap, so when they finished off a certain section of paint, there was no wood to cover the hole. Water spurted inside the swan paddle boat.
"FUCK THESE FISHES!" Amu screamed furiously.
"BESTIALITY!" Ikuto yelled as a joke. Amu's vein emerged from her forehead and she lunged for Ikuto. They both flipped over and dropped head first into the water. The fish, little finned wimps, quickly swam away in fear.
"Oh, you're funny. REAL FUNNY!" Amu screamed as the two began to desperately try to stay afloat, though they were quickly running out of energy. "Damn it, I hate you!" Amu yelled, frustrated beyond words.
"You're the reason why we're practically drowning!" Ikuto yelled back.
A loud horn interrupted their fight and a large circus like sailboat appeared. "Idiots," Rima muttered, throwing a lifesaver ring towards them. They quickly grabbed onto it and began to climb into Rima's personal boat. Hey, she is rich after all.
"So, did you get all that down? Even though my phone kind of died?" He threw his wet phone from his pocket onto the ground, cracking the screen. "At least I have an excuse to get a new one now."
"Get all of what down?" Amu asked suspiciously. Rima and Ikuto grinned. Then, all the men poured from the bottom of the boat, taking in the fresh air- even Aruto and Tsumugu. Utau and the other girls were also there. "OUR CONVERSATION...?"
"So, AMU," everyone said in unison; some were grinning, some frowning.
"You all heard? From Ikuto's phone?" she asked incredulously. There was no way this was happening to her.
Everyone nodded. Rima pulled out a small little pink book that read 'Amu's Diary' on the cover. "Don't worry, I wrote everything down in here for this memorable occasion. Even if you rip out the pages, I saved the conversation on my phone, laptop, USB, and iPod." She threw it at Amu, who caught it. Then, with fury evident in her eyes, she threw it overboard.
Amu's vein on her forehead popped.
"IKUTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Mirene: Haha, a lot of cursing from Amu in here, but oh well!
Ikuto: That was not so bad.
Amu: It was terrible.
Mirene: A random, killing time kind of fic, but I'd love a review! :D