Disclaimer: I don't own anything JKR created, sad but true, I know.
A/N: Wow, I had so much fun with this fic. It's a huge contrast to The Last Vestiges of Me, so it was a nice way to cheer myself up. I got the idea for this one when posed with the challenge to tell what Aberforth Dumbledore really did to that goat. Hope it's not too hard on your vocabulary…you might have to read some of the dialogue very slowly, but it's worth it. Trust me on this one. Have I ever steered y'all wrong in the past? Enough of my rambling…read on and enjoy!
-+-+-+-+-+-
Adventures on the Farm
"Whas tha'?" Aberforth Dumbledore asked the dodgy looking young wizard across the bar from him. "Don't think I've gots the gusts ter do it? Course I…mmm…duss," he stated in the way only one very inebriated man can, a hiccup following the end of his bold statement. Pushing his glasses, which were hanging precariously from the end of his very red nose, back to their original position, he pointed one extremely wobbly finger in the stranger's face. Squinting because he now saw three of the man at the end of his finger, he continued, "Sides, what'll yer gi' me…mmm…fer it?"
"Respect!" replied the stranger.
"Erspect!" Aberforth shot at him. "Wha' kindsa fools talks tha'? Yer an' yer twins brothers…mmm…has ter duss better'n tha'. Where'd they's comes from anywayses?" he asked, waving his hand at the three identical men circling around his vision.
The young wizard quickly looked around himself, shrugging it off as he saw nobody around, and grabbed Aberforth's rapidly waving hand. He'd been buying the barkeep drinks all night in order to nick all the bar's money later, but decided to have fun with the old wizard instead.
"Fine, how about I buy you another round of drinks if you do it?" the stranger asked, letting go of Aberforth's now stilled hand.
Clasping the young wizard's shoulder, Aberforth grinned at him. "Now tha's more likes its!" he replied, another hiccup following suit.
-+-+-+-+-+-
About twenty minutes later they were standing in the middle of a Muggle farm. Amazingly enough, Aberforth was able to stand on his own two feet without the help of the stranger.
"Tha's the…mmm…one!" Aberforth had chosen the goat he was going to perform the charms on. The small brown goat eyed the drunken old wizard warily.
"Now stands backs young'n. I needs ter haves some spaces," he said, pushing up the sleeves of his robes only to have them fall back down again. "Peskely thingses, won' stay puts," he said, continually pushing them back up his arms, just to have them fall back again. "Oh well…no matter anyhows," he said, finally giving up.
Shakily pointing his wand at the small goat, he said, "Engorgi…mmm…os!" Nothing happened. "Oh, cunfundle a Muggles," he spat. "I guess I's gots ter concentrates a lil harder, eh?"
The young wizard just watched, very amused.
Aiming his wand again, Aberforth said, "Engorgio!" The goat suddenly began to swell. Not understanding what was going on, the goat became skittish. It was too hard for the poor thing to move though, because its legs were now four times their original size.
Giggling to himself, he successfully cast the Hover, Imperturbable, and Locomoter Charms after several failed attempts at each.
Hovering in the air above the two wizards was one very bloated goat, floating in circles around their heads. Aberforth, turned to the young wizard, and said, "Told yer I hads the guts ter duss it! It'll takes days fer tha'…mmm…Muggle farmer ter gets it down. Wi' tha' Imperturberable Charm, his 'ands'll juss keep bouncin' off!" Staring at a very serious Aberforth, the stranger broke into hysterical fits of laughter. Aberforth joined him, doubling over, until he finally fell, his bottom connecting sharply with a rock stuck in the dirt.
As Aberforth tenderly rubbed his bruised bum, laughing manically at himself, the goat began to let out terrified screams, waking the farmer. The farmer came running out of his house, half-dressed, and promptly fainted on the spot, his knickers only half way up his legs. The Ministry was going to have one hell of a time covering this one up.