Is James….You Know?
By Kairi Taylor
Disclaimer: I don't own em' all. There, happy?
(A field somewhere. Kairi is holding a microphone.)
Kairi: Um, is this thing working or what…Oh, we're on!! Good day, folks, I'm Kairi & today, we'll look into the most important Pokemon question.
Angelo (O.S.): You mean how to get Mew? That's easy, all you do is…
Kairi: No, not that one. The 'other' one?
Angelo: Oh, right. (An image of James appears onscreen.)
Kairi: This is James of Team Rocket. Certainly not one of the brightest villains, but he's got something going for him. However, there are some factors of his personality that leave people scratching their heads. His effeminate nature. The roses. The frequent cross-dressing. Acting like a total p****.
Angelo: Kairi!
Kairi: What?
Angelo: You can't say that in a PG rated story!!
Kairi: Dude, you're serious? What about shit?
Angelo: Yeah, you can say that. But not f***, c***, c********* or mutha******!!
Kairi: Ok, so I can say something like asshole? But not "F*** off you c********** butt f****** ass raver?
Angelo: Totally!
Kairi: OK. Anyway, today's question: Is James gay? We asked several stars of the show to give us their input.
(Cut to Kairi & Jessie.)
Kairi: Here we are with James' fellow teammate, Jessie! So, Jess…
Jessie: Does my hair look all right?
Kairi: Yeah. Anyway, let's get this out of the way. What's your relationship with James?
Jessie: Oh that. Well we're the best criminal minds the world has ever seen. Despite the fact that we've been on the worst losing streak for the past 3 years. And the fact that that bitch Cassidy keeps sticking her nose in my business. I swear, she stole all my best ideas. Plus I looked so much sexier in the comic book, don't you agree?
Angelo: Don't answer that!!
Kairi: So, you have a good relationship with him?
Jessie: Of course, on the business level. Then again, he has shown no interest in me whatsoever, even in my most revealing swimwear. Then there's the constant whining. Plus when we're in disguise, he almost insists on wearing female clothes.
Kairi: Oh, so you think he's gay?
Jessie: Him?! No, he's not gay!! Not that there's anything wrong with it.
Kairi: A guy's sexual preference is his own choice!
Jessie: It has no effect on his work rate.
(Kairi talks to Meowth.)
Kairi: What about you?
Meowth: Gay. Totally gay. I mean Ian McKellan gay.
Kairi: Ian McKellan's gay?
Mewoth: Yeah. Don't you read People anymore?
Kairi: No, I read (cheap plug alert!) Animerica, the best anime magazine on the market!! With exclusive monthly manga!!
Mewoth: Well, why don't you read (Another cheap plug!) Pulp Magazine, a great read for mature anime fans
Angelo: Sellouts!
Kairi; I'd rather plug Viz than Marvel. Can't believe those morons cancelled Generation X!
Angelo: They WHAT?
Mewoth: He didn't know, eh?
Angelo: Where's Joe? I'm gonna massacre that—
Kairi: Ok dude, calm down. At least you don't have to worry about being through another god forsaken mutant saga.
Angelo: Yeah, you're right. Plus I'd rather work for (More Cheap Plugs!) Oni Press Comics, home to some of the best independent comics like Blue Monday, The Marquis & Barry Ween, Boy Genius!!
Meowth: This horse is now a red spot.
(Cut to Ash.)
Ash: James? Well, it would answer a few questions.
Kairi: Such as?
Ash: About 80% of the time, whenever Team Rocket is trying to catch Pikachu, he's dressed like a woman. Then there was the time in Saffron City where they were dressed as hula girls & kissed me on the cheek. I think he tried to slip me the tongue.
Kairi: That's more info than any of us ever wanted to know.
Ash: You're telling me. (Hands Kairi a paper.)
Kairi: What's this?
Ash: It's my therapy bill. Give that to James next time you see him.
Kairi: So, you think he's gay.
Ash: Totally. Especially after the "Swimsuit Incident".
(Cut to Angelo.)
Angelo: The "Swimsuit Incident" is part of an episode of Pokemon that was previously unseen in the U.S. television series. The episode took place on a tropical paradise & featured Ash & his friends in a beach contest. However, unknown to American kids, Team Rocket was involved in he contest in more ways than one.
(Cut to Kairi with Misty.)
Kairi: Ok, tell us what happened.
Misty: Gladly! I was onstage showing my swimsuit when that no good hussy Jessie came outta nowhere & upstaged me. I was so pissed off that I was about ready to rip her hair out by the roots! She just had to compare her chest to mine!
Kairi (thinking to himself): Thank you Kami-sama for making sure that Misty does not posses the temper & demonically strong powers of Lina Inverse)
Misty: Then outta nowhere that baka James comes out in a better swimsuit than both of ours! Half of the men in the audience had nosebleeds!! They didn't even know he was a man!!
Kairi: Ah, so you think he's gay?
Misty: Truly. Do you think I'm cuter than Jessie?
Kairi: Um…well…
Angelo: Don't answ—URK!! (Angelo's knocked out as Misty clubs him in the back of the head with her Psyduck.)
Psyduck: Psy!
Kairi: Geez…
Misty: Well? (Misty has fire in her eyes as she awaits her answer from Kairi.)
Kairi: If you were any cuter, I'd make you my wife. (Thinking to himself.) If anything, I know not to tick any anime girl off!
Misty: REALLY? She becomes starry eyed.)
Kairi: How do I end up in these situations?
(Cut to Angelo, who has a bandage on his head.)
Angelo: Well, why the stars of Pokemon had their opinions, it was up to me to see what stars of other anime series thought. Specifically, the G-Boys.
(Cut to Angelo talking to Heero.)
Angelo: Ok Heero, what's your take on this?
Heero: He's gay. I'm sure of it. If was any more of a homosexual, his name would be Duo.
Duo (O.S.): WHAT? That's it, Mr. 'Perfect Soldier'!! I ain't taking anymore of your crap anymore! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!
Heero: Bring it on, pinky.
(Duo clotheslines Heero to the ground. As he & Heero are actively trying to beat the stuffing outta one another, Angelo interviews Trowa.)
Angelo: So what about you?
Trowa: ….Nah.
Angelo: Good enough for me (Goes to Quatre, carefully stepping over Duo, who is at the moment strangling Heero with his braid.) What about you?
Quatre: Well, the behavior that he exhibits does hint at latent homosexuality. But maybe it's just a ruse. I mean, look at it this way, maybe he's just eccentric & likes to fool with people's minds. Why not ask Duo?
Angelo: He's a little preoccupied right now.
Duo: C'mon, say it!! My Gundam kicks more ass than yours!!
Heero: You…still…SUCK!!!
Duo: Baka-yarou!!! (Puts Heero in the Crippler Crossface. Angelo talks to Wufei.)
Angelo: Ok Wufei, your thoughts.
Wufei: Who cares whether or not that baka James acts like a weak onna!! You are part of an elite group of superheroes!! You should go out & seek JUSTICE!! As soon as I finish talking, I will go out & stop all of the injustice that pollutes this world & show all the weak onna how strong men are. (Relena, Dorothy & Sally appear behind Wufei.)
Relena: Wufei, this is it. We've had enough.
Wufei: What is this?
Sally: We've had enough of your testosterone driven drivel. We've come to teach you a lesson in anime law 101—the proper way of correcting a male chauvinist's ways. Dorothy?
Dorothy: WUFEI NO BAKA!!! (Pulls out a mallet & whacks him over the head.) This is far better than stabbing him with a sword.
Relena: I'll take you word for it. (Pulls out her own mallet. Sally does likewise.)
Ladies And Gentlemen, As Much As I'd Like To Describe Various Ways Of Pummeling That Baka Wufei, This Is A Story About A Pokemon Character, And A Particularly Fruity One At That, So Let's March On And Find Out Whether Or Not He's Gay.
Not That There's Anything
Wrong With It.
(Cut to Angelo
talking with Tenchi.)
Angelo: So, T-man
any thoughts?
Tenchi: He can't be
gay, I mean sure he's rather eccentric, but that doesn't mean his tastes run
that way. Now, if you wanna talk about gay, I think it's Kiyone. (Kiyone runs
on the scenes.)
Kiyone: WHAT?! I am
not a lesbian!!
Tenchi: Well, you
spend an unusual amount of time with Mihoshi.
Kiyone: That's
because we're Galaxy Police detectives!
Tenchi: You've had
many opportunities to leave her behind.
Kiyone: And I tried
my best to leave her!!
Tenchi: Then there
was that incident where you ate that weird pink jellybean & gave Mihoshi a
huge French kiss…
Kiyone: THAT wasn't
of my free will!! If anyone is gay, it's Ryoko & Ayeka!! (Ryoko & Ayeka
come out…no, that pun wasn't intended!!)
Ryoko: Now just wait
a second…
Ayeka: I HAVE NO
DESIRE OF ANY KIND TO BE WITH THIS DEVIANT CRIMINAL, SEXUAL OR OTHERWISE!!!
Ryoko: Where do you
get the idea that we would have THAT kind of a relationship. Graned, princess
here does have some lesbian tendencies…
Kiyone: Well, the
'Ryoko & Ayeka's Shrine of Love' website does show present some rather
convincing evidence. Well that & the incident in the 'Time & Space
Adventures Episoe II' where you two…
Ryoko: That was
different! It was Sasami's ideal world!
Ayeka: Why would
Sasami put us together as a couple?
Tenchi: Well, why
does the show name translate into 'Worhless Tenchi?'
Ryoko: You know
whose fault this is?
Ayeka: The show's
creators, that who.
Ryoko: I say we nail
those bastards!!
Ayeka: For once I
agree. (Ryoko, Ayeka & Kiyone storm off.)
Tenchi: This won't
go well
(Cut to Kairi talking to Yuffie.)
Kairi: I'm here with Final Fantasy 7 star—
Yuffie (Interrupting Kairi): Total kick ass ninja & soon to be bride of Kairi, Yuffie Kisaragi!
Kairi (blushing): YUFFIE!! (Andy Bogard appears onscreen.)
Andy: Now you have an idea of what I live through. (Mai bops him on the head.)
Mai: Never mind him. Go on with the interview. And yes, James is gay. (Drags Andy off by his hair.)
Kairi: (Sweatdrop on forehead.) :Ok…so what do you think about it?
Yuffie: Well, from how everyone describes him, as well as the whole rose thing, he's gay. But which James do you mean? The manga version of James doesn't show any of the traits that TV James has.
Kairi: You're right.
Yuffie: But forget him! We've got a whole afternoon all to ourselves!
Kairi: What?
Yuffie: First we're stopping by Tokyo Tower, followed by a dinner in Shibuya & I reserved a hotel room for us in that area---
Kairi: DID ANGELO PUT YOU UP TO THIS?
Angelo (snickering): She pays quite well. (Misty appears onscreen.)
Misty: Hold it, sister, the writer's coming with me! (Grabs Kairi's left arm.)
Yuffie: Sorry, but I had dibs on him! (Grabs Kairi's right arm.)
Misty: He called me cute!
Yuffie: I hang out with him more!
Misty: Ha! At least he paid me a compliment!
Yuffie: Who appears in more of his fanfics, you or me?
Misty: You're just trying to corrupt him!
Yuffie: Like hell, I snagged me a man, unlike you!
Misty: Forget Ash, at least I found a man who's not an annoying dope!
Yuffie: He's mine!
Kairi: Um girls, may I point out one tiny little detail?
Misty & Yuffie: What?
Kairi: I AM NOT TENCHI MASAKI!!!!! I DON'T NEED ANOTHER MIGRANE!!!!
????: Stop fighting, both of you!!
Kairi: Oh no. No no no no no.
Angelo: Who the heck is THAT? (Points to nearby tree where Pretty Sammy is standing.)
Pretty Sammy: Be friends both of you! Always smile just like me!
Kairi: Angelo, turn the camera off.
Misty: Did someone decide to write in a bad Sailor Moon parody?
Yuffie: Where have I seen this before? (Jessie walks in next to Misty.)
Jessie: What 're you fighting about?
Kairi (panics) : ANGELO, TURN THE CAMERA OFF NOW!!!
Angelo: Um why amigo? (Pretty Sammy readies her Friendship Arrow) What a second, isn't that—HOLY CRAP!!
Kairi: Turn off the fu-----(camera is turned off abruptly. When the camera is turned back on, Angelo is standing in the field, a tape in his hands.)
Angelo: So the question remains, is James gay? Perhaps we'll never know. But if you wanna see what happened off camera between Misty, Jessie & Yuffie, I'll send you a copy at the low price of—
Kairi: ARRGGHHHHH!!!!!! (Kairi runs onscreen & spears Angelo to the ground.)
Angelo: Back off man, I gotta make my commission somehow!!
Kairi: You hentai bastard!! I told you what I'd do to you if you sold that tape!!!
(Jessie, Yuffie & Misty all appear on screen.)
Jessie: Well, that was surreal.
Yuffie: Totally.
Misty: So, you wanna wrap this report up for them?
Yuffie: Eh, let's just leave it as it is.
Misty: Let's stop by my sisters & make crank calls to Brock.
Yuffie: Cool!
Jessie: Sounds good to me.
(The girls walk off while in the background, Kairi & Angelo are still fighting.)
END!!
Heero: Not quite. (Pulls out the stories self destruct switch, but is knocked out cold by Relena & her mallet.)
Heero: Relena….
Ash: Was that necessary?
Relena: Yes, now come. I'm trying out eveningwear 7 you can drool over me.
Ash: Yes ma'am. (Relena & Ash walk off while Duo & James walk in & carry off Heero.)
James: Can you believe how everyone though I was gay?
Duo: Yeah, weird. How long are you gonna keep on messing with their heads?
James: Until it gets dull. Now if you wanna talk gay, you should see my boss Giovanni. Talk about in the closet! Not that there's anything wrong with it…