A/N: I've had this story formulating in my mind since season one. The idea came with episode 1X15 Alexandra and 1X16 Echoes. This fic was not beta'd. This is my very first fiction, so please be gentle. Enjoy! :)
The rain poured against the tinted windows of the SUV. The brunette leaned forward sighing as she checked her watch. Alexandra had been waiting for over an hour for him to show. He was late and she was growing irritated. She slammed the door, walking briskly toward the club entrance.
"Jackson better be inside," Alex fumed, swinging open the door.
The throngs packed the small dingy club. The assassin surveyed her surroundings before she shoved her hands into her jacket pockets and walked into the swarm. The music thumped in her ears as she elbowed her way through the dance floor and past the bar. He didn't do business inside the club, but she was tired of waiting. She had leads to follow and calls to return.
As Alex entered the hall she thought of all of the times she went chasing a bag. Her entire life revolved around the ritual. Like Vlad, It owned her for years even after she escaped him. But, Alexandra was different now. She could control the cravings.
Alex stepped into the dimly lit room from the hallway. It was after midnight and Jackson's office was empty. The familiarity of the scene reminded her of the past. She had been here before. This wasn't full circle though, and this sure as hell wasn't rock bottom 2.0. Alex wasn't certain just how she got back to buying junk like this, but she was sure that she needed a better connection for future ease. After all, she was Alexandra Udinov not some scared little junkie anymore. She could taste the forbidden pleasures, but she didn't need to walk in places like this to have them. Money was no longer an issue; the only issue was Division and Nikita. She was sure that no one would understand that she needed this right now. No one would understand that she had full control over the needle. That she knew when to stop herself from going over the edge and back into full blown addiction.
"Don't you knock," The short greasy haired man glared up at her from the entry way as he walked into the room.
''If you didn't want me to come to your office you should have been on time."
"Take it easy baby. I got what you need."
Alex tossed the hundred on the desk and snatched the baggie from Jackson's stubby little fingers.
"Don't call me baby," She glared, turning for the door.
Alexandra had been at the mercy of her dealers' before. She wouldn't be again.
"You're welcome, bitch."
"What did you call me," she gritted, stopping dead in her tracks.
The assassin's Glock slid under the drug dealer's chin before he could reply. She glared at him as the gun inched toward his lips.
"What did you call me, asshole?"
The day to day torture of Ronnie and his friends played in her head. Alex thought back on every time he hit her and used her just because he could. The feeling of powerlessness she felt and the complete lack of control that was forced upon her for years created in Alex the need to always keep the upper hand.
"I could make you disappear."
"I-I'm sorry. Take it easy, girl."
"You have no idea who I am," Alex smirked, shoving the gun passed his lips and into his mouth. Her mind slipped between her past and present. Alex felt a venomous rage rising, and the black out that always accompanies the flashbacks.
"Do you wanna gag on this, fucker?"
Time stood still as she glared into him considering her options. She could blow his brains all over the walls of his grungy little office and send for Roan to clean him. Alex reminded herself that she was the one in control. She had the power and he was just the worthless fat fuck with her Glock in his mouth. Alex took in a deep breath and exhaled. She tried to center herself, but the rage inside only grew. He was every man that ever hurt her in an instant. Everything Nikita taught her about balance and righting wrongs was suddenly a million miles away from her as she thumbed the hammer back.
"P-please, don't," he begged, gagging on the barrel of her Division issued weapon.
Seconds passed as Alex stood staring through him. The past and the present blurred into a nightmare unfolding inside the young agent. Jackson trembled as the assassin violently pushed the barrel as far into his mouth as she could. Alex recalled the nights Nikita held her when she woke up screaming. She remembered the flashbacks that Nikita taught her how to center and pull back away from when the panic struck. Alex sighed; tears pooling in her haunted blue eyes. She forced herself back into the present moment.
"You watch your fucking mouth little man," she whispered, inches from his face.
She took a deep ragged breath; pulled the weapon from his mouth, and pushed the hammer forward with her thumb.
"You're fucking crazy - ya know that," he muttered.
They never know when to shut up. The butt of the gun connected with his jaw before he could speak another word.
"Maybe next time you'll learn some manners," she scolded, snapping a kick to his face.
The blacked out SUV made it easy to get high without anyone noticing.
"I'm free to do whatever I want... whenever I want and to hell with Nikita," Alex mumbled, staring at the syringe.
Alexandra couldn't lie to herself. She missed the ritual of getting high. The spoon, the flame, even the smell became her life. The anticipation of bliss was almost as good as the act itself. Almost.
I just need a little bit and I'll be ready to finish this mission.
Alex rationalized her addictive nature with the pain still lingering in her thigh where Nikita had shot her. The real pain of her fall out with Nikita was not something she was ready to face. Nikita had killed her father and kept it from her. She had to pay for it all.
"Amanda was right about everything." Alex whispered to herself, loosening the belt from her arm.
"I don't need Nikita. I don't need anyone," she frowned.
The brunette slipped back into the seat, a stray tear falling down her cheek betraying her cool exterior. She felt the bliss that only came with the sting of the needle. She didn't care about the consequences. She knew the expectations that Amanda held. She knew that she had to find Nikita and the black box in order to get the resources she needed to take her revenge. But for the moment, an escape from the pain is what Alex desired most.
"Love is a weakness," Alex slurred, beginning to nod. "Nikita," she muttered, her voice distorting around the word.
"Nikita... is my weakness."
The rush caught her like a tidal wave pulling her under. All of her chaotic thoughts, like her misery, evaporated with the chemical relief rushing through her veins. Alex began to float away into a quiet blissful place inside her mind. Somewhere between reality and wonderland, the tension melted away. She looked up as she heard the passenger door close shut.
"Amanda?"
"Alex, relapse is not an option."
"It was j-just this one time," she stuttered, pushing herself up on her elbows.
"That is not acceptable for you." Amanda's stern gaze threatened her happy drug induced fantasy. The older woman's cold and calculating eyes didn't match her monotone voice.
"Why do you care?"
"Alexandra Udinov is not a junkie. She is the potential I showed you."
"Funny, Alexandra Udinov has always felt like someone else...like a cover."
"Oh, but she is you, Alex. We have so much work to do...after tonight you will become your full potential."
Nikita sat on the white sandy beach listening to the motion of the tide. The waves that normally lulled her failed miserably. She ran her fingers through her wind blown hair. The battle in her mind for once didn't involve Percy and Division. It was all about Alex and their last encounter. She replayed the events behind the club over and over in her mind ad nauseum.
Although Nikita had regretted shooting Alex that fateful night; she knew that she had to do something to slow the girl down and get her to think about her actions. But, Alex just couldn't see that her lover was trying to help her. That first and foremost, she needed to be her mentor. She could only see that Nikita had killed her father, kept that truth hidden and ultimately betrayed her. The thought left Nikita brushing at tear stained eyes.
I'm sorry, Alex.
Nikita realized that Alex had given her every ounce of trust and control. But, like everyone else in Nikita's life; she kept the Russian girl at a comfortable distance. I should have trusted you completely.
"I was too hard on her, Micheal. Now she is out there alone."
"Did you forget that she is working with Division now?"
"If only I had told her the truth about her father. Now Amanda has her claws in so deep -"
"Alex is smarter than that, Nikita," Micheal interrupted.
"I wasn't," Nikita paused, gazing up at him. "Amanda knows how to get under your skin and live there. She will use all of this to get to her. I should have told her everything... I should have -"
"Second guessing yourself now won't help matters. Nikita, its not your fault. You are not responsible for-"
"Micheal, I am responsible for Alex...for as long as I live."
Micheal reached out to Nikita placing his hand on her shoulder. He knew that no matter how much Nikita let him into her heart that Alexandra would always be between them.
"No matter what happens, Nikita. You are not alone in this," Micheal soothed, wrapping her in a tight embrace. "We will get Alex back... no matter what it takes. We never leave our friends behind."