EPISODE 1: MAN VS DINO
Bear Grylls stared blankly at his manager. He stared for a long time. Eventually he said "You... want me to do a show about dinosaurs?"
"Yeh," Said Vinnie, the manager. He belched loudly as he put his feet up on his desk. He spoke with a really thick Brooklyn accent. "All this dinosaur shit in the movies these days, y'know? So whatdya think?"
"...I'm being punked, right?" Bear looked around the small office and wondered why Vinnie had such a crappy working space.
"No," Said Vinnie, "This is a serious business proposition! Some crazy scientist with a crazy amount of money made a crazy island full of crazy dinosaur clones and now you're gonna go and see if you can make it outta there alive."
..TWO WEEKS LATER
Bear Grylls stood on the beach of a tropical island with his trusty camera man (lets call him Eddie).
"And we're rolling." Eddie said while pointing the camera at Bear.
"Right, I'm here on the island of Isla Sorna, home of a nefarious corporate tycoon's failed amusement park. I've been transported somewhere in the heart of the island and now I'm going to show you how to survive a place infested with prehistoric monsters. It's not going to be easy, but...What the hell am I doing here?"
"And we are still rolling..." Eddie said awkwardly.
"Seriously, dinosaurs? We are doing a show off of something entirely fictional. No one is going to buy that we went to an island inhabited with-Holy shit what was that?!?"
The trees just off shore shook violently. Somewhere, from deep with in the jungle, a low and deep throated growl issued.
Eddie and Bear were paralyzed with fear. They stood very still and very silently for a long time. Just staring... blankly.
"Eddie..." Bear breathed in horror, "Where are we?"
Eddie sighed, took out the tourist pamphlet and recited the first page in a monotone. "We are on Isla Sorna, an island devoted to an abandoned theme park and overrun by feral beasts of a prehistoric nature-" He stopped when he noticed that Bear Grylls had whipped out his hunting knife and was running off in the direction of the terrible beast noise. "Fine." Eddie threw the pamphlet on the sand haughtily, "I go to all the trouble to make this a cultural experience but nooo, Bear just wants to go kill things." He took a moment to find his happy place and then ran after the show's host.
Eddie caught up to Bear and had to take a long moment to catch his breath. Bear was crouched low in the bushes. He was stalking what appeared to be a triceratops.
"It's very important to be quiet," Bear explained in a whisper. "Although they may seem like gentle creatures they can prove to be quite nasty. Several years ago a group of girl scouts were out camping when they accidentally made camp on one's territory. None of them survived-"
"Bear!" Eddie scolded.
"What?"
"Did you just make that up?"
"Vinnie says it's good for ratings."
The triceratops looked around suspiciously before it deemed the place safe and abandoned the spot where it had been standing. That's when Bear moved in.
"Just what I was hoping for." Bear said as he honed in on the nest and picked up one of the large triceratops egg. He held it toward the camera. "It may not look like a chicken egg, but this could be a great source of nutrition and protein. I'll just store it for later." He proceeded to stuff it in his pack, "Do you want one, Eddie?"
"I'm good," Said Eddie. He pointed to his power rangers lunch box, "PB&J."
"Well you're really missing out," Bear informed him.
"Yeah yeah," Eddie rolled his eyes, "Stop talking to me. You're supposed to act like you're alone."
Bear nodded and started to crawl on the ground. "We have to be stealthy on this island! Remember! Thousands of people get lost on Isla Sorna EVERY year! Out of those only a handful have managed to survive in the last decade! The rest have been brutally torn apart by velociraptors or pterodactyls! The key to staying alive is stealth. Stay low to the ground and NEVER EVER- Eddie! Eddie! Come here! Come here!" Bear had found a cavernous hole in the ground with a diameter of 3 feet, "Alright, I haven't got any rope with me so I'm going to have to make some out of my shoe strings, chewed banana leaf and hair!"
"Bear!" Eddie snapped, "We don't have to go into that hole! There's no point! Just walk around it!"
Bear frowned as though he did not quite grasp the concept of 'going around'. "But...There's a hole." He repeated.
"I can see that." Eddie tried to make this as easy as possible "There is a hole, and this is how you go around it." He demonstrated this by easily stepping around the opening and continuing along the way they had come. He made it five steps before a raptor stepped out of the foliage, grabbed him by the leg and dragged him off into the dense jungle.
The only items remaining where Eddie had stood were a shoe and his camera.
"Well my camera man seems to have been eaten." Bear said in a matter of fact way as he went over to pick up the camera. "It looks like I'll have to document this trip myself. Kind of like survivorman, but not as gay." He proceeded to remove Eddie's shoe from it's laces, "I would love to show the viewers how to make rope out of shoe string, banana leaf and hair right now but we'll save it for later as I have already walked around the hole." He placed Eddie's Shoe lace in his back pack.
Bear walked a little while longer, making sure to get some good camera shots of himself running around and occasionally stomping on tiny dinosaurs. After a while of doing this he paused. "I'm going to try and make it to that peak." He announced while pointing toward a cliffy looking mountain thing in the distance. "From there I should be able to get a better grasp of the terrain and hopefully find the way off this island."
He continued on his path toward the cliffy mountain thing until it began to get dark.
"It's important to make sure you are well rested when you are on an island inhabited with dinosaurs." Bear said even though he had turned the camera off a half hour ago. "I'm going to have to find a spot to make camp, but I need to be careful. If I pick the wrong spot I could wake up as dino food."
As Bear kept going he came across a large building that looked to have been empty for a long time. "It appears as though I've come across an abandoned research facility." He narrated. "This could be a good sign. There could be useful supplies inside and for now it makes the perfect place to make camp." He found a broken window and crawled in.
"Wonderful!" He exclaimed as he shook off the glass shards. He ran over to a lab counter and grabbed what ever he could get his hands on, "These beakers could be useful for collecting rain water! These water bottles can be emptied to become firefly traps which you can use as a light source and if you take the batteries out of these flashlights they can be used as beakers! Which you might need if you're a scientist!" He stopped talking when he realized that he wasn't alone. A pile of research notes leaned against the far wall crumbled and spread across the floor. Behind them was a shaggy old hobo with glasses. He was muttering to himself frantically.
"mustmakesequelmustmakesequel.." He rocked on his heels and held his head, "aliensbadidea... moredinosaurs?"
"Oh my" Bear crouched low to watch the figure with caution. "This is most unexpected. It seems that I've come across a very rare sight. I must be very quiet so as not to startle it."
"Dinosaursgood aliensbad....veeeeerybadindeed-whatwaszat?!"
"Too late, It's seen me." Bear continued to whisper. "The only thing to do now is approach with caution and hope that it doesn't attack. Steven Spielberg can be very unpredictable."
Bear walked over to Steven Spielberg carefully. "Hello." He offered his most charming smile, "I'm Bear... have you been out here long?"
"AHH!" Steven ducked beneath a typewriter and shuddered, "I MADE A MISTAKE! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"
"Hurt you?" Bear laughed, "No thanks. Spielbergs are a fantastic source of protein but I've still got my velociraptor egg and I never bite off more than I can chew. So come out from under that strange plant and tell me about this place."
Steven raised a brow and stood up tentatively, "You mean... you don't hate me?"
"Hate you? No," Bear Grylls explained, "It wastes too much energy, which is necessary for survival in these harsh climates. Why would I hate you?"
"You mean... you never saw the last Indiana Jones flick?" Spielberg's voice grew hopeful.
Immediately Bear Grylls reached for his hunting knife, "You mean to say that that was your doing?" He snapped. "That was shit!"
"Oh no!" Squealed Steven and immediately ran for the nearest exit.