A/N: Just a bit of a one-shot I wrote for Christmas. This is what comes out of your pen when you eat three pounds of candy canes and are still up at four in the morning, that's all I can say. XP
Disclaimer: I don't own the Akatsuki or any aspect of Christmas. However, I do own Ryoko's books and Sasori's gift...
A pair of careful feet tiptoed through the darkened hall that was lined with bedroom doors within the Akatsuki hideout. Gingerly placing a small wrapped package outside each door, as though taking extreme care not to disturb the contents inside, the mystery person would quietly hurry forward to the next door. Finally reaching the end of the hall, a masked face tapped the shoulder of his bribed accomplice.
"They're all ready, senpai!" he whispered.
"Good boy, Tobi, un." Deidara yawned back, having dozed off while waiting for Tobi to finish delivering their 'presents' for the other Akatsuki members. A hint of a grin gracing the half of his face that was visible, Deidara formed a hand sign while raising them to his face, whispering 'katsu' just before dashing into the safety of the living room.
A simultaneous explosion of the many small sculptures inside the presents resounded throughout the hallway, followed for quite some time by a silence thick with ominous foreboding. Then, almost as if the others had planned it, six doors slammed open to reveal nine furious criminals.
A pair of crimson eyes opened to narrow slits, wishing death upon anyone stupid enough to look at them, "…Tobi…Deidara…come out. Now."
The two mentioned poked their heads out of the living room, Deidara's mind already waiting with excuses to blame everything on Tobi. But before either could speak, Itachi continued, "…do either of you know what time it is?"
"4:15 in the morning!" Tobi replied with great excitement.
"…exactly."
Before Itachi could fly forward and bloodily end both lives, Yume grasped his shoulder, her own eyelids half-closed and threatening to drop further. "Can we kill them later? I wanna go back to sleep…"
Ryoko meanwhile glared at both Sasori and Zetsu's directions, her short hair mussed from sleep, "Aren't those two supposed to be your responsibilities?"
Sasori stared back unfazed, as usual, "I don't see any point in continually keeping watch over that brat, and I am sure Zetsu was just as fed up with his own charge."
Preventing any more arguments from springing up between the peeved Akatsuki criminals, Tobi leapt into the middle of the hallway, spinning about with an excitement akin to that of a child on sugar-coated cookies.
"Please do not fight, it's Christmastime! And there's so many presents for you all under the tree!"
The following silence did not last very long, as a previously disgruntled Kakuzu's eyes lit up very much like the lights decorating the tree in the living room, "What are we waiting for?! There could very well be money under that tree!"
A similar sense of greed overtaking the rest of them, a stampede towards the living room ensued, all sleepiness forgotten. Before long, there were hands everywhere grasping packages, inspecting tags, and trading them back and forth as others recognized presents as their own.
"Yes, mine!" Kakuzu cackled as he found a small package with his name scrawled on the label in a clumsy hand. Tearing the wrapping paper off, he found an envelope with a dollar bill inside.
"…at least it's money!" he smiled before tucking away the prized envelope into his cloak.
"Hey, 'tachi-san. Here's the one I got for you." Kisame handed a small package to Itachi, who silently accepted it and neatly removed the tape and wrapping paper.
"…it's a box of dango…"
"Eh, you don't like it?"
But the lack of an answer was not attributed to Itachi's dislike for his present, but rather him busily digging into the box of sweets.
"Oy, Sukkiri! I found my present for you!" Ryoko tossed a thick package in the red-head's direction, who caught it with ease. Tearing off the wrapping paper, the cloth-bound cover of a book stared back at her, with golden lettering spelling out: One Thousand and One Yuri Ficlets.
"Thanks!" she called back before diving back into the pile of presents under the tree, now all the more determined to find more of her presents.
"Awesome!" Yume cried out, who had unwrapped her own present from Ryoko, which was nearly identical except for the title being: One Thousand and One Yaoi Ficlets.
"Another one for me!" Kakuzu interjected, opening yet another package containing an envelope. This time it contained only five nickels, but this little fact was ignored by him as the money was again hidden away.
"Dannaaaaaa, un!" Deidara threw a wide package in Sasori's direction, who eyed it suspiciously before raising his eyes to meet the blond's.
"…it won't explode, un!" he reassured him.
Still frowning somewhat, Sasori removed the wrapping paper neatly, just as Itachi had. In his hand was a wooden box, which when opened revealed a miniature stage with curtains and a compartment containing a finger puppet of each of the Akatsuki members, Orochimaru and Leader-sama included.
A strange light coming into his eyes, Sasori inspected each of the puppets, a sadistic smirk revealing just what it was he was thinking about.
"They're…uh…voodoo puppets, un."
"You don't say…" that smirk only widened further, as everyone near him began scooting far, far away.
"Ryoko-san." Zetsu handed his partner a potted plant with a festive red bow tied around the stem.
"Er…thanks, Zetsu."
"No problem." he replied, a smirk of his own going unnoticed by her. "It hasn't been fed for a long time…It's hungry…"
"What was that?"
"Nothing! Just be sure to place it on your nightstand, close to your head…"
"I've got another one!" Kakuzu called out with a great sense of glee in his voice. This time the envelope held only three pennies, which once again went unnoticed as Kakuzu hid them away.
Kisame raised his eyebrow as he looked towards Hidan, who was sitting apart from everybody else, a smug grin upon his face.
"Didn't you get anybody any presents?"
"Only Leader."
"…what exactly did you give him…?"
-------
Meanwhile, over in Leader's office, the noise coming from all the gift unwrapping in the living room woke the irritable shadowy-figure. With half a mind to scold and punish those who woke him up, he was stopped in his tracks by an immense wrapped package outside his door.
"…well, what do we have here…?"
Dragging the heavy package (a pretty good sign that this was an awesome gift, in his opinion) inside, shadowy hands tore apart the wrapping paper, desperate to find out what his present was.
A painstakingly handcrafted (and huge) shrine stood before him, with a void of darkness even blacker than that within Leader's office leading inside the depths of the shrine behind the ornate plate for offerings.
Just as the clock struck 4:30 AM behind him, a pair of malicious eyes appeared in that void, glaring in Leader-sama's direction, "Well it's about fucking time somebody fucking unwrapped me! Now fucking give me a fucking offering before I fucking blow your fucking world into a fucking billion pieces!"
And that was how every night from then on at 4:30, Leader-sama would be forced to get up and make an offering to Jashin, who was not pleased about being trapped inside a shrine by Hidan.
Merry Christmas, indeed.
A/N: Remember Leader-sama, Jashin-sama loves expensive and impossible-to-cook foods!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!