The God and the Weight

by: fluffy pantoufle

A/N: Greetings, all! Here's my newest submission for your perusal - yet another Quistis/Seifer one shot. Again, I always come back to the idea of family when it comes to these two. It always intrigues me that Quistis's adoption never worked out, not to mention that no one really knows what any of the orphans' families were like.
I wanted to further explore the idea of women choosing men based off of their fathers, but it didn't quite shine through as much as I'd have liked in the finished product. No matter, though - I like it as it is. I think that Seifer's fears as a father-to-be are just as interesting to explore.
I drew lots of inspiration from John Mayer, not to mention the movie "Away We Go," with Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski. That would be SUCH a neat concept for a Q/S fic. Just saying.
Enjoyyyy!

"On behalf of every man looking out for every girl, you are the god and the weight of her world." -John Mayer, Daughters

Seifer wasn't particularly fond of studying many things, of that everyone could be certain. It wasn't so much that he enjoyed studying the art of battle and war - he just happened to be pretty damned proficient in it from a young age, and decided to run with his strengths. If he applied himself, truly concentrated on the words that leapt from the pages in his history books, he'd no doubt have excelled in the classroom. Grades were never accurate in describing the full intellectual breadth of the gunbladist.

Alas, a man as passionate and fiery as the young Seifer Almasy was never destined for academic stardom; Headmaster Cid had an inkling of that ever since the idyllic days of the orphanage.

Even so, there was one subject in particular that Seifer was content on spending the rest of his life studying, if only to gain just five minutes of clarity. He would gladly set aside time in his day to watch her, to take notice of the way her nose would crinkle when he made a subtly lascivious comment. He could almost set his watch to her schedule - when she would wake, eat lunch, take a walk, settle in for the evening.

His favorite observation, however, was that approximately every fifteen minutes - sometimes more often if she were reading a book or drinking a cup of tea - Quistis Trepe would slowly rub the bump of swollen flesh beneath her sweater, almost as if to soothe the growing child within. It was the most beautiful thing; Seifer never thought he could be an active participant in something so beautiful after all the suffering he'd caused. Yet, as the global populace gradually began to forgive the fallen knight for his wrongdoings, he sat at the edge of the world in the crumbling remains of what was once his orphanage…and he couldn't have been happier.

Days were easier away from Balamb Garden, especially for Quistis. Seifer wanted to ensure that she'd spend at least nine months of her life away from the stress and bustle of the military institution. It took more than a bit of persuasion on his part, but she finally agreed that it might be a good idea; the last thing the lovely instructor wanted to do was bring her baby into a tense environment.

Not only that, but Quistis found Seifer's concern to be uncharacteristically charming. "This is different…you do remember when we were kids and you used my favorite teacups as target practice for your slingshot?"

"Had to get more accurate somehow, Quis," he responded with a wink. "Minor casualties."

She rolled her eyes. "I had to drink hot tea out of Zell's sip cups!"

Seifer's hand found its way to hers, interlacing her delicate fingers with his own as he drew her close. "I could always make it up to you. Could be fun, you know."

"Oh, you're terrible!"

Most days went forward in a similar fashion - playful banter and tangible closeness were the strengths in their relationship. Quistis found a man that both challenged and decimated her every boundary. In return, she restored a peace and balance in Seifer's life that he wasn't sure he ever had to begin with.

There were certain times, however, in which Seifer could sense that Quistis was far from him - not physically, of course. But every so often the blond watched as she sat on the beach near the orphanage, her toes absently digging in the sand and her eyes the scanning the horizon for a truth unknown. He was always tempted to interrupt her, to run down the stone stairs and kick up sand like he used to as a young boy. The urge would well up inside until it threatened to burst in his chest and he would just stop himself as his bare feet touched the stairs.

It wasn't that he quelled the sensation. It was just that another emotion - the overwhelming fear of growing up - was so much stronger and had the power to freeze Seifer in his tracks. After all, were fathers-to-be allowed to be silly? If Quistis needed him, if suddenly the truth she waited for hit her like a train, well…he couldn't be wasting his time with clouds of sand.

…

A long time ago - when, exactly, is something that can't be established - Seifer read that women had a subconscious tendency to fall in love with men that reminded them of their fathers. Upon completion of the article, the gunbladist couldn't help but feel like he had swallowed his own Hyperion. He didn't want to admit anything or come to any ridiculous conclusions, as it was terribly obvious that he had no background in psychology of any kind. Instead, as he tended to do with information that was far larger than himself, Seifer holed up the thought and tucked it away.

Studies like that couldn't possibly apply to people as inherently fucked up as themselves, right? Between the orphanage and Garden and the Sorceress War, how could a shrink even begin to deduce what attracted Quistis to Seifer, or vice versa? As the days lazed by, Seifer couldn't help but wonder if they'd been made for each other from the get-go.

At the same time, however, each night that Quistis spent alone on the beach staring into the never-ending waves put the fear of Hyne in Seifer's heart. As the nights became more and more frequent, he began to feel helpless. The pain was something new to him, a continual gnawing sort of thing that started in the pit of his stomach and slowly wormed its way to his chest.

Seifer willed it to disappear, tried to convince himself that he was just crazy - no, Quistis wasn't falling out of love with him or anything like that. He even made a halfhearted attempt to connect with the Seifer of old, the dusty version of himself that spent countless hours in the back of a packed Garden classroom heckling his instructor-turned-lover. What would he have done? Would he have given the situation a second thought?

No, of course not, Seifer thought bitterly. But then again, he wasn't fighting for anything but himself and a stupid dream.

And just when the young man thought he had it all figured out, the gnawing little pain safely extinguished, Quistis would rub that swollen belly of hers and all the fear would come hurtling back. It didn't pay for Seifer to reminisce on his Garden days when his current fears made him feel far more like the clueless, terrified orphaned child he was all those years ago.

…

"Quis, we need to talk."

The sound of the waves lapping gently against the water beaten sand served as the perfect accompaniment to Seifer's quiet voice on the night he could stand it no longer. She glanced up at him, a smile immediately painting her face content as her eyes glistened with the irresoluteness that came with not knowing that Hyneforsaken truth. "Sure, Seifer. Talk to me."

"I…" He plopped down in the sand next to her, far less graceless than he'd intended. The words in his mind threatened to pour forth with no rhyme or reason; talking about this was already harder than he thought. "I've been doing a lot of thinking while you sit on this beach all the time, you know."

"Really? That's a new development," Quistis replied, nudging him with her elbow. Was it Seifer's imagination, or did her stomach seem like it had gotten bigger from the night before?

"No, no - I'm actually trying to be serious," Seifer muttered, "…for once in my damn life, anyway. And after this, 'cause I know we're trying to keep this whole situation stress-free…we don't have to do any more serious talk, if you don't want to. But I've gotta get this off my chest."

She raised an eyebrow. "Of course, Seifer. I don't mind. If there's something that's bothering you, I want to hear it."

Sometimes it was difficult being Seifer Almasy - both man and boy, always wrestling for cognitive control. With the baby on the way, the struggle just seemed to get more intense by the day; looking into Quistis's glacially gorgeous eyes made the fight impossible. "Do you think…this is all gonna be okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've been wondering lately about us. I watch you when you sit here and it's like you're so far away, Quis. I don't know how to bring you back. I'm just…" Seifer pulled his knees up towards his chest and sighed into his hands. "…I'm so fucking lost."

For the first time since they'd arrived at the orphanage, Quistis felt like she was six years old again, staring at the boy who was once her most formidable bully. She was afraid to touch him - Seifer never seemed so delicate as he did in that moment. Her heart shattered at the sight. "…it's going to be okay, Seifer. I promise."

"Is it?" Suddenly, Seifer's head jerked up as his whisper almost turned into a shout. "I'm not so sure! Quistis, I can't make you any promises! Shit, tomorrow the wind could come and knock this orphanage down and I wouldn't know what to do to make things better for you and…and…"

"Almasy, I never expected you to make us a home. All I've ever wanted is for you to stay here. Just stay."

Seifer could hear the wind through the sea grasses and the distant squawk of a night bird, yet his thoughts bounced around so noisily in his head that these sounds became all but distinguishable. He wrung his hands in front of his chest, nervously aware that he'd never let his guard down this far in front of anyone, including the blonde at his side. "I am staying, Quis. I know that, but I need to know that you believe it. You need to know that come Hell or high water, we're in it for the long haul. I'll never leave you behind, not like your family…"

"Is this what this is all about?"

Quistis tilted her head to the side and smiled. It wasn't her intention to make Seifer feel as if she was mocking him - quite the contrary. Never in a million years did she think that he would be so emotionally straightforward. "Seifer, you can't make up for my parents' mistakes, and I never expected you to. We'd drive ourselves crazy in the process of trying to figure that out, don't you think?"

"I know, Quis, but -"

She lifted a finger, silencing him. "No. Seifer, no explanations. All you and I can do is be good for one person, okay?" Gently, Quistis reached out for Seifer's trembling hand and led it to her belly. Up until this point, he had always been scared to touch her, but suddenly the sensation of life within a life put everything into perspective for the gunbladist. "We stay for her."

Seifer let his hand linger on her belly for a moment, shivering when he felt commotion - perhaps a tiny fist or kick of the foot. No spell could ever be so magical for him ever again; nothing compared to this. His heart began to race, but not with the same gnawing pain as before…as a matter of fact, he felt it quickly diminish. "Quistis, I just don't want to be somebody's monster again."

"You won't be," she murmured as she wrapped her arm around his back, positioning herself so that she was perfectly sidled up against the taller man. "That much I can promise."

The feeling of Quistis's body against his put Seifer at ease. Pregnant or not, the instructor was the strongest woman he knew and he often wondered if she had a supernatural ability to placate others…something to do with the Blue Magic, he suspected. Either way, with her at his side and his hand near his child, Seifer couldn't help but feel like he was finally at home.

"It's pretty fucking scary, you know."

She laughed. "…I agree. 'Pretty fucking scary' is an accurate description of this whole thing, isn't it?" Seifer nodded and buried his face in her hair, inhaling softly. "The great part, though, is that we get to be scared together. And that isn't half bad, I think."

He smiled, though she couldn't see his expression. It was an incredible thing, being scared with another person - a new feeling, for sure. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make an ass of myself."

"I'm used to it," she responded with a chuckle. "It's what you do best, Almasy. Just don't teach my daughter the same tricks."

"…done deal."

And in that moment, Seifer finally felt whole.